What this mini-season has taught me is that I could stick Peter Sam next to the Pack and he'd somehow come across as the most sane and logical person there. Today it's Percy's job to be the straight man. For those of you who are getting bored of this, I beg you to just stick through it for this little section. This is just so that I can get this over with, and I can go back to focusing on proper Thomas stuff.
AaronCottrell97: Indeed! I'm glad you liked the cameo!
Reality Rejection Service: He's becoming his father!
Bronze Shield: HA! Just put it in because this is really just a silly bit of idiocy before things GET...SERIOUS BUT STILL SILLY AT THE SAME TIME.
Game-Watch: THE CONCRETE IS GOOD.
MattPrice01: That it would! That it would!
JD145: We are! Hopefully in the next one, seeing as there's little to no room here in this chapter.
UGX7: That's actually an interesting point. I never thought of it that way.
Hughie96: HA! Thanks, mate!
CUE THE...less than impressive theme music.
THE PRESENT.
BEEP BEEP.
Jeremy Clarkson glanced out of the window and looked the bulldozer dead center in the eye. "Now this-" he told the camera "-is probably the sturdiest car...in the world! And therefore, I shall not back off and let this yob in tight trousers threaten me. Besides, he hasn't experienced my POWER-"
There was a loud crunching noise, as the back half of Jeremy's car came apart.
Clarkson immediately began to scoot away at the exact opposite of breakneck speed. Elsewhere, Hammond and May had realized that they needed to fulfill the Top Gear oath of loyalty and fidelity to one's fellow presenter, and had rushed away as fast as they could.
"Why did you do that for?!" snapped Isabella.
"HE MOCKED ME!" bellowed Byron. "He gave me the bird! BESIDES! ...I'm bored!" And with that, he began to chase after Jeremy in one of the strangest chases ever put to film. Adding the Benny Hill theme would actually make it seem more epic than it actually was.
Meanwhile, Max and Monty were heckling someone else entirely.
"OI! YOU! WHITEY!"
"You look ridiculous!"
"Wearing that jumpsuit in this heat!"
"Are you trying to slim down, fatty!? Is that a Slim Suit you're wearing!? HA! It's funny because you're-"
The Stig looked at Max and Monty. Just looked at them. The two trucks screamed and began to weep for their immortal souls. The Stig got back into his car, turned up his CD of Turkish Acoustic Accordian players and drove off in search of the other three dimwits.
"You've got to teach me your ways." said Patrick, admiringly, as the car pulled off.
...
A few minutes later, Richard and James ate their pies and watched as a seething Clarkson made his way over to the small cafe. He sat down, out of breath from having to actually use his legs in something that didn't involve pushing down pedals and collapsed backwards. "You...You...You bellends!"
"Hello, Jeremy!" said James, laconically.
"I...you...car's busted."
"Yes, we noticed! And frankly, after all you've done, I don't think the producers are going to be happy!"
"Oh what can they do? Fire me? They do that and the whole show goes down the...the you know what."
"Well, let's focus on the here and now. How the hell are we going to get to the awards!?" To answer the Hamster's question, a man in a white coat suddenly walked forward, handed Jeremy a piece of paper and walked off again. "Oh, so he...follows us everywhere?"
"Apparently. Ahem." Jeremy read it aloud.
"You idiots. Can you not go five minutes without causing an international incident with someone?"
"They ask too much of you." muttered James.
"Well we've had to get pretty desperate here and make sure that these Pack people don't hinder us anymore than needs be. And to accomplish that, we must hand you over to someone else. Something else. Some say, that if you look at him for long enough, he turns into a sailboat. And that if you were to remove his gloves, you would find webbed flippers instead of hands. All we know is...he's not the Stig, he's the Stig's SUDRIAN COUSIN!"
...
THE PAST.
One Halloween, on a foggy and muggy night, the Fat Controller decided that Percy was too happy and comfortable at the moment, and thus sent him out into the dark to help out his 'friend' Alfie. Truth be told, Percy despised Alfie with the passion of a thousand suns (He was too stupid even for Percy, which says a lot) but he had to grin and bear it. Besides, he'd get a few more pounds out of his contract if that was the case.
Alfie was on a night job, mending the road through Maithwaite Forest. Someone had once argued that Maithwaite hadn't had a forest a few weeks ago, but they had been laughed out of town. Of course Maithwaite had always had a forest! Forests just didn't grow on tress after all! Primarily because that would have been impossible.
Percy had arrived during the fifth workman's tea break. One would argue why the workmen were having tea at eleven o'clock at night, but then one would also argue why the Pack appeared to be even more dysfunctional than the Famous Eight, which was saying something. No one would get anywhere if that was the case.
Anyway, the vehicles and Percy sat around, shooting the breeze, before someone suggested that Kelly tell a Halloween story. Isabella would later regret doing so, but at least she had the happy memory of Kelly's big grin at the prospect of scaring the hell out of everyone.
"I hope it's not too spooky!" said Percy, putting on his best scared voice. To be brutally honest, he was already missing the mindless inanities of James and Gordon. Calling the Pack mindless would be an insult to those born without brains.
"ME TOO!" said Alfie, trying to join in.
"...Yeah, you too." Percy said with little to no emotion in his voice. He glanced at Alfie and hissed. "And why are you trying to rip off my scared face!? ONLY I CAN USE THAT SCARED FACE. It says so in my contract!"
"You get contracts?!" Isabella asked.
"We have got to get better agents." murmured Oliver.
"Rrrrrrubbish!" said Max, who was now doing a strange impersonation of one of the Scottish Twins.
