"Tsunade, shouldn't you be getting to your doctor's appointment now?" KoKo asked as she peered into the baking room to see Tsunade taking out a fresh batch of French bread from the oven.
Tsunade placed the hot bread on the cooling rack and wiped her brow before looking at the clock on the wall above the sink. The clock showed that it was indeed time for her to be heading to her appointment. Today was the day when she would get an ultrasound to see her baby within her womb, and hear the heartbeat. It took her some time, but now she was beyond excited to become a mother. She often found herself absently rubbing her still flat stomach and imagining just how her baby would look once it entered the world. She still didn't know exactly how to tell Jiraiya, but she made the decision to locate him as soon as her appointment was over to tell him. He deserved to know so it would be wrong to keep it from him. He was the father after all.
"Yes." Tsunade said as she untied her apron and hung it up on the hanger, "It's almost time for my appointment."
"Are you excited?" Her boss asked as she started to put together some ingredients for cinnamon rolls. KoKo always made them when Tsunade wasn't around, because the very smell of freshly baked cinnamon rolls made her sick to the stomach. That was quite strange for her, since that was one of her favorite pastries. It turns out that food aversions are common in pregnancies.
"I actually am." Tsunade smiled and placed her hand on her stomach, "I'm going to see my baby for the first time today."
"That's wonderful!" KoKo squealed happily, "Be sure to let them give you a picture so I can see the cute little thing."
"I will" Tsunade promised and left the bakery to go on her way to the doctor's office.
She was nervous about telling Jiraiya, but she tried to think positive thoughts. Maybe he would want to be a part of the baby's life. That would be perfect since Tsunade believed that a child needs both mother and father in their lives. She just hoped that he wouldn't become angry with her and blame her for ruining his life and taking away his freedom. That would be a terrible situation. But how was she to approach him? What if he completely ignores her and runs away when he sees her approaching him? How was she to find him? So many thoughts came to her mind about simply telling the father of her child that she was expecting. It shouldn't have been that difficult, but sadly it was.
She walked through the doors of the doctor's office and walked up to the front desk to speak to the receptionist.
"How may I help you?" The receptionist said in a kind tone.
"My name is Tsunade Senju, I am scheduled to have my first ultra sound today." Tsunade explained and the receptionist immediately looked over her files.
"Oh." The lady said when she spotted Tsunade's appointment written down in her files, "You're a first time patient here correct?"
"Yes." Tsunade nodded her head, "My boss told me about this place. It was highly recommended by her."
"Well since you're a new patient, we have to perform a few routine tests on you for our records."
"What kind of tests?"
"We're just going to record your weight, your height, temperature, blood pressure, blood sugar levels, nothing too complicated. After that, the doctor will see you."
"Alright."
"Take this form and fill it out please." She said as she handed Tsunade a clipboard with a document attached to it as well as a pen, "When you're finished hand it back to me and wait for us to call you."
"Okay." Tsunade accepted the document and walked over to the waiting area to fill it out. She seated herself at the chair by the window and found herself among three pregnant women. One looked as if she was almost ready to give birth to her child, and the other two had small baby bumps. Tsunade was the only pregnant woman there who didn't look pregnant. She looked at the really pregnant one and imagined herself with such a huge stomach. She was having a hard time picturing herself in that state, but knew that as the pregnancy progressed, her body would start to change. It was all apart of the pregnancy, but she didn't know how to feel about transforming into a rather large person. All her life, she has been thin and now she would gain so much weight. That was a phenomenon that proved to be quite strange to her.
Tsunade focused on filling out the form. It only asked her name, age, address, nationality, occupation, and any medical conditions that the doctor should be aware of. However, there was one question that she wasn't sure what the answer should be. They asked her for the name of someone who could act as her emergency contact. Normally people in her situation would put the name of their parent, or sibling, best friend, or significant other. She didn't have any of those people in her life. The only person she had and could trust was probably her boss KoKo. She was the closest thing to a mother and friend she had, so she felt as if it would be alright to put her name on the form as her emergency contact. With a deep sigh, she put KoKo's name on the form. It was quite sad that she didn't really have an adult person she could trust other than her boss. In the past, she had many friends her age, but sadly they all died in the war. The only friends she had left were Orochimaru and Jiraiya, but Orochimaru was an evil psychopath and she blew her friendship out of the water with Jiraiya due to her stupidity. Now it was just her, Shizune, KoKo, and her unborn baby. She was hoping that Jiraiya would be in her life again due to the baby, but if that didn't happen, it was understandable.
