In this chapter, Lori suffers a full-blown mental breakdown. What you are seeing is my attempt at showing a broken mind desperately trying (and largely failing) to make sense of everything happening around it. A more coherent version of events is depicted in the following chapter but I don't think I went far enough in explaining some of the things that happened here. For example, Lynn, at one point, says that they are going to put Leia on the curb like garbage. In actuality, she suggested burying her and Lori's mind associated that with trash (people bury trash, after all). At another point, she thinks of Lynn as "The General" because Lynn was acting like a general...barking orders, taking control, etc. Lynn also says in this chapter, "If I'm going down, you are too." She does not that say in the next chapter, meaning she did not say that at all. Lori felt that Lynn was being selfish and basically saying that through her actions.
We also see flashbacks to the beginning of it all, Lynn Sr. beating Lincoln, Lori and Lincoln together, that sort of thing. The Loud sisters were abused and molested by their father, and latched onto Lincoln as a surrogate...taking the love from him that they did not get from their parents. I said in the first authors' note that I wanted to write a fictionalized version of the Turpin case, and I realize that, in a way, I did. The sin kids were not the stand-ins for the Turpin children...the original characters are. Lincoln and his sisters are the Turpin kids all grown up.
Every mind has its breaking point; Lori Loud's reached hers when she found Lyra on top of Leia, her hands wrapped around the little girl's throat and her teeth bared in an animalistic snarl. She stopped in her tracks, her eyes going to Leia's face: Her skin was blue, her lips were mashed together, and blood from broken vessels filled her eyes.
In an instant Lori knew she was dead.
She didn't know what happened next, but when she came back to herself, Lynn was pinning Lyra to the ground and Lana and Luan were kneeling over Leia's supine body, the latter with her hands covering her mouth and the former feeling for a pulse in the girl's crumpled neck. Lyra screamed in a mixture of pain and rage as Lynn twisted her arm behind her back. "Stop fighting!" Lynn growled. "Or I'll fucking break it!"
Dizziness overcame her, and her ears rang as if from a blow. For a moment she didn't know where she was or even who she was. Eyes watched from slittied doors. She felt them on her creeping skin.
It came back to her, and her legs carried her to her niece's side. She felt like a woman in a dream, a nightmare, not in control of herself but subject to some malignant outside force. Lana glanced up at her with wide eyes. "She's dead."
Lori felt nothing but cold.
Lynn drew back her fist and pounded Lyra in the head once, twice, three times; she went limp, her thrashing ceasing as thoroughly as if a switch had been thrown. Lori looked from her to Leia.
"What are we gonna do?" Luan asked through her fingers, her gaze never wavering from Leia's face.
Lynn, standing now and staring down at her dead niece, shook her head.
"We have to call the - "
"We're not calling anyone," Lana said sharply. "We…" she put her hands to her head in a sign of desolation. "I don't know, alright, but if we call the police, our kids are gonna get taken away. Fuck that." Her words came out in a trembling rush.
Luan's eyes shimmered with tears as her hands fell away. "We can't just leave her! What are we gonna do?"
"I don't know!" Lana roared then glanced at Lori. "Call Lola."
Lori nodded but didn't speak.
Some way, some how, she found herself back in the kitchen, her hand reaching out to pick her phone up off the counter. Her arm seemed longer than it should have been, and vertigo flowed through her like icy water. She swiped her thumb across the screen. Who was she calling again? Lincoln? She hit the text icon and but somehow wound up in her memo pad. MILK, EGGS, CHEESE...her brow pinched in confusion.
Lola. That's right.
She went to her contacts list and scrolled until she found her younger sister's number. She tapped it and lifted the phone to her ear.
A loud, ear-piercing tone sounded, and she winced.
