You know, this episode is fine, but it's a bit of a weird one. Like I say in the fic, it's interesting to see just how James, Percy and Thomas centric this season was. I mean, don't get me wrong, to a lesser extent Season 5 was too. It's just that even those episodes had a more decent spread between the characters. But, whatever, it's fine. The episode itself ends a little weakly in my opinion, no comeuppance for Arry or Bert. Just...end.
Guest: Ta! Glad you enjoyed! Now, the stuff with the old woman will be explained (At maximum) by the time of next season. But I'll be revealing information throughout the next set of episodes that hopefully will reveal more to you.
AaronCottrell97: Yeah, Hatt's reached the point now in Percy's rants where he's just looking at his watch to pass the time.
Reality Rejection Service: Well...thing is...ah, but I can't spill the beans just yet. And yeah, Gordon's pissing Edward off something fierce. I'm really excited to write the result of that at a later date. It's going to be a big part of where I'm taking the story.
Bronze Shield: Cariin's pretty much given up on life at this point. And at being even remotely competent at his job.
bigyihsuan: Ehhh...Sort of. I mean, I'm not a big fan of Calling All Engines, so it's not going to be anything big. No, Zero's arrival is to set up for the forseeable future. And anything more would ruin the surprise.
Game-Watch: Yeah, it does raise questions, doesn't it?
Kamen Rider Necrom: Again, I have to leave some things to the imagination for the time being.
UGX7: Two great questions! Yeah, the cast list is an interesting one as well. I'm fine with them maybe not adapting everything verbatim, but as long as it's as good as the original 78 film, I'm good.
MattPrice01: Carlin does not care ONE iota about anything! This fanfiction is Exorcist meets Attack of the Clones meets the Truman Show. And there's a hint for free!
CUE THE THEME!
The Fat Controller's engines love their work!
Yes, yes, stop laughing. I'm a wonderful comedian, I know. They don't. They hate it. But they manage to tolerate it far better than some others do, which says a lot when you consider their behavior over the previous five seasons. Gordon likes pulling the express, Thomas likes his branchline, Percy likes taking the mail, and James likes it whenever he has to take something with a reflective surface. For...reasons.
But there is one thing that is common. None of the engines like being a middle engine. It's no fun getting stuck in the middle. Unless it's a threesome, or something, in which case, that's okay!
...Ahem. Forget you heard that. James is rubbing off on me.
...
One morning, Percy was cheerfully collecting coal trucks from the smelter's yard. "Nothing can go wrong!" He said, confidently.
"Oh yeah?" said the universe.
The personifications of 'gone wrong' arrived soon thereafter. Arry and Bert (Or rather, the cousins of the original Arry and Bert who had been renamed as such to avoid awkward questions from the kids about why two characters had been randomly renamed) worked there, and enjoyed playing tricks on steam engines. Please ignore the fact that we had to reuse a shot of them sitting besides James from later on in the story.
Percy didn't want to fall for their tricks. Not after the previous Halloween, where he had gone nuts trying to prove that Henry had become a werewolf after the two of them had planted the suggestion in his mind. But he was too late. Before he could do anything, he was shunted between two sets of trucks. "Ohhhhh bother." He said. He didn't say bother, but that was the only thing to really say in polite society.
"Little green piggy in the middle!" heckled Arry, predicting the arrival of Angry Birds by a decade.
Carlin was pissed. With trucks behind and in front of him, he had to go slowly. And that meant that Carlin didn't get to enjoy happy hour nearly as much as he wanted to.
James was in the yard as Percy steamed in. "Why, it's-" He hesitated, and went through a long list of names that he could concievably insult Percy with. He chose the worst of the lot "-Slow-coach Percy! Aren't I a hoot?!"
"You wouldn't be laughing if I was free of these trucks! Or if you were stuck in the middle."
At which point, as Percy approached the coaling plant, the crew realized that they could no longer pay Alec Baldwin the correct amount of money to say the word 'coal cars' more than once. This lead to some very awkward looping which was obvious to all who listened to it. Just a bit of trivia, there.
