So...I've been off on holiday for a bit! And as the connection there was terrible, there's been no Abridged stuff coming out. My apologies. Let's get straight into it with one of my favorite episodes of the season!
AaronCottrell97: Agreed!
Reality Rejection Service: That is so wise.
Bronze Shield: I'm glad I did okay.
Game-Watch: True that! Paperwork is terrible, especially for people who have to DO football!
UGX7: Yeaaaaah. It's...pretty worrying stuff. XD. Well, I'm not going to tell you yet. Gonna be a bit before we meet her.
MattPrice01: I like to imagine that the Norris's were like bowling pins, making the noise when they got knocked over and all. I AM THE OMINOUS ENDING MAN.
Radical Sandwiches: Appreciated!
JD145: I agree with you there. Everything's just completely fun. I wish the show would do more high speed episodes like this, it's really fun to write.
trestonfortson2016: Glad you were entertained and/or disturbed!
Hughie96: All questions that will be answered...in time. Soon. Maybe.
CUE THE THEME!
"So...have you noticed anything different about Edward recently?"
"Define different." Toby looked over the rim of his paper, trying to ignore the latest report of idiocy from the White House, instead looking at Duck, who was busy tossing out various books that had been defaced with the badly written smut that Oliver had found.
"...Well, I mean...grumpier. A little bit meaner. He's becoming a bit off, isn't he?"
The two engines watched as Edward entered the yard angrily, and began to biff the trucks harder than was maybe necessary. Then he swore at a passing seagull.
"You may-" remarked Toby after a pause. "-have a point. He deserves a break."
He was about to get one.
...
All right, all right, the scripts are...okay, we're doing the generic intro thing again? Right, right.
Blah blah, engines on the Island of Sodor at good at different things, blah blah blah, Gordon on the express because he doesn't shut the hell up about it, blah blah blah, Percy takes the mail because that's the only reason we keep him around any more blah blah BLAH, oh, and Edward. Yeah, he's in this show too. You remember him?
Yeah, when he's not shunting trucks, he's very good at being a back engine. And when I say very good, I mean he has little competition, so he's kind of good by default.
"Oi! Mister Narrator! I've had a crummy season all around, can I please get some positive reinforcement?"
What, in this season? NEVER!
"Ohhhhhhhh fudge."
When engines have heavy loads, Edward comes along to give them some relie-OH DEAR GOD! OLIVER! GET YOUR SLASH FICTION OUT OF HERE! THIS IS A SERIOUS EPISODE.
"Wow, this is an unusually meta episode, isn't it?" Edward murmured to James.
"Yeah. Bit weird that. Now...PUSH HARDER!"
"Oh bitch bitch bitch, why don't you try getting down here and shove a few engines up a hill."
Ahem, back to the 'story' as it were. Edward may be really useful, but he's also old, which is the worst sin of all on this Island. Some engines think this makes him unreliable. Then again, these engines are the ones who constantly getting into crashes and repeatedly get sentenced to 'the yard' as a punishment. So take what they say with...well, an entire shaker full of salt, let's be honest.
...
"Edward is a useless old steam pot." said Gordon.
"Good morning to you too, Gordon." muttered Edward, who was sitting right besides him.
"He should be retired! With a bullet to the forehead!"
"Again, right besides you, so...thanks."
"But he doesn't have tyres!" Percy paused, and shook his head. "Sorry, I've been drinking a lot. I'm feeling real stupid today."
"Oh, Percy, you silly boob! Retired! Taken out of service...though often not with a bullet to the head!" Thomas glared at Gordon, who stuck out his tongue in rebellion before continuing with his speech.
"And not a moment too soon!"
Henry and James agreed with this.
"YEAH!"
"Screw Edward!"
"Next time, the old iron'll let you kill yourselves, you ungrateful sons...ah, who cares. I don't. Screw you." Edward puffed away in a real sulk, while Percy began to feel really upset.
...
"OI! Perce! You look like shit! What do you look like someone's pissed in your water tank?"
"Oh Carlin, you're right!"
"Someone HAS pissed in your water tank!? The bastards! I'll nail em!"
"What? N-No, that I'm depressed! It's Edward! The big engines don't think he's useful any more! ...Again!" Percy was aware that by this point, the 'Edward is old and smelly and should die in a ditch somewhere' trope was beginning to get a little overplayed. Still, he had to act his little heart out, primarily so that he could watch as Gordon got his comeuppance rubbed in his face vigorously.
When they arrived at Maron (Which was a bit more curvy than the engines had remembered it, but then again, on this Island that was the least of their worries) Carlin decided to talk to the Fat Controller about it. Said Fat Controller had decided that Gordon had been getting a bit too lippy again, and decided to fix that. "I SHALL ATTEND TO THE MATTER IMMEDIATELY!"
"Calm down, Sean Connery. Don't want you to slur your words even more than they already have been."
The Fat Controller had A PLAN.
Unfortunately, it was impossible to find anyone actually willing to go to jail for arson.
So he went with his second plan. Which was far more complicated.
"EDWARD, HOLD UP!"
"Huh? Oh. Morning sir. ...Can I get my branch-line back yet?"
"Doesn't work like that, Eddie!"
"Don't...Don't call me...okay, whatever. What can I help you with?"
"As you know, the new loop line has been completed!"
Edward frowned, blankly. "Didn't realize we had a new loop line, sir. Or that it was even being built this year. Matter of fact, this is the first time we've even had a conversation regarding anything rail related bar me getting the short end of the stick again."
"Well, we have one! I want you to teach Stepney how to run it!"
