Today! TWO WORLDS COLLIDE! THE GREATEST MEETING IN THE HISTORY OF THIS STORY HAPPENS.
AaronCottrell97: Then hopefully you love this chapter!
Reality Rejection Service: Yes, Yes and YES!
Bronze Shield: Eh, most of the Pack episodes settle onto 'fine' for the most part.
Game-Watch: It's fine! Thanks!
MattPrice01: SAME! I miss it so much!
JD145: I do! I like the Unlucky Tug's reviews, and I'm a fan of a lot of Trainz users, especially those who do something different with it! I also really love any people who put their own spins on music from the show, it's really something.
UGX7: Another one in this one as well!
Radical Sandwiches: Eh, that's an accurate summary.
CUE THE...less than impressive theme music.
THE PRESENT.
"How can I help you, sir?"
"Yes, I'd like to order two more of your delicious pies, please. Same as the last, please, they were delicious!"
"I'm...sorry, sir, but we're all out."
"...I beg your pardon! ...The girl behind the counter said that I was the first person to order any pie of any variety today! And I only ordered one!"
"I know, sir. But after you left, one of the men you were with came in and ordered all of our pies to go. He flashed a fair pit of cash around too, so we couldn't really refuse. He did ask if they were hot, and we said yes so he wouldn't punch us in the face. You can lose your job that way. He was...what was his name? ...Oh that's right! It was-"
...
"CLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARKSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNN!"
...
THE PAST.
It was a grey day on the Island of Sodor. Most engines had gathered together in their sheds to catch upon whole seasons of TV programs left to record while they were working. But not so much Percy. He had been drafted, once again, to take Jack and Alfie to Cronk Station.
Cronk, for the record, was another station that had just appeared right the hell out of nowhere. The people justified this by smacking anyone who asked about it across the face and hissed at them to 'not overthink things, ugh, oh my gosh you guys', which was effective. Also, people kept confusing it for that one character frm the Emperor's New Groove. So that was a pain.
Carlin was just as happy as the engine he drove. "What the f**k?!" he raved to all and sundry "This is total horsesh*t! WHY THE F**K AM I BEING DRAGGED INTO THIS?!"
"Apparently you get great ratings." said the fireman.
"Well, I mean, aside from that!"
Jack and the Pack were here to build a new repair shed for the people of Cronk. The last one had been demolished by Kelly when the wind had blown so fiercely. This was more a show of good faith and repentance than anything else. But to make matters even harder for them, the rain of the past two days had completely wiped out the building site. It was now muddy and mucky, and some would argue that they are the same things, but they are wrong! The script says so. Alfie, however, loved it.
"LET'S! GET! MUCKY!" said he.
"Wrong fecking show about building machines!" cried a nervous Miss Jenny. "Now! It's a fecking nightmare out here, especially with the mud, so ye know what that means! Let's make this a catchphrase!"
"Safety first!" said Byron, feeding Miss Jenny's addiction to catchphrases.
"And no horsing about, Max and Monty! Ye horse about and I'll get me boys at the glue factory to start preparing the slaughterhouse!"
"...Can you even make glue out of us-?"
"OH THEY'LL FIND A WAY!" She glanced around, saw Carlin and stormed over, determined to take out her nervous aggression on someone. "AND WHAT THE FECK DO YE THINK WAS THE POINT IN TAKING YER TIME!?"
Big mistake.
"Oh yeah!? Well what the f**k do you think you're doing coming over here and throwing your sh*t at me, you...red headed snot!"
"Oh, OH IS THIS HAPPENING? THANK FECK! YE LOOK LIKE YER MAMMY PUSHED YE OUT IN A DITCH! And ye smell like ye've not have a bath since domesday, ye American sod!"
"Oh f**k the hell off with that! You look the height of fashion sense...if today's fashion was based around the Potato Famine, youuuuu WANK PHEASANT masquerading in bitch form!"
"Ummm, Carlin?"
"SHUT THE HELL UP PERCY!" said the two of them, now nose to nose, staring at each other in complete and utter rage. Percy shut the hell up.
"You know what this means?"
"AYE!"
"WE MUST HAVE A SWEAR OFF!" The two of them stormed off into the distance to have their argument. We'll come back to them later. Let's get on with the plot that no one really cares about at this point.
Jack and Alfie were having a blast, primarily because of all the mud around them. Alfie loved mud. He loved it more than fuel. More than that hot chick wot was on the telly. More than even Jack. He loved mud, and this was the muddiest mud that had ever muddied a place.
In case you couldn't tell, it was really quite muddy. And in case you didn't, Alfie spinning around like a loon screaming "MUD! GLORIOUS MUD!" while practically rubbing into his frames would have tipped you off.
Byron, meanwhile, was doing his job. He cut straight and precisely. All would be well as long as he didn't notice the several large oak trees that towered over him. "Look at that!" He said, admiringly. "A work of art."
"MUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDDD!" screamed Alfie, who was ready to dedicate the rest of his life to worshipping his messy god, if so need-be. No one was watching Byron work. Which strikes to me as going against the whole 'safety first' issue, but hey, what do I know?
...
"WELL YE'RE SO OLD, YE MAKE BRUCE FORSYTH LOOK LIKE A TODDLER!"
"Well you're so big a bitch that you'd make the She Wolf of the SS say "That's going a bit too far!"!"
