Now, quick heads up here. This one features the Tugs characters. Now granted, this is probably the last time we'll see them for a bit, and it's more to clear up one or two minor plot elements I had intended to clear up when TUGS Abridged was updated regularly, but it's also to sort of move us on to the next big reveal. Namely...well, you'll see at the end. I fully expect 'WHAT THE FUCK' from the last line, and I will go into more detail next time. But this episode is so thin on stuff anyway, so I've decided to add a nice bit of plot. For those who don't like that, it doesn't intrude on the story before the actual episode, so you can just stop right there and move on if it's not to your liking.
AaronCottrell97: Indeed! I have issues with his narration from about this point onwards, but he's a lot of fun here. His James is still the best take on the character, IMO.
Reality Rejection Service: A rather apt summary of things.
Bronze Shield: Mostly they've just sort of accepted it. The Island's pretty insular...for now.
Game-Watch: And there's more to come on that front!
MattPrice01: I'M GLAD SOMEONE DOES.
JD145: The answers will be revealed...RIGHT NOW.
Radical Sandwiches: So that's one for lemons then. XD.
Australian Guest: Doesn't it just! And the James funnel-rollers bit was just a really funny image to me. Glad you liked it!
Acehoneycomb: Hmm, that's right. What IS the clown? ...Spoilers. Hehehe. AH OF COURSE. GRAPEFRUIT. HOW COULD I HAVE FORGOTTEN.
The Nerdinator: A whole lotta knives!
Guest: You'll see!
CUE THE THEME!
It was a hot day on the Island of Sodor.
I'll let you pick your jaws off the floor.
And on the Narrow Gauge Railway, things were going much the same way that they often went. Namely, with brief flashes of competence buried under a shit-ton of lunacy.
The engines had been forced, once again, to take slate and rock from the quarry to wherever it was needed. Given that at this point, a sweat-box in the Sahara desert was the only place hotter on Earth than the quarry was, they were all aching and utterly miserable as they forced themselves back home every night.
And on the afternoon in question, Skarloey arrived furiously. He was redder than usual, and for once, not due to him drinking. "THE BLOODY TRUCKS HAVE ALL BEEN SHUNTED!" He raved, not caring one jot about his grammar. "AND I AM DONE."
"I thought ye were Skarloey-"
"NOT NOW, DUNCAN!"
"I'm too thirsty to feel useful!" wailed Peter Sam. "And so is Mr Hedgehog! Isn't that right, Mr Hedgehog? ...Mr Hedgehog?!"
"Peter Sam." said Rusty, awkwardly. "I don't know how to tell you this, but Duncan ran over Mr Hedgehog a few days ago."
"WHAT!?"
"Heatstroke, apparently."
"CURSE YOU! WAS DUKE NOT ENOUGH, GOD!? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO TAKE THE BEST HEDGEHOG IN THE WORLD?!"
...
The sun was making people thirsty too. For some reason they didn't go to the large massive areas where water was, instead preferring to queue up in an orderly fashion to get lukewarm tea served to them by a cockney doing a terrible Italian accent.
You know. The British way.
The Refreshment Lady's tearooms were packed. She had moved upwards to where the little engines roamed primarily so that she could get some of that sweet, sweet merch that the savvy owners of stations had been selling.
Later on, a grieving Peter Sam was called up there by the Fat Controller. "The Refreshment Lady needs a new place for another tea room!"
"Is it a slow day running a railway sir, or what?"
"Very slow, Peter Sam. Very slow. Look, just do it and I'll get you a new hedgehog, kay?"
"I shall find her THE BEST TEA ROOM EVER."
"Don't over-hype it." said a weary Hatt.
"I knew it! Ta ducks!" said the Refreshment Lady, who had dropped her Italian accent because she was off duty now. And also looking completely different but hey, continuity errors? Here, on the Island of Sodor? Never! "It'll be a piece of cake, treacle!"
"Danny Dyer's got a more subtle accent than you." murmured Hatt. Peter Sam had a different and more personal issue with it.
