Hello Readers, if any of you are still there! The last time I updated this story (before the chapter a week or so ago) was so long ago; I'm not sure if anyone is still interested lol. But I recently decided to continue with this story when I reread it and fell in love with it all over again. It's hard to believe I started this fic SEVEN YEARS AGO! I never thought I would still be writing it at this point, having gone from high school student at the beginning to college grad now. But I felt I owed it to myself to finish something for once, so I really hope I am able to finish writing this story. It helps encourage me to read reviews as well, so please review if you want to see more! Not sure how active JR fans anymore but every bit helps! Thanks, and enjoy!

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I burst through our apartment door and stomp in, still seething furiously. I kick my shoes off as Nowaki enters cautiously behind me. We've just arrived home after what was supposed to be a calm and friendly visit to Nowaki's favorite patient at the hospital, until-

Until…!

"Hiro-san?" Nowaki calls timidly after me as I trudge into the living room. I ignore him, somehow having the wherewithal to wait until he enters our home to begin shouting at him. I hadn't said a word to him since the hospital, since right before that jackass Tsumori whisked him away from our visit. Arms crossed, I lean against the arm of the couch and close my eyes.

"Kamijou-san?" Yuki said. "Did I say something bad? I'm sorry…."

"No," I sighed after a minute, still holding my head. A blush colored my cheeks. Another long silence. "Nowaki…told you that?"

"Mhm. He said it was a secret, but…it's about you, so you know it already." I didn't look at her, but I could hear her fidgeting with the edge of her sheet again. "Unless, it's not true?"

I forced myself not to jump up and shout, "Of course it's true; Nowaki doesn't lie!" but I held my tongue. "No, it's true," I finally admitted. Geez, I couldn't even admit to my parents I love a man, but here I was confessing just that to a little kid.

Yuki was quiet for a while. For so long in fact, I eventually looked up at her. She was staring out one of the huge windows in the hospital room, eyes focused on something I couldn't see. It was the first time I really looked at her. It was strange; she was like this fragile little sick doll, with unblemished skin and dark eyes. She had almost no eyebrows, and I knew there were only thin wisps of hair under her crocheted hat, which I just realized was a different color than last time; rather, a different shade of blue. Lighter.

"You must be really happy, then," she finally said. "Kusama-san is so kind and happy."

I just kept staring at her. Yes, there's that weird, cryptic kid from last time. But I couldn't help but wonder…could there be more going on in that young brain than I initially thought?

"Sorry!" came a sudden shout as the door to the room burst open. Yuki and I both jumped at the sound and looked to see Nowaki striding in. "Tsumori had me longer than I'd hoped…." He trailed off for a moment before looking between Yuki and myself. "Ahh, are we having a nice conversation in here?" he asked brightly, putting his hands on his hips.

I glanced at Yuki, who was glowering at the mention of Tsumori. That gave me some unexpected delight! But still having so much frustration at how Nowaki just let Tsumori kidnap him, I knew the visit was over. Plus, I had some choice words for Nowaki and I would rather not spew that venom in front of a kid.

I rose to my feet. "Yuki-chan, it's been a pleasure," I said stiffly, without meeting her gaze. I focused my freshly infuriated stare on Nowaki, whose expression went from pleased to dismayed in record time.

"Wait-!" he cried as I approached him. I grabbed the back of his sweater and dragged him out of the room after me, ignoring his verbal and physical stumbling. "Sorry, Yuki-chan! I'll see you tomorrow!" he finally managed to shout. I could only imagine the look on her face as we left.

And now here we are.

I open my eyes and watch calmly as Nowaki enters the living room. He is more cautious than ever at the fact that I haven't raised my voice yet. "Hiro-san?" he asks again as he gently sets his shoulder bag down on the chair that, along with the couch, flanks the coffee table. He stands next to it and I watch him nervously shift his weight.

I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Nowaki," I growl, "why…DID YOU ABANDON ME LIKE THAT?!" I grab book after book from the stack I left on the coffee table and chuck them at him rapid-fire as I yell. He jumps back and raises his arms to protect his face. When I run out of books I stand there, still on the offensive, breathing hard with my fists at my sides.