She handed the completed form back to the receptionist and reclaimed her seat by the window. For a few minutes, she stared aimlessly out the window until her name was called. She followed a nurse into a room where she recorded her weight, height, blood pressure, and blood sugar levels. Afterwards, she was told to wait in the waiting area again until the doctor was ready for her. As she was waiting, she absently rubbed her belly in a circular motion. She was genuinely happy about the baby, and beyond excited to see the baby for the first time. The picture would be blurry, but she knew that it would be the most beautiful thing she would ever see in her life.
"Tsunade Senju, the doctor is ready for you now." The nurse called from inside a room.
Tsunade walked in the direction of the nurse, and as soon as she was inside, she was seated on the examination table and told to lie down and to lift her shirt up in order to reveal her stomach.
"How far along are you?" The nurse asked as she retrieved a tube of gel from a nearby table.
"I estimate it to be around seven weeks. I found out not too long ago that I was pregnant, so that's why I didn't come here earlier." Tsunade explained.
"And how did you discover that you are pregnant?" The nurse asked curiously.
Tsunade didn't know how to answer that question. She didn't want anyone to know that she was a ninja so there was no way she could tell the nurse that she simply focused her chakra to her womb and sensed the presence of another chakra that didn't belong to her.
"Well..." She started and tried to formulate some sort of lie in her mind, "I-I missed my period so the only logical explanation for that is that I must be pregnant."
"Have you been sexually active three weeks before your missed period?"
"Yes."
"Okay." The nurse squirted the gel on Tsunade's stomach which caused her to squirm a bit for it was cold. The gel was then spread all over her stomach, "If you look at that screen beside you, you will be able to see your baby." The nurse said while pointing at the screen.
Tsunade gasped at how clear the image of her baby was. It was in black and white, but everything about that image was so precious to her.
"Oh my God." She gasped, "That's my baby." She smiled and put her hand on the screen. She felt a sense of connection to the baby, and didn't want that moment to end.
"You're baby doesn't seem to be moving much, but that's not unusual given how early you are in your pregnancy." The nurse said and began to set up the machine in order to hear the heartbeat, "Okay, we're going to hear your baby's heartbeat now."
The nurse moved the wand around Tsunade's stomach, but a heartbeat was not heard, "Sometimes the baby is in position where it's difficult to hear the heartbeat." The nurse said reassuringly as Tsunade waited anxiously to hear her baby's heartbeat. The nurse continued to move the wand all over Tsunade's stomach, but the room was still in silence, "Hold on for a moment." She said as she put her equipment down and walked out of the room.
Tsunade laid there, twiddling her thumbs, feeling as if something was terribly wrong, "How come we can't hear your heartbeat little one? You don't want your mommy to hear it?" She whispered to her stomach and placed her palm on her stomach and focused her chakra to her womb. She closed her eyes as she tried to sense her baby's chakra, but for some reason she couldn't sense anything but her own chakra, "Where are you?" She said in an almost inaudible whimper and looked at the screen once again. Her baby was indeed there, but why couldn't she sense it?
The nurse returned in the room with a doctor by her side.
"Hello there Miss Senju." The doctor greeted Tsunade and took hold of the wand, "Let's hear your baby's heartbeat shall we?"
The doctor repeated the same things that the nurse was doing and still there was no heartbeat to be heard. He put the wand on the table and looked at Tsunade with a solemn look on his face, "I'm so sorry Miss Senju, but it seems as if you have miscarried."
Tsunade felt her heart constrict as the doctor said those words. Miscarried? How was this even possible? Her baby was fine. The doctor proceeded to tell her that these things are common and that it was nothing that she did that caused her to miscarry, but Tsunade couldn't hear a word he was saying, for she was too caught up in the fact that she was not going to be a mother anymore. At first she thought that the doctor was just joking and that they had the volume on mute or something, but when she remembered that she couldn't sense the baby's chakra was when she knew for sure that this was no joke. Her baby was dead. That thought kept replaying in her mind. Why did this have to happen to her? Was this payback for being such a horrible person to her baby's father? Was she being punished?
"Would you like to discuss your options for removing the fetus?"