Edward tilted his head a little. "Okay, sir...not to critique your...flawless decisions, but I have a few questions. First of all, why me in particular? I mean, Duck actually knows Stepney better than me, and he'll be working there more than me in any case. Secondly, what's Stepney even going to be doing on that loop line? Doesn't he have to head back to the Bluebell at some point? Thirdly, why does Stepney get his own line? Couldn't you just...I don't know, auction that off instead of shoving me back on general truck shunting duty? And fourthly, related to my last point, who is going to look after the trucks?"
"Duck will! Now shut up and let me give you a confidence boost!"
"What?"
"What?"
Both stared at each other.
"Oooooooooookay." Edward puffed off.
When the other engines heard that Duck was taking over for Edward, they were very happy. For some reason. This was the engine whom, last time he had acted as a back engine, had accidentally broken a break van and ruined the Flying Kipper once more.
"Duck is very reliable!" said Henry, who had conveniently forgotten this fact.
"Bah! Makes no difference to me! I don't need a back engine, not no how!"
"Oh really?!" said the entire world. Gordon ignored them.
...
"So, the loop line isn't real?"
"Nope." Stepney called out for a cocktail for Edward, before turning back to the blue engine. "This is actually just a normal station that's been closed down for this whole prank thing. Don't know why he sent us over here?"
"Hmm...well, I mean, we've already shown how hard we work for the cameras...wanna get drunk?"
"I thought that was what we were doing."
...
Duck was wondering why it was that he didn't get to go off and get drunk with Stepney, instead having to lug about a ton of ungrateful demons in wooden form. Especially considering that they were playing their silly tricks on him. "Please don't sing." he murmured under his breath.
And.
Well.
Guess what happened?
"Duck should play with other ducks! Cause he's no good at pulling trucks! QUACK QUACK QUACK!"
"Get someone to write that new material of yours, because this is really getting old." And then Duck spotted Gordon's Hill. "Oh goodness gracious...right now I'll take crashing into a barber shop over this." He huffed and puffed as best as he could. Unfortunately, the trucks had slammed on their brakes the second that they had crossed under the bridge, and Duck made it only halfway up before coming to a stop.
Duck was stuck, with the trucks running amuck, all out of luck. RHYMES.
"Oh no!" said the driver. "We are never going to live this down! And more importantly, this is Gordon's line! ...In hindsight, this seems a bit contrived." He glanced at the fireman, who whistled innocently. "What was it that Fatty said to you before we started off?"
"Oh nothing. Just a...extra paycheck to make sure that this goes a bit slower than usual."
"I hate you."
"Hate you too!"
The guard had already rushed down to the convinient telephone that was there for some reason to warn the signalman. "TOO LATE!" was the response. "You're going to have to flag Gordon down!"
Gordon rounded the bend to see the guard flicking the bird at him, before realizing what the signalman had meant, and waving a red flag enthusiastically. "If I stop on this hill, I will never live it down or get started again!"
But he had no choice. Well he did. But backing up or slowing down wasn't an option for the big engine. He buffered up to Duck, and tried his best to shove Duck up the hill.
Ten minutes later, and he decided to call it a day. He was pooped out.
"No bloody use!" hissed the driver. "We need a back engine! ...Again."
"Feels a bit repetitive, this."
"Ugh. Is Edward there?"
"Of course I am." murmured Edward. "When aren't I? Hi Gordon!" He was a bit excited, truth be told. To be the back engine for two trains, well! It was worth rubbing it in Gordon's smug prat face.
The strange train set off. Even with both engines at the front providing a little bit of power, Edward had to struggle up the hill pretty much on his own. "This...This was really dumb! ...How are you two doing?"
"Fine thanks!"
"EAT A DICK!"
Can you guess which engine said what? ...If you can't, then there's no hope for you.
...
Thomas and James watched in baffled amazement as the cavalcade of confusion puffed into Knapford. Duck, now red with exhaustion, was pushed through the station and onto a siding out of the way. Unfortunately, Gordon had to stop at the platform to let his passengers off...and then he had to interact with them.
"Look!" said a brat. "The back engine brought two trains! HE MUST BE THE STRONGEST AND THE BEST."
Gordon was rendered speechless with embarrassment.
This day cannot get any worse, he thought.
"WELL GORDON."
Oh dear.
"You have said rude things about Edward! And I'm, for once, trying to care about it! Today he has proven himself to be useful, reliable and very helpful! HA! Choke on that! Gimme a BAFTA!"
...
Later, Gordon arrived to apologize to Edward. "Thank you, Edward. You really are a useful engine. I'm sorry."
In Edward's head, the following passed through his mind.
No you're not. You're never sorry. You've never been sorry. I work my arse off for you lot every single day of every single year. I help you up hills, I make sure your trains run on time, i don't ask for much, I really don't. You never say nice things about me, and even your apologies sound like you have to get them out of the way so that you can go back to insulting me at a later date. You really think I don't hear you, don't you? I've been listening all this time. I know what you guys call me...why? Why do you always go back to doing the same old shit again and again? It's gotten old, for me as well. You and I are practically the same age, we've been here the same amount of time, why why why why why why why-
Out loud, he smiled, and said "It's good to be back." And off he puffed again.
...
The Fat Controller smiled to himself. His ingenious plan had worked! All was well!
He walked into the office. And screamed.
"HELLO." said the Railway Board as one. Alcroft and Mitton looked just as terrified as he did. "WE NEED TO HAVE A TALK ABOUT...THE FUTURE."
Hatt gulped.
So...Edward's rant is something that's going to lead that afromentioned scene where I basically analyze why 'OH MY GOD, I AM SO WITTY' when I get to Season 8. Perhaps you have an idea of where this is going. Or perhaps not!
Up next: The Skarloey Railway gets a look in, in three episodes. Also, pretty important stuff, as we set up for the final season of the classic series.
...I'm just as sad as you are.