So I didn't explain myself very well last time. Let me remedy that now.
The name of the game this time is that we're gong to be focusing a lot on what has lead Captain Zero to this point in time. Why it is he's doing this. Now obviously, I'm going to be holding a few cards close to my chest. The Malignance isn't going to explained in this season, I can say that right now with complete certainty. But there are a few things that need to be explained. For one, what happened during the gap between Magic Railroad and Season 6. And what the hell Zero's deal is. And why Sailor John, his son, is still so much more older than he is. These are questions that can, hopefully, be explained in this season. It's going to be like Season 5 in that we're going to be covering a lot of ground in that respect.
This includes TUGS. With my take on it stalling due to the fact that it's far more adult and almost abridging itself at several points, this is going to be a cliff notes version told through Zero's eyes, in case I never get around to finishing it. This chapter in particular is about that. Matter of fact, up until episode 13, we'll be dealing with stuff that happened in the past of the series in general. But from there? We're going to get the answers to some questions. Some of which you hadn't even known you had.
Oh, also. Cockleshell Bay was the name of an old TV show. You might know it from the fake credits of Shed 17, where it was indicated that something rather nasty had happened. Shipham/Shipley was a character from that, and I imagined in this story that he eventually married John's mother. So...that's that. And here, we have all thirteen episodes of Tugs referenced in Zero's section. Just the daily life of a really pissed off Scottish businessman.
AaronCottrell97: :D
Reality Rejection Service: Yay indeed!
Bronze Shield: I hope it is!
Game-Watch: IT'S GONNA GET WILD.
MattPrice01: Basically, I'm filling in some plot holes. And I hope you'll gather more about it as we go along. Think of it like Season 5, where hopefully the confusing parts will add up to a more comprehensive whole.
JD145: Quite so.
bigihsuan: SO. IT. DOES.
UGX7: You get a little bit of information here that covers it. You'll be getting more of Cuba in the coming chapters. The Edward drama stresses me out, and I'm trying to stay right out of it.
Radical Sandwiches: True that.
Kamen Rider Necrom: You'll see!
CUE THE THEME!
It was harvest time on the Island of Sodor.
When isn't it, I ask you? It's either pissing winter time or it's the start of summer. Go figure, I guess. The air was full of the smell of fresh fruit, vegetables, and hatred. One of these things is not like the other!
But on the day we speak of, mist and rain attacked the Island with full force. All sensible engines had quickly gotten their jobs over and done with so they could retreat to the safety of their sheds. Which were, in fact, only a marginal improvement over being out there in the rain.
Percy, however, had decided for some reason to take Toby's old line in his delivery of a load of fresh tomatoes. As opposed to Rotten Tomatoes, which was a rather diversive website. Suddenly, he felt a big bump.
No, someone hadn't been dropping bowling balls on his head again, it was the track itself! It appeared to sag slightly in the middle. Percy of course, reacted as you or I would.
"GREAT BLOODY BALLS OF BUSTING BUFFERS! WHAT'S GOING ON!? THE SKY HAS FALLEN, WE ARE ALL DOOMED, OH MYYYYYY."
No one was quite sure whether or not this was just Percy being an idiot or Percy being a seer. Or...a combination of both. The guard shoved a pair of sticks with red knickers attached to them into the ground, while Carlin and the fireman inspected the tracks.
"F**k me! The earth's f**king crumbling! Like the fireman's marriage!"
"Rude." said the fireman.
"WE MUST TELL THE FAT CONTROLLER!"
"Only if you turn your voice down." winced Carlin.
And off they set. Somehow they managed to break the space time continum and arrive back at the station going backwards. Despite not going back across the broken track, but instead going forward. True, they could have just gone back along the line, but that raises the question of why he didn't turn around in the first place and oh dear there goes the ground.
...
ONE NAP LATER.
...
ANYWAY.
As Percy arrived back, he saw someone he knew would give him good, sound advice on what to do.
Then Edward moved to the side a bit, and Percy had to deal with Gordon instead. "I BRING GRAAAAAAAAVE TIDINGS!" wailed the little green caterpillar. "THE TRACKS ON TOBY'S LINE...ARE WOBBLY! WOBBLY LIKE JELLY! Jelly is wobbly, right? ...GRAAAAAVE TIDINGS."
"Huh! Old and wobbly!? JUST LIKE TOBY!" He guffawed loudly, for he was the nine hundredth and ninety ninth person to say that this year alone, and he wanted his complimentary prize. "That's not news! That's facts! NOW! TO THE EXPRESS!" And off he went, nearly going through a wall in the process.
