Wow, so it's been a month and a bit since our last time doing this, eh?

Okay, so let's briefly discuss the whys and hows of my absence. I am currently writing up essays for my university semester until January, so I'm focusing on that a lot. Coupled with that is my own sense of having to cope with the repetitive nature of the stories we have now, and adapting to it has taken some time, more so than I admit. I will fully admit that this episode is shorter than usual, and that's because I wanted to get it out to you in a workable state so that I can start afresh with the new one. My apologies.

Now, reviews!

Reality Show Rejection: Oh yeah, granted. James isn't the worst person in the world, but he's also really, really not the best. He's capable of great moments of kindness, but he's narcissistic as all hell, especially for the reasons you mentioned there.

Game-Watch: I think even he forgets that some times.

AaronCottrell97: Hmm...it's interesting, isn't it?

MattPrice01: I hope you're feeling better now buddy!

Radical Sandwiches: Indeed. When will he learn!?

UGX7: Thank you for both, I'm glad you like them!

jsw: Well now you do!

Garchomp65: That's fair and I respect your opinion.

Streakofscarlet: Yeah that's about the size of it. And yeah, that head injury also didn't really help. Like. At all.

Aussie Mantis: NOT JAMES INDEED.

CUE THE THEME!

"So here's what I don't get, right?"

The six engines glanced over to James with something approaching annoyance. He had been mostly quiet for the proceeding ten minutes, stewing over whatever it was his interview had churned up, but clearly their luck had run out.

"We beat the Other Railway, right? So why don't we just…I don't know, go after them and beat the shit out of our enemy?"

"Well, first of all, going after them would imply we knew where they were. True, we've got a significant number on the Island in general, but the leaders and such aren't located here right now."

"Semantics, Edward!"

"I've eaten those, they're delicious!"

Everyone looked at Percy for a moment, then moved on with their lives.

"And secondly, and more importantly….we can't prove anything, so attacking them will get us in trouble like Duck did."

"How do you figure that, oh fearless leader?" Henry was also in a bad mood when it came to Edward.

"Well Henry, if you must know, the entire reason we weren't held liable for what happened during the Battle of Sodor was because our lawyers were able to argue very convincingly that they attacked first, which we did, and thus it was all legal self-defence." He took a deep breath. "So if we did something now like…well, James going nuts like he did on Marklin, or Gordon smashing through as many engines as he can, aside from being really, really cool, it'd get us locked away, and they'd be free to carry on with whatever."

"Ah. How convenient."

"Gordon-"

"Edward!" Gordon mimicked Edward's tone with a slightly snooty tone to it.

…..

It was a gloriously miserable summer-ish day on the Island of Sodor. On this day, several of the engines were in a personal hell of their own making.

"Bloody hell, never thought I'd be back to doing this stuff again!" wheezed Toby, as he took a long line of milk along the shortcuts. "And this time I can't even blame it on Daisy being a lazy-"

"WHEEEEEEEEEE!" Well, most of them were in personal hells. James, meanwhile, was having the time of his life, yes I swear, pulling a large express train. Gordon would later found out and go on long rants about how it was clear that engines were coming in and taking his job. He had clearly forgotten that he and James had lived together for twenty years.

Not that he was having a good day of it either. He and Edward were stuck together at Wellsworth while waiting for the signal to get fixed.

And Thomas was taking Annie and Clarabel to work as he puffed along without a care in the world. They were on their way to the latest new station being built, as part of the new owner's initiative, Kellsthorpe. He had to take the workmen there and bring them home, though given the speed he was going at, it was hard to imagine him being good at it.

"I can't wait for the grand opening, so I can move on with my life! And do something more important! …Like star in another commercial!"

…..

"Have YOU ever wanted to wear my winking face-" Thomas winked very exaggeratedly "-on your body? Well look no further than the Thomas and Friends brand new hoodie? Ignore all the 'cool' kids who say that you're a child when wearing it, because they're going to suffer from crippling depression later on in life as they try desperately to recapture their glory days! The Thomas and Friends hoodie! People have said about it "Man, I've never had such a hood, winking at me before!" and "It's a hoodwink!" I…I'm not sure what they mean about that, but- NO I DON'T WANT TO DO ANOTHER TAKE! Thomas and Friends hoodie! When you want to have the hood pulled over your eyes! WHAT DO YOU MEAN CUT?!"

…..

"I think it went rather well!" Thomas protested, as his driver and fireman scoffed, loudly. "And anyway, there's going to be flags and a big band at this concert. Maybe I can lure them to do another radio song again! I haven't hit the top ten yet, but this might be my year!"

And so, filled with such ideas in his head, he carried along cheerily until he came to a certain area of the track.

Kellsthorpe had always been a part of the railway, one of the parts that were rather unimportant in the grand scheme of things, usually just folded into one of the larger areas as opposed to being given it's proper title. But it was infamous among the engines for a certain piece of track, functionally harmless to anyone under the speed limit and left ungreased.

