The sun waved at the base camp, it's rays just starting to warm up the soil, and a tepid breeze spread the dust through the dry air. That night, Bravo members could not sleep a wink, feeling the weight of the distance between them and Clay.
Dark circles under their eyes, the Team was now full force in the command center, eager to have some news on their injured teammate.
In the quiet room, the atmosphere could be cut with a knife; Blackburn's stoic expression while talking on his satellite phone was hard to decode, and his weak moans and nods did not give the seals a lot to work on.
"So?" Sonny asked as soon as the commander hung up the device. "What did the doctor say?"
"Clay's a fighter; he is for sure." Blackburn's tone was severe, but it let go a tip of uncertainty.
"We know!" Jason jumped on his toes. "But how is he now?"
"They had to open him up again." The commander had to bit his tongue to maintain a calm tone.
"Open him up again?" Sonny echoed, cold sweat poking on his forehead.
"Hey, he's stable now," Blackburn switched to a warmer tone. "The doctor hope he will be on his feet in a few weeks."
"A few weeks?" Broken-record Sonny sounded. "Didn't they say he could be out of the bed in less than two?"
Blackburn crossed his arms. "That was before something called 'fistis' formed under his surgical incision."
Trent got all tensed in his pose. "Did you mean fistulas?"
The Commander nodded at him, and Trent let out a loud sigh.
"What's that?" Jason stared alternately at Blackburn and Trent, feeling they were not telling them the whole truth.
"That's a pretty serious complication, guys," Trent continued, his expression darkening.
"But he is good now, right?" Ray asked, his apprehensive tone resonating in the silence.
"The doctors cleaned the thing out, but there's still a chance it will form again," Blackburn delivered the message he received word by word.
"Those things are nasty little bugs; never predictable." Trent's words made the soldiers to glare at him in shock.
"But he is strong. And he is a fighter," Trent continued. "I'm sure he will pull through just fine. And with a cool scar to show and a good story to tell."
"Yeah," Brock sighed, petting Cerberus. "Not so sure he will be that open about any combat story; you know, after what we put him through lately."
He looked up to his mates. "I just hope he doesn't shut us out."
"Fair enough," Sonny admitted. "We seriously knocked him down with that Spenser Senior's book thing, uh?"
Jason crossed his arms, sitting on the edge of the table. "We failed him."
The silence in the room was dreadful with all the soldiers looking down at their feet, those words tearing their hearts apart.
"Let's leave that behind," Blackburn encouraged them. "What's important now is that we are all here for him."
"Except we are not actually with him!" Sonny's annoyed tone spoiled the atmosphere even more.
"Has the doctor said anything about his hearing?" Ray asked; before his eyes the image of Clay's lost expression.
"Well, that's another sore subject." Blackburn's tone made the SEALs' concern grow again.
"They had to clean his hearing canals from infected liquid, but other than that, nothing."
"Will he ever hear again?" It still was Ray who had the courage to ask the uncomfortable question.
"The doctor said the safest option is to let his eardrums heal on their own, but they will revalue the option of operating him in a month."
"If they can actually do something, why in the world aren't they doing it right now?" Sonny raised his voice.
Everyone in the room stared at their speechless commander, their muscles tensed, needing to do something for their young mate.
"Every surgery has risks," Trent spoke up, forcing himself to maintain a detached tone. "They make the wrong move, and Clay loses his hearing for good."
No, that's not an option, they all thought, staring at Trent with their lips pursed.
"Plus Clay's body is too weak to be put on the table again safely."
He is too weak. He is weak, and we are not with him. The soldiers exchanged helpless looks, feeling the distance between their hearts and Clay's growing deep.
... ... ...
Clay gradually regained consciousness, finding himself wrapped in warm blankets.
Before he was even able to open his eyes, he clenched the cotton sheet in his fists and caressed the soft mattress.
Is this my home? Am I in my own bed?
Cuddling that feeling, his lungs inflated slowly, welcoming in the clean air. But suddenly, a stinging pain in his chest hit him and left him paralyzed for a couple of endless seconds.
Wheezing, Clay forced his weight on his arms to lift his torso, but that way, he made the burning sensation awaken in them.
Quickly, the pain in his chest expanded to his whole left side, and breathing only made it worse.
He opened his eyes; all was blurry and plunged into semi-darkness. He concentrated and managed to discern some monitors, tubes, and medical stuff all around him.