Tsunade didn't respond. The doctor took this as a sign that she wanted to be alone for a few moments. He retrieved some tissue paper from a nearby box and handed it to Tsunade, who was just staring down at her gel covered stomach, "Here you go." He said and handed her the tissue, "For your stomach."
Tsunade took hold of the tissue, but did nothing but hold it.
"I'll give you some time and then we can further discuss this." He said and walked towards the door, "I'm sorry for your loss." He walked out the room with the nurse behind him and left Tsunade alone.
She rose into a sitting position and wiped the cold gel off her stomach before fixing her clothes. She didn't know what to think, or what to do. She just felt like the biggest idiot in the world for allowing herself to become so excited over the fact that she was supposed to become a mother. As a medical ninja she should have known that the first trimester of pregnancy carried the highest risks of a miscarriage, and yet she so foolishly became so happy and excited over it when there was no guarantee that motherhood could actually happen for her. She was so grief stricken that all she wanted to do was to go home and bury herself under her sheets and hide from the world. However, the doctor was there telling her that they needed to discuss her options for removing her baby. She would now have to think about the way in which she would be separated from her baby forever.
The doctor walked back into the room a few minutes later, "Are you ready to discuss your options?"
She simply nodded her head and he began to explain the different ways in which they remove a miscarried fetus. There were many ways to remove the fetus, but in the end they decided to perform a vacuum aspiration. It was a quick, almost painless procedure, and before they knew it, the baby was removed from the womb. They ran some tests on the fetus and it turns out that it would have been a baby boy. They asked Tsunade whether she wanted to keep it or not, and she told them that she wished to keep it. They placed the fetus in a shoe box and handed it to her. Afterwards, she had to sign some papers, and she was free to go.
Instead of heading home, she walked aimlessly out the village. She wasn't sure where she was going, but she felt the need to find a perfect spot to bury her child. She was sad, but for some reason, she couldn't shed a tear. She couldn't break down and she didn't know why. She felt as if her world was ending and yet not even a single tear escaped from her eyes.
She would have been a mother to a baby boy. From the moment she was told this, she couldn't help but wonder what he would have looked like. Would he have had her hair color or Jiraiya's, her eyes of Jiraiya's eyes, or would he have inherited her personality or that of his father? She wanted to be a mother, but that obviously wasn't going to happen. The only person who she was the closest thing to a mother to was Shizune. However, the thought of being someone's biological mother excited her. She would not have loved Shizune less, but the fact that someone with half of her genes would be on the earth and carry on her family blood made her happy, but nature robbed her of that opportunity.
Not too far outside of the town, she stumbled across a shady spot under a cherry blossom tree that was currently in bloom. It was a beautiful, relaxing area, and for her, the perfect place to put her child to it's eternal rest. She took her time to dig a deep enough hole, and when that was done, she placed the shoe box inside and covered it over with some dirt. To mark the spot, she placed a rock on top of the dirt and planted some blue and yellow flowers next to it. That way, she will always know the exact spot where her baby was buried.
Instead of going straight home afterwards to wallow in her grief, she stayed kneeled down beside the spot for what seemed like forever. She kept seeing the blurry image of her baby that she saw at the doctor's office. That was the happiest moment of her life, but never did she consider that her child could have actually been dead within her. According to the tests that the doctor ran on the fetus, it was freshly dead when Tsunade came in. If she waited another day or two, her body would have naturally expelled the fetus. That would have been even more heartbreaking than simply hearing that her baby was dead. At least she had the chance to see it for the first time.
There was no use in telling Jiraiya now. The baby was dead, and so they would never be linked to each other through the child. They would never be a family. He didn't need to know about it now. Why would she bring him the pain of hearing that your child is dead? No, that would only hurt him and cause him to grieve. She knew Jiraiya better than anyone. Despite the fact that he never knew the child and wasn't connected to it the way Tsunade was, he would still feel sad about it's death. That was just the kind of man Jiraiya was.
"We'll never get that chance to be mother and son, will we?" Tsunade said softly to her child. It was irrational for the child could not hear her, but in her heart, she knew he could, "What would you have looked like? Who would you have been more like, me or your father? Oh, you would have loved your dad. He's a great man and he would have loved you, I just know he would have. From the moment I found out I was pregnant with you, I felt this strange connection to you and I still feel it. I guess I'll always be connected to you because even though you didn't get the chance to live in this life, you are my child and I will always love you. I'll never forget you. I just wish that you could have lived so that I could have met you and showered you with love, and that you could have met your sister. She's not biologically mine, but I love her as if she was my own, and you would have loved her too. We would have been a family, and I would have loved our family. Be at peace little one. Never forget that I love you and that I was willing to carry you to full term." She rose to her feet and stared up at the cloudless sky, "Perhaps we'll meet in the next life."