As he shunted the trucks one by one onto the tipper's loading ramp. He groaned, and wondered to himself whether or not it was too early in the day to get a large vodka and drown in it. He shook himself. There was no such thing as too early in the day for engines like him!
Percy was not allowed to cross the tipping ramp until it had been switched off fully. It was against the rules. For some reason, the operators were taking their sweet time turning off the ramp, leaving everyone concerned to wait for ages. As soon as the driver and fireman had started over to complain about this, trouble struck. It came in the form of Henry, who backed down onto the trucks and shoved Percy forward.
One wonders if Henry should have gone to Specsavers.
Percy gasped in horror as he was pushed onto the ramp. Worse still, it immediately began to move. "OHHHHHHHH BALLS!" He wailed. "Help! I am not a truck, you idiots! Ohhhhhh GETMEOFFGETMEOFFGETMEOFFGETMEOFF-" At which point, he was hoisted up, tipped over and was brought back down again. A lot of boiler sludge was spilled that day.
Henry and Oliver were busy chatting about how odd it was that Percy and James seemed to be getting the most episodes to them this season, as they watched the little tank engine come back to Earth with a whimper. Or several.
The manager was cross. "YOU HAVE CAUSED CONFUSION AND DELAY! Again! I shall have to report this incident that is totally not your fault to the Fat Controller! For drama's sake!"
...
"HOW IS ANY OF THIS MY FAULT!?" raged Percy.
"Yeah, I'm with him on this one." remarked Thomas. "In fact, I'd say it was more down to Henry than anything-"
"PERCY, Y'HAVE DISAPPOINTED ME! You know it is against t'rules to go on t'tipper's loading ramp! And...really, it's bloody common sense as well!"
"I DIDN'T GO ON THERE FOR FUNSIES!" raged Percy. "IT WAS BECAUSE THOSE DIESELS MADE ME A MIDDLE ENGINE AND-"
"Don't care!" He belched, loudly. "I have had a little too much to drink!" He hiccuped. "You are shunting trucks til I can get to the bottom of this!"
"Pah!" snorted James, thinking no one could hear him. A really stupid decision considering that he was sitting on the turntable in spitting distance of Hatt. "I could take those bastards on with bent buffers and a busted boiler and broken bagpipes, and...something else beginning with B."
"Oh could you!?" snapped Hatt. "You'll be doing Percy's run to the Smelters, in that case!"
"Yes sir." said James, meekly.
...
The next day, James arrived at the Smelters, determined not to be fooled by the two diesels. He failed to notice the large 'KICK ME' sign taped to the back of him by Bert. They rolled up alongside him.
"Allo James!" said Arry, cheerfully. "Come to learn a fing from those who know?"
"Piss off." said James, wearily. "Get my trucks ready and stay out of my way."
"Yeah, boss." chuckled Bert.
James didn't think they were being very sincere. But still, as he backed down, he was certain that he had fooled them and impressed upon them that he was a engine not to be messed with.
Then a load of trucks rammed into his face, destroying that illusion. "LITTLE RED PIGGY IN THE MIDDLE!" chortled Arry. Bert groaned. Twice in two days? His brother was losing touch, to say the least.
"Just like Percy!" He said, deciding to destroy the joke even more so than it had been already.
"I AM NOT LIKE PERCY!" shrieked James. "HE'S GREEN AND A FATTY! Whereas I am red! RED RED RED RED! YOU WASH YOUR MOUTH, MISCREANTS! I AM JAMES. WORSHIP ME!" He then realized that he was all on his own and ranting. As per usual. "AND I-" He said, in an impressive sounding voice "-AM NOT MOVIN' ONE INCH!" And he didn't.
...
"Sir, James isn't moving."
Hatt belched again, on his seventh bottle of scotch that day. It was currently quarter to twelve in the morning. "RIDICOLOSUCH." He declared, slurring his words. "SCHEND FOR PERCHY!"