No, I'm definitely not home.
A soft buzzing in his ears accompanied his memories coming back. The mission; the hostiles; failing Abigail; the desert; the shooting... all came at him once, making breathing even harder.
Then his mind went back to Ray and Trent saving his ass, then again to his whole over-concerned team in the sick bay.
He felt he failed them too.
Wait, where are they? Did they leave me?
I'm alone again...
Clay's eyes filled with tears, but he tried not to let them go. Then the dizziness came, and he had to relax his tensed muscles.
"Ow... my head,"he moaned, taking a hand to his temple, then down to his ear. His fingers touched something soft, probably a small cotton ball.
My hearing... He rested his head on the pillow, staring coldly at the white ceiling as the shock took control of him.
I lost my hearing!
Before he knew, one of the salty drips that now marked his cheeks landed on the corner of his mouth.
Come on Spenser, man up! What would Sonny say seeing you like this? Clay started inhaling, short and regular breaths were all his contused chest let him do.
The air was clean; no dust, no dump, no suffocating heat, and there was a strong and penetrating odor of bleach, mitigated by the scent of lemons. What he could not smell was blood and sweat.
No, it's not quite the typical field hospital smell.
Not only the room was sterile, he was all cleaned up too. Clay's fingers descended on his jaw, rubbing his soft, smooth skin. The confusion grew in him; he hadn't shaved in two months.
Where the hell am I? He searched his bed till he found a call button and pressed it.
A few minutes later a slim brunette appeared at the door, smiling toward him.
She immediately glanced at the monitors, then gently put a hand on Clay's chest and with the other indicated the tag on her uniform.
Clay sharpened his eyes to read -US Army- and -Blake- on it.
On her shoulder he could discern two narrowed stripes. She was a corporal.
Then the woman took Clay's medical file and pointed to the script in the folder.
-Landstuhl Regional Medical Center- it said.
"Germany?" Clay asked under his breath. "How the hell did I get here?"
The nurse's soft lips moved, and he couldn't help but ask himself if her voice sounded kind and warm like her smile was.
-You flew here- she wrote on a block-notes.
"Yeah... but who took me here? Where's my Team?" Clay shut his eyes in a grimace, holding his breath as pain invaded him acutely.
Corporal Blake gently touched him on the shoulder and showed him her note.
-Your unit is still in Africa-
"It's a team. Not just a unit. A Team," Clay sighed. "Why I am here without them?"
-Bad infection, could not be treated there. Had to open you up again-
Clay sighed soundly, for sure he was feeling that. Then his mind shifted to his friends. "Are they okay?"
The nurse's eyebrows slightly lifted, drawing a cute, confused expression on her face.
"My Team, are they okay back there?" Clay insisted, to distract his mind from the pain in his body. "Did something happen to them?"
-Not have this info, sorry- she tried to smile at him. -I'm sure they are fine-
"Yeah,"Clay closed his eyes once again, the ringing in his ears becoming louder.
They have to be, he thought, letting escape a little growl.
-Pain? - She made him read the note; her severe look saying, 'don't you dare lie to me'.
Clay nodded, out of breath.
The nurse took a small amp in a hand and a needle in the other. Then she injected something into the IV, and showed him the labeling. It said, 'morphine', but Clay didn't need to read that to understand.
He immediately felt light while the pain started to dissipate.
-Need us to contact someone at home? - Blake wrote down for him. -They told me your emergency contact is not in the loop-
Clay shook his head. "Who needs to know already does, they were all there..." he whispered, or maybe he just thought it, slowly drifting unconscious.
... ... ...
The night was passing slowly in the Petty Officers' cabin when Sonny woke up at a sudden.
He gasped, inhaling the cool, dry air, and took his arms under his head.
Staring at Clay's empty bunk above him, Sonny had to admit to himself that the last few days were not a nightmare.
Suddenly, Cerberus popped up on the top of him. The dog knew Sonny needed a friend and there he was, insistently demanding to be petted.
You are so smart, the SEAL whispered, smiling.
He would surely have added something like, 'Smarter than you, Cover Girl', if only Clay was there to listen. But he wasn't, and Sonny's smile faded.
"What time should it be in Germany, Bud?" the seal muttered in Cerberus ear, trying to imagine what would Clay be doing at that exact moment.