Nowaki lowers his arms and I see him grinning.

Is he an idiot?!

"Oh, thank goodness. I was worried when you didn't yell!" he says, smiling and full of relief.

"Shut up! You should be far from relieved!" I shout. "Why did you let that moron Tsumori kidnap you like that?! What was so important that it couldn't wait until tomorrow?!"

Nowaki blinks, eyes wide. "Ah, well…he just wanted to talk to me. Well, vent at me, I guess. I didn't get a chance to say much." He offers me an apologetic smile but I just frown at him even harder.

"Seriously?!" I squawk as I start to pace. "If he was just going to do that, why did it have to be you?! It's like he did that just to get you away from m-!" I stop in my tracks and explode all over again. "NOWAKI!" I yell as I whip around to face him, pointing at his face- "Why do you hang around this guy?! His type is seriously the worst!"

"Yes, Hiro-san, you are very clear about your feelings toward him," Nowaki says, still keeping on that rueful smile. "He's really not a bad person, though. He just makes some…questionable decisions sometimes."

I scoff loudly and cross my arms again. "Keh! What is it this time, he hit on some married woman again?"

"Uhh…."

"Nowaki!"

"Erm…he said it was a couple of college girls this time."

"UNBELIEVABLE! Why does he trouble you with his weird pursuits?! It pisses me off!" I start pacing again, looking daggers at the rug.

"Hiro-san, we're friends, so he's not tr-"

"Additionally, you're forgetting that when he took you away, you left me alone with that-" I hesitated to say '"brat," probably for the first time in my life – "-kid!"

He frowns a little. "She has a name."

"Whatever!" I scowl at him. "I didn't even know what to say to her. I don't know her at all!" I lose my nerve the slightest bit and look back down at the rug.

Shut up.

Nowaki sighs and takes a moment to decompress, just a little. I hear the little sounds he makes when he stretches and look up in time to see him rubbing the back of his neck. "Well?" he asks after a minute, smiling crookedly. "Did you get to know her a little?"

"Hardly!" I sputter on reflex. Then I remember:

"Kusama-san loves 'Hiro-san'!"

I stiffen up and feel new rage coursing through my veins. Nowaki stops rubbing his neck and watches me retreat into myself. I cross my arms so tight I feel like my ribcage cracks, my eyebrows are so knitted together that I have a permanent chasm above my nose, I burst at the seams from a confusing blend of shame, fury, humiliation, vulnerability…

…joy?

"Hey, Nowaki," I rumble with the wrath of a thousand Hirokis, "would you like to know what Yuki said to me?"

Nowaki's eyebrows are high on his face, his eyes wide, his voice nervous. "Y…yes?"

I feel myself transforming into a black eldritch shadow of shame, all inflicted by an eight year old. "She said…that you told her…that you…love me…like a daddy and a mommy. Is. This. True?" At this point my rage is so powerful I can barely think straight. But I do see-

I see him-

Wait.

He…

Blushes?!

Instantly my wrath is washed away and I'm left standing there, shocked and confused. Because Nowaki…is brighter red than I've ever seen him – or anyone – ever before.

His lips are slightly parted, like he was about to say something right before he froze. His expression is still so shocked, and his usually calm face is so red…right up to his ears! He's sort of…kind of…extremely…

C-cute.

Neither of us can find any words for a minute, just standing there like idiots and staring at each other. The flustered (shut up) feelings I started to feel at seeing such a rare Nowaki phenomenon has made me flush too, so now we're both red.

And hopeless.

Nowaki speaks first, thankfully. "U-um…Hiro-san…for what it's worth, she…really wasn't supposed to ever speak of that to anyone…."

I manage to find my tongue. "Are you an idiot?! W-what kind of numbskull tells a child a secret and thinks they will keep it!" I splutter. "Those are dangerous words you told her! Think of what could happen if she told another employee there!"

"But I couldn't help it!" Nowaki bleats, still bright red. "We had grown so close, and talked so much, and she started to ask me about the nature of mine and your relationship…."