"Gordon never listens to me." whimpered Percy. "And on other news, the sun is bright!"
He rushed into the station. "SIR SIR SIR SIR SIR SIR SIR SIR SIR SIR SIR SIR-"
"Just let him tire himself out." said a weary Sir Topham Hatt. That didn't work, however. "SHADDUP! Thomas, get on your metaphorical bike and head off to get Champion. The Prize Bull. As opposed to the prized bullshitter, who stills happens to be James. Ruddy 'Red Engine Day Off Day' my arse!" He returned back to reality. "Oh yeah, he's on the farm at Toby's line."
"...Can't we just get him from anywhere else?"
"NOPE!"
"But SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIR. The tracks are wobbly and are about to fall apart at any given time!"
"So like Toby then?" The one thousandth man did not get a prize. Unfortunately. "And like Toby, they're steady enough! Off you pop, Thomas! And for the love of God, try and get along with Champion this time. He still hates you for trying to get him back to the farmer that one time!"
"BYE PERCY!" said Thomas, smugly steaming off.
"Will no one listen to me?!" wailed Percy.
"NO!" said the world.
...
Soon, Thomas was at the farm. He was quick to urge the farmer and company to load Champion on as fast as possible. Somewhere, a lone matador (Senore Norris) played his instruments in typical flamboyant style. And then they were off.
"So...no hard feelings Champion?"
"RAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWW!" screamed Champion, who had recently had his heart broken by another bull, and was in poor temper.
"Fair enough." muttered Thomas. The rails were even slippier now that the rain had once again bucketed down. Edward had managed to battle through no problem. Less so with Percy, but still. Thomas, meanwhile, was beginning to wonder if there was any point in even getting the cattle truck to the halfway point.
At which pointed, chocolate began to roll down the mountainside. What's that? It's supposed to be dirt? Well look at it. It looks suspiciously like someone just sliced off a chocolate cake top, sprinkled it around and then called action. I know the weather is bad on Sodor, but even so! The driver applied the brakes, but- and say it with me everyone - it was TOO LATE!
Thomas plunged into the chocolate- I mean...dirt. Into the dirt. Surprisingly he did not pop off the rails onto his side. Nor did the truck. Or even the brake-van. Impressively, it just so happened that he ended up getting stuck under the dirt.
A bit of a let down if you ask me. I was waiting for the little blue asshole to die a painful death. At the very least, someone at least remembered to play the SLIDE WHISTLE OF DOOM, copyright Gullane.
"CINDERS AND ASHES!" cried Thomas, except slightly stronger and also with a mouth full of dirt. "WE'RE STUCK! ...And this is delicious!"
And they were. And it was.
...
Duck whistled goodnight as he headed back off towards the goods yards. He and Edward were planning to hash a few details out with Stepney and Boxhill about things. So he therefore missed the joy of everyone staring glumly at each other while wracking their brains for any new conversation. Percy realized that Thomas wasn't back yet.
"THOMAS IS NOT BACK YET!" said he (See) and began to worry. Galloping Sausage and Rusty Red Scrap Iron ignored this.
"Worry wheels."
After a period of silence, James realized he was supposed to go next. "FUSSY FUNNEL!" He bellowed, having had a loudspeaker take up near permanent residence in his throat at present.
"Turn it down!" growled Donald, who wanted to just go home and rest.
"Look, can we just go and find him!?" asked Percy.
"Sure thing!" said Carlin, who had nothing better to do that night.
"Wait...why didn't you speak up and talk to Fatty?!"
"Oh, that? Me and the lads were down the pub. BUT LET'S NOT ARGUE OVER SPLIT MILK!" And so saying, Carlin started Percy off in search of the feckless tank engine. And the others returned to that awkward and painful silence, before Emily came in and began to write up her blog post for the day.
Percy was nervous, but he pressed on even as the tracks creaked even more so under his weight, and the lamp shone brightly. And then, at last-
"PERCY!"
"Evening, Thomas. How are you doing?"
"Oh, you know...beginning to get real tired of eating dirt, though."
"I'll have you out in a few minutes!"
And it took a lot of strength, puffing and pulling before Thomas was freed from his dirty and delicious prison. Yeah, I'd build it up more, but I think we all know that we're basically just trying to wrap the story up at this point.
"Ohhhhh thank you!"