"Tea rooms don't live in cakes!"
Everyone around the Island felt a sudden sensation. As if the stupidest thing ever uttered had just been uttered. By the time the next few series's rolled around, that sensation would be a weekly habit.
"It's just an expression you silly lump of school!"
"Lump of-?"
"FOOL!" roared the Refreshment Lady. "YOU IDIOT, DO YOU NOT KNOW THE SLANG OF MY PEOPLE?!"
"...Let's say I do, and pretend that you don't."
"You div!" The Lady turned back. "It means, you twit, that much like Fat Man's mother, it's fun and easy to do!"
"...I mean, you're not wrong, but you really shouldn't say it." said Hatt, blushing.
...
"And this is a nice spot!"
"PS, it's a bloody bridge, mate."
"EXACTLY."
"...Moving on."
PS, who was...well, you figure it out, puffed along the woodland way wildly without worry or wariness. And yes, I am going to be using a lot of alliteration. Get used to it. Or else be prepared to get really sick of it fast. Who am I kidding, it's getting old even here.
As he puffed by the Skarloey Lake, he wondered why the hell he had bothered taking a coach that could probably be put to better use elsewhere instead of just having the Refreshment Lady stand in his cab. He then decided to stop thinking about it, as he saw a nice buttercup.
"What about here?!"
"A old castle causeway. Yes. This is where I shall sell people me baps. The hell's wrong with you?"
"I get the distinct impression that you're not impressed with my skills."
"You would be right, you old shucker."
"Oh, I get what that means. ...Rude."
It was when Peter Sam arrived at the Whispering Waterfall, so nicknamed because any attempts at speaking here would be like trying to whisper in a bell-tower, that the Refreshment Lady decided to confirm a sneaking suspicion that she had had for a while now. "You're pretty much doing this because the others don't want you back at the sheds, right?"
Peter Sam stammered out "N-No! Of course not!"
"Right."
"I'm here because I want to! And not because they're all having a card game and apparently I bring the mood down." Peter Sam began to sniffle. "I MISSSSSSS DUKE!"
"Oh well this is a fine how do you do." growled the Refreshment Lady.
At last, they made it back to freedom, in the form of the station. "Ta very much, ducks." said the Refreshment Lady, who was not impressed in the slightest. "But I dunno what to do, I can't make up me bleeding mind!"
"A bleeding mind sounds unhealthy!" said Peter Sam.
She ignored him. "What a shame I can't build a tea room in each place! Or anywhere else that doesn't involve having to deal with you!"
Peter Sam felt disappointed. He didn't feel really useful. As if he ever did, but it wasn't usually rubbed in his face quite so vigorously.
...
"Oh. Yer back. How nice." Rusty glared at Duncan, as the half-hearted attempt at greetings died a slow painful death. Peter Sam shivered as he entered, there was a cold chill in the air.
At which point, a storm managed to move in quite out of the blue and began to pelt it down. Lightning flashed ("Oh, put it away, Lightning!" cried Skarloey. Lightning told him that he was a prude and then flew off angrily) and thunder cracked (Terrible jokes, which got on everyone's nerves).
"Oh look!" said Skarloey. "Scratch IN SPACE is on. All in favour of changing the channel?"
"AYE." said the other engines, moodily.
"I mean, I get what they were trying to do." said Rusty, ever the defender of the bad movie. "I mean really, when you've faced down a massive elderich abomination, where else can you go but space?"
"It sucked though."
"Oh yes I'm not denying-"
At which point, the power went out.
"Ruddy hell, this storm is a nightmare!"
"Yeah, I'm beginning to think that Peter Sam is a curse."
"DUNCAN!" snapped the three engines.
"I FAILED THE REFRESHMENT LADY!"
"And the 'No One Cares' award goes to." muttered Rheneas.
...
The next day, the Fat Controller arrived with grave tidings. "There's no enough budget for a pool table, I'm sorry guys!"