She walked slowly home, dreading the moment she would have to tell Shizune that she would no longer be a big sister. It was hard enough for her to accept the news that she didn't want to imagine how hard Shizune would take it. This was a dreadful day in her life, and all she wanted was for it all to be over.
Shizune was walking home from school in a hurried manner, with a tight yet gentle grip on a picture that she drew at school. Her class was told to draw a picture of their family, so Shizune drew a picture of her family unit. She knew that Tsunade was pregnant and that she would tell Jiraiya about the baby that day. In her heart she knew that Jiraiya would want to be with the baby and raise it with Tsunade, so in her picture, she drew Tsunade holding the baby, Jiraiya, and herself. That was the family that she knew she was going to have, so she was very proud of her work of art.
She skipped happily down the road until she came to her home. She was expecting to see happy faces and all smiles when she walked through the door, but what she found was anything but that. The curtains were drawn over the windows leaving the house in darkness. The only window that was open was the one the living room that Tsunade was currently staring aimlessly out of.
TonTon approached Shizune and let out a squeal that was unfamiliar to Shizune. Usually TonTon only made happy squeals, but this one was anything but happy. It was as if the tiny pig was trying to tell her that something was terribly wrong. The closer Shizune walked towards Tsunade, was the more she realized that her master was completely unaware of her presence. She was just sitting there, stating out the window and absently rubbing her flat stomach. Not even when Shizune placed her hand upon her shoulder did Tsunade even flinch.
"Lady Tsunade?" Shizune said while trying her best to pull Tsunade out of the depths of her mind.
Tsunade turned to face Shizune, and the moment she did, she turned away again to stare out the window.
"How was your appointment Lady Tsunade?" The black haired girl asked.
Suddenly Shizune saw a single tear stream down her master's cheek. She couldn't understand why Tsunade was crying and why she was acting so unresponsive and strange. Something was wrong, and she had no idea what it was.
"What's wrong Lady Tsunade? Don't cry." Shizune said and held up her drawing to show Tsunade, "Look, I drew a picture of our family at school." Shizune was hoping that the drawing would cheer Tsunade up, but all it did was cause her to cry even harder.
"I lost the baby!" Tsunade said through tears and wrapped her arms protectively around her stomach.
"W-What?" Shizune whispered and tried her best not to cry. Tsunade was now in hysterics so if Shizune cried as well, it would only make things worse.
Shizune didn't say another word. Instead she folded her drawing and placed it in her pocket before wrapping her arms around Tsunade's shaky body to embrace her. They stayed like that until Tsunade's tears ran out.
When Tsunade went to bed, Shizune made her way downstairs and pulled out the folded drawing that she made earlier that day. She took out a crayon and made her changes to her family picture. On the baby, she drew some wings on his back and a halo over his head. He was now an angel that only they could see. She added the words, 'he's not here yet, but one day eventually he will be.' Beside the picture of Jiraiya. She believed that soul mates eventually found their way to each other. In her mind, Tsunade and Jiraiya were soul mates that were destined to be together. She didn't know why she thought that, but she did. She taped the drawing into her scrapbook and stuffed it in her backpack. That scrapbook would follow her everywhere she went.
Somehow she felt the presence of the baby all around her. She knew in her heart that even though the baby was deceased, he would always be with them. As long as they never forgot him, he would be there. She finally allowed the tears to stream down her face, as she mourned silently, the death of her baby sibling.
This was hard on both of them, and it would take some time to recover from such a devastating blow. Even though the baby was dead, Shizune still hoped that her master could find happiness. Perhaps it would take some time, but she knew that eventually everything would work out, because at the end of a storm, comes a rainbow.
Poor Tsunade.
So this had to happen for things to get better. I know that sounds strange and everything, but please trust me.
There will be a time jump in the next chapter that will bring us more to the present Naruto (Not Shippuden). That's when things will get even more interesting so keep your eyes open for that chapter. I know I'm going to have a blast writing it so let's hope you have fun reading it.
Thanks for reading and reviewing etc etc etc.
Xoxoxo