"I'm sorry, the number you are trying to reach is no longer in service…"
Lori took it in stride. She couldn't take it any other way right now. She walked through the house like a woman through water. Things seemed strange, distorted. The walls were tilted, framed family photos looked normal but were somehow not. A bed sat before her. Leia was on it. Lynn. Lana. Luan. Looking grave. "Did you call?" Lynn demanded. Lori nodded.
"Well?"
She didn't answer.
Lynn snatched Lori's phone with a disgusted sigh and dialed the number from memory. Her eyes narrowed when she got the same tone Lori had. She threw the phone onto the bed and stormed out of the room, brushing roughly past Lori and almost knocking her down. Lori wasn't aware of this, though; now the only thing in the world was Leia's face. Dead. Blue. Luan was crying and Lana paced back and forth. She was speaking but Lori couldn't make out her words.
Something slammed with a sound like Armageddon, but none of them flinched. "She's gone," Lynn said. Something else slammed. "She fucking left, all her clothes are gone. Every fucking thing."
Laughter bubbled up in Lori's throat, and she gave voice to it, her voice hitching and her shoulders shaking. Of course she was gone. That's how it works in nightmares; we're alone holding the bag. Nothing else remains. The others looked at her like she was crazy, and maybe she was. Lynn picked the phone up and shoved it into Lori's hands. "Call Luna. Lana, help me tie Lyra to her bed."
The color drained from Luan's face. "What?"
"Shut the fuck up," Lynn said and help up her hand, "I need time to think. Come on."
Lynn and Lana leff the room and Lori texted Luna. Your daughter killed Leia. Something about that single sentence, so casual and to the point, made Lori laugh again. She could see Luna's expression when she opened it: Shock. Gasp. I say, I've lost my moncile in my drink! Luan watched her with concern. Are you coming back? Lori eventually typed. No, Luna replied, I can't deal with this shit anymore.
Lori wept. I can't deal with it either.
The little girl's face stared up from the floor of the garage, her eyes red and glassy. Lori laid a ratty blue tarp over her.
"What are we going to do?" Luan asked again. Lyra's wrists and ankles were lashed to the bedposts. Her eyelids fluttered and her lips worked silently. An ugly bruise crept across her forehead.
Lynn's fingers were threaded through her hair and you could see the wheels and cogs turning in her mind as she tried to think. The kids. The cops would take the kids if they knew. The center cannot hold, things were out of hand, death had come to the Loud house, and madness too. "We'll bury her."
Cold moonlight cascaded down like silvery rain. Crickets chirped in forlorn symphony. Lori dug the blade of the shovel into soft earth and threw a clump of dirt over her shoulder. Leia lay in the grass, her upturned face bathed ethereal.
NO MORE NO MORE NO MORE
Lori looked up from the cutting board. It was dinner time. Or lunch. The screaming was coming from upstairs. It sounded like Lyra.
"Until then we'll put her in the garage." Lynn sounded like she had all the answers., but she didn't look it. Miss-I'm-Lynn-Fucking-Loud-I-Can-Do-Anything-But-Parent was pale and drawn, her eyes dark pools of anxiety. It wasn't night, but Lori saw her face cast in lamplight anyway, flickering and dancing like the fires of hell. "If anyone asks, Lola took her and left." Lola left? Right. She remembered now. Luna left too. Rats deserting a sinking ship. No money, seven bucks on the food stamp card and three weeks left in the month, a girl tied to the bed.
"GET BACK IN YOUR FUCKING ROOM!"
Lynn rushed forward and raised her hand. Lacy's eyes widened and she stumbled back, losing her balance and falling on her ass. "NO ONE COMES OUT OF THEIR ROOM!"
Chink!
The blade hit a rock and Lori bent to move it.
Lulu was crying. Lizy stood in her doorway, staring into space, her face slack, lips parted. "Get your sister," Lynn said and shoved the little girl toward Lulu's room. Luan and Lucy were moving Leia's body from the hall. Lori saw them from the corner of her eye but not full on. She wouldn't look, she couldn't look.
