Why Me?

Summary: Thorena, along with Balinda and Gretta (wives of Bombur and Gloin respectively), must survive the rebuilding of Erebor, the grief that comes with a certain Hobbit's absence, the flimsy Elf maid courting Kili, and the utter "joys" of pregnancy. It goes about as well as you'd expect. Fem!Thorin Everybody Lives AU.

Requester: 666mewmew

After Erebor had been retaken and had survived the Battle of the Five Armies, word had been sent to the Blue Mountains almost immediately. Only a few months after the Company of Thorena Oakenshield had set the messenger raven loose, a small army of migrating Dwarves came trudging up the slope of the Lonely Mountain. Most had been present when their kingdom was taken and had just wanted to return to the place they once called home. Others, those too young to remember the desolation of Smaug, were drawn here by the new opportunities the Kingdom Under the Mountain offered. Very few could claim that they were here to make their families whole again.

One such Dwarf was Balinda, wife of Bombur and mother to 14 children (the eldest being 35 already and the youngest only several months old). She was, to most, a very pleasant woman with dirty blond hair, rosy cheeks, and an overall girth that would put even her husband to shame. The irony of it is that she actually used to be very skinny (for Dwarf standards, anyway) back before meeting Bombur at the tavern she used to work in. In the course of their 40 year marriage, however, Balinda began to steadily get larger and larger: whether that was due to her husband's cooking or a side effect of having so many children is still under speculation (though when asked, she'd simply say that she just couldn't get enough of Bombur or his cooking). Of course, she was a bit of a cook herself, working alongside her husband if she wasn't taking care of their children (and admittedly spoiling them).

If Balinda was a very jolly woman, then Gretta, wife of Gloin and mother to Gimli, was her polar opposite. A woman with coarse, dark brown hair and a very stern look, she was the 'tough-but-fair' sort of wife. The story of how she met her husband is actually rather funny: she was working alongside the healer Oin at the Battle of Azanulbizar when Gloin entered the medical tent with a nasty cut across his chest. The Dwarf kept insisting that he was just fine and refused to hold still…that is, until Gretta became absolutely fed up, practically pinned him down, and threatened that if he didn't sit still that she would personally see to it that he all but bled out in the next fifteen minutes. Gloin went as still as a corpse, allowing Oin to operate (all the while thinking "Mahal, I'm going to marry this woman one day."). While she's very strict around the household, keeping her husband and son in line, she genuinely loves them very much and would do just about anything for them. Except have more children.

It would be reasonable that two women with such opposite personalities wouldn't get along very well; that would be most correct. Balinda and Gretta could barely stand being in the same room as the other and when they were forced to mingle, they be at each other's throats. Yes, they very rarely got along, if they got along at all. However, there is a single thing that both Dwarf wives could agree with; being midwives to Thorena Oakenshield was absolute hell.

"Here you go, Lass," Balinda said, offering her charge her third bowl of her special soup. "Drink up."

"Must you insist on overfeeding her?" Gretta spat, carrying a newly heated bag of rice over to the bed. "Not everyone needs to be as large as you in order to bear a child."

"She's eating for two and needs all that she can."

"Again, we're trying to FEED her, not fatten her up!"

"Must you both do this now?" Thorena grumpily asked. And of course no one could begrudge her for her mood. After all, being hungry, aching, six months pregnant, and trapped in a room with two bickering midwives would test the patience of many a Dwarf. All she wanted was the bowl of soup and the rice bag, but of course this happens. And of course said midwives made no effort to give her these things as they stared each other down like this was some battlefield.

It was moments like these where Thorena especially wished to help in the rebuilding. Or help Balin and Dis with political matters. Or spend time with her nephews. Anything at this point would give her something else to think about other than his damned ch-. No, she couldn't even bring herself to think about that at the moment. She shook those poisonous thoughts from her mind and focused in on the situation happening now. Gretta and Balinda had gotten into a full scale argument at this point (Dwarf woman A claimed she could raise children better than Dwarf woman B, who obviously called bullocks). For the first time in a while, they were completely unfocused on her. And the door was unblocked. This was her chance. No one could begrudge her for wanting to stretched her legs, she thought to herself as she slowly slipped out of bed and hobbled over to the door (a difficult feet with a 6 month pregnant belly). She reached the door without a problem, but then is swung open to reveal the object of her younger nephew's affections.

"My Lady, I'm sorry to disturb you," Tauriel said with a bow. This drew the arguing midwives' attention to the redheaded Elf at the door. And in turn the Dwarf woman currently standing by said door. The next thing Thorena knew, she was being carried back to bed and forcefully tucked under the covers. She grumbled as Balinda and Gretta turned towards the aforementioned Elf.

"And what exactly do YOU want?" Gretta said with a sneer.