My shoulders rise defensively and I frown at him again. "You liar! A little kid doesn't think about those kinds of things!"

"I'm being honest!" Nowaki cries. "And I couldn't just lie to her!"

"The hell you could!" I look wildly all around me for more things to throw at him, but most of my available ammunition is already in a pile around Nowaki's feet. I snatch the little pile of coasters off the coffee table and pitch them one by one at him. I've weaponized them dozens of times already.

Nowaki scoots to one side to dodge most of them. "Hiro-san, wait! I just realized something!" he says as his face lights up.

"Shut up! I don't want to hear it!" I peg the last coaster at his chest, but it's so small and light that he barely notices.

To my dismay, he starts coming toward me. "Oi! W-wait!" I yelp, but he's already so close that he's upon me in a second.

"Don't fight me," he says softly as he traps me in a warm bear hug. His long arms easily wrap around me, despite my own being folded against my chest. The heat from his body never fails to fluster me. Especially when his strong chest is pressed against my front.

"Don't tell me what to do," I growl, struggling in vain to escape his hold.

"Hiro-san, listen." He brings his face close and nuzzles his cheek on mine. "I think that Yuki-chan likes you."

"Hah?! Why would you even-?!" I squirm even harder, not knowing how to finish my sentence. It doesn't seem like that strange kid would like anyone, let alone someone whose nickname begins with "Demon!"

Nowaki presses a kiss to my cheek. The suddenness of it makes me calm down a bit. "Hiro-san, please listen to me," he murmurs. His breath tickles my ear and sends a shiver down my back. "I'm surprised she opened up to you so soon like that, but I'm also happy! That's how I know she likes you. It took her months to open up to someone when she started coming to the hospital. Maybe it's because her foster family moved a lot, or she was moved from family to family a lot. Sometimes foster parents take on more than they are capable of managing when fostering a chronically ill child. I saw it firsthand in some on my own foster families when I was young."

I quietly take in his words. It's been so long since we talked about it, and those times are rare in the first place, but I had almost totally forgotten about the fact that Nowaki was basically raised in foster care. I'm ashamed that I would have forgotten that very significant piece of Nowaki's life, especially since it had such an influence over his career choice and life's path. My metaphorical tail goes between my legs.

Nowaki continues talking without a hitch. "I would try to have friendly conversations with her every time she came in, since I always try to be personable to all my patients. She never really responded until the day I felt bold enough to as her about her life in foster care, and to offer her my experience, too. Umm…Hiro-san?"

I've started to squirm again, signaling for him to let me go. He finally does. I sigh and tug on the bottom hem of my shirt to straighten it out. Then I look him calmly in the eye, then point to the couch. "Sit."

Nowaki brightens a bit at my interest to listen and does as I say. I sit next to him, albeit a foot apart, and cross my legs and arms.

Nowaki clears his throat and continues. "Since then, we have bonded and are very close now. I think it's good for her to have a…role-model, I guess, of a person who also grew up in foster homes and still made a happy and fulfilling life for himself." I look up to see him smiling bashfully at me and scratching the back of his head. My heart flutters.

Nowaki puts his hands in his lap, his smile fading. "I just…my heart aches for her. She's going through so much, medically, and at the end of the day she doesn't have a consistent pair of loving parents to go home to. Not that foster parents aren't real parents! They certainly are, but kids want and need something more permanent. It's just so much for such a young person to go through. I wish I could do more for her. She deserves loving, permanent parents. I was never adopted, so I know exactly how much it hurts. That's why I…." He trails off, just looking at his hands in his lap.

"Why what?" I ask without thinking. I hadn't realized how enthralled I was by his story.

He just takes in a long breath and sighs it back out. "Nothing. I'm just lucky I get to spend so much time with her. It's unfortunate that she has to be in the hospital so much, but if she wasn't then I never would have gotten to know her."

"Nowaki, what were going to say?" I say, barely having heard his last few sentences. I turn my shoulders to face him even more directly and feel the beginnings of a scowl forming on my face.

"It's really nothing."