"It's just a story! GOSH! POSER!"
"SSSSSH!" said Jack, failing to use his inside voice.
"Once upon a time-"
"0/10, cliche." said a rather bored Percy.
"...ONCE UPON A TIME. There was an old steam truck."
"Was her name Isabella?" muttered Max.
"He was very cross. A bit miffed. Someone had taken one of his headlamps."
"Why didn't they just get him a new one?"
Kelly blinked. "I'm sorry?"
"Well, I mean, the fact of the matter is that driving on the road with only one headlamp is incredibly dangerous. I think this is less a horror story and more a cautionary tale to people like Miss Jenny who fail to treat you right. I mean, who are the people going to sue if this one-eyed truck kills someone? The truck, or the idiots who refused to fix his headlamp up?"
"Percy, SSSH. I'M TELLING THE STORY MY WAY."
...
ONE STORY LATER.
"-AND THEN, the truck chased the loader into the deepest darkest part of the forest!"
"...A-And then what happened?" asked Isabella. She hadn't been aware that Kelly was going to take his story into a direction that involved cannibals, ritualistic sacrifices, orgies and cannibalistic orgies during ritualistic sacrifices.
"Luckily, the loader found a way out! True, he went mad and called himself Cuckoo McBumbersnazzle, but that's besides the point! But it's said that the one eyed truck is still out there! Looking for his lost headlamp. Maybe he'll try and take one of yours...and it's why he's STANDING RIGHT BEHIND YOU!"
Everyone screamed. Some louder and shriller than others. Not naming any names here, Ned.
"THAT WAS NOT FUNNY!" Isabella screamed at Kelly, who looked just a little bit sheepish. Which considering that Isabella was the only person who cared whether he lived or died, made sense.
"THAT WAS THE BEST STORY EVER." said Jack, who was very easy to impress.
"I hope I never never never never meet the one eyed truck, no no no!" said Alfie.
"Try using protection." said Percy, dryly.
"STUFF AND NONSENSE!" said Monty. He was speaking for both himself and Max, who had curled into a ball and started to whimper. The siren sounding sent the two loaders into even more of a tizzy.
"Break's over! Back to work, lads!" said Kelly, eager to see if there was any quicksand he could fall in.
And now, for the visually impaired. Alfie is small. So is Percy. Alfie is green. So is Percy. Alfie is funny in short doses, but terrible in long ones. So is Percy. They were having a wonderful time, if you weren't actually watching the episode and ignored Percy's incredibly fixed smile.
Max and Monty did not help with this. "IT'S THE ONE EYED TRUCK!"
"SCAREDY SCAREDY! WASSUP, YOU YELLOW COWARDS!?"
"No it's not. You're not the one eyed truck, you're Max and Monty. You're the poor man's Bill and Ben in truck form." said an incredibly tired little green tank engine. "Get new material, mate."
"STOP THAT. PICK ON SOMEONE YOUR OWN SIZE WHO ISN'T ME!"
Max and Monty laughed and ignored Jack. Which, regardless of their attitude, is the first sane thing anyone's done thus far in this show. When they had settled down, the foreman arrived to give them a message. "Take these loads to the quarry, be careful, it's very dark! We could wait until morning, but...well, that would be wasting time! And Miss Jenny doesn't like timewasters...I heard she eats them for breakfast."
...
As they drove into the forest, it got darker and darker. What they were expecting at night/early morning I'm not sure. It seems to me that they were being a tad stupid there...all right, that's unfair. They were being VERY stupid. The woods were full of spooky shapes and shadows! And also Old Bailey and his secret fox wife. ...Don't ask.
At which point, the Wise Old Owl hooted very audibly.
"YOWZA!? WHAT IN THUNDERING HELL WAS THAT!?" raved Max, who had lost his chill a moment ago.
"It's an owl." said Monty, who had also had his chill abandon him. "Calm your tits! Or...what passes for tits for us...wow, there's a thought."
"HRAR!"
"AND THAT?!" shrieked Max.
"I DON'T KNOW!" snapped Monty.
Lady Bailey the Fox began to make her way down the hill. But neither twin knew that. Nor had they stuck around to find out.
They arrived at the dumping site, shoved their soil into the hole and were just psyching themselves up to head back when they heard a very odd sound, warped and reflected over the air. "IT'S-"
A single headlamp shone in the night, as the whistle drew nearer and nearer.
"THE ONE EYED TRUCK! WAIT! I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE! I'VE NOT FOUND MY NIRVANA YET!" wailed Monty.
Both loaders took off like a shot, rushing and racing back along the road and screaming about how the "ONE EYED TRUCK WAS AFTER US!" to anyone who would listen.
"Bloody hell, there's no such thing!" said Kelly, amused.
"YEAH YEAH YEAH! NO. SUCH. THING."
"Oh really, you PLEBS! THEN WHAT IS THAT?!"
"That's Thomas." said a very confused foreman. "For that matter, why the hell did you think the ROAD vehicle was using the RAILS?! And had a whistle instead of a horn!?"
"I WAS VERY...surprised." said Max, lamely.
"THOMAS!" said Percy.
"Oh, this is a palaver. Hey, buddy! Fatty sent me with some more freight cars! ...Ugh, sorry, US terminology is starting to seep through!"
The two loaders immediately turned a magnificent shade of red and stayed silent for the rest of the night. Thankfully. Everyone else had a good laugh, especially Alfie and Percy.
Both engines breathed a sigh of relief when they could get back to their normal bit of chaos.
Until the next episode, that is.
NEXT TIME:
ENTER NORRIS VON STIG, THE SUDRIAN STIG.