"It shouldn't be that different from here, am I wrong?" he kept petting the dog, "Yeah, how can you know?"
Sonny abandoned his head on the uncomfortable pillow. Come on, Spenser, keep fighting.
He kept petting Cerberus, at least he had a support. But Clay? What did Clay have?
Don't surrender, brother, you're not alone.
Sonny felt so guilty for not believing in Clay when he should, and now that the kid needed it even more, he could not tell him how much faith he had in his strength.
"He knows that we'd do anything for him, right?" he found himself talking with the dog again.
At some point, the heavy sound of Trent's snorting took Sonny back to the here and now, making him jealous of his soundly sleeping mate. Then he looked to the upper bunk opposite his, finding Brock staring at him, probably asking himself who stole his dog pillow from his bed.
Their eyes met, peering deep trough the darkness in each other's soul. 'I'm here for my brothers' those look said.
... ... ...
The sun slowly peeked its weak rays trough the small openings in the blinds, awaking Clay from his tormented sleep.
He was still loopy when Corporal Blake got in the room and put an open laptop on the mobile table, pointing at it.
"This device will help you understand what is being told you." Her words appeared on the screen.
"Great... thanks," Clay forced his voice out, his throat sore and dry. "Just hope I don't have to use it my all life..." he sighed.
"Oh, your ears will heal, just give them time."
For a moment, his look shifted from the screen to her, finding a kind smile on her face.
"How are you feeling today?" the nurse continued.
"It's all still blurry," Clay admitted, clenching the blankets to hold on reality.
She pointed the thermometer at his forehead. "It's because your temperature is still high." Again her lips disclosed in a warming smile. "Don't worry, we are working on that."
Then Corporal Blake moved the covers down and lifted the gown to check on the surgical incision.
While his white cheeks colored in red, Clay winced as the nurse touched his skin and removed the bandaging on his side to take a look under it. Despite the latex gloves she was wearing, he could feel her hands were cold, and her soft touch alleviated the sensation of heat that was pervading his whole body.
"Good, it's healing pretty well," the nurse spoke in the laptop's microphone after settling the covers back in place. Then she slightly lifted the back of the bed and adjusted the pillow for him.
Clay tried to relax, taking in a deep breath while his chest painfully lifted. "So... when can I go home?"
"I'm afraid you'll have to wait a while for that, soldier." Now her smile was not so convincing.
"I'm that bad, uh?" He kept forcing himself to breathe deeply to prevent lung infections.
He tried to keep the spirit up, but surrendering to the pain was so tempting. Although, the doctor told him that with another infection, he would complete the punch card and win a mug or a teddy bear.
"You know that this device also works with long distance calls?" The nurse said.
"Yeah?" Clay's eyes lightened. He could talk to his friend now; he could see how they were doing without him.
"Yeah, so you can call your squad now."
"It's a Team. My Team..." he whispered.
"I know," reading her words, he could see with the corner of his eye she was softly chuckling. "Don't be so sensitive; I was just messing with you."
"I just... I-" Clay babbled, his head spinning. The walls started to move before his eyes, and the nausea, his unfailing companion, awakened once again.
"I'm sorry, can you lower the back of the bad? I'm- I'm not feeling well." He fought to control the gagging.
"Of course." Nurse Blake did as asked, then softly dried Clay's sweaty forehead. "Maybe that call should wait after all. You better rest."
"Yeah... maybe..." Clay closed his eyes and in the complete silence, he didn't even know if the nurse was still in the room while drifted away.
... ... ...
The hottest hours of the day had the whole Bravo Team reunited in the command center when Clay's call arrived.
The soldiers' lips disclosed in big smiles as Clay's baby face popped up on their screen. He was in a semi-laid down position and a nice room could be seen behind him.
Clay's skin was still ghost-white and the heavy dressing on his forearms were evident from the camera angle, but the mere fact that they could see his blue gems wide open was enough for their eyes to light up.
In the general excitement, Sonny was the first one to speak, "Wow, you look awful, Blondie."
"I hate to say this, but I have to agree with Sonny here," Jason smirked. "Did they give you any food there?"
The soldiers saw Clay's eyes going quickly from left to right, reading the transcription of their words. They held back a sigh, suddenly remembering the damages in his ears while patiently waiting for his reply.
"Thanks, guys; the same goes for you all." Clay's voice was still not high-pitched, and his attempts to hide his pain from his friends wasn't of good use.
