Her blonde air blew in the chill wind as she stood there in front of the man who was the father of her her dead child, unable to say anything or do anything other than think about the day she put her child to rest. He was only an underdeveloped fetus, but he was still a life; a life that Tsunade loved unconditionally. The very thought of returning to the place she buried her son brought back painful memories, and overwhelming sadness. She didn't want to go back, simply because she didn't wish to be reminded of how sad and weak she felt that day. However, Jiraiya wanted to go, and he was asking her to take him.
"Why do you want to go there?" She managed to choke out as she gazed into his dark eyes, searching for answers.
He sighed and walked up to her so that they were standing side by side. He didn't know how to properly explain himself, but he knew that no matter what, he wanted to visit his child's burial ground, "I just want to feel a connection to him." He said, "I don't know why, but I really want to." He knew that the reason for his desire to feel a connection to his son was because of that dream he had. He had such a close bond with Riku that he found himself craving that same bond to the child Tsunade buried. However, he didn't want to tell Tsunade of his dream, for he still couldn't figure out why he enjoyed being married to her.
"Okay." She said, knowing that returning to the burial site will only bring her pain, "Meet me at the village gate in the morning."
She wanted to deny him of his request. She wanted to tell him no over and over and over again, but she just couldn't. He only wanted to feel a connection to the child, a connection like the one she had to the fetus. How could she possibly refuse him? If going to visit their child's grave would bring him happiness, she would take him there, for she was sick and tired of making him unhappy.
Tsunade turned from him, and walked back to the Hokage mansion. Many thoughts ran through her head, and many fears consumed her very being. What if Jiraiya doesn't feel a connection to the fetus after visiting the grave site? What benefit would either of them get from that? She walked into her house and took notice of how quiet and still everything was. Shizune and TonTon were probably asleep, but she needed to talk to someone. Shizune was the only person in the world Tsunade could trust wholeheartedly, so Tsunade gently pushed open Shizune's bedroom door, and saw the raven haired woman fast asleep, with TonTon curled up by her side. They both looked so peaceful so it was almost criminal to disturb them, but Tsunade was too conflicted to turn away.
"Shizune." Tsunade said as she stepped further into the dark room. She walked up to her assistant and gently shook her shoulder until she saw her obsidian eyes open.
"Lady Tsunade, is that you?" Shizune said in a half-asleep-half-awake voice.
"Shizune get up. I need to talk to you." Tsunade said while still shaking Shizune shoulder.
Shizune yawned and rubbed her eyes before looking at the alarm clock she kept on her bedside table, "You want to talk now?" She asked after taking note of the time, "Lady Tsunade it's one in the morning." She yawned again and saw that Tsunade wasn't dressed in her night clothes, "Where are you coming from anyway at this time of night?"
"I was with Jiraiya." She started, but was interrupted when Shizune let out a loud, annoying squeal.
"Master Jiraiya?! What exactly were you two doing?" She squealed, now fully awake.
"Calm down Shizune, it's not what you think." Tsunade sighed and settled herself into her adopted daughter's bed, "I was at the Hokage stone monuments when he approached me and apologized for the way he reacted when he found out about my miscarriage."
"He apologized?"
Tsunade nodded her head and continued, "Yeah, but now he wants to visit the site where I buried the baby."
Shizune looked at her in sympathy. She knew how hard it would be for her master to actually return to the spot where she buried her child, "So are you going to go there with him?"
Tsunade sighed, "I told him that we could go together tomorrow morning. I just couldn't tell him no."
"Do you want me to go with you?" Shizune asked, feeling as if her presence would ease the sadness on Tsunade's part.
"No. I think it's best if it's just me and him."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive." She ensured the girl. She moved out of the bed and patted Shizune on the shoulder, "Get some sleep, you're going to have to run the village while I'm gone."
She went to her bed that night, unable to fall asleep. All she could think about was the fact that she was going to visit her child's grave only to be reminded of that horrible, sad time of her life when she had to put her child to rest. Even though she would probably feel weak, she would have to pretend to be strong for Jiraiya, because if she broke down, who knew if he would do the same.
She woke up that morning feeling as if she were carrying a heavy load upon her weary shoulders. Uncertainty coupled with crippling anxiety were the only emotions she felt as she readied herself for the long day ahead of her. After taking a less than relaxing shower, and dressed herself in her usual attire, she walked in the kitchen only to see Shizune setting the dining table with freshly prepared pancakes, bacon, orange juice, and an apple on the side. Shizune was obviously trying to cheer Tsunade up by making her breakfast, but not even a hearty meal could lift her spirits.
Regardless of her mood, Tsunade put on a brave face for Shizune, though fake in every sense of the word, and sat down to consume her meal with her. The food was delightful, and even though it did little to nothing to cheer her up at least she now had a full stomach.
"Don't worry about anything Lady Tsunade." Shizune said in an upbeat voice, "I'll handle everything while you're gone."
"Thanks Shizune." Tsunade said, then walked out the door to meet Jiraiya at the gate for their journey to their child's burial site.
