CHAPTER 13: Not Your Aver-

"Wait wait wait, hold it, TIME OUT!" Blah shouted. He pulled out his life crystal, remembering that it existed and would likely help him in this battle. He turned to his reluctant partner. "Don, you wouldn't happen to know how to use this, would you?"

"Of course I do!" Don Patch replied cheerily, betraying his earlier mood. "One sec." He produced a colorful chest from hammerspace and began rummaging through it, haphazardly throwing out a bunch of costumes, wigs, dolls, and props until eventually he came across a pink 'Cheesy-Bake Oven'. He snatched Blah's life crystal from his hands and mixed it in with some batter, threw it in the oven and, in no time, retrieved a delicious-looking pink cupcake.

"Ooh, that looks heavenly," Blah commented, already salivating.

Don opened up his maw and swallowed the entire thing whole. Blah's jaw hung open as he saw his treasure disappear in front of him. "Tastes heavenly, too!" the poprock said with sparkles in his eyes.

Blah facepalmed, clutching his forehead tightly. "I meant... to use it for myself," he strained.

"Oh, well why didn't you just say so?" Don beaned him in the head with the life crystal before he knew what was happening. There was a bright, white flash upon collision with Blah's cranium, and the crystal was gone. The feeling was hard to place, but it was not unlike his muscles had become slightly more dense.

"Huh," Blah uttered, bewildered. "Thanks, I think?"

"That was hilarious and all," interrupted Bob, "but can we please start chapter 13 now? Whatever that was, it won't make a lick of difference against me! Against us!" The last two words came as somewhat of an afterthought. Bob's Pokemon tried their best not to look disappointed.

CHAPTER 13: Not Your Average Pokemon Battle

"Go, team!" Bob wasted no time sending off his troops. "Focus on the orange one, but be wary of Blah!"

Franz jumped into the air and whipped his tails around, creating a Swift attack. Don Patch jumped into the air and whipped his spines around, creating a Rift attack. The two collided in midair and cancelled out, making totally perfect sense.

With Don distracted, the Typhlosion saw his chance to take aim. Blah, unwilling to let him have such a cheap shot, rushed at him with his Breaker, but the Gallade intercepted him and blocked the strike. In the wake of this collision, Tryder emerged from behind, throwing out his arms to send several iridescent leaf-shaped projectiles in Blah's direction. He kicked away from the Gallade and blocked the Magical Leaves with his hammer, knowing they could not be dodged. This taxed his arms severely, however, and ultimately left the Typhlosion open to fire a Flamethrower at Don.

"Burn him to the ground, Zheil!" his trainer remarked, somewhat late.

Don, anticipating the attack regardless, leaped back to gain distance from both Franz and Zheil. He lifted his Cheesy-Bake Oven and opened the hatch, catching the flames. "Cooked to perfection!" Don commented, the oven launching flaming hot pies at all of the other Pokemon. As none of them expected such an unconventional counter, all of them with the exception of Franz became stunned by the burning confections. Unamused, Franz bolted after Don with a Pursuit attack.

Thinking quickly, Blah took out his other hammer and chucked it as hard as he could at the Buizel before he could reach Don. Zheil's Quick Attack pinned Blah to the ground before he could try anything else, but the hammer hit its mark and caused Franz to stumble forward. Don used the opening to slam his oven heavily down on Bob's ace Pokemon.

"Hey, that's not fair!" Bob complained at Don.

"Says the guy using six Pokemon at once..." retorted Blah as he struggled to free himself from under the Typhlosion. Unfortunately, Saucha had recovered from the pie quickly enough to zap both of them with Discharge. As electricity entered Blah's body yet again, he remembered how this was one of Bob's endgame strategies - he had specifically trained Zheil to be resistant to Saucha's attacks.

And then it hit him. Blah knew Bob's Pokemon better than the trainer himself! He kneed Zheil in the gut, forcing him off of Blah, and made a beeline for Phaunt, whose small body had been affected the most by Don's pie. This caused the Gallade to spring into action, rushing to get between Blah and Phaunt. Which, in fact, was exactly what Blah expected. He swung the Breaker to the side, clocking the Psychic-type in the head and dealing a heavy blow as he kept on for Phaunt.

"What?!" Bob shouted in disbelief. "There's no way he could have seen Yumos coming!"

Meanwhile, Don's relentless onslaught of oven on Buizel continued. Tryder couldn't take the sight of it anymore. The Togetic hovered above Don and whistled. When he had Don's attention, he stuck out his tongue and stretched his face in a taunting manner. Compelled by the move known as Follow Me, or perhaps just his own short fuse, the poprock had no choice but to hurl the oven straight at Tryder. The flaunting fairy was more than ready to fly out of the way. Don, however, followed up by suddenly leaping onto his back.