Which was why it may be of interest for you to learn that a not too significant amount of butter was being prepared at this very moment for that certain piece of track by the filmcrew.

Just keep that in mind.

"Danger, a head?" Thomas muttered to himself. "Can't see any decapitations around here-OH HECK." He was worried about the bend ahead, but his good friends Annie and Clarabel were there to help.

I say help. I mean do basic shit.

"SLOW DOWN!" they shrieked, helpfully. And yes, that was quite sarcastic, why do you ask? "PUFF WITH CARE!"

So he did those things and somehow survived. "Thanks!" He said, deeply mocking. "Could not have done this without you."

He was about to be tested on that.

"Today-" said the Fat Controller "-Annie and Clarabel shall be going for their refit!"

"Ah HA!" Thomas did his best Alan Patridge impression and grinned. "Well, it appears that the cats are away, and the mice shall be going on the boozer!"

"Hold up, Thomas. You're taking them to the workshop/spa. And then you're going to be doing a looooot of fetching and carrying. So no. No boozer for you until this mess of a station is done. Speaking of which, how's it going Jenny?"

"Ah TAKE A HIKE YE OVERGROWN PIECE OF SHITE!"

"All right then. You heard her!"

"But…but how will I carry all of these things?!" cried Thomas, who was desperate to duck out of this responsibility by hook or by crook, or by both.

"Do what the other engines do and use normal coaches like a non-freak!"

"Right." Thomas puffed away angrily.

….

He said goodbye to the two of them and walked glumly off, Charlie Brown theme playing in his head. "HOW WILL I MANAGE THAT ONE BEND?!" He cried, with a hint of sarcasm once more in his tone.

Their frowns turned upside down the second he rounded the bend, and they promptly began to party as much as coaches could. Which was not a lot.

The next day, Thomas woke up, drenched Edward and Percy with steam and headed off to the coach yard. "Well, things can't get worse!" He looked around, found two coaches and smacked straight into them, bumping into James.

"Watch out, arsehole!"

"Watch out yourself!" cried Thomas. He would never have biffed into Annie and Clarabel, if only because they'd never let him hear the end of it. Well, Annie at least. Clarabel might be up for it.

He started off a few minutes later. He missed two workmen exiting, looking around and wondering where the hell the coaches 'Old Lunatic' and 'The Coach in Name Only' had vanished off to. In retrospect, the day was off to an awful start as it was.

"Difficult bend, difficult bend, bifficult dend, defficult bind!" Thomas was getting more and more muddled up as he wondered vaguely why such emphasis had been placed on the area in the script. Surely it wasn't that bad.

And yet the bend approached.

He accelerated.

There was a sound like a huge vat of butter being dropped onto the tracks, and then a squishy noise as the butter took near-immediate effect. This was because, in fact, a huge vat of butter had been dropped onto the track. You're surprised, I can tell.

Thomas suddenly found himself going at a speed he had never thought he could go. "SOON BE OVER!" He cheered happily.

And it was.

Thomas the Tank Engine manged the not un-impressive task of somehow managing to skip the points despite them being set in the right direction, sliding straight into a random siding that had been planted right next to a cliff and then slamming head first into the large pile of bushes, brambles and various other unpleasant green things at the end of it.

The mind boggled.

"Okay." Thomas remarked, at last. "So maybe I do have a slight problem."

….

Luckily, no one (Apart from Thomas, his driver, his fireman and the two coaches) was hurt. Thomas felt sadder than ever. He felt a real tool.

Harvey arrived to help clear up the mess and deliver the moral- I mean, cheer Thomas up. Thomas looked sad and Harvey did not like Thomas looking sad. That's what it says in the script.

"I can't go round the difficult bend! I'M USELESS WITHOUT- Oh screw you I'm not saying that line! No, dub it over in post! No one will notice! For whatever reason I don't move my mouth in these things, so you can just say that ruddy thing for me-"

"Yer really useful, Harry. I mean, Thomas. And ye a jolly good friend, whatever that has to do with the situation! And besides, there are worse people you can be."

….

Atop Gordon's Hill, a worse person to be was pulling trucks up the hill. Derek, having returned relatively recently because the local brewery had shut down, was taking a line of flatbeds to Peel Godred as the back engine, as Edward was pulling the train up the hill.

Or so he said. In truth, he was about as shit-faced as a man with a cowpat for a hat. "LOVELY DAY FOR IT!" He shouted to a bird. "Ten *HIC* green bottles, standing on the wall, seven green *HIC* bottles, standing on the wall, and if one green bottle, should accidentally fall….I'll drink all the bottles, standing on *HIC* the wall!"

At which point, Derek gave up, and came off the rails. Edward rolled his eyes.

So enarmored was Derek with the idea of drink that he failed to notice the coupling snap, and the trucks roll back down the line.

And let's be fair, that's probably for the best. No one wanted to imagine Derek trying to chase after them, it would be too pathetic for words.

Edward was too knackered to care by this point.

…..

