The first Sunday after the Harvest Festival, I'm awake and half-way across the district to the place I cross the fence before I even have time to think about what I'm doing.
Since Effie's little announcement, I've barely been able to sleep. I spend most of the night tossing and turning, and wondering how on earth I'm going to get through this next one. It doesn't seem real, what's happening to Peeta and me. When we became victors, we were supposed to earn a life of ease! But after that trick I pulled with the berries… is it any wonder that this happened?
I don't know. What's more, I don't really know how to figure it out. Every time I try to think about it, my mind wanders, refusing to go there for some reason. But it's a good thing that everyone packed up and left immediately after the Festival was over, because I had to get out of there.
It isn't until after I've reached the fence and slid underneath in my usual spot that I'm able to clear my mind a little. The further into the wild I go, the more clarity I get. The more I understand what made me come out here in the first place. I need to talk to Gale, and soon. Today, if he'll show up. Will he? I don't know. After weeks of being forced to watch Peeta and me on TV, ending in our supposed engagement… maybe he won't show. But I try not to think about that possibility. He has to show up. Because we need to plan how we're going to escape.
When I reach our usual meeting spot, I leave the leather bag full of food and the clasp full of hot tea I grabbed out of our kitchen before I left. I also leave a pair of fur-lined gloves that Cinna left behind. Then I search in the surrounding plants a bit until I find a few twigs that will work. Not too big to be obvious to the untrained eye, if one should come through here, but big enough that someone like Gale will see it and know what it means. I arrange them next to the rock we normally sit on, pointing in the direction I'll be going. If Gale comes, he'll know which way to go.
He has to come, I realize as I begin breaking a path through the cold, misty woods to the lake. There are things he has to know… though I already know that I can't tell him what happened on the last night in the Capitol. But I can tell him enough. Enough that he can help me figure out what to do. How to escape. After what happened on that night at the Harvest Festival, I know it's my only option…
When Effie told us about Snow's latest plans for Peeta and me, I went into a state of shock that I don't really know how to describe. The world around me seemed distant, as if I were watching everything from far away. My body felt heavy and useless, even though I was still able to command it. The only other time I've really felt anything like it was in the arena, after Rue died. When the only way I could do anything was by giving myself simple commands to follow. That was what it was like when I learned that we were going back to the Capitol.
Somehow, I managed to make it away from Effie and Peeta, and cornered Haymitch as he was drinking behind the tents. One look answered my question.
"You know," I said.
Haymitch didn't even bother to answer. He just kept drinking from that bottle.
"How long have you known?" I demanded. I was furious, but I couldn't quite put together what was making me so angry about the situation
"Since before we left the Capitol," he admitted. "They told me before your first appointment."
That was why I was so angry. Haymitch had known all along, and he never bothered to warn Peeta or me about what was about to happen to us. My head was swimming with this new information, and I was still feeling fuddled from the spell that came over me when Effie explained the news, so I did the only thing I could think of. I lunged for him.
Fortunately, someone grabbed me just in time and prevented me from actually hurting Haymitch. Peeta, who had followed me both to find the same answers I was seeking and probably just to make sure I didn't do anything like I had just done, was holding me back. "Let me go!" I snarled at him, but he ignored me.
"I won't even bother asking why you didn't tell us," he said to Haymitch instead. "But why? Why are they doing this?"
"I think you know why, kid," Haymitch said darkly.
He's right. We never said it, but even if I didn't want to admit it, I knew why the night it happened. And if I knew, then Peeta probably did, too. As if we needed the reminder that he had control over every aspect of our lives. We both stand there silently wrestling with the information, before Peeta speaks again.
"So what can we do?" he asks wearily as he settles his weight against a bale of hay.
At this, Haymitch's eyes soften. He looks almost guilty. "The only thing you can do is play along," he says. "Snow holds too much power for you to do otherwise. You don't want to know what will happen if you try to refuse him."
"Don't we?" I say. Because I think he's wrong. I think I'm only too aware of what will happen if I try to fight this. That very same thing he warned me about when he paid me that visit right before the Victory Tour. If I fight this, then everyone I love will pay for it. This is his way of making sure there is no question in my mind that he is in control. Which means there is only one option left.
That's why I have to talk to Gale today. We have to escape the district and slip off into the woods, and it has to happen before it's too late. I just hope he can listen to reason, and not let anything he saw on TV mess with his opinion.
When I reach the lake, I head immediately for the one-room concrete house that was abandoned some time ago. I start a fire in the fireplace and count on the mist to obscure the telltale sign of smoke. While the fire catches, I sweep out the snow that has accumulated under the empty windows, using an old twig broom my father made for me when I was about eight and played house here. I also use some of the snow to make some tea using pine needles, melting it until it's hot enough to drink. Then I settle down next to the fireplace while I wait for Gale to show.
It's a surprisingly short time before he appears. He stands in the doorway as if he's not quite sure whether he should come in or not. He holds a dead turkey he must have encountered along the way, and a bow is slung over his shoulder. In his eyes I can see the pain his temper can't quite hide. I could take hours to explain everything to him about why we need to leave as soon as possible, and still I might lose him. And I can't bear the thought of losing Gale. Not after everything else. So I just come out with it.
"We have to run away. Immediately."
Gale raises an eyebrow, but otherwise doesn't seem too phased. "Don't you think your fiancé might have something to say about that?"
"He's not my fiancé. That's just part of the act. And… I think he would understand. I mean- I mean, it doesn't matter what he thinks! We just have to go!"
Gale looks unconvinced, so I cut right to the heart of my argument. "President Snow threatened to have you killed, "I say.
This seems to melt his facade a little. "Anyone else?" he asks.