Bravo members all looked at each other, chuckling because they were totally covered in dust and dirt, with panda-like faces on.
"Just ignore these junks," Blackburn jumped in the conversation. "How are you feeling, son?"
"Doing better every day, sir." Clay's voice was not convincing at all, but they all decided to believe him. They had to show him a little faith this time.
While the warming chat continued, no one seemed to notice Ray was silently in the back of the group. For sure he was relieved to see his friend safe and sound, like they all were, but before him, Ray still had Clay's lost look, and the thought he was alone again didn't give him peace.
"Did I miss anything interesting?" Clay tried to shift the attention off him, a tip of distress in his voice. "You are not doing anything stupid without me, right?"
They tried to answer at once, causing Clay to look at the screen eyebrows raised.
"Guys, guys, slow down. This thing can't keep up with you, and I already have a growing headache."
The SEALs bit their tongues, they could not stand to cause Clay any more pain.
"We can't do anything stupid if we miss the most stupid of the Team, right?" Sonny made his teammates all laugh.
"You know, it's all just routine now, but nothing is that easy with a man down," Jason smiled to him.
"Yeah, sorry about that." They could feel pain growing in Clay's voice, and sense his desire to be with them.
"Well, you need to come back to us soon, if you want to make up for it," Sonny said in a serious tone. "And you should bring a case of good beer with you." Now he cracked a big smile, like his teammates did.
"I would be right there even now," Clay slightly tilted his head, shrugging, "but they don't even let me pee standing..."
"Well, it shouldn't be such a big problem for you, uh?" Sonny scoffed. "Don't you use to wet the bed every night?"
Clay softly chuckled, adjusting his position in bed, and a grimace of pain drawn on his face while an almost inaudible growl escaped from his mouth.
Seeing him suffering just for that little movement made the SEALs' hearts skip a beat. Clay was supposed to be trained to bear the pain, if he struggled to control it was not a good sign.
"Sorry to interrupt the fun, guys," Blackburn glanced at the monitors behind them, "but some of us still have a job to do."
"Of course, sir," Clay gritted his teeth while a suffering voice came out of his mouth and sweat drops descended on his shaved face
"Hey, don't play with us, Kid, understood?" Sonny said. "The next time we see you, you better be on your feet, okay?"
"You should tell this to my guards here." They saw Clay watching beyond the screen, looking for something or someone.
"And try to not drive the nurses crazy," Trent said, making them all chuckle.
"Yeah, I'll try," Clay smirked, but then his expression went darker.
"Be safe out there." He greeted them right before ending the call.
Bravo Team kept their smiles on till the screen turned black, then they all sighed in unison as that last image of Clay's dark look got impressed on their minds.
... ... ...
As soon as he ended the call, Clay heavily rested his sore body on the mattress, relieving in a big sigh. Now that he was alone again, he could stop gritting his teeth and let out his real feelings.
With a dough mouth and a scratchy throat, he reached out for the water cup on the mobile table.
Of course it had to be empty, Clay thought lifting the light thing.
At that point, if he wanted to drink -and he needed to drink- he had to reach for the pitcher and use both his hands to fill the cup.
Lifting his torso, he felt dizzy and he had to lay back. But he needed that water, so he painfully took a deep breath and tried again. That simple movement was not simple at all, and the water pitcher seemed made of lead, but calling for help was a big no for his ego.
A soft growl accompanied his movements, and finally, he could have the fresh liquid descending down his throat.
Clay stared at the cup; the little water left rippled for his trembling grip, almost hypnotizing him.
How the hell I'm supposed to get back in action and cover for my teammates like this? He wished they could be there with him, that they could understand he would not for any reason in the world abandon them.
He closed his eyes, trying to make himself strong from the fact he just saw his family. But his Team was not there now, and Clay was once again all alone with his mind.
They didn't fool me, something there was not right. He had in mind the image of Ray staying in the distance and not speaking at all.
Was it my fault? Something I did? Was it still for my dad's book?
Clay was so immersed in those thoughts that didn't acknowledged nurse Blake's entrance in the room, so, when she approached him and took his wrist, he winced and opposed, exhausting his last strength.
The Corporal didn't back off; actually, she firmly but gently blocked him. After all, she was a trained soldier too. So, she looked him straight, revealing him her chocolate-brown eyes, which spoke louder than her words.
