Chapter 7- I Know I'm Saying I'm Okay, but I'm Not
A/N: Before we start I just want to mention a couple trigger warnings. This chapter includes some abuse and violence, also minor depression, just a heads up. Hope this helps, and thanks for reading!
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Months went by, somehow taking forever and flying by at the same time. Octavia and Niylah's relationship strengthened. They started sharing a room. A bed. Outside the room, the bunker kept asking more and more of Octavia, stripping her of herself and replacing it with other people's pain. She slipped slowly into a state of constant depression. Octavia thought that spending time with Niylah would make it better. In some ways it did. However, in other ways it made it worse. Leaving her room every morning felt like being thrown back into hell everyday, and discovering you are the devil. It was like taking a sip of orange juice after brushing your teeth. It was like waking up every morning, knowing that you have another endless day of taking away people's freedom and forcing people to kill each other. It was. After a while Octavia found that even her blissful nights with Niylah couldn't distract her from the things she had done and had to do. She started losing sleep. Niylah worried about her. Octavia sometimes went a week or two without talking to Clarke. When Clarke asked she just said she was busy, or was spending time with Niylah. She told her she was fine. Clarke never believed her. Clarke started to worry about her too.
"Octavia, stop telling me your fine." Clarke demanded one day. Octavia sighed.
"But I am. I swear." She lied. Clarke's frown deepened.
"Octavia. Just talk to me." She pleaded. There was a pause.
"I don't want to." Octavia admitted. "You shouldn't have to bare my problems. My mistakes."
"But I want to." Clarke choked. Octavia looked at the radio in surprise and confusion. "I want to listen to your problems. I want to take that burden off of you. I want to distract you from the pain. I don't want you to go through what I have anymore. I want to help you. I want to save you O." The words came rushing out of Clarke's mouth. She was surprised by herself, but yet, she could feel the truth in her words.
"I wish you could," Octavia sighed, "but you can't. You can't save somebody from themselves Clarke." Clarke felt something melt inside her.
"I'm sorry." Clarke whispered. She wasn't exactly sure what she was sorry for. She was sorry for a lot of things. Octavia didn't know what to say, so she just nodded. Some how, even without seeing her, Clarke new. "I know how you feel. I wish I could help."
"I know you do," Octavia smiled weakly, "That's what I lo-… That's why I like talking to you." She paused and then admitted, "and you do. You do help me. You've helped me a lot since I've been down here."
"You sure you don't want to talk about it then?" Clarke offered. Octavia chewed her lip silently.
"Well, Niylah's been great. She alway has been. But the bunker… it's getting worse Clarke. People don't like the rations, everyone is on the edge, there is more fighting, more fights mean more fighting pits, taking care of Ethan is well… I don't want him to turn out like me. Half of the people love the fighting pit and the other half hate it. I hate it. And if we can't get that door open in five years, I don't think were gonna make it. Heck, I'm not sure we even gonna make it another year." Octavia's face was screwed in worry, but she did feel she sort of growing hope talking to Clarke about it.
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A month had passed, and despite the bunker situation not getting any better, Octavia felt a little better. Talking to Clarke helped. They no longer just sat and tried to comfort each other. Octavia started bringing problems like what to do if they started to run out of food, or couldn't get the door open, to the table, or rather, the radio. They discussed solutions and other options for hours. It was like having a less judge-y council. A council were she could say exactly what she thought.
"Maybe I could design something to help pull ruble from the door. It would take a couple years, but hey, we have four." Clarke suggested. Octavia frowned.
"Clarke, I don't like that idea. There's no food or water in Polis. The entire tower is on top of this door. It's too dangerous."
"I could pack food and water. Do it in many trips. I would have to leave Madi behind though, there's no way I'm risking bringing her to polis. It's too risky."
"It's too risky for you too. And from what I've heard about her, Madi doesn't seem like the type to let you go without her." Octavia pointed out. Clarke sighed in defeat.
"Yeah. You're right. But I'm not letting you die down there. I'm going to figure something out." Clarke promised. Octavia was about to tell Clarke not to do something stupid, when the door busrt open. Octavia spun around. It was a panicked and exhausted looking Jackson.
"Jackson?" Octavia saw the look on his face. "What happened."
"It's Niylah. She's hurt. She's with Abby now." He panted. Octavia felt her gut twist in worry, and stood, not bothering to turn the radio off.
"What happened?" Octavia asked. Jackson grimaced.
"She was beat up. Pretty badly. I'm not sure who did it yet." He told her. Octavia felt her whole body fill with anger she hadn't felt in ages. How dare someone hurt Niylah.
"Can I see her?" Octavia growled. Jackson nodded.
"Yes. I think so. Soon, at least. Come with me." Octavia didn't hesitate for a second. She and Jackson sped off to the infirmary, leaving Clarke worried and confused.