In one quick movement, I close the distance between us, put my hand on the top of his head, and turn it to face me with a snap of my wrist. He blinks at me a few times.

I frown back at him. "Tell me."

Nowaki's face falls a little and he looks away again. He knows he won't win this battle. I take my hand back and rest it on my thigh. "That's why I…said before, how I wanted to adopt a child with you." He fidgets nervously with his fingers. I bristle at his words, but more come before I can find any of my own. "I wanted that child to be Yuki, but…I know that it can't happen. For many reasons."

Steams shoots from my ears as my cheeks get hot.

I shouldn't have asked!

"W-what happened to wanting a baby?" I ask nervously, remembering he specifically said "baby" that night. My hand tightens into a fist on my leg.

"Well, I thought at first that's what I wanted. A baby is so precious, and is a blank slate that you can teach everything you need to. But babies are too much work, as you said, and need more attention than I think we could give because of our jobs. So then, I thought…what if we could get a slightly older child, one we could still raise but is a little less dependent? Then I considered Yuki and everything seemed to make sense. But…reality is a tough thing to face. I know it couldn't happen." That rueful smile plays on his lips. He blinks away a daydream and glances at me. "Sorry, Hiro-san. I didn't mean to get carried away. I know you don't care, and you think it's a stupid wish…."

Are you trying to make me feel terrible, you bastard?!

…It's working!

"What?! It's not stupid!" I holler, jumping to my feet. Nowaki is taken slightly aback and raises his eyebrows at me. My conviction wavers for a moment. "I mean…! You can want whatever you want! Wishes aren't stupid! Maybe difficult to achieve…maybe impossible…b-but not stupid!" I point at him, but I'm so close that my fingertip is centimeters from the bridge of his nose. I lock eyes with him and feel my face getting hotter. "Nowaki, you-! You better not be thinking I don't care about what you want! I really want you to be happy!" At this point, my hand is shaking. What am I even saying anymore?!

When the initial shock from my words wears off of Nowaki, his lips split into a wide smile.

Instantly, I'm full of regret.

"Hiro-san-"

"D-don't say anything!" I shout, flattening my pointing hand to shield myself from his gaze.

Nowaki gently grips my wrists and stands up, beaming down at me. He puts his free hand on the side of my beet-red face and leans his face down to mine to-

"Ah! Look at the time!" I yelp as I skitter back a few steps. I hold up my left arm and take an exaggerated look at my bare wrist before fleeing towards the front door. "Looks like the, uh, bookstore is closing soon, I better get there now!" Before I can even get halfway to the door, Nowaki is upon me. He hugs me around my middle from behind and makes my heart beat faster when he lays his head against the back of mine.

"L-let go!" I protest, grabbing his wrists and trying to pry him off me. It's weird that he hasn't said anything yet. I keep struggling for a while, but he remains silent. "Oi! Why aren't you saying anything?!"

When I finally stop struggling, Nowaki lifts his head so it's leaning forward over my shoulder. I gasp when he nibbles the cartilage of my ear. "You told me not to say anything," he says simply when he finishes.

I struggle to maintain my composure. "Are you getting smart with me?!" I growl as I start squirming again. "Plus, you just said something!"

"Well, you asked me to."

"That doesn't- hey! Where are you putting your hands-?!" My breath hitches as one of his hands pulls my shirt up and the other slithers under it. "I said I wanted to go out!"

"Hiro-san, we both know that's not true," he says just before he licks up the side of my neck. I can't stop the surprised moan that comes from deep in my throat. "Plus, it's not even noon yet, so there's no way the bookstore is closing." His hand finishes its slow ascent up my chest and reaches the base of my throat, where it grips me firmly but gently, as if he wanted to squeeze a little harder.

I want to kill myself as I realize I want him to.

"Nowaki," I say, but the sudden wave of lust that had come over me from that throat-squeeze turned my warning growl into a shameful whimper.

I feel his cheek muscles flex against my neck. That idiot is smiling. "I want to make you mine," he murmurs, effectively stoking the growing fire in my belly. The hand around my throat tightens for a second, while the other starts traveling lower….

I don't even try to stop him.