Breathing heavily, Clay saw her lips moving slow, saying something that must be like, 'calm down' and 'it's okay', he assumed, and gradually relaxed under her soft touch.
His heart still pounding and his chest burning, the young soldier painfully gasped for air, then looked up to the ceiling for a second before turning back to her.
"Sorry if I startled you." The nurse's word appeared on the laptop's screen.
He blinked slowly, "Sorry if I reacted like that."
"SEAL reflexes, right?" her reassuring smile warmed him up.
"Yeah." Clay cracked a small smirk while the nurse quickly measured his temperature.
"What's wrong?" He asked, spotting a very light movement of her head.
"Your fever just won't cool down," she said, putting the latex gloves on and setting up some tools on the mobile table, next to the laptop. "It seems to be even more stubborn than you."
"I don't think it can ever be..." Clay's eyes kept moving from the screen to the nurse and then to the tools she brought up. "What are those things?"
"It's time to change the bandages on your forearms and clean up the burnings," she said, taking out a needle. "It will be painful, I'll give you some morphine."
Clay opened his mouth, trying to act brave in front of the pretty nurse, but he quickly changed his mind; the pain in his whole body was already challenging him.
He felt her hand lifting his right arm to settle it on a pillow, and saw her carefully starting to remove the dressing.
The seal let out a soft moan when she reached the final layer, feeling his skin lifting with the gauze. Now he was glad he accepted the morphine.
Extremely glad.
He didn't recall his arms were in a such bad condition, but then he remembered how the dust covered him from head to toe, and how the adrenaline and the fear covered his pain back then.
Clay couldn't help but stare at his reddened skin, holes and sores in it, while the nurse removed the dead tissues.
Holy morphine, he thought clenching his fists.
He bit the bullet till she finished with the first arm and dressed it again. Then, while she moved to the other side of the bed, he closed his eyes summoning his SERE training to overcome the pain.
The SEAL felt Corporal Blake lift his left arm, ready to start the torture over again, and his mind sought refuge in the memory of his Team.
He imagined Jason's fatherly look and Sonny's voice mocking and babying him.
Then he thought about how softer was Blake's touch confront Trent's.
Maybe he can take some lessons from her, he thought, but that was not the reason why he was glad his friend was not the one to mend him.
He knew that Trent would never stand to cause him so much pain, and Clay would never bear the guilty look on his friend's face while doing so.
He wished Cerberus could be with him to distract him and give him some comfort, and he wished Brock could be there too, because he knew he would give him so much force.
Clay could also feel Ray's supportive look on him, but then, he remembered that during the call his mate said nothing to him.
That made him remember how cold his teammates were to him when they deployed and how wrong it felt.
Doubts grew in Clay. He was falling into the trap of loneliness again, but then Bravo' concerned expressions when they found him in the desert popped out before his eyes. And the genuine smiles they had when he called them were still impressed in his mind.
The conflict between the two different feelings he had in his heart distracted him from the physical pain.
Is it really water under the bridge? He asked himself. Do they really believe in me again?
Clay's head was now spinning, and the chest pain he constantly felt, was not only due to his broken ribs.
"Alright, we're done." Nurse Blake made him read the screen, bringing him back to the present. "Do I need to lower the back of the bad?" She adjusted his pillow.
He slowly nodded; moving his head was not such a great idea, and the taste of bile reached his mouth.
"Why don't you have some rest?" Corporal Blake now moved to lower the blinds, and darkness fell in the room.
"It sounds a really good idea," Clay admitted, his voice coming out broken and his skin hot and sweaty.
Abandoning himself to the dreamworld, the only thing he could think about was his Team, his family, and pray they could be safe out there without him.
... ... ...
Author's Note: Thank you for the support you keep showing me.
So, it appears now that Clay is slowly improving. Poor guy, let's give him a break... or not?
Now, the team; I always feel unsure in writing the team's dynamic.
Here I tried to put the tension of the untold things because, yes, they found a way to talk to Clay again, but not quite a way to actually communicate with him, not for real.
What I liked writing was the Team constantly having each other in their mind. I hope I was able to make you perceive the contrast between how they handle the distance, like Sonny who finds comfort in his teammates' looks, Ray who deliberately puts himself in the corner, and Clay who is actually alone and let doubts grow in him, missing the real presence of his mates, a presence he felt lacking from before he got hurt.