"Fly, Yoshi, Fly!" Don shouted, suddenly wearing spurs and utilizing them violently. Tryder couldn't handle even Don's weight, so he began to fall. Franz picked himself up, loosened his aching joints, and blasted at Don with an Aqua Jet. Don certainly was not expecting the Buizel to be up again so soon, and was promptly pummeled off of the small Pokemon.

"Good, now stop Blah for crying out loud!" Bob cried as Blah neared his physically weakest Pokemon.

With Yumos still recovering, Blah finally reached Phaunt and slammed his Breaker upwards just as she removed the pie tin from her face. SMACK! Phaunt was sent sky-high. He turned around quickly, correctly guessing that Saucha was next on his tail, her body sparking from a recent Charge maneuver. Blah slung his hammer at the Ampharos, meeting her electrically-charged fist halfway to its target.

The collision was nearly enough to pry the hammer from Blah's hand, but after a moment he found himself wishing it had. Saucha held firm, sending shockwaves through the hammer and electrocuting Blah. Yumos had finally recovered by that point just in time to give Blah a solid slash from behind. The attack severed his backpack strap and left a deep gash in his arm, forcing Blah to bend to one knee, clutching the wound.

Zheil was next to return to his feet. With Don having lost possession of the oven, he tried another Flamethrower. Don was caught in the flames, twitching madly from the heat. Franz descended with a front flip, crushing down on Don Patch with an Aqua Tail.

"Yeah! That'll teach him!" Bob cheered. "Yumos, Franz, finish them!"

Blah's heart and mind raced, time slowing to a crawl. His knowledge of Bob's Pokemon could only get him so far, and not even Don Patch could take on all six of these trained fighting machines at once in the end. But there had to be some way for them to survive. Blah was sure of it. He couldn't let his adventure end here.

"I told you this wouldn't end well!" Don cried, too weak to avoid the ever-encroaching Buizel.

Blah's grip on his hammer tightened. Between Don's lack of confidence, Bob's grating laughter, and Blah's unbearable pain, something snapped in his head like a twig. In an instant, Blah's eyes shot open. All pain was numbed. It was as though a dam holding back an unknown reserve of energy had broken, flooding his entire being with the drive to press on.

Bob took a step back at Blah's unexpected behavior. "Yumos, any second now!" Bob urged his Gallade. Yumos wasted no further time in dashing at the man.

"Fist of the Milky Way..." Blah found himself saying as he stood. He drew his weapon back. An orange aura surrounded him. "Black Hole Windmill!"

Yumos's speed increased, hoping to cut Blah down before he could finish whatever it was he was doing, but no sooner did he do so than he was knocked harshly away by a hammer spinning faster than a comet in orbit. Light began to fade around him as the windmill accelerated, drawing in more light and matter as it did so, including all of Bob's Pokemon. First Saucha, then Yumos again, then Phaunt were drawn in and clobbered back by the hammer, only to repeat the process. Zheil, Tryder, and Franz were soon to follow, succumbing to the cosmic whirlwind of spiky death just as the others had.

Bob watched in horror, and Don in awe, as Blah used his newfound determination-fueled power to clobber the Pokemon several dozen times each. When he finally ran out of steam, Blah collapsed, the world continuing to spin around him. As he forced himself to sit up, he looked around involuntarily at all the Pokemon he had sent to the ground. The shock of discovering what he was apparently capable of was dizzying in its own right.

"What do you think of THAT?" he shouted at everyone, especially Bob and Don.

"There it was!" Don Patch cried excitedly. "I knew you had it in you, man! You just needed a little push! ...okay, a big push."

Blah's gaze jolted upwards in realization. It all made sense now. Don wasn't belittling his ability, he was egging him on the whole time, and it was just enough to awaken the Hajike within him. It felt like a whole new world had opened up to him.

Unfortunately, he would quickly discover that the one technique wasn't enough to take out all of Bob's underlings by itself. Although the Pokemon were winded, they managed to slowly stand.

Bob sighed with relief, then resumed his previous overconfident attitude. "It'll take a lot more than that to defeat us!" he announced. "Everyone, swarm him while he's still dizzy!"

"Hey, buddy!" Don addressed Blah as Bob's team attempted somewhat reluctantly to shake off their injuries. "Now that you have the power, whaddaya say we really kick it off?"