"Oh, a Nazi joke! How very profound! Yer sense of humor is about as up to date as Jim Davidson's, ye out of date toad sucking dickhead!"
"Funny! I was just about to say the same about your hair, you overblown Jezebel!"
...
And now back to the plot! ...What plot, they ask? Who cares, we answer!
Max and Monty were, of course, up to no good. The threat of being turned into glue...somehow, had not affected them. They raced around through puddles and all the rest, splashing Percy.
"Bust my buffers! CARLIN! THEY'RE BEING MEAN TO ME!"
"F**k off!" came the reply, as Carlin was far too busy coming up with stellar insults to think of anything else.
"What do you think of my wicked, rad, totally not boring trench, Oliver!?" said Byron, proudly. Oliver was trying his best not to let his craving for food brought on the by the latest batch of drugs get to him. And also to not sink into the mud. Therefore, he didn't really care enough to make a response. Byron was being a needy bastard today. He wanted someone, anyone to give him approval! Except for that oak tree.
Because the oak tree could go straight to hell!
Like Nigel.
...Poor Nigel.
His attention was suddenly taken by the sound of two engines revving loudly.
"READY!"
"GO!"
And off shot the two loaders. The other Pack members began to swear up a storm, throwing themselves out of the way as best as they could. Alfie couldn't move, however. He shouted out an ineffectual "SLOW DOWN!" but it was too late.
There was a loud crack. The water pipe shattered. And a geyser of it shot up like a rocket and began to drop down upon the ground. And then Alfie began to sink.
...
"YE'RE LIKE A MOLDY KITKAT LEFT IN THE WRAPPER! Ye sound like ye might be appetizing, but once ye take a bite, ye're a load of old dog shite!"
"Speaking of dog shite, is that Eau to Shittoire you're wearing, or is that just your natural musk?!"
"FECK YE!"
"F**K YOU!"
"FECK YE!"
"F**K YOU!"
...
"HELLLLLP! MUD GOD, WHY WOULD YOU BETRAY OUR LOVE!? WHYYYYYY?"
"I'LL GET YOU OUT!"
"Like hell you will, Jack!" said the foreman. "We can actually afford to lose him! We've got a hell of a lot of money riding on you as the star!" He paused. "No offence, Alfie, but you are just Muck from Bob the Builder." The workmen shut off the water, but there was no way to get Alfie out of there.
Miss Jenny rushed over, still cursing a storm at Carlin. "FECK ME SIDEWAYS WITH A RUSTY NAIL! I go away for TWO minutes and this shite happens! I will have words with ye! BYRON! Get ye bloated arse into gear and remind me why I still keep ye around!"
"I'm coming, you green idiot!" Byron was not blind, and he could see that Alfie was quickly sinking. "Grab my blade!"
One embarrassing performance later, Alfie admitted. "I can't reach it! NO NO NO!"
"Careful Byron! I wouldn't want to have to start caring about ye now!"
Byron inched closer and closer. "Come on, you bastard!" he hissed. "You're showing me up!"
One slightly less embarrassing performance later, Alfie latched onto Byron's blade. "GOT IT! Now hurry up! I don't want to see mud anywhere near for the next week or so!"
"Come on, lad, come on." whispered Kelly.
Byron pulled and struggled, and struggled and pulled, and all the various combinations of the two until at last, Byron pulled Alfie to safety. He was happy to be out of the mud. Percy was just happy he got to go home soon.
"Well done Byron!"
"Well done Byron!"
"Well done Byron!"
"GO FECK YERSELF, BYRON!"
Eh, thought Byron, three out of four ain't bad.
...
That night,
"Ye'll be spending the next three weeks in the shed!" she hissed. "Ye should be ashamed of yerself! If ye hurt someone with ye carelesness, who would suffer for it? Eh? ME! That's who!""
"Yes Miss Jenny." said the two of them, in agreement with her for once.
Then Miss Jenny stormed off towards Carlin. "And ye!"
"Yeah?"
"FECK YE!"
"F**K YOU!"
"F*CK YE!"
"F**K YOU!"
"FECK. YE!"
"F**K. YOU!"
"...Me room. Ten minutes. Bring protection."
"Sure thing."
...
THE PRESENT.
"WHAT DO WE DO?!"
"HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW?!"
This discussion was being carried in a variety of different ways by the various members of the Pack. Unfortunately, no one indeed had an idea on what to do. At least until Alfie suggested-
"Split up!? Are you CRACKERS?!" screamed Isabella, swerving to avoid another shot.
"HE CAN'T TAKE US ALL OUT!"
"He's got a...really shitty point!" growled Oliver, swatting away a blast. They soon came to a crossroads, three different ways to go. Jack, Monty, Patrick and Nelson down one, Alfie, Max and Ned the second, and Isabella, Oliver, Kelly and Byron the third.
At which point, Norris Von Stig pulled a lever.
And from out of the tank, huge plane like wings sprouted, and he took off into the sky. Machine gun turrets were readied, and the hunt began in earnest.
...
Somewhere else, Jeremy Clarkson looked in his wing mirror.
And stared in a strange terror, as an enraged James May drove towards him on a...incredibly slow scooter. He had to obey the code of the road, naturally! But all the while, May was bellowing his name for all to hear.
The chase was on!