"Well, he didn't exactly give me the list. But there's a good chance it includes both our families."
"Unless what?" he asks.
That is a loaded question that I am not quite sure how to answer. I'm not ready to talk about what the 'what' actually is, and that Snow has already enforced it once, with round two only a couple weeks away. How would I even explain that, anyways? Unless I keep having sex with Peeta for other people's entertainment? Surely it would do the trick of convincing Gale. I can just imagine how enraged he would be if he found out what they were making us do. But I'm not ready to talk about it. So instead I just say, "I don't know."
Maybe it's the helpless way in which I say it, but it's enough to bring Gale over to the fire. He sits down across from me, warming himself. "Well, thanks for the warning," he says. He tosses Cinna's gloves in my direction. "Here. I don't want your fiancé's old gloves."
I catch them and turn, ready to snap, but I catch the glint in his eye. I hate myself for smiling. Nothing about this is funny. "They're not Peeta's gloves. They were Cinna's."
"Then give them back. If I'm going to die, then at least I'll die in comfort."
"That's optimistic. Of course, you don't know everything that's happened."
"Let's have it," he says.
I should have expected this. Of course he would want to know the details, especially after a comment like that. But where do I start? What can I tell him? How much of it can I do without delving into the parts I'm not ready to share? My mind goes blank, and all I can do is stare dumbly at him while I attempt to piece things together.
Unfortunately, Gale takes my silence the wrong way. With an exasperated sigh, he turns instead to the leather bag and begins to make a meal. "So you can't even tell me then, is that it? Because I won't understand what you've been through, right? Only your fiancé could possibly understand that." He spits out the last part, biting sarcasm dripping from every word.
"No!" I rush to try to mollify him. "That isn't it at all. It's just… I… " I search desperately for something I can say that would make him feel better. But it's hard, because the thing is, he's right. There are things about what I've gone through that only Peeta can understand. But why should that mean Gale can't be there as well?
"We have to disappear into the woods," I say. "Just like you said the morning of the Reaping."
Gale stops his actions and looks at me. I have his attention.
"We have to, Gale," I continue. "It's the only option.
Gale steps towards me. Extends his arms out. Immediately, I slink out of his touch just as he's about to embrace me. I don't mean to do it, I really don't. But after what happened to me, I guess I can't stand to be touched. But Gale doesn't know that, and just as expected, he takes it the wrong way. Still, I can see him masking his hurt as he swallows.
"You mean it?" he asks. "You really want to go?"
It isn't a matter of what I want so much as what I know we need to do if I'm going to save everyone I care about. Still, I nod my confirmation.
"Then we'll go," he says. "Though my mother is going to take some convincing."
"Mine, too. But I'll just have to make her see reason." If worse comes to worse, I could always tell her what they did to me in the Capitol. Maybe I should anyways. She can probably mix some sort of concoction that can ensure nothing comes from it. Except I'm not sure I'm any more ready to talk about it with her than I am with Gale. I don't want to talk about it with anyone, really.
"She'll agree," Gale says. "I watched most of the Games with her. She won't say no."
"I hope not. Haymitch will be the real challenge."
"Haymitch?" Gale's expression grows stony. "Just how big exactly is this party you're planning?"
"I have to take him!" I insist, growing agitated myself. "If I left him or Peeta behind, they'd kill them both immediately! Or worse. They'd probably torture them, trying to find out where I was!"
"What about Peeta's family?" Gale counters. "Do you really think they would go along with us into the woods? They probably couldn't wait to inform on us! Which he's probably smart enough to realize. What if he decides to stay behind?"
I try to sound indifferent, but my voice cracks. "Then he stays."
"You'd leave him behind?" Gale asks.
"To save Prim and my mother, yes. I mean, no! I'll get him to come!"
"And what about me?" Gale's voice has grown demanding now. "If, for example, I couldn't convince my mother to bring three children into the woods in winter. Would you leave me behind?"
"That can't be an option- " I begin.
"It might be, Katniss." It's a terse answer. His voice is cold; distant.
There's a long, pregnant moment where I desperately try to search for the right words to say to convince him to go. But it's no use. My mind is too cloudy. I watch Gale smoldering in the glowing embers, glaring at me out of the corner of his eye. Maybe it would help me to get outside. Get some fresh air. It's hot in here; I feel like choking.
"You're leaving?" Gale asks as I turn towards the door.
"I- " I falter, but keep pressing towards the door, trying to shake clear my head.
"Katniss." His voice is softer now. Still I head for the door. "I have to get outside," I mumble.
He barely touches me. It's nothing more than a light brush of the hand. But it's unexpected and it's enough. I scream, turning on him, not sure whether I want to push him to the ground or cower in the corner. Maybe both, if I can manage it. By the time my minds slows and I understand what's happening, my chest is heaving as I glower at Gale like some sort of crazed, wounded animal. And he's looking back at me as if I were one, half ready for an attack and half hoping to soothe it. Me.
"All I did was brush your hand," he murmurs.
I say nothing, and just glare at him a few more seconds before I grab my bow and supplies and slam the door behind me, taking off into the lifeless, grey snow.
Appropriate, I think as my legs carry me anywhere to get away from here.
Author's Note: I am so sorry that this story has been sitting un-updated for well over a year now! I took some much needed time away from fanfic and fandom in general, and time really slipped away from me because of it. But I never intended to abandon this story! Updates should happen more frequently, though I am working full time and have gone back to school, so they will have to be whenever I can fit them in. Still, it won't be another year before you see an update. ;) In fact, there might even be one in another week...
Anyways, thank you if you're still reading this story, and I'm sorry for making you wait!