This is probably my favorite of the Percy centric episodes this season. And I'm aware that this is mostly a goofy story, but to be honest, that's kind of what I like about it. Also, the end temporarily of the trapped in Shed-World story.

AaronCottrell97: Agreed, really wish that they'd do more of those!

Reality Rejection Service: Poor Edward is probably going to get thrown around a lot in this chapter. And yeah, I like to give James some redeeming little moments to offset the whole 'being a dick' thing.

Bronze Shield: Catharsis is the term I'd use.

Game-Watch: Hmmm...an interesting statement. Keep that in mind for the foreseeable future.

Radical sandwhiches: Don't count on it happening all that often!

MattPrice01: I'm thinking Ade Edmondsun as Thomas, Nigel Planer as Henry, Rik Mayall as Gordon and Christopher Ryan as Edward. ...Or something like that. XD.

UGX7: One of the funnest things I've written, in all honesty.

CUE THE THEME!

"Sir, you can't take that."

Edward stared at the guard in with a dull bafflement. Emotions had become something of a foreign concept to him at the moment, so he wasn't quite sure how to register just how much he wanted to kill every sentient thing in this weirdly large shop. "Why not?"

"It's a shed."

"Yes?"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...

"..."

"This...is Shed World, right? Your tagline is literally 'We Only Sell Sheds. ONLY. SHEDS'. But I can't buy this one?"

"Yes."

"...Why?"

"Cause."

"...Did Gordon pay you to make my life a living hell?"

"Sir, give me back the shed-"

"YOU'LL HAVE TO CATCH ME FIRST, SUCKER!"

...

"Hello Oliver!"

"I'm still waiting for my episode, James!"

"Keep on waiting, chum!"

"FU-"

The Fat Controller's engines love to be shiny and clean. Because if you saw what's inside a steam engine's boiler at times, you would be obsessed with cleanliness at all costs too. It makes them feel cheerful as they puff across the Island. Please ignore this stock footage of Edward passing Henry on the viaduct, as he is still missing. We're beginning to get concerned.

Percy often has the dirtiest work to do. This is because the Fat Controller regrets his investment in him. And also because he likes giving Percy even more emotional trauma by forcing him to work next to the tipper where he almost died. Thanks Fatty! This,, understandably, has left him with the desire to be clean, just like any other engine. So a washdown a day is important to Percy.

Unfortunately, he is repeatedly tricked into thinking that the sun hasn't come up yet by the other engines, and thus is late to get hosed down by the rather disgruntled workmen who applied solely for this job to hose down hot, beautiful women.

Living the dream, they are.

On this day in particular, the Fat Controller had bad news. "DUE TO THE-"

"Turn it down a bit, sir."

"NO! I'M FED UP!"

"Hi Fed Up." said four very easily amused engines.

"...I will scrap all of you one day. DUE TO A WATER SHORTAGE, there shall only be one washdown a day for engines! ...Don't ask where all the water's going. USEFULNESS BEFORE CLEANLINESS!"

"I swear that was one of Ingsoc's ideals." murmured Thomas. "Big Brother has a top hat apparently!"

"Well that just sucks!" snapped Percy. "What the hell is even causing this?! We live on an Island! We're surrounded by the stuff!"

"It's a mystery, Perce." said Carlin, lying through it his teeth. It wasn't a mystery to him.

...

ELSEWHERE, AT THE DRIVER'S COMMON ROOM.

"How's that Jacuzzi coming on, Charlie!?"

"Looking good, Sid! Got to thank Carlin for getting us all this free water! ...Wonder how he did it?"

...

Carlin shook himself from his half-guilty remembrance and listened to Percy rant. "IT'S NOT FAIR! I get dirty all the time, and I need the washdowns! And Gordon only does it so that he can make sure his superiority complex is abated every night!"

"You said a mouthful!" snarled Gordon, right next to him. In retrospect, mouthing off against the big blue engine would have been better done behind someone like James or Thomas. "I am important! Didn't you see the last episode!? I AM AN EXPRESS ENGINE!"

"I think you're missing the moral of the last episode as well." murmured Thomas.

"You're a pouty puffer, Percy!" mocked James. He was fond of teasing the little green engine on occasion. Plus, it evened out the nice attitude he had had the week prior to this.

"I AM NOT! ...Whatever that means!" snapped Percy, as he chuffed away.

...

Once again, he was back down by the docks to do even more work. Oh, how happy he was. That was sarcasm, by the way, in case you couldn't tell. As he shifted around, shunting the trucks, he decided to try extra hard to stay clean.

In retrospect, he would have done better to just not think it at all. For thinking about that drew the attention of Karma, who proceeded to notch a rather nasty arrow into the bow, just for the little green engine.

But before she could fire, the trucks (Who were being even bigger pricks than usual) jerked forward as he reached the coaling plant. "ON ON ON!" They shrieked. Percy wondered if they'd consider switching their chant up a little bit, considering how boring it was getting by now.

His thought process was interrupted by a not-unusual sensation of coal bucketing down and hitting him repeatedly all over his body. "Oh well, this is just going to be a great day!" He said, in between fits of desperate coughing. "AND NOW I'M FILTHY!"

"Not as filthy as Carlin." muttered the fireman. Carlin gave him a glare, and resolved privately to have a bath later on. He hadn't had one recently because of all the beer he had been drinking. His priorities were good ones.

As Percy carried on throughout the day, the universe apparently was delighting in getting to make him as mucky as possible. The Pack threw soil at him, believing him to be a devil of some sort, a whole barrel of gunpowder went off in his face...it was not his day, to be frank. And as he carried along, the trucks began to sing and mock Percy once more.