"I came to deliver these." Tauriel pulled out a pouch and, despite the glare from the sterner midwife, handed it to Thorena. "The healers say that it will help with any discomfort you may have. Just brew the leaves in some tea and the effects should show immediately."

"And why are you delivering them exactly? That task should be for Oin."

"Your brother in law is otherwise occupied. Kili…thought it would be a good idea to surprise Dwalin. Oin's resetting his nose as we speak."

Gretta still looked a bit skeptical, and she was still glaring as Tauriel bid the three of them farewell. "Who does that bitch think she is?" she muttered as soon as the Elf left. "Just because she managed to get on the princes' good side, doesn't give her the right to be sauntering around the Mountain like she owns the play. I bet you anything she's just waiting for the moment she can shove a knife into someone's back."

"Keep in mind that she's the Elf that saved my life as well as those of my nephews," Thorena shot back, still grumpy from her failed escape. "If she truly meant us harm, she would've done so by now."

"Well…yes, but- Balinda, what do you think of all this? Surely you-."

"She's too skinny."

To be blunt, both Thorena and Gretta were surprised by the comment. "…What."

"She's too skinny. Bombur and I have been feeding her almost constantly, but she never seems to be gaining ANYTHING! You know, if she's going to be bearing children, the lass needs some more weight where it counts."

No one said anything for the longest time. Then Gretta drew up a hand to pinch the bridge of her nose. "Balinda. That 'Lass' you're referring to is an Elf, the folk who did nothing to aid us when Erebor was taken, who tried to steal from us nearly 60 years later, who think that they're above us Dwarves just because they're 'immortal and fair'. Now here's this Lass of yours, walking about Erebor freely and even COURTING one of the princes! And the thing that bothers you the most is how you can't fatten her up to be your bloody size?!"

"…Yes."

Gretta didn't know which infuriated her more; the sheer audacity of the notion or Balinda's conviction in said notion. Fortunately, she was saved from throttling the barmaid when the door opened once again and Balin stepped inside. "Good evening, My Lady. I trust you're feeling well?"

"I'm trapped in this room with two bickering midwives and 6 months worth of a baby, how do you think I'm doing?"

"…Sorry I asked." The old Dwarf approached the bed and cleared his throat. "Pardon the intrusion, but I had a matter that I must discuss with you."

"Of course, what do you need?"

Before Balin could answer, the door opened again to a rather frustrated Dain. "Thorena, we need to talk!"

"If it can wait one second, Dain-."

"No, you need to know-!" The Lord of the Iron Hills as the door flee open and in rushed a very frazzled looking Fili. "Arg, I can't take it anymore!" The young Dwarf King flopped onto the bed and laid there, unmoving for the longest time.

"…Fili?"

Fili shot up instantly. "I can't do this, Auntie. I'm not ready to be king. Can't I have five, no, fifty more years of being an idiot?"

Balinda decided to speak up. "Pardon me, but she needs food and-."

"No, what she needs is rest! For the last time, she does NOT to be as fat as you!"

Everyone was arguing at this point. Thorena tried to drown out the noise by covering her ears, then burying her head under the pillow, but the argument just went on.

"-hips aren't wide enough-!"

"-I'm the medical professional-!"

"-not what we agreed to-!"

"-my soldiers are working their-!"

"-wish Bilbo was here-."

Everyone instantly went silent, hoping that Thorena hadn't heard that name uttered. But oh, she heard it. She sat up slowly, a blank stare on her face. Then her eyes started to well up. A second later, she was absolutely bawling. "I'm sorry, Bilbo! Please come back! Please come back."

"Oh, not this again," Dain could barely hear himself mutter.

"EVERYONE OUT!"

Gretta practically chased all three Dwarves out of the room as Balinda began to comfort their weeping charge. "It's alright, Lass, everything's going to e fine."

"He hates me. He hates me."

"Never mind him, Lass. If he isn't going to be there for you, then he isn't worth it."

Surprisingly, the barmaid's prattle was working; the weeping soon died down to a sniffle. Balinda, of course, took this as a sign to smirk at the other Dwarf woman in the room, her already swollen chest puffed up in pride. Of course, the medic had no experience with this part of treatment; all this…"touchy feely" nonsense was foreign to her. No, Gretta's expertise was in medicines and herbs. This was the reason why she ignored her co-midwife and instead went for the pouch on the night stand. "Let's see if the Elf's leaf water works."

Miraculously, it did. When she poured the tea for Thorena, it had an immediate effect and soon enough, their charge began to drift off with a half full cup and a smile on her face. Both midwives could finally relax and soon left for the night. However, as soon as the door was closed, they didn't leave immediately, instead sharing a look. They both had certainly recognized that the other was competent in their own way. Perhaps it wasn't entirely impossible that they could get along….

"Eat shit and die."

"Yes, fuck you."

Or maybe not. Oh well. They only had to pull through for three more months.

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