HOLY SHIT THIS IS THE SECOND TO LAST ONE YOU GUYS...Ahem. Also this one somehow breaks the time continuum with it's use of location, but that just makes it funnier in my opinion.
AaronCottrell97: You're not wrong there!
Reality Rejection Service: Indeed!
Bronze Shield: Hope it lives up to your expectations!
Game-Watch: Indeed! Who does not love to smash?!
MattPrice01:.The Norris Awards would be a disastrous affair indeed. All those Norrises gathering in one place has been rumored to be the main cause of the apocalypse. XD.
JD145: It's fine. Not great, but it's good. I'm enjoying it! ...Not entirely sure why they felt the need to bring Bulgy back, but hey, it is what it is.
UGX7: He's really good! I enjoy his Star Trek stuff a lot.
Radical sandwiches: :D
Kamen Rider Necom: Indeed!
CUE THE...less than impressive theme music.
It was another...yawn, beautiful day on the...yawn, Island of Sodor. Yadda yadda yadda, sun shining and so forth. Thomas was bringing his friend/chum/co-worker/co-star/waste of space/drain on everything/person, Alfie, to a demolition site.
"AGAIN!?" I hear you cry? Yes. Again.
As they pulled in, Thomas did a double take. He could have sworn he was here only an episode ago. "Hang about...we just...didn't we?"
"HELLO!" said Jack, excitedly. "ISN'T THIS FUN!?"
"We were just here a day ago? How...how is that all the way back up? I could have sworn-" Thomas appeared to be breaking at the sudden realization that time had become royally screwed up the arse. Not least because he briefly thought he was back in the nineteen eighties again. He craved a cigarette for the first time in ages. "I guess everyone likes demolition!? ...Like we did last time? Remember?! ANYONE?!"
"I love demolition! It's when we get to knock buildings down!"
"I KNOW. I WAS HERE. ...And that's supposed to be fun...how?"
"BECAUSE IT IS!"
"You know, I'm beginning to think that spending this year with you lot has severely damaged my ability to reason, so I'm just going to sit here and wait for the world to right itself. ...WE WERE HERE YESTERDAY?! ...Oliver! OH MY GOD, WHERE IS OLIVER!? NED?!"
"WA-HEY!" Alfie shot off the back and reversed towards the building, and the oncoming Max.
"WATCH IT, YOU SMALL FRY! Or I'll pound you!"
"I'M NOT A SMALL FRY! I'M A BIG MAC!"
"I'm not loving it." said Thomas, who had many, many questions. Alfie was sent to work with Ned, which he was pleased with. Ned was the only one more pathetic than either he or Jack. He couldn't make fun of him for being small.
He could, however, swing his bucket right into Alfie's arm. "WATCH IT! YEAH YEAH YEAH!"
"Sorry!" said Ned, cheerfully. "I didn't see you there! You're smaller than you look!"
No one was quite sure if Ned was being deliberately insulting or not. As it was, Alfie felt rather betrayed. It was like being bitten by a well loved pair of slippers. Thomas, meanwhile, roared at Ned about "YOU LITERALLY DESTROYED THIS SITE YESTERDAY!?" before someone came to his assistance with a massive sedative.
...
The lot of them began to work hard. Alfie loaded up the two trucks, as they began to trade back and forth half-baked insults.
"Hurry up, half pint!"
"Not half pint! Small fry! HA! WITTY!"
"...No, no, no. Don't think you know what that word means." said the depressed excavator. The workmen chose this time to have a tea break, because of course they did. Thomas could see that Alfie was being...
Well...a whiny bitch, as he had cynically come to think of it.
"What's wrong?" he asked more out of obligation to get this whole thing over with faster than anything else.
"I don't like being small!"
"...Well tough shit. I'm small. As long as you're useful, it doesn't really matter. But if you're not, Miss Jenny is totally with her rights to kill you. ...Okay, I'm aware that that is incredibly dark even by my standards, so...sorry about that?"
Alfie thought about this for a moment. "That all sounds a bit like shit."
"It does." agreed Thomas.
"BREAK'S OVER! Come on, let's while away a bit more time until our deaths!" said Kelly, cheerfully.
Toby arrived moments later to check on Thomas. "Edward's sent you this lunch. He would have brought it himself, but he has actual work to be doing. Joking, joking. I know you're stuck here until filming ends."
"Pain in the arse."
"You like them really."
"No, shut up."
"You do. You do!"
"Toby!"
Toby laughed, and departed cheerfully. Thomas turned and watched as Alfie helped Oliver demolish a building- "OH COME ON!" he shouted. "WE JUST DID THIS ALREADY!"
Oliver's giant scissor claw grabbed hold of the building, and began to pull at it. The entire section of bricks, without crumpling into individual ones, began to shift. Thomas was skeptical."Huh. I don't think that's how physics work, or whatever, but-"
There was a loud crash as the entire front of the house collapsed onto the ground, and dust rose everywhere. He was about to do it again, when Alfie suddenly shot forward.
"STOP! IN THE NAME OF LOVE! I can hear something!"
"Is it the soul of the audience dying?" asked the cameraman. He hadn't been to film school for THIS! But everyone stopped and listened. Nothing.
"Already checked it out. Nothing's in there! Except a lot of broken dreams." said the foreman.
"The small fry's lost it!"
"I HAVE NOT! I HEARD SOMETHING!"