She walked through the village, trying to avoid the greetings and participating in idle conversation with the villagers, but her attempts were all in vain, for many of the villagers who were out and about that morning wanted to say hello to her, or compliment her on running the village in such an effective manner. She didn't wish to stand before them, smile, and pretend as if she wasn't trapped in emotional turmoil. She just wanted to get that day over with, but as the Hokage, she had to be friendly with the villagers. After all, they respected her and trusted her with their lives.
Anxiety started to get the better of her, and she just wanted to fast forward in time to the moment when she didn't have to visit her child's grave. She quickened her pace. And in a few minutes, she was at the main gate of the village. Jiraiya was already there, waiting on her with his hands buried deep in his pockets, and wearing an expression that was hard to read. Was he as anxious as her? She took a shaky breath and approached him.
"Ready to go?" She asked.
He nodded his head, "Yes." He answered and took note of the nervousness in her eyes. He could read her like a book. She always looked frazzled and uneasy when she was overcome with anxiety, and right at that moment, he could tell that she was anxious, "Are you?"
She purposefully evaded his question by pretending not to hear him and walking over to the guards at the gate to tell them that she would be gone for the day.
"Shizune is in charge." She told them, "If any problems arise, report to her. Got it?"
"Yes Lady Hokage." One of the guards responded, while the other guard simply nodded his head, understanding his instructions.
She nodded her head, and looked at the distance that laid outside of the village, "Let's go then." She said to Jiraiya and headed out. He walked behind her, not sure if the connection he so longed to have with his child would ever come, but held on to the hope that perhaps it would.
She walked the path to her son's burial site as if she walked it a million times prior, even though she had only ever visited it once. Her heart was twisting into knots with each step she took. Her eyes gazed over to her white haired companion and noticed that he didn't look nervous at all. It was as if he was just taking a leisurely stroll instead of going to visit his son's grave. She couldn't blame him though, he didn't have the connection to the baby that she did. In fact, he didn't even know about the child until now. In a way she wished that she was in shoes so that she wouldn't have to feel the pain of the fact that the baby she was so excited over, died in her very womb.
They continued to walk in silence, both unsure of what to say to each other. Their journey seemed as if it were as long as the journey from the Leaf Village to the Cloud Village, but it was only a few hours instead of a few days. Time moved slowly in silence and times of great anxiety. However, when Tsunade stopped underneath a shady spot underneath a tree that was marked by a medium sized rock, and surrounded by blossomed blue flowers, Jiraiya knew that their journey had come to an end.
"This is it." Tsunade said and crouched down at the site and ran her hand over the rock, "This is where I buried the baby."
She looked as if she were in great anguish, so Jiraiya crouched beside her and placed a supportive hand on her weary shoulder. The spot she chose was absolutely perfect. If he had been around when she was burying the child, he would have chosen a spot similar to that one. As he crouched beside her and in front of his child's grave, he failed to feel any sort of connection to him. He didn't know why, and this frustrated him. He forced Tsunade to take him there only to have his hopes crushed, and her heart in shambles. He placed his hand on the dirt that covered his child and closed his eyes, hoping that the connection would come. When his eyes closed, an image of a young man who looked very similar to himself with the exception of his hair color flashed before his very eyes. That was strange, for he wasn't even thinking about what his child would have looked like. He quickly opened his eyes and grabbed hold of Tsunade's hand.
"What are you doing Jiraiya?" She asked, confused as to why he was holding her hand so tightly.
He didn't answer her. Instead he placed her hand on the dirt, "Close your eyes."
"No."
"Tsunade, just trust me and close your eyes." He said in a serious yet frazzled voice.
She shrugged her shoulders in defeat and closed her hazel eyes, and he did the same.
They both found themselves in a white environment. Nothing was there, it was empty.
"Where are we Jiraiya?" Tsunade asked while looking around her.
Jiraiya didn't answer her, because he didn't have the answer. He had no clue where they were or who that boy he envisioned was, but somehow he felt as if the connection he longed for was coming.
"Hi mom." A voice said in the distance, and suddenly a boy who looked as if he were eighteen years old, with wild, spiky blonde hair, and obsidian eyes approached the confused pair. He was looking directly at Tsunade with a warm smile, but she was as confused as ever.
"W-Who are you?" Tsunade asked.
"I'm your son." He said and watched as Tsunade walked closer to him until she could reach out and gently stroke his cheek.
Tears welled up in her honey colored eyes as she realized that her son, her own flesh and blood was standing before her. She said nothing, she just wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tight, afraid that if she let go, he would disappear, and she would never see him again.
"Mom, you're squeezing me." He said uncomfortably.
Tsunade giggled and pulled away from the boy, "I'm sorry. It's just that.. How is this possible? You died before you even got a chance to live. How are you standing before me?"
"I'm in your mind mom. You never forgot about me, so I lived and grew in your mind." He smiled and wiped away her fallen tears, "I'm standing before you right now because you never stopped loving me."
Tsunade smiled and ran her fingers through his untamable hair, "Well you don't look much like me. You have my hair color, but you look more like Jiraiya."