The dead girl nestled in her arms like a baby, her head resting in the crook of her elbow and her legs hanging limp. She was heavy and her skin was cold. Lori stared straight ahead as she carried her down the stairs.
Are you coming back?
Time went by.
No. I can't deal with this shit anymore.
Lori was sitting on the edge of the bed, and it all came crashing down. She dropped the phone and sobbed into her hands. "I can't either," she moaned, her head shaking slowly back and forth in denial, "I can't either."
"You're gonna fucking have to," Lynn said. "Lana, come help me tie Lyra up. We can't have her running around."
Lana got up and they left the room.
"I'm sorry, this number is no longer in service…"
Lola too?
Lynn put her hands on her hips and stared down at Lyra. "We'll put her in the garage...then tonight we'll bury her."
"What about her?" Luan asked and nodded toward the schizophrenic. Soft firelight flickered across the wall.
For a long time Lynn stared at her niece. "Same with Leia. Her mother ran off and took her." Lyra fixed Lori with blood filled eyes and Lori held her gaze, transfixed. "But what are we going to do with her?" Luan worried. "We could take her to the hospital," Lana offered. "I mean...no one has to know she killed Leia. Right?"
Too risky, Lynn said, what if she talks? What if people start asking questions?
Lori laid Leia out in the grass and started to dig. Leia watched, her lips parted. Lori stole glances at her as she worked.
"Luna says she's not coming back either."
Lynn sneered and took the phone away. She read the text, then spun and smashed the phone against the wall. "FUCKNG BITCH!" She raked her hand through her hair and paced back and forth like an animal in a cage. Lana, Luan, and Leni stood side-by-side-by-side, chests thrust out, arms at their sides. Their faces were blank. Awaiting orders. "God-fucking-damn it, god-fucking-damn it, god-fucking-damn it," Lynn said through her teeth, wheeling on her heels then back again. "Now this shit's on us!"
"OH MY GOD!"
Lori glazed dazedly at Luan. Her trembling fingers covered her mouth and her wide eyes were dark with horror. Lyra was on top of Leia, her knees caging the girl's tiny body. Her hands squeezed...squeezed...squeezed. Lori imagined she could hear Leia's delicate throat bones cracking under pressure. Lynn rushed up the stairs, saw, and sucked air. "Move," she grunted and brushed between them.
"AHHHHHHHHHH!"
Fire filled the world. Lori raised the extinguisher and pulled the trigger: White foam leapt from the nozzle. She was sobbing and skirting the verge of insanity; the smell was awful, the sound of flesh crackling worse. Lincoln's face was a mask of agony. Can I come back inside? Uh...no, that's not such a good idea. He was standing at the back door, a blue blanket around his shoulders and Bun-Bun, his stuffed rabbit, hugged close to his chest. She was getting a midnight snack when she saw him peering through the window. Can I come back inside? Please? I'm cold. He's bad luck, she told herself as she went back upstairs, he'll ruin us all, kill us all, impregnate us all, and I'll help him...I'll be his muse, his spark, the virgin to his dark Christ. We are dead and this is hell.
Now, Lynn slammed into Lyra like a freight train; knocking her off and spearing her into the wall. Her grasp on Leia's neck released, and the little girl's head flopped back against the floor with a hollow thump.
She meant for it to happen...wanted it to happen. She was fragile, weak, a baby bird lying on the ground with a broken wing...and Lincoln was the kind-hearted little boy who took her in and fed her worms until she was better. Somewhere along the way she fell for him. Ew, your brother, yes, my brother, I know, it's terrible but he's...he loves me. Dad doesn't love me he only loves touching me; Mom loves touching the bottle; Bobby loved me putting out only I didn't so what was there to love? She was mean because she hurt...she hurt so fucking bad. The others were scared off, but never Lincoln; no matter what she did, he was always there, why? She didn't know but she liked him being there...and she wanted him there forever.
"What happened?"