"Besides, he never even had it in the first place." murmured Thomas under his breath. The foreman glanced in and started.
"RUDDY NORA. There's a mother cat in here! And she's got kittens! ...How the hell did we miss this?! Who searched that area of the building?"
"I did, sir!" said Hawkeye.
No more explanation was needed.
"We must rescue them! And by we, I mean me, because it's my episode this time, yeah yeah yeah!"
"It's not safe in there. If I send my men in-"
"I SHALL DO IT!" Alfie puffed out his chest, or tried to, heroically. "I'm small enough to fit in! And also I'm STUPID enough to do it!" And before anyone could say anything, he darted in through the hole opened up.
As the building began to come apart around him, he held out his scoop. "Here kitty kitty kitty!"
Cats, however, are bastards. They didn't move into the scoop. instead, the mother simply began to groom herself. Much like James, it was cute for the first minute or so, and then everything from thereon was just downhill from there. Alfie growled, and then screeched as the wall began to fall.
"HURRY KITTY KITTY!"
Too late though. Alfie shoved his scoop around them as the wall came tumbling down. He winced in pain, and for a moment he thought he had failed. Then, without any care, the cat miaowed.
"This was a really stupid idea!" called out Thomas.
...
"Well, I mean, I would have just left them ta die, but what the feck do I know about this stuff? Ye did a grand job, and this is a fine family of kittens...look good enough to eat." Miss Jenny looked around at the horrified faces. "I'm joking, I'm joking, feck's sake, get a sense of humor!"
"I couldn't have rescued them if I had been any bigger!"
"No one cares, Alfie." said Thomas, grumpily.
"You may be small, but...er, hold on, let me check my fortune cookie. Uh, let's see...no, that one's racially insensitive. And that one's related to love. And that one just seems to have been written by a crackhead. Ah, here we go! Uh, you may be small, but you've got a big heart! ...Or a big arse, it's hard to tell." Kelly shrugged. "Either way, good job, team."
"Oh, you're really useful, I guess." said an exhausted Thomas. He wanted to go home and have his tea.
Everyone cheered, just so that Alfie would shut up. And he did. He never complained about being small again.
He complained about a shit ton of other stuff, though. And he was ignored every single time!
So a happy ending for all, then.
...
Norris was dazed. Yet as he stood there, he quickly realized that everyone was standing, facing him.
It was tense. It was dramatic. All it was really missing was a tumbleweed with an incredibly thick and annoying American accent rolling across and cutting any tension away like a studio with a troublesome movie.
...Look, I'm still a little bitter, all right?
"ATTACK!" roared Jack, never one for subtly. Or tactics. Or anything smart.
And so they charged. Stig was the first to land a blow, slashing at Oliver's face to force back his greatest foe from the battlefield. It worked, but no sooner had this happened than Kelly roared around, smacking the helmeted figure back. A normal man might have fallen, but some said that this tame racing driver bones were made of pure titanium, and that his pain receptors only worked when watching bad telenovellas. All they knew is, he was called Von Stig, and he did not fall to anyone.
He stood up and charged once more. This time, Nelson swung round, his flatbed exposed. Von Stig tried to put on his brakes, but his feet carried him straight on up and onto the flatbed. He paused, and made to turn, only to get double attacked by twin buckets. Alfie and Jack smacked him back and forth like a ping pong ball, before Nelson revved around and sent Von Stig flying into Isabella, who rammed into him at full speed.
"DON'T! SCRATCH! MY! PAINT!" she screamed, driving on and on towards a wall. Stig realized that one of his knuckledusters was stuck in the gap between the wood and the chassis. With a noise that might have been an annoyed grunt, he detached it from his hand and rolled backwards, letting Isabella hit the wall.
But still he was being pursued. Max and Monty moved as one, revving and rattling around, using their lights to blind and confuse the masked man. This would have worked, had Monty not got the idea that Max was mocking him for the size of his light, before ramming his brother off to the side. Von Stig took this chance to activate a rather unusual feature of his suit.
Camouflage!
It was a pity, therefore, that the beating had malfunctioned slightly. So that instead of blending into the wall, he instead became the color of bark.
Or more specifically, old oak tree bark.
It was even worse luck that Byron happened to see it.
Von Stig was flattened several times over the course of the next few minutes. All the while growing crosser and crosser. Eventually, he decided to solve this problem by using Byron as a battering ram to smack the rest of the Pack backwards towards the street again.
Seconds later, Patrick grinned triumphantly as he encased the fighter in a ton of cement. "This is how it ends for all of us!" he crowed. "This is the time of judgemen-" And that was as far as he got before Stig burst through the prison, and shoved Patrick backwards as well.
He took a wobbly step forward. He could do this. Of course he could. He was Norris Von Stig. He could do anything.
What he had yet to realize was that while the Pack had acted as a distraction, Hammond had had enough time to sneak into the Norristron and, after a moment of struggling with what the controls were, had worked out how to raise the robot up.
Or more specifically, how to use it's hand.
Norris turned just in time to see the hand blot out the sun...and then everything went black as it crashed down full force on him.
Jeremy finally emerged from the sewers, where he had been tinkering with something all this time. "Oh. So my plan isn't needed then? ...What am I going to do with this bomb?"
Everyone stared at the rapidly counting down clock on front of the bomb.
And everyone screamed.