"I'm down with that!" Blah responded, cranking his neck around and getting his orientation back. Don began rushing at Blah. He wasn't quite sure what the Patch was planning, so he held out his hammer towards him on a whim. "Fist of the Milky Way..." Blah began. Still a bit unsure, he stuck with what he knew: channeling his energy as he did before. Don leaped at the Breaker mouth-first, clamping over the head and replacing it with his own spine-covered body. A light went on in Blah's head. He held the Donhammer high. "Breaker of Stars!"

Thinking this combination was silly and impractical, Franz shot forth with an Aqua Jet to put an end to their tomfoolery. To his great surprise, Don Patch began to glow with the brightness of a miniature sun as Blah flung him at the Buizel, striking him head-on with surprising speed for such a large and bulky weapon. Franz bounced painfully off of the thing, skidding on the ground.

"Come on," Bob said through gritted teeth, "charge already!"

Zheil was the first to follow Bob's orders, followed by the rest of his Pokemon. Moving almost of its own accord, the hammer swung around, blinding and then smashing into each aggressor before they could get too close and overwhelm Blah and Don.

Bob was furious. "Franz!" he shouted. "Get up!"

"Buizel..." uttered Franz, driven by his trainer's words. His tenacity rivaled that of Blah.

Spinning around to face him, Blah pointed his Breaker towards the Buizel. "Solarbeam!" Don took the cue and began to charge up, heat radiating through the Breaker itself and starting to burn into Blah's hands. He gritted his teeth as Don unleashed all of his solar energy at once in the form of a beam which swallowed Franz whole. Bob winced.

When the light faded, and Don surrendered the hammer, Franz was still standing, his arms crossed in an X in front of him. The damage was clearly visible, and Bob's team leader struggled to stay on his feet, but even that didn't quite knock him out.

"Bui, bui," Franz grunted, as if to say "Is that all you got?"

Blah was astonished that this Pokemon managed to stay conscious this long. As he thought about the beating that this Buizel must have endured, Blah began to realize just how much of a toll all that heavy lifting took on him. It seemed to be easy to forget one's own physical limitations while under the effects of Hajike. He dropped to one knee. No amount of potion-guzzling could fix sheer exhaustion.

"Argh, out of juice already?" Don complained. "You really are new to this..."

Worse still, while the pummeling had finally taken out Phaunt and Tryder, Bob's other four Pokemon still had enough fight left in them to continue as well. Zheil and Saucha aimed a double-pronged attack at Don. Although neither attack connected, jumping around to dodge the fire and lighting kept him more than occupied.

Yumos took this as an opportunity to finish off Blah, and dashed at him blade-first. Blah could only twist his head around, panting heavily, waiting for the fatal blow...

CHING! The blade was stopped by what appeared to be a green onion, wielded by the protective Patch. He thrusted his signature Don Patch Sword, causing Yumos to stumble.

"Watashi wa Donpachi..." Don spoke in an uncharacteristically deep voice, his face more serious and detailed than ever. "Hai, watashi wa anata ga okotte, gūguru hon'yaku o shiyō shite iru? Anata wa watashi o tatakau, to gurīsumonkī no yō ni shindeshimau!"

"...Gallade?" Yumos answered, caught off guard.

"Shinu!" Samurai Don and Yumos engaged in a duel of the ages. Don aggressively advanced, and it was all Yumos could do to keep from getting hit by the vegetable.

"Ugh, this is tiring..." Bob groaned, starting to feel a bit tired himself. "Saucha, will you do the honors in Yumos's stead?"

Saucha stared down at the exposed, helpless Blahsadfeguie. She held up her fist, charging it with electricity in preparation for an easy Thunderpunch.

Blah looked up. The reluctance was evident in Saucha's face as she carried out her trainer's command. He glanced back at Don and Yumos to see if either of them had made any headway on the other. He was instead met with the sight of the two of them happily skipping rope together.

'Crap, Don's distracted...' Blah lamented. He looked at Saucha again. Her Thunderpunch fully charged, the Ampharos made her way towards Blah.

"Saucha..." Blah gasped, stopping her in her tracks. "I haven't forgotten... what you told me back then... about Bob..."

"What," Bob interrupted, his patience down the drain. "What did she tell you. HOW did she tell you."

Saucha put her fist down as Blah continued, both of them ignoring Bob. "You said... you cared about him... that no matter how misguided he was... there was still some good in him..."

"R-remember what I taught you, Saucha," Bob stammered as his Pokemon gave him a questioning look. "There's no such thing as good and evil... there is only victory and defeat. Don't you want to be a winner, Saucha?" Saucha clenched her fist harder at her trainer's words.