"DAMN IT!"
"Oh, and ton of storm damage, yeah, I know, what are the odds of that? Peter Sam, go help Rusty clear up the damage, I dont' have anything better for you guys to do. God, twenty six episodes has never felt like such a drag!"
"Yes sir!" And off he hurried.
Any minute now, he'll start.
Any minute.
Hmm.
He's still in shot.
Annnnnnny moment now.
Hmmmmmmmmmmm.
Okay, should I just...I'm going to get out my copy of War and Peace, if that's all right? I get the sense that I'm going to finish and have time to spare before he exits the shot.
Anyway, after three years had passed, Peter Sam arrived to join Rusty in shithole central. The storm had swept a shed onto the line. After three whole minutes convinced that the shed was just Toby on the piss, Mr Hughes the repairman finally put two and two together and had sent for the breakdown train. IN MINI FORM.
"Driver says this shed is useless now! And then he went off on a rant about something or other and then passed out. So you know. Normal day." shrugged Rusty.
"It's not a shed! It's an old railway coach!"
Now, bear in mind the episodes we have had with Peter Sam. Peter 'I'm Going to Sniff Glue Because Maybe If I Do I'll Get to See the Pixies' Sam. Peter 'Ooooh, is that an electrical socket? I think I'll stick my funnel in it' Sam.
So how bad a situation must we be in where HE is the voice of reason?
To their credit, Rusty realized that they had been drinking too much and spent most of the next few minutes trying to desperately offer reassurance to themselves that they were not being infected by the stupid. Peter Sam had an idea in the interim.
...
"So what's this shit?"
"It's a tea room!"
The Fat Controller looked at the crew, and then at Peter Sam. "No it is not. It is a shit coach. It's even shitter than the Old Slow Coach that's buggered off to Babados, and that says a lot. ...Ah, what the hell, episode's almost over. I'll have Jem take a look at it."
Peter Sam was so happy that his eyes spun. Right out of his sockets.
Everyone was very sick.
Jem got to work. In no time at all (Literally three seconds) it was a tea room on wheels and looked like a piece of gaudy trash best left in the seventies. The perfect encapsulation of the Island of Sodor culinary standard.
"OH IT LOOKS...LOVELY." The Refreshment Lady was being paid to say this with a smile on her face by several members of the Railway Board. "I...I told you it would be a...a piece of cake. Yay..."
"HOW MANY CAKES!?" shouted Hatt, before controlling himself. "Lots, I'm sure. Now, Peter Sam! Right, basically, you're pulling the tea shop special from now on because, what we really need right now, is for more engines to do more menial tasks they don't really need to do."
"I'd be honoured to!" said Peter Sam. And now the Refreshment Lady serves everywhere, at the woodland way, the castle causeway and the whispering waterfall. And Peter Sam is a happy engine, primarily because he gets to look to the camera and say "I told you it would be a piece of cake!"
And the crowd laughs.
Unfortunately, shortly after seeing this, Peter Sam saw a squirrel, leaped off the tracks and ended up sending the Refreshment Lady to the hospital.
A happy ending for all!
...
THE PAST.
That night, it was a cold and bitter wind that blew across the sea. Captain Zero stood, for the first time in a long while, at the head of a fleet of small ships, and exhaled. He watched as his breath was whipped away by the wind, and quietly smiled to himself.
"Cap'n!" called Reginald. "Not sure what you're planning, but how are we going to get past the Coast Guard?"
Yes, already the Coast Guard was heading out towards them. Zero would have preferred his messenger, but ah well, his plan would work regardless of whom it was who approached. "A wee bit of the old tact, mate. Now, when I give the word-"
"AHOY!" called the Coast Guard. The boat drew level with Zero's boat, and eyed it critically. "You there! A report, if you please! If you have a reason for being here, I would like to know it. It would be most helpful if you could actually back that up with some sort of documentation as well."