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Octavia paced back and forth in front of the door to the infirmary. Abby had asked her to wait outside while she and Jackson worked.
"Oktevia. Stop. Take a deep breath." Indra instructed. Octavia glared at her but obeyed, closing her eyes and taking deep, calming breaths. She tried to think. Should she go back and tell Clarke what happened? Should she try and find the people who did this? No, that would have to wait till she saw Niylah. She didn't even know what the perps looked like. No one else had seen what happened. Octavia sighed and slid onto the ground, back against the wall. All she could do was wait.
"She'll be okay." Gaia said. Octavia new it was an attempt at reassurance, but to her it sounded like a question. She didn't respond. They sat in a tense and worried silence, waiting.
About an hour later, the door swung open. Abby stood in doorway, gloved hands covered in blood.
"Is she…?" Octavia trailed off. The question hung in the air.
"She stable." Abby announced. Octavia let out a breath she didn't she had been holding, and practically melted into the ground. Thank, fucking, god.
"Can I talk to her?" Octavia asked.
"You can see her, but she's asleep right now on heavy sedatives." Octavia nodded and rushed into the room, without bothering to reply.
Niylah was not is good shape. She was bloodied and bruised, had broken several ribs and had a concussion. Thankfully, Abby and Jackson had been able to stop any internal bleeding. Her body was curled under a thin blanket, slightly shivering. Octavia felt all the built up anger for the perps melt away, replaced with worry and sadness. Niylah didn't deserve this. Octavia slid onto the chair next to her girlfriend, and slipped her hand into hers. It was cold and clammy. She stayed with her all night, refusing to move or eat. Eventually she fell asleep, still grasping Niylah's hand. She awoke in the middle of the night to Niylah squeezing her hand painfully tight.
"Niylah? You awake?" She whispered. Niylah let out a sound much like a whimper.
"Octavia." She croaked. "Water." Octavia grabbed a bottle of water sitting on a nearby table and poured it gently down Niylah's throat. "More." Niylah pleaded.
"No. Slowly. You can have more in a minute." Octavia said softly. She ran her fingers through Niylah's hair gently. "You're gonna be okay, I promise, you're gonna be okay." She wasn't sure if she was trying to reassure Niylah or herself. Maybe both. Niylah nodded.
"ahhh.." She hissed in pain.
"Is there anything I can do? Are you in too much pain? Do you want me to get Abby?" Octavia gushed. Niylah shook her head.
"No. I am okay. More water." She said hoarsely. Octavia nodded and poured another sip down her throat.
"How did this happen?" She asked.
"They came from behind at first. Hit me over the head. Then continued from there." She grimaced. Octavia felt hot, bubbling anger. "I got a few good kicks and punches in though." She said with a weak smile.
"Who? Did you recognize them?" Who would attack Niylah unprovoked?
"I do not know them. There where three. They were big, too. At least one was prior Azgeda. I think the other two were Sangedakru or Trishanakru." She said. Octavia's frown deepened.
"Do you know why they attacked you? Did they say anything?" Niylah sighed softly and avoided Octavia's eyes.
"Yes. They did." She looked away from Octavia. "They said, 'Bloodreina will fall, and all those she cares about with her.' And that there was nothing we could do to stop it. It was a hate crime. And a threat." She admitted. Fury, hot, seething fury griped at Octavia. Her hands trembled with rage. She wanted to smash something. She wanted smash someone. How dare they attack her girlfriend. How dare they attack her girlfriend as a threat to her. Octavia stared at the beaten woman lying before her. That was her fault. Guilt and rage collided, and all that came out was a choked sob.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Octavia sobbed, grasping to Niylah's hand. Niylah shook her head.
"This was not your fault Octavia. You did not start this and there is nothing you could have done to stop it." She told her. Octavia wiped her eyes. She let the rage wash over her. It was easier to feel than guilt. She stood up. She was going to find them, and she was going to make them pay.
"Octavia? What are you going to do?" Niylah asked. Octavia didn't say anything. She didn't have to. She drew her sword and made for the door.
"Wait." Niylah said. Octavia turned to look back at her. "Stay with me? Tonight? Please?" She begged softly. Octavia's fury subsided. She deflated softly.
"Of course. Of course I will." Octavia sheathed her sword and stepped back to Niylah's bedside. "I will stay with you for as long as you like." She promised.
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A/N: Lots of Niytavia love! Sorry! I should probably update the summary. Also sorry that the entire begging of the is chapter was kind of slow, I didn't really know where I was going at first. Hope you liked the rest though! What do you think Octavia's gonna do? Also the dark year should be coming sometime soon… Please leave a review, they help so much. Thanks for reading! Hopefully next chapter will be out soon but HW might get in the way of that.