Blah couldn't believe what he was hearing. "Is that how he's convincing you to aid him while he works for Team Rocket?" Blah asked, his cause giving him the energy to speak fluidly once again. "Take a look at what he's doing. He's ordering you to fight people, to kill people, so that they can get away with kidnapping an innocent Pokemon and doing God-knows-what to her. If you love your trainer, you wouldn't let him stoop to this level."

Tears began to form in Saucha's eyes as she realized what she had allowed to happen. "Amph..." she uttered, letting the electricity in her hand disperse. Blah let out a relieved sigh.

Bob facepalmed. "So what if you formed a special bond with one of my Pokemon while I was gone," Bob dismissed. "I still have five other loyal soldiers willing to fight with me to the last! Isn't that right?"

His Pokemon did not show their usual level of enthusiasm. Instead, they stared their trainer down, as if ready to attack him.

"W-why are you all looking at me like that...?" Bob whimpered, intimidated by the collective death stares of his own minions. He took a step back, and all his Pokemon took a step toward him. Zheil was already charging his Flamethrower.

His work completed, Blah allowed himself to drift out of consciousness. The last thing he saw was the cowering teen shrinking away as his Pokemon closed in on him...

~"This is Gray reporting... from the moon, with a psychotic afro'ed manchild. He is serving me a breakfast consisting of deep-fried bacon wrapped in bacon on a bacon sandwich with bacon bread. If my cholesterol stays below 400, it'll be a miracle."~

The emptiness was broken by the delicious taste of apple cider.

Blah swallowed and gulped it down. The flask was removed from his mouth and his eyes blinked open. The world shifted back into focus around him.

"Welcome back, Blahsadfeguie."

The calm, content face of Seraphina greeted him as he sat up. Somebody handed him his glasses and he slipped them on, discovering that he was back in his wooden house in Blahtown. Don Patch, Cody, and Saucha were also in the room.

"I'm really sorry for all of that..." he heard Saucha say. "Thank you for helping me snap out of it."

"Oh... it's no big deal," Blah handwaved, still a bit delirious from having just woken up after such exertion. "So I take it Bob is out of the picture?"

"You bet! The pretty unicorn princess banished him to the moon!" Don Patch affirmed happily. "And his bodyguards aren't guarding any more bodies, either!"

"He was separated from his Pokemon?" Blah rubbed his eyes. "Wow, that seems a bit harsh..."

"Well," Cody smugly lended his commentary, "it was basically his fault, wasn't it? The Pokemon were just slaves to his bad influence."

"It is only temporary, of course," Sera clarified. "He was mostly mad with jealousy. Such extreme anger can lead a person to do extreme things."

Saucha nodded. "He needs the time to himself to cool down... I'm sure once he comes back, he'll be feeling a lot more rational... relatively speaking."

"If you say so." Blah laid back, idly gazing at the ceiling. He just hoped he would never have to run into Bob again. "Oh, that's right!" he exclaimed, suddenly sitting up. "Sera, didn't you say you had something to tell me?"

"I did," the Abra answered. "It is something I discovered when you were asleep. I am not sure why, but it seems that through your unconscious mind in particular, the entire world suddenly opens up to me. Through that, I was able to pinpoint the sources of the chaos that I have predicted."

"Oh, really?" Blah replied, intrigued. "That's amazing! But, uh, what do you mean by sources? There's more than one?"

"There are eight of them in total. I cannot tell precisely what they are, but while you were asleep, their locations were revealed to me. One of them is near Ponyville. Another, in Sinnoh. Six more are scattered around places you have not yet explored. If you want to rid the world of chaos, we will need to investigate these areas."

"Sounds like a generic RPG to me," Blah stated. "But if it's what I have to do... wait a minute. Did you say Ponyville?" Blah raised an eyebrow, remembering his experiences with the corruption. "I distinctly remember defeating the evil spirit Ipsus there... was that not chaotic enough?"

"Apparently not, as I am still detecting a large amount of chaotic energy in the vicinity. It seems as though you have only scratched the surface."

Blah sighed, his mood killed at the idea that his hard work didn't amount to as much as he had thought. "Then what do we do about it?"

"The only thing we can do," Sera informed him. "We must return to Ponyville, pinpoint the source, and rectify it for good."

"Can we start tomorrow?" Blah whined, laying back again. "I had some things I wanted to do..."

"Like this?"

Blah begrudgingly sat up to see that Bo-bobo had just entered the house. "Look out the window, boy."