The boy looked over Tsunade's shoulder and saw Jiraiya standing there, "You must be my dad then."
Jiraiya took a shaky breath and walked up to the boy, "I am." He said and held out a hand for him to shake, "I'm Jiraiya."
The boy took hold of his father's hand, and was shocked when Jiraiya pulled him into a tight hug. As they embraced, Jiraiya felt the connection he so longed to have with his son consume him. He didn't know about him, but he could honestly say that he loved him more than words could ever describe. He was his son, a piece of him, and a piece of Tsunade. In that moment, there were so many things he wanted to tell him, so many things he wanted to teach him, but he knew that this was only temporary. He pulled away from the boy and placed his hand on his shoulder, "What's your name son?"
The boy shrugged his shoulders, "I don't know. Mom never named me."
"I'm sorry." She apologized, "I should have named you, but it was too hard for me."
"How about Riku?" Jiraiya suggested, remembering the little white haired boy from his dream, the boy who he loved without any reason to do so.
Tsunade thought about it for a moment and smiled, "I actually really like that name."
"So it's settled then. My name is Riku."
"I didn't know about you Riku." Jiraiya said, "That's why I wasn't around when you were in your mother's womb, but that doesn't mean that I don't love you." Jiraiya explained, "Because I do love you. It's probably irrational, and crazy, but I love you more than I love myself. You're my son."
Tsunade looked at Jiraiya, lost for words, and in total shock. She never expected Jiraiya to love Riku that much within moments of meeting him, but she was happy. Perhaps this visit wasn't as horrible as she thought it would be. She was happy to see her son, and Jiraiya not only became connected to his child, but he came to love him more than life itself.
"I love you too dad." Riku said, "And I love you too mom." He wrapped his arms around both Tsunade and Jiraiya, hugging them both, "I know you guys will never forget me, and I'm glad that I got to meet both of you."
After the boy pulled away from his parents, a white light engulfed him, and he disappeared before their very eyes. Tsunade and Jiraiya opened their eyes, and they were back in their reality. They were both sad to leave, but at least they now knew what their son would have looked like, and what his personality would have been. They were both grateful for the opportunity to have finally had met him.
Their journey home was one of silence. Both didn't know what to say. All they could do was think about their son. He was perfect in every sense of the word. He was kind, understanding, and had a great personality. That was how he would have been if he was actually alive. What fun they would have had raising that boy. What a rewarding experience it would have been to see their child turn out so great.
Tsunade smiled to herself, pleased with the outcome of the very day she dreaded. Jiraiya peered down to see her smile, and couldn't help but smile himself. They were both actually happy.
"You meant it didn't you." Tsunade said.
"Meant what?"
"When you told Riku that you loved him."
He thought about it before giving her an answer. The boy he met just a few moments ago was not the Riku who he met in his dreams, but nevertheless, he truly loved him more than life itself. He was certain of it, "Of course."
"I love him too." She said as she formed his image in her mind.
"And believe it or not Tsunade, if I had known about your pregnancy, I would have been there for our child, and for you."
She found herself completely lost for words, and incredibly happy. All those years she thought he would not have wanted any part in the child's life, and nothing to do with her, and here he was, saying that he would have been there. She truly underestimated him. There was more to Jiraiya than what the eye sees. It was impulsive, and probably a bad idea, but without a thought about the consequences, she wrapped her arms around his muscular body, and embraced him in a sincere hug.
"I believe it."
He was as stiff as a metal rod as she continued to hug him. That was the first time they embraced in years, and he wasn't quite sure how he felt about it. As they were connected by the hug, he thought about the Tsunade of his dreams, the one who loved him, and not the one who chastised him, used him, and lied to him. With the image of the Tsunade in his dream crisp in his mind, he found himself wrapping his arms around her tiny body, and hugged her back. Only when the hug lasted longer than a normal friendly hug would, and when he remembered that the woman he was embracing was not the one who loved him, did he break away from her.
When they broke apart, the air filled with silence and awkward feelings. The hug was intense for him because he was imagining that he was hugging the woman he found himself waking up to in his dreams, but why was it intense for her? Neither knew quite what to say or if it was a good idea to address what just occurred between them, so they left the situation as it was.
"We should be heading back now." She said, breaking the unbearable silence at last.
Jiraiya nodded his head in agreement, and they both started their journey back to the Leaf Village. They managed to meet their son, so the day turned out well, but now they were both confused about their feelings towards each other. Why was Jiraiya thinking about the Tsunade who emerged in his dreams and not the one in reality? And how was Tsunade feeling about Jiraiya? They weren't sure, and who knows if they would ever be.
A very, very, very late update.
Sorry.
Hope you enjoyed it anyway.
I've created an outline for a new TsunadexJiraiya fanfiction, and I'm excited about it, but I won't actually post anything until this fanfiction ends. Our duo needs to put aside all their crap and get together, so it calls for my undivided attention. I hope you guys are looking forward to it.
Xoxoxoxoxo