"I've got documentation, sir!" said Zero, not caring a bit about his accent. He leaned over the side of the boat and enjoyed the brief look of dumbstruck shock on the Coast Guard's face. "Now lads!"
The years had not been kind to the Coast Guard. When last he had seen him, Zero could recall the boat being able to outrun almost anyone. And yet now, he seemed sluggish, pained, and as the sailors took control, it was all he could do to feebly shake.
"Pity." said Zero. "Still, yer not really on my radar as far as revenge goes. I'll make this quick."
"You won't bloody get what you-"
The loud crack of the gun was thankfully drowned out by the sea itself. The Coast Guard shuddered, and then fell silent.
"...Is he still operable?"
"Yes."
"...Right. Now if the records are correct, there's a sort of entrance code that I have to handle. So. Once I've taken care of that, ye'll need to take each of the boats to the spots marked on the location. Get it done as fast as ye can, then meet back on the edge of the bay. I'll handle the rest."
"How will you be getting-"
"One step at a time, Reginald! ...Good luck. Don't screw this up!"
...
It was child's play, once he had worked out the system, to get the fleet into the general area of the port. He alone sent the Coast Guard's corpse scurrying through the labyrinth of waterways, until at last, he reached the main place of contact.
He started for a moment, as he recognised one of his more familiar haunts. The Bridge Cafe had clearly been one of the first casualties of the war, as a sign that forlornly read 'CLOSED UNTIL...' lay atop the rubble where once it had stood and pumped out it's intoxicating music.
Nostalgia was quickly shaken aside, however, and replaced with determination. He pulled out a suitcase, inside which contained most of the explosives that had he had originally bought for the job. Looking to the left, and to the right, he quickly slipped forward into the main building.
The door was, to his surprise, open. As he stepped into the house, softly pulling out a large nightstick, he glanced around. The good Captain had clearly suffered during this war, given that most of his walls were covered in a thick layer of grime, and there were several pieces of furniture that had seen better days.
Zero paused, and then listened.
Nothing. No snoring. No breathing. Not even the wireless was on.
For a moment, he panicked. Was this the right house? Could he have missed some piece of news about Starr?
No, he reasoned. It just had to be that they had...
The floorboard creaked. Zero went ramrod still, then quietly, he looked up to the landing. The thought about heading up was dashed as suddenly, whoever it was sped downstairs.
Zero grabbed the gun, but was a second later than he should have been, as he felt the audible slap and agony of a bullet slamming directly into his leg. Screaming, he opened fire, the unfortunate man was struck down instantly.
Forcing himself back out of the house, Zero limped towards the boat. In amongst the agony and rage of everything, he pressed a handkerchief down on the wound and tried furiously to wait for the signal.
As he did so, he thought for a moment about why the hell Starr wasn't in there. One thought came to mind. Evacuation. He had known stories about men in stately homes being forced out of there to live somewhere else so that the war effort could be done in private. What was it now? A hospital? A research lab? He didn't care. He just felt very, very robbed.
But the man...he had clearly been expecting Zero. But why? Now that was an interesting question.
And then a rather nasty thought came to mind. He stood up, limped towards the controls and gripped hold of them. He waited, and waited.
Suddenly, the first explosion went up, as Lucky's Yard burned shining orange for a second. The sound of sirens immediately kicked in, and he watched as the Fire Chief lead the charge, as various ARP boats flooded in the general direction of the explosion. Quickly, Zero began to wire a second suitcase up to the remains of the corpse.
"OI!"
The Fire Chief! Zero lit up a match, put it on the fuse and swung himself over once more. Holding the original suitcase above him, he floated on through as the Fire Chief rounded the bend and was promptly cooked alive by the bomb.
By this point, both city and port were getting bombarded by explosives. As Zero swam for his life, he saw various people, ships and everything in between rushing for their very lives. Many of them rushed for the nearest cruise liner, that being S.S Vienna, while some braver people tried to fight the fire.