"Clickety clack, don't look back, Dirty Percy's on our track!"

As per usual, it was a terrible song that somehow managed to rile Percy up something fierce. "SHADDUP!" He bellowed.

As Percy stormed into Callan Yards, he was in a foul temper. "I AM IN A FOUL TEMPER!" He shouted to all around him. Worse still, he happened to catch sight of Harold, who was sitting right besides him being his usual...Haroldy self.

"FROM NOW ON-" said Percy, painting a massive target on his back, front and all in-between to all listening "-I SHALL ONLY DO WORK WHERE I WON'T GET DIRTY! YOU HEAR ME WORLD?! THIS CATERPILLAR'S STAYING CLEAN!"

Harold was picking up medical supplies as Percy said this. "Hello Percy! Right on, old chap!"

And then he lifted off right next to a huge pile of cinders and ashes. You can guess what happened next.

Once the fire on Percy's face had been put out, and he was able to speak again without occasionally coughing out huge clouds of smog, Percy raged at the helicopter impotently. He wasn't entirely sure that Harold hadn't done that just to spite him. And to be honest, can you blame him at this point? "NOT AGAIN! SHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT! I WANNA WASHDOWN, I WANNA I WANNA I WANNA WANNA WANNA!"

"Calm yourself the f**k down." said Carlin, bluntly. "Usefulness before Cleanliness, as the Big Hatt says. He's always watching, you know."

"Ha ha. I want to useful, AND clean."

"Oh well, there's some trucks of sugar going to the Chocolate Factory that we 'apparently' have now for some unknown and unexplained reason. Who the hell is Mr Jolly anyway? I've never even met him before! And I've met everyone"

"SUGAR IS CLEAN."

"Yes Percy. Yes. Good boy. You get a treat."

And so they set off, Percy humming Pure Imagination somewhat out of tune. He was not to know that earlier on in the day, a truck had spilled oil all over the tracks. He hadn't been properly house trained, and it had been greatly embarrassing to Oliver to learn this. As Percy approached the chocolate factory (Unfortunately located next to a rather large hill) Carlin applied the brakes.

As per usual, it did absolutely f**K all.

"OHHHHHHHHHHH NO."

Percy smashed through the walls of the chocolate factory. Loud explosions could be seen from the outside, as window after window exploded with...apparently flammable chocolate being the cause. People screamed inside and ran for their life, some of them getting encased in chocolate and having to be broken out of their delicious prison in time.

At last, Percy crashed through the other side. "YUCK!" He shouted, once he had spat out most of the glass. "Never been this dirty before! EVER!" He was covered from funnel to firebox in sticky, gooey, chocolate! "WHERE IS THE OWNER OF THIS PLACE!? I want to rant to him about putting buffers into place!"

Carlin was pale. "Um...I think he's kind of...underneath your wheels at the moment."

"Oh...well that's not good."

...

Back at the sheds, as Duck sympathetically pushed Percy onto the turntable, the other engines began to laugh and laugh and laugh.

"You look good enough to eat!" laughed Thomas. "Ha! I am so witty!"

"Pudding Percy!"

"That one's not even a real joke, James."

"Screw you, it is if I say it!"

"Choc Ice On Wheels! Yummy!" Henry smirked.

"DISGRACEFUL! You'd never catch me making a fool of myself going off rails like that!" Gordon enjoyed denial. It was a great way to spend a day.

"AHEM AHEM AHEM."

Guess who it was.

No, it wasn't Superted...why would you even think that? "You've had a real trying day, haven't you?"

"YES SIR!" wailed Percy, who was feeling very sorry for himself. Especially seeing as Carlin was busy licking the chocolate off his side.

"Well, seeing as we've all agreed that Mr Jolly was an asshole and it was an accident, and also because last time you were on a flatbed you popped off at me, I'm proud to say you've shown us what comes of putting usefulness before cleanliness. You shall have your wash-down. And that rule about one a day is over because it was kind o stupid. To hell with the water supply! And a new coat of paint!"

"OH SIR!" Percy beamed.

"AH SHIT!" said the other engines.

At which point, there was a loud explosion from the rough area of Shedworld, and Edward came rushing up, half crazed, with a large metal shed on his back. "I AM FREEEEEEEEEEEE!" He screamed. The other engines screamed too, but for entirely different reasons. "GORDON! I HAVE FOUND YOU A NON-WOOD SHED!"

"Oh get with the times, Edward. Sheds are so last month."

Edward had never looked closer to tears than he had at that moment.

...

16/04/01: File 29182

Regarding the status of the subjects requested last time, we might be in luck.

TARGETS are in a variety of moods. Number Six is growing worse with regards to his head wound. This has concerned Number Seven and, though he may not admit it outright, Number Five. This has therefore taken their attention away from the real problem at stake, which is the growing discontent that is the relationship between Number Two and Number Four.

With regards to the others:

Number Three has not yet chosen a side in the rapidly escalating arguments between the aforementioned Two and Four. Analysis suggests that, at a pinch, he would join Four, but in general, his actions seem to indicate a desire to stay out of the argument. This works to our advantage in many ways.

Of Number Seven, we have been able to ascertain very little. This in and of itself is interesting, though. We have had no shortage of information on the others, in some cases too much, but we're drawing a blank when it comes to him.

Number Eight needs to be eliminated. As do Nine and Ten. Possibly Eleven as well. At maximum, three years, we need to move operations over there.

J.D