And speaking of too pathetic for words, Charlie Brown theme playing in his head once more, Thomas puffed back to Tidmouth. He wanted his coaches back so he could blame his terribleness on them.

"HEY!"

But suddenly, he stopped, and watched in surprise as the line of trucks rattled down the rails.

"They're heading for the new station! I must warn the stationmaster, so this can become his problem and I can go home with a clear conscience!" So he raced after them.

I said HE RACED AFTER THEM.

RACED. Not lightly jogged! GO FASTER THOMAS YOU SOD!

"GO TO HELL!"

I'm already there! It's called Season 9 throuhg 16 mate, read the author's notes!

But where was I?

The trucks rattled around the bends, and Thomas dashed at anti-lightning speed, shooting past them. But he was nearly at the difficult bend. He slammed on the brakes. "Slow down, and puff with care!" He said, channeling Edward's advice regarding how to smoke a pipe.

Well, I mean, do I even need to tell you he made it?

What was odd, however, was that the trucks also made the bend. It was almost as if Thomas's failure to make it round there was due entirely to his own incompetence. But that can't be true, can it?

The answer is yes. Yes it can.

Thomas puffed and raced into the station, just in time. "THERE BE RUNAWAY TRUCKS A COMING DOWN THE PASS! Preferrably with stock footage a plenty!"

Stock Footage Norris, the local signalman, switched the points at the last second, and the trucks rattled on down into a siding. Oh what fun, and jollity. Can I go home yet?! I haven't had me tea in ages!

The station was untouched, anyway. Though on the Island of Sodor, how likely that was to last was iffy.

…..

"Oh thank god you're back!"

Thomas, Annie and Clarabel had been reunited the next day, and were now puffing happily along to the opening of the station. He passed the bend without any issue, it wasn't difficult anymore.

That's that character development taken care of!

It was a great success, and the station looked great. Both of these are white lies, no one enjoyed that day, least of all the narrator, who was stuck with doing this lousy bloody script. WHERE'S MY AGENT?!

"Congrats, Thomas, or whatever. You are a very brave and useless…sorry, wrong script, USEFUL engine. Well done, I guess." Hatt was not a very good actor, and it was an off day. Only three sponge cakes before arriving instead of his standard fifteen.

"Thank you sir!" Thomas was so proud, it made his firebox glow.

Later, the great Kellthorpe Fire would be attributed to Thomas's pride. Much like many mistakes of this time period, I wager.

…..

"Hello Toby."

"….Hello Arthur."

"….Why do you think you're here?"

"Because you need the completed set. Eight of us in the main, eight of us have to go to therapy. Also, I've got some issues. Not going to lie."

"Fair enough!" Arthur nodded thoughtfully. "Tell me about what you did before you got dragged into this mess of a relationship!"

"Oh you know...I took trucks and coaches all over the tramway...for some reason we never got to interact much with the other engines, Henrietta and I. Managed to keep a respectable line of work for myself for near sixty years, until...well, I'm sure you'll have information about how the world started changing in the last few years of my line."

"Yes, indeed. How is Henrietta?"

"She's fine, thank you. Talking a little less nowadays."

"You know we actually checked with the rest of the Island, and half of the people on it think you're just talking to a block of wood that someone's given wheels as a cruel joke."

"Ah, but is that not what we all are, in the end?"

"Speak for yourself, mate! I was in Harry Potter!"

Toby raised an eyebrow. "Huh. Didn't see you in it."

"It was the Turkish version! I was quite the catch for the filmmakers! ...But enough about me! Let's discuss you, now what would you say is your main role in the group?"

"Oh, moral support. And being the token non-steamer, which, you know, is great." Toby sighed. "No one gets what I'm going through, but I don't do a James and complain until everyone's sick of it, do I? Oh no!" He paused. "Wow, I am...really venting to you, aren't I? You're good at this!"

"Ha! Well, thank you! I did a lot of research for the role. Good Will Hunting, Ordinary People...Silence of the Lambs."

"Excuse me, what?"

"Anyway! So...you're happy with your role?"

"Happy is a bit of a strong word. I'm content. Now, if I could get a shed, that would be a step forward." He paused. "I mean...now that you mention it, that is one thing that does kinda...bug me. Even back in the old days, I never really got to stay at the sheds that much. Mostly for group shots, and occasionally when I had the time to stop by. Normally it was just one of the worksheds, or somewhere like that. And occasionally an old hut."

"And that bugs you?"

"More than I thought apparently. I'm also very aware that I'm...kind of a token guy. I feel like a bit of an outsider. Plenty of steam engines, plenty of diesel and then there's me. Smack bang in the middle. It can get quite lonely at times."

"Splendid! You're already talking more and more about your issues! I can scrap the testimonials I had planned!"

"Oh?"

"Yeah they weren't really revealing."

"Oh." Toby didn't quite buy this, but he accepted it.

"Send the next one in!" Arthur didn't need to glance down to his notes, and he watched as Emily approached with interest.