"Glad to be of help...also, do you think the Fat One will actually listen to me this time?"
"I'd...not get your hopes up."
It was dawn before the track was cleared, and then the two engines hurried back. Percy decided to be a pain in the ass and bellowed to anyone and everyone who would have listened that "THOMAS IS HERE! AND IS ALIVE! THANKS TO ME!"
"Percy saved the day! ...I know! What are the odds?!"
"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOO." said Champion, who had little to contribute to the story. In fact one could take him out of it entirely and lose exactly NOTHING.
"Sorry, Percy, we owe you an apology. We should do a better job of listening to you in futu-Oh look, a cake shop!"
Percy was pleased, nonetheless, that he had been recognized.
At which point Toby arrived "Who is the smartarse making cracks about me being wobbly?!" he raged.
...
"This is a ruddy odd story." said John, as he puffed away on an old cigarette pipe.
"Tell me about it. Talking boats. It's all screwed up. The bloody union was terrible, you know. It used to be that a boat was just a boat. No talk-back, no stress, no different opinions. It took you where you want to go and that was that. ...The five I got were relatively cheap ones. Zorran was fairly decent, could do a good bit of work. It was just a pity that he made Dick Dastardly look like a Shakespearian character. Zebedee-"
"The bouncy fucker?"
"Nah, this one was anything but. Solid. Dependable. All ruined by that stubborn streak of conscience. Zak was stupid. Dumb as a sack of rocks...but crafty, at the same time. A very bad combination. And the two switchers, Zip and Zug, who were...well, assholes. And stupid. See a theme here? ...Me and Cuba had argued over profits. He wanted them all. So did I. I pushed him back, told him on no account to come to the harbor, or else I'd have him dealt with. And so I set about dealing with the next few years worth of contracts. Most of which went belly up on my account."
...
"Yes Duchess. Yes. Yes. Yes I am aware that my boys were pillocks. No, I will not be allowing them any more of the, as ye call them, sweeties. ...LOOK! KNIGHTING CAPTAIN STARR SEEMS A BIT FAR IN THE OTHER DIRECTION! I mean, the journey wasn't that bad, wasnae it? ...What do you mean, Zug said ye had a nice rudder?! ...Look, I've nae idea whether or not yer hull is real or not but...hello? ...HELLO!?"
Zero slammed down his phone. "Bloody hell. Things can only get better."
...
"So, I'm going to ask ye this again. Ye swear to god ye had no idea that it wasnae Ten Cents who took yon barge?"
"Indeed, sir!"
"But Zug-"
"Shut it, Fatface!"
"...Yer a couple of pains in my arse, ye know?" Zero groaned and lay back. "...I don't need extra trouble. Especially if it's not on my orders! ...Ye two better bugger off now, before I really get pissed."
And off they scarpered.
Zero lay back and sighed. It was becoming nigh on impossible to deal with this situation. He had heard...something. Rumors. Of two green eyed monsters that roamed around looking for things to snatch up. And things was a broad term, both to them and to him. It could mean anything. Barges, buoys, tugs...people. It was all a commodity to them.
If it had been anywhere else but here, Zero would have practically been cheering them on. But it was here, so he wasn't.
He dialed Starr's number...and waited.
"Starr. ...We need ta talk things through."
...
"I am going to slowly murder all of ye the next time ye try a shitty stunt like that." Zero''s megaphone practically trembled with unsurpressed rage. "And of people, ye had to deal with that WEST COUNTRY BUMPKIN?!"
"Er, sir-"
"BUT. NOTHING. ZORRAN. ...Billy Shoepack's already sent me the bill, and it is MASSIVE, let me tell ye!"
...
Captain Zero watched as the mass of logs rolled right on down the river. He looked to the Z-Stacks and shrugged. "This is one contract I in nae way want to bother with, lads. ...Let's just call it a night."
...
"What do ye mean 'he has a jinx'?! That's...That's not a real thing!"
"Sorry Cap'n, it's what the boys are saying!"
"...Ugh. Fine. Zak, tell this Boomer bastard ta piss off and never darken these moorings again!"
"Right-ho!"
"...Oh, and Zak?"
"Yes, Cap'n?"
"...Ye've better not be getting ideas in that stack of yers."
"Ideas, me?" Zak was the picture of innocent stupidity. "Don't know what them words even mean."
"Good. Just keep it that way."
...
"...Zorran's in quarantine."
"Aye. He's been a right tosser, let me tell you."