Leni's voice was worried. She had just come up the stairs on her way to the bathroom. Lori was in the kitchen when she got home. Like Bobby, Leni was fucking Carol Pingrey only she wasn't really Carol Pingrey anymore, she was Carol Santiago. Lori took great satisfaction in knowing Carol was cheating on Bobby the way he once cheated on her.
"We're putting her in the garage," Lynn said. She was pallid, wan, like a corpse. "This shit's on us now."
You're acting like a fucking child, Lincoln; grow up and face the music, you're going to be a father.
He was sitting at the foot of her bed, his shoulders slumped and his head hung low. He kept ditching her to play with his little friends and fuck their sisters. She sat in bed pregnant and big as a house and he went to the arcade with that little Ronnie Anne slut. Her hormones were up and down, and half the time she seethed with rage. When he came home this time she slapped him across his face: A red, angry handprint marred the flesh of his cheek. She felt bad, but he needed to man up. She needed him...their baby needed him.
Chink.
Three feet down now, the soil rocky, thin. Lori jammed the blade into the dirt and shoved her foot against it. A cold wind blew but she didn't feel it.
I want a baby too, Lucy said, a testament to our forbidden sin.
I don't want anymore, Lincoln told Lori. He was growing weary, frustrated. Lori was too: So many kids, so much work. Can you, like, watch Liena? Can you watch Lyra for me, sis? I'll owe you. Lucy was supposed to be the last but there were more. Lori always suspected Lola poked holes in the condoms out of spite: Everyone else had a Lincy baby, so why not me? Then Lana...she badgered him for two years and finally he caved and gave her Lizy. Lulu was a test tube baby Lisa cooked up without Lincoln knowing. She collected his sperm...stole it and made a fake baby. Hahahahahahaha.
Chink.
Lynn yanked Lyra's arm up between her shoulder blades and the girl howled in pain. Luan and Lana flew to Leia's side. Lori simply watched.
"Let me go!"
She was covered in piss and shaking with psychotic rage. Her wrists strained against her bonds and her head whipped back and forth. "Let me fucking go!"
Dinner. I have to make dinner.
She shuffled into the kitchen and stared into the pantry, her mind trying but refusing to work, sputtering like a dying engine block. It didn't compute, nothing computed. She laid Leia out on the concrete floor, her head coming to rest in the middle of a faded oil stain. It was like a halo. Leia was no angel, though. Lori knew that. Everyone knew. She was a spoiled little brat and self-centered just like her mother. She was beautiful, though. Wasn't she? Lori could hardly remember what she looked like before. What color were her eyes? Chink. More rocks. She was four feet now but she had to keep going, just keep digging, just keep digging, digging digging digging.
CRACK!
Lincoln wailed as the belt lashed the pale flesh of his creamy butt cheeks. Dad's lips peeled back from his teeth in an ugly sneer. Are you watching, bitch? Lori was...through her tears. You dirty
Crack!
Fucking
Crack!
Pervert
Crack!
THEY SHOULD BE MINE!
CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK! CRACK!
"We'll put her in the garage," Lynn said and stared down at Leia's body, "then we'll bury her."
"What about Lyra?" Luan asked.
Lynn considered for a long moment. "We'll keep her tied up here forever. No one can ever know about her."
The house was on lockdown. No one comes, no one goes. Just for now, today, we need time to think think think.
Chink.
Five feet and counting. The surrounding ground came up to Lori's chin. We're all in here, she thought, we're all dead now.
Leia's bloody eyes bore into her as she snapped the tarp and drew it over her body. "We'll put her in the garage." Lori covered her face; the crinkly material adhered to the girl's face, outlining it in sharp angles.
I am better than you, sweetie.
Crash!
Food and grease splattered the wall. Lynn glowered at her. There's no escape. We're all in this together.
"I love you, Lincoln," she gasped and ran her fingers through his hair. He was on top of her, his hips pumping and his lips pressed to the corner of her mouth. The musky taste of his penis lingered in her mouth and the feeling of his crowned head stoking her G-spot made her back arch.