At last, he staggered up onto the scorched dock. When the naval tramper Krakatoa had exploded in such fantastic style, it had wiped out a good portion of the dockside. The war clearly hadn't helped matters, it was still looking as bad as ever. Rushing past, Zero could see sparks and flames leaping up all around him. Still though, he was a little far out from where he wanted to be.
And then he saw the little steam engine known as Puffa furiously chugging away. And he had an idea.
...
Elsewhere, though Zero would only learn about this much later, the Star Tugs were panicking. Their part of the dock had been one of the first to fall, and now with the Fire Chief and the Coast Guard out of action, they were the last line of evacuation.
"WHAT DO WE DO!?" screamed a terrified Top Hat.
"Dinnae shout! Yer making things a whole fucking lot worse!" snarled Big Mac, for the first time in what felt like forever feeling rattled. "Hercules, OJ! Now might be a good time!"
"The Vienna!" gasped Ten Cents. The cruise liner was struggling, despite the best efforts of the operators to get it started. "It'll get trapped in the harbour-"
"Not on my watch!" Hercules glanced out at the sea. "Lillie's there, she should be able to act as a light for the ship to follow!"
"But it'sch blackout!" lisped Sunshine.
"Then get over there and deal with her, boyo!" OJ snapped. "Hercules, you know Vienna better than us, you can handle it!"
"Agreed! Grampus!"
A series of bubbles arose from the surface and the submarine surfaced, spitting out water and perhaps just the tiniest bit of fuel. "Yes sir!"
"There are still people trapped here, heading for the Rubbish dump! If you can get there, let them on-board! Take as many as you can, then make for the nearest harbour! Warrior, you better go too! Lord Stinker may be smelly, but he's a barge that can fit people on!"
"RIGHT-HO!" said the dim-witted tug. He shared a quick glance at Top Hat before chugging off after the sub.
"And the rest of us?!" asked Ten Cents.
"Ten Cents, get to Sally's! She may be a seaplane, but she's the best chance of seeing whether or not she can get help! Big Mac, if there are any tugs remaining, order them to meet here and start coordinating evacuations. OJ! The Z-Stacks may be utter bastards, but they deserve to get out of this just as much as we do!"
"And me!?"
"Top Hat, just get the fuck out of our way!" Hercules stormed off towards the cruise liner, and everyone else scattered as well.
...
Minutes later, and Hercules anxiously awaited the sign from Lillie. Vienna was listing rather badly, and no matter how hard he tried, Hercules couldn't find a way to attach a rope of any sort to the liner.
"Come on! Come on!"
He heard a distinctive horn, and saw the shadow of Warrior, pulling a series of barges from the dockside. He couldn't see, but he could hear the sound of people screaming and chanting in unison. "That's right." he murmured as he put his starboard side against the ship. "Keep going."
There were screams here, too. And not just from the ship. Several of the cranes were trapped here, unable to leave. Not for the first time, Hercules wondered if that had been what Big Mickey had felt when he had thrown himself into the water all those years ago. God, had they ever been so young as they had been back then?
Reality slapped him back in the face, as in the distance, he could see Lillie's light flashing on. Clearly, Sunshine had got to her in time.
"All right, Vienna!" he said with a forced sense of cheeriness that he really didn't feel. "Let's start off, shall we? First one to cross the threshold gets all the marbles!" He took a deep breath. He just had to shove her out so far, to get her grounds, and then hopefully-
A sudden explosion rocked the crane directly behind him. With a scream, it fell into the water. No time to think then.
Slowly but surely, Hercules began to guide Vienna out. It was hard work, especially with all the shouting and crying and all the rest of it. He hoped Big Mac would hurry back with another lot of tugs, but right now, his much larger hope was that Vienna didn't accidentally crush him beyond recognition.
They were halfway out when Sally Seaplane passed overhead. Ten Cents must also have gotten out, thought Hercules with a massive amount of relief. "Come on!" He hissed, and then felt a jerk. He looked up and realised in horror that Vienna was going over. Right above him.
"Oh! No you don't!" hissed a voice.