"I...appreciate that, Mr Coast Guard. ...Do me a solid, will ye? Give me a bell when he can get out. And then perhaps prepare a shallow grave somewhere."
"...Hmph. As you wish."
Zero closed the window. "Prick." he whispered to no on in particular.
...
"SIR! SIR! SIR! WE CAN'T GO BACK OUT THERE, SIR! ...Well, I mean, we could always send Zak, but apart from that, NO ONE ELSE SHOULD LEAVE THE PORT. AT ALL. I mean it!"
"Zorran." groaned Zero. "It is four in the bloody morning! Ye're going to drive me into an early grave, ye wee shite!"
"But...But the ghosts-"
"That White Fleet have a LOT to answer for!"
"The what?"
"GO TO SLEEP."
...
"..Ye dealt with him?"
"Er, yes, boss." Zebedee swallowed nervously. "The Coast Guard and the Fire Chief dragged Johnny off to dry dock for a spell. They don't know what they're going to charge him with properly, but they've come up with a few little ideas. It's...all a bit shit, to be honest." He paused, and realized that Zero was being remarkably quiet, all things considered. "Are you all right, sir?"
"...Zorran's nae been suspected in the Alice incident?"
"No. ...No. Think he's regretting even trying it now."
"...Good. ...Good. Ye did well, Zeb. Take the night off. And the next night. I've gotta make a few wee calls."
"Right, sir! Thank you!"
"And Zeb?"
"Yes sir?"
"Not a word to this. To anyone."
"...Clear as crystal, sir."
Zero smiled. Cuba was going to try and cheat him out of his money, was he? Well. Karma was clearly on his side.
...
"Ye...broke a bridge."
"Sir, if I can just-"
"Ye broke...a bridge."
"...SI-"
"Sssshhhhhh. ...Ye hear that?"
"...No sir?"
"That's the sound of yer paychecks getting docked for the next year. Yer bloody lucky that they've swallowed the excuse that it was an accident."
"But it was-"
"SSSSHHHHH...go now. Before I kill ye."
Zak sidled away, but Zero could sense the little cocky look on his face. He just could.
...
"WHAT DO YE MEAN THA DOCK'S BURNT DOWN?!" Zero was apoplectic with rage. "It was THERE a moment ago!? WHAT KIND OF PRAT DOES THAT SHITE?!" He squeezed the bridge of his nose and let out a long, long, looooooooong huff. "Oh. Bluenose? BLUEBALLS MORE LIKE! WHICH IS WHAT HE'LL BE HAVING WHEN I GET HIS SUPERIORS ON THE PHONE!"
Unfortunately, getting his superiors on the phone was a real pain in the arse. Not only had Bluenose already been dismissed (To be replaced by his cousin, Bluenose Esquire, who many argued was just Bluenose stripped of his remaining sanity), but as it had turned out, the office he had needed to be called had been staffed by, you guessed it, Johnny Cuba.
Who didn't work there any more.
Because of Zero.
Karma, as it turns out, was a very fickle woman.
...
"YE STUPID-"
The Z-Stacks looked at each other in horror as Zero went on and on and on, ranting and raving about everything and nothing, his words becoming stranger and more alien to them by the second. It appeared that Zip and Zug's refusal to give the Star Tugs a hand had cost them yet another contract.
Zero had had it up to here.
...
"You know, I'm really beginning to regret hiring ye lot. ...That shithole of a regatta's got my cash flow by the balls, so it has!" Zero glared out at the four quivering tugs...and Zak, who was too stupid to quiver. "Ye best get a move on lads. Before I really lose me cool."
His cool, however, had already been lost. It was just because he had a sore throat that he didn't go bananas on the lot of them.
Zak, however...
Zak was going to be a real problem.
...
Zero sat and stared at the phone. Again, a request for an update from the Fire Chief had told him that apparently Zip and Zug were trapped in dry dock. For what looked to be, at the very least, the next year or so. What was worse was that Zorran appeared to be losing any real hatred for the Star Tugs. Professionally, sure, he was still going to go all out in trying to get the results he wanted. But personally? ...No. Those days were long gone.
Added to that, it was balls to the wall freezing.
...
Yes, life was hard for the 'good' Captain. But he was pretty sure that things would pan out. After all, they often did.
And then the day came when he decided to think about something he had never thought of before in his entire life.
The future.
And it came in the shapes of Zak, Zebedee, Johnny Cuba...and a message from the future.