Confused, Blah turned his head toward the window. He immediately saw something he knew hadn't been there yesterday - a new building next to Applejack's. It strongly resembled a Pokemon Center. "We knew you were wanting to expand the town some more, so we took it upon ourselves! A nurse already moved in!"

"A Pokemon Center?" Blah questioned. "But I'm not a Pokemon..."

Bo-bobo chuckled. "But that's not a Pokemon Center."

Again confused, Blah walked outside and examined the structure more closely. A sign on the building said 'Dorkemon Center'.

Unamused, he gave Bo-bobo a sour look, to which the big-haired man shrugged. "What, it's not like you'll only be healing Pokemon there," he explained. "Just yourself. A dork. D-U-C-K DORK!"

"Wrong!" Don Patch interrupted along with giving Bo-bobo a punch to the jaw, despite Blah being fully prepared to defend himself. "That spelled 'goose', you silly goose! G-E-E-Z-E-R GOOSE!"

"Now YOU'RE wrong!" Bo-bobo kicked Don Patch in the shin. "THAT spelled-"

"Just... stop." Blah warned the both of them. As his rage intensified, so too did the pain from the wound on his arm - still present, even after the potion that woke him up.

"What's wrong?" quipped Cody. "Can't you appreciate such a thoughtful gift?" Even the hardened snark had difficulty keeping his laughter in.

"I never said you could talk," Blah fired back, clutching his arm, clearly not in the mood.

"Looks like someone could use a prescription for happy pills from the nurse," suggested Bo-bobo playfully.

"And for the nurse, if you know what I mean!" added Don with a wink, elbowing his partner.

Bo-bobo looked at him blankly. "Actually... no, I don't know what you mean."

"What?!" Don appeared to be legitimately upset. "I thought you understood me..."

Blah decided to leave the Hajikelists to their bickering and take a tour of the new building. As much as he liked their shenanigans, he was starting to sympathize with the more sane characters from their show...

Fortunately, the interior of the Dorkemon Center was not unlike the real thing, including its calming atmosphere. Blah instantly felt his frustrations melt away as the familiar music playing quietly through the speakers reached his ears. Nurse Joy cheerfully greeted him from across the room. "Hello! Welcome to the Blahtown Dorkemon Center!"

"Did she really just say..." muttered Blah, snapping out of it. "Argh, nevermind." He put on a less-than-genuine smile and waved. "Hello, Nurse. I take it you're staying in Blahtown from now on?"

She nodded, ignoring Blah's near-outburst. "Yes, I'll be here whenever anyone needs a checkup!"

Joy's perpetual aura of optimism was enough to put the lid on Blah's anger issues for good. "Excellent," he remarked. A sudden sting reminded him once again that his wounds had not faded with his negativity. He flinched. "Now, uh, I don't suppose you can do anything about my arm...?"

"Of course," the nurse affirmed. "Just have a seat right here, please!" She indicated the machine on which trainers would usually leave their Pokeballs.

Blah stared at it skeptically. "Really?" he asked. "Just like that?" Joy nodded. "Alrighty then..."

Hesitantly, he did as he was told. Once Blah was in place, Nurse Joy fiddled with some buttons on the side. A wave of light briefly washed over Blah, and all of his pain dispersed in an instant.

He studied his arm skeptically. Not even a scar was left. Speechless, he glanced at the nurse gratefully.

"You're welcome," Joy happily declared, understanding. "That'll be 1 silver and 89 copper."

Joy's sudden fee snapped Blah back into the moment. "I thought your services were free...?"

"They are, for Pokemon," the nurse clarified.

Taking the hint, Blah begrudgingly reached into his pocket and counted out the fee. Unfortunately, due to his recent excursion, all but 1 of his silver had merged into a gold coin through whatever strange physics governed this world, and he wasn't about to break a gold coin when he had enough copper. He began counting out the 89 coins by hand, a process that made Blah somewhat irritated again.

As he counted, he realized something peculiar. He thought to himself, "That's the third time I've seen or heard the number 89 since I came here..." Although Blah didn't believe in coincidences, he couldn't help but feel a little superstitious that this number was apparently haunting him.

"Thank you!" said the nurse, taking Blah's money and yet again snapping him out of his wandering mindset. "We hope to see you again!"

Blah finally hopped off of the machine. As he did so, he repeated Joy's last words in his mind. "Wait, you hope I get injured again? Is that what you're implying?" He hadn't imagined Joy of all people would be willing to see someone get injured just to get more money from them.

The nurse said nothing, only continuing to give Blah her trademark smile with her hands folded in front of her.

"Maybe I'm reading too deeply into things..." Blah dismissed as he walked out of the Dorkemon Center with mixed feelings.