"I love you too, Lori."
WHACK!
"Your own fucking brother, huh?"
Lori was in a heap on the floor, her cheek stinging and her eyes welling with tears. Mom stood over her, rage in her eyes and alcohol on her breath. The positive pregnancy test lay broken on the carpet: It flew from Lori's hand when her mother slapped her.
"We'll put her in the garage like trash then set her on the curb Monday," Lynn said, "as for Lyra, we'll box her and put her in the attic. Simple."
"I'm leaving," Lana said, Lizy's hand clutched in her own.
"No you're not," Lynn spat.
"Yes I am," Lana replied defiantly. "I'm done with this shitshow."
She started toward the stairs but Lynn blocked the way, a frenzied look in her eyes. Her shoulders were squared and she looked like an ape. "No you're fucking not, your ass is staying right here with the rest of us."
Lana's eyes narrowed to slits and she let go of her daughter. "You gonna fucking stop me?"
"Yeah," Lynn said, "I am."
I love him, Mom.
Mom threw her head back and laughed. Her arms were crossed over her chest and her fat hips shook like Jello. You don't know what love is, Lori. You're a stupid little girl.
I LOVE HIM, she sobbed.
Lynn's fist crashed into Lana's jaw and her head whipped to one side. Lynn fell in and followed it with another blow, and another. Screaming in rage, Lana shoved her back and threw a punch that hit her between the breasts.
Chink.
SIx feet now, the magic number. Lori crawled out of the hole; her body shook with weariness and she could barely stand. Purple dawn seasoned the eastern sky. Stars twinkled. The moon had set and the night was alone.
Lana grabbed a handful of Lynn's shirt and rammed her forehead into the former jock's face: Blood burst from her mouth. Shrieking like an angry animal, Lynn pushed her back, and she fell to the floor.
"We'll put her in the garage...then we'll bury her." Lynn looked at Lori and a wide, sharklike smile spread across her jagged face. "Then we'll feed Lyra to the kids."
She wept silently as she grabbed a handful of Leia's shirt and dragged her across the ground. The little girl's arms formed a V and her pigtails slithered in the dirt like snakes.
Lynn mounted Lana and smashed her in the face….and again...and again...Lizy watched with no emotion. "Stop!" Luan screamed, tears exploding from her eyes Again...again...again...all Lana could do was flail her arms. In a stroke of luck, she caught a handful of Lynn's hair and yanked. That only served to make Lynn madder, though.
CRACK! CRACK! CRACK!
"THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO BE MINE!"
Lincoln lie on his stomach, ugly, bloody welts crisscrossing his quivering butt. Lori was huddled in a corner, sobbing into her hands. Dad shook his head and turned away, his hateful eyes falling on her and stopping her heart. He came over, and Lori cringed. He knelt, his evil eyes locking with hers. "You were supposed to be mine," he hissed and grabbed the front of her shirt.
The dead girl lay stretched out next to the grave. Lori pushed her in with her foot: She rolled and in a swish of blonde hair she was gone.
Lynn whipped her head around. Lana lay unmoving beneath her. "NOBODY FUCKING LEAVES!" She was beginning to panic. You could see it. "NO ONE LEAVES THIS GODDAMN HOUSE!" Maybe she was breaking down, too. It was all breaking down. Luan wept and Leni looked on in shock.
Dad jammed his finger into her face and she cried out. "MINE!" He drew his hand back, but Lincoln's broken, breathless voice stopped him. "Leave her alone, you son of a bitch."
"DO YOU HEAR ME?" Lynn was standing in the middle of the hall now. Lana was on her stomach and trying to get to her feet, but she was too punch drunk to do it. "IF I'M GOING DOWN SO ARE YOU!"
Lori laughed so hard she cried. But we're putting her in the garage...no one will ever know.
A grin crept across Dad's face and he turned.