And they did. Once they worked out what it was their boss had said.
"Hi James!" said Percy as he was coupled up to the front of the train. "You're being more of a drag than usual!"
"PAH!" said James. Percy began to laugh as he dragged James along to all the stops that he needed to make. He wasn't quite sure if there was a moral here, aside from the obvious "Don't be an arse." that James always seemed to need reminding of. At last, they pulled into the docks.
"Right on time!" said the manager. "But what's that big red engine doing in the middle? And why have I forgotten the name of the only red engine on the Island?"
"He's very forgettable." agreed Percy. "Also, he's learning!"
"What?"
"To be a middle engine." He paused. "Trust me, it is funnier in context."
James was so embarrassed that he decided to wheesh steam everywhere and try and block his face. But it was no use. There is only one red engine on the Island, and his name is James. Apparently, some people have forgotten that.
At which point, the camera cut out, so they missed the part where Percy ran back and laid down a massive whoopass upon the two diesels. A pity, really.
...
"Nah. It's not for me."
Edward stared at Gordon, then back at the pristine looking shed, and then back to Gordon again. "Why, may I ask?"
"It's too...wooden."
"Yes Gordon. Because it is made of wood. Most sheds tend to be."
"Yeah, but it's a woody wood, you know? I might get termites all over my stuff! And you might be used to that, but I am most definitely not!"
Edward thought very nice thoughts about kittens and flowers and burning Gordon alive and listening to his screams and so merely said through gritted teeth "But the others are all made out of wood too."
"In which case, clearly we need to go shopping again for something with a bit less wood in it!" Gordon grimaced. "Honestly Edward, I leave you to pick the sheds-" This was a blatant lie, but Gordon was so adept at convincing himself that he was right and all else was wrong that he failed to realize this "-and you come back with this!?"
Edward felt like screaming.
...
14/10/00: File 21462A.
Recovery of the remaining projects were a success.
Transportation will be tricky, but not impossible. No sign of last remaining Gotch vehicle. Suspect that the Smiling Tractor is still guarding his burial place. Would not endanger success of mission. Spotted TARGETS. All seem to be in relative good health. Relationships could be examined for signs of weakness. Number Two and Number Four in particular seem to be reacting harshly to each other.
Itinerary as follows:
-Details regarding the recreation of the Rusticide Plague
-Fat Director's spell book. Just in case.
-All assets of the Misty Island Project.
-Location of Marklin's Secret Weapon (NOTE: Would reccomend not approaching this until time is right. If it is as dangerous as Marklin's says, it would be unwise to unleash it before we're completely ready.)
-Any unfinished Fakes or Diesels that have been left around beneath the main compound.
On unrelated note, as predicted, Iron Circle got to information regarding time portals before us. Not a concern, but may be something to bear in mind.
Will send further update once escaped.
J.D
ADDENDUM BY PARTY UNKNOWN.
With regards to our newcomer...his obsession with lamps and lanterns is beginning to grow unusual. Several of them are included in the latest acquisition. What exactly are you playing at, sir? And for that matter, why The Malignance, for a name? Seems a bit too close to 'You Know Who' for my liking.
But what do I know?
Smoke us a kipper, shall be back soon.
And for those keeping score at home, a lot of the stuff mentioned in that last section was mentioned in Stepney Gets Lost. The secret weapon is deliberately being kept mysterious for the moment.
The Malignance is what I've decided to call the villain. It fits the theme of the previous villain being similiarly named as such. People have asked what the voice is that I have in mind for him. In this case, it's the voice of one Anton Lesser. You might know him as Chief Inspector Bright from Endeavor, or Qyburn from Game of Thrones. Ah, but if you don't, that's fine. He's a good actor, and I think he manages to convey a lot of menace with the way his voice is. Look him up!
And J.D? Again, we'll have more to say on him at the final episode of this season. The reports are a way to sort of bring us up to speed with regards to the time gap of the show, the last time to my memory that the show took a gap in-between seasons and/or movies.