Top Hat had been standing around the harbour looking on in a mixture of horror and confusion, as explosion after explosion rocked his home. Now, rushing forward, he had found an area where a cable could be attached. He did so, quickly tugging forward, any idea of superiority going out of the window.
Together, the two tugs chugged on forward, battling furiously. For a moment, Hercules thought they might, just might, make it.
He was wrong.
They were almost out when Vienna listed in the opposite direction. Top Hat swore violently and tried to push against the side, but to no avail. To both he and Hercules's horror, they were right next to the last part of the docks.
There was no time to react. Top Hat screamed as Vienna crashed into him, and then shrieked even louder and even longer as between dock and boat, he came apart like an egg underneath a frying pan.
The scream echoed even after this bloody scene. But Hercules couldn't even begin to take this in. The dock had managed to somehow stabilise Vienna for the time being, and now under it's own steam, it stormed out of the dock. At the very least, Big Mac would hopefully be able to take care of it.
Hercules's eyes were filled with tears, though whether or not that was because of Top Hat, the situation in general, the sweat, the heat, the water splashing in his face or a combination of it all he didn't know. He gasped out a few words towards the retreating ship.
"You're clear Vienna! God spe-"
In retrospect, he really should have moved clear of the docks himself. The next explosion was right underneath the large skeletal remains of an old crane. With a terrifying creak and an agonising crack, the crane toppled backwards.
Hercules had just enough time to think of one word ('Lillie') before it came down on top of him like a ton of bricks.
The crunch sound was pretty much silent in all the chaos. But if anyone could have heard it, it would have been the loudest sound in the entire harbor.
...
"...How do you know about the parts that you weren't there for, lubber?"
"Oh, I don't. It's just more dramatic that way." Zero coughed. "Now, where was I?"
...
Zero jumped off Puffa and watched as the train valiantly attempted to chug onwards. But as he watched, the bridge he was on collapsed downwards. And this time, there was no lucky break for the poor engine, as he hit the water hard.
Zero grinned. He was here. Back at his old Z-Stacks locale.
And there was just the tug he wanted.
Zak was so drunk, both off whiskey and his own sense of power, that he failed to notice anything was amiss. That and he was very stupid, even now.
OJ arrived, paddling water furiously. "LADS!" He roared. "MOVE IT! THE ENTIRE CITY'S BEEN LIT UP LIKE CARDIFF ON A CHRISTMAS BINGE!"
"Don't have to tell me twice, paddler!" And without another word, Zorran headed off, leaving Zak to quietly snicker.
"Didn't you hear me!?"
"You're full of it, OJ!" Zak sneered. "This is my patch!" Zero began to creep forward. "I own it!" He stood up. "No one can stop me or move me!" He pitched his arm back. "So shift it, you old fu-"
And then Zero lit the fuse, and threw the case.
It bounced off the side of Zak's smokestack and landed square in the middle of the deck. Zak turned around and his eyes were filled with horror. "CAP'N?! You're dead!"
"Ye took the words right out of me mouth, Zak."
In retrospect, Zero should not have been so close to Zak when he said this. Because when Zak did explode, and explode he did, the blast caught him and shot him backwards.
Right into the water.
He sank. Down down down. So stunned was he that he didn't even think to begin struggling until it was too late.
And then everything went very dark.
...
For about three minutes, that is.
Zero was on dry land. Or at least, dryish land. He sat up, and suddenly felt remarkably dry for someone that had just been engulfed in the sea a moment ago. He hesitated, then turned around.
He was on OJ. That much was clear. The paint was the same, the make was the same, everything was the same.
Oh, save for the fact that OJ no longer had a face.
Zero didn't freak out at that.
Nor did he freak out as he turned around and realised that he was caught in the gaze of two pairs of large, green, terrifying eyes, like lighthouse lights turned on him.
But when the voice spoke to him, well...he did in fact, begin to freak out.
"THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS. WE KNOW YOU CAN HEAR US, EARTH MAN."