Leia looked so small in the hole...so frail. Her skin glowed with a phantom-like luminescence. Her pink skirt rode up in the fall to expose the back of her white panties.
"Don't fight it, Linc," she said, "just make love to me."
"B-But it's wrong."
Lori giggled at the notion of what she felt for her little brother being wrong. "Linc...I love you...and what better way, what stronger way, to show your love for someone than by giving them your body?"
"DO YOU HEAR ME?" Lynn was standing in the middle of the hall now. Lana was on her stomach and trying to get to her feet, but she was too punch drunk to do it. "IF WE GO TO PIECES THEY'LL CATCH US! WE WILL GO TO JAIL AND LOSE OUR KIDS!"
"O-Okay," Lincoln said uncertainly.
Lori smile at him. "Don't worry, Linc; this is love...this is love…"
Sex is love.
Luan was sobbing and Leni looked shaken.
Dad got to his feet and went to Lincoln. "You want more?" he asked. The boy was on his hands and knees now: Dad put his foot on his back and pushed him down again.
"No!" Lori wept.
You have to be a man because there is no one else lincoln we're it you and me and the others don't you understand that dad's gone and mom's always drunk you have to grow up because we're all we have now
A clump of dirt broke across the back of Leia's head, matting her already tangled hair.
"I wanna leave!" Leni cried. She was on her hands and knees, Lynn looming over her. "Please let me go!"
Lynn grabbed a handful of her hair and yanked her head back. "Don't you get it, you fucking retard? You will lose your daughter."
"I don't care," Leni moaned.
"I DO!" She slammed her fist into the side of Leni's head, and the older woman toppled onto her side.
CRACK!
"Stop!"
Leia was covered in a thin layer now. Her white panties were dirty. White represents virginity. She wasn't a virgin...none of the kids were because once upon a time, their father loved them.
No more no more no more
Lori went up the tilted stairway, her body dark against the satanic glow of a fiery red light. Her hand trailed along the bannister. The walls were charred and oozing, the floor like mud.
JUST. FUCKING. STOP.
Orange light blazed across the sky like a spreading stain; the ground was covered in dew and birds greeted the morning with song. The world was fresh. Still. Lori dumped the rest of the lime onto the dirt then threw the empty bag away. The grave was three quarters full, a thick layer of the stuff spread out every two feet.
Leia was on her knees and Lyra was throttling her; the little girl's head flopped limply back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.
I'm not coming back. I can't handle this shit anymore.
"I'm sorry, the number you are trying to reach is out of service.."
They both looked at her, Lyra and Leia, their faces gray and mottled, their eyes black with death, their open mouths crammed with fangs. Lori's hand flew to her mouth.
"Stop! Please stop hurting him!"
He didn't. He hurt him bad...again and again...for years, only instead of whipping away at his Flesh he whipped away at his mind.
"I'm in command now," the general said as she marched along the rank. "Your orders are to remain at your post and to not leave."
Lori rolled Leia into the hole and knelt. The girl favored her with a gap-toothed smile. Fuck me, Daddy. Love me.
"You'd be better off dead," Mom spat. "Dirty fucking tramp."
We're all unloved. Love us, Lincoln, please love us.
"Get back in your fucking room!"
And we'll love you.
"Beat me instead!"
Win or lose.
Lyra thrashed against her bindings, animal hatred on her face. Lori walked over to the shelf and picked something up. The floor was concrete and cobwebs fluttered in the corners.
Stand or fall.
What better way to show you love someone than to give them your body?
I promise.
She patted the dirt with the underside of the shovel, making sure the earth was flat and even. Her muscles ached and her hands trembled, but she was clear-headed for the first time in years..maybe in her whole life.
She carried the shovel over to the back door, leaned it against the side of the house, and went inside. The atmosphere was dark, oppressive. The clock on the microwave said it was 7:01. She could go to the hospital then be back by eight if she hurried.
At the basement door, she paused, listened...then opened it...