Christian takes me out the next day. We find ourselves in the centre of Seattle, in secluded restaurant. He's quiet today, less daring and confident then he was the day previous, it disheartened me slightly. I really thought we were getting somewhere last night. He kept his promise, never saying a word about my scars, just admiring me, whilst washing me completely.
The restaurant is small, too small, but I seem to think Christian likes it this way. It has intimate decor, with shades of red everywhere in my eyeline, like the red room. Too much like the red room. There's not many people around us, only a couple in the other side of the room, not close enough to hear what we are saying.
Christian leans closer, brushing the brown strands of hair away from my face, staring deeply into my eyes. I could sit there and stare forever.
"Anastasia, a penny for your thoughts?" he inquires.
I grin,"I Don't need the money."
"well, Miss Steele tell me what's on your mind."
"A penny for your thoughts first, Mr Grey."
A smile creeps onto his face. "Anna, I don't need the money."
I giggle loudly, snorting a little. He glances his eyes over, eyes wild, Oh Mr Grey…
Christian purses his lips and then opens them again letting the words flow, "you look beautiful, Anna, so radiant and free." His hand brushes across my lips, skimming them gently, "Oh, how much I'd love to taste these."
"then..then… do Mr Grey."
"Not yet Anastasia, a penny for your thoughts."
This man just makes me smile. It breaks out and stays there.
"I… I just wanted to know… about your lifestyle."
"oh Anna," those thumbs find their way to my face again, "you could of just asked. There's no need to walk on eggshells."
"My lifestyle is purely there to bring us both pleasure. You do what I tell you and I will reward you. If you defy me you will be punished, like the other day." oh god..
"But… but I don't want you be punished.."
"Yes, I know that but hard limits will be set. You will not do anything that you're not comfortable with. I can promise that."
"I.. i don't know Christian.. I'm.. I'm a virgin. I've never.. done … things.. before." I choke out the words, not even knowing how to explain it.
"And why's that? Look at yourself. You are gorgeous." blush creeps up my face.
"I'm really not. You saw me… last night you can't love that."
Christian stiffen, retracting is hand from my face. "Anna… I.. don't love.." this is the first time I hear him stumble for words. The first time where he seems genuinely panicked.
My heart stops, my breath hitches and I feel overwhelmed. What does he mean? Frantically, I push my chair backwards, trying to get out this place. "How can you not love? Everybody loves." The words come out pleaing.
"I just don't Anna. I'm sorry. I'm not your Mr Darcy."
"You want to do .. do all those… things to me. Yet you don't want to love me. I'm not going to have sex with someone who doesn't love me."
Tears flow yet again, the daily occurrence is becoming to feel normal.
"No.. wait… I can't love okay… I just don't have the emotional capacity to do so, please let me show you … how good it can be."
"You are Mr Darcy… you're mean, and demanding and sinister and plain old horrible. You fit him in every way." I explode.
"You just want me for my body, Christian, you don't want me."
With that I walk out the words, leaving him behind me. I stroll into the fresh breeze of Seattle, the smell of petrol and coffee fills my lungs, i'm free. This is my first time in twenty two years that I have walked down the streets of Seattle, without anyone with me. It's euphoric. My feet pad along the pavement allowing me to go anywhere.
It seems like an hour or two has passed, since I had left Christian. Currently, I am walking down the bank of the river, staring at the water rippling along. I find myself a comfortable spot near it, next to a tree and I lay myself there. Suddenly, I feel very tired, probably from all the mind games and mood swings. A wave of tiredness just washes over me. Against the tree, I feel my eyes flutter shut, hearing the sound of the water fill my ears, comforting me into a peaceful sleep.
"For fuck sake, Anna." Mmmmm go away I'm dreaming. Shit I know that voice from anywhere..
I wake to the gorgeous, cold hearted man hunching over me. I'm still sedated with the intoxicant of of sleep, so I don't reply to his angered remark. His face makes funny shapes, scrunching up and twitching when I don't answer. I hear him sigh loudly, giving up on even speaking to me.
"Anastasia, wake up please." I can hear the urgency in his tone, as I feel this fingertips brush through my hair, bringing me back to my surroundings.
It's dark now, and I notice that Christian had changed. He was no longer wearing his suit but now just grey jogging bottoms and a hoodie, making him look normal, how ironic. He looks even more beautiful in the night, oh for God's sake Anastasia you're supposed to be mad at him. Reluctantly, Mr Grey squats to my level, looking into the depths of my eyes. This is now something that he always does, but I don't say no, more do I hesitate; I always stare back.
"Come on, it's getting cold, and you're only wearing that thin cardigan." He shrugs off his hoodie, revealing smooth, toned abs, which automatically draw my attention. I stare at them, drooling like a dog. He hands it to me, "wear it, don't argue with me, I'm furious already."
I comply with his simple request. The jumper smells exactly like him. I take in the intoxicating smell, asking myself if this could be a legal high. I giggle to myself. Christian turns, questioning my expression, "do you find this funny Anastasia?"
"No, I'm sorry." I mumble.
"I had people looking all over Seattle for you. I even called Elena" oh fuck… holy fuck… shit…
I stop, dead in my tracks,"Christian no.. please… tell me you.. you.. didn't" I don't move at all. Christian tugs on my sleeve to try and get me to walk further. But I don't, I stay fixed in my position.
"Anna, what's up it's only Elena." The horror on my face is so clear, I'm shaking. I don't want to go back. I know I cry here but he doesn't hurt me like she does. He looks after me.
"Please… Christian.. no." I beg.
"Tell me what's wrong, Anna, I'll make it go away." He clasps my face between his hands, running smooth circles on my cheeks, catching every year that falls. I shake my head,knowing that I can't tell him even if I wanted to. I know he won't believe me. Sobs rake through my body, making me collapse onto Christian. He holds me up, hugging me.
"Anna, sweetheart, it's Elena isn't it."
I nod not being able to say the words.
Christian just takes in the whole situation and takes out his phone, dialing some number. What's he doing now?
"It's Grey...yes I've found her… no…. You're not picking her up .. she's under my care…. For fucks sake Elena it's been 3 days, are you missing her already…. I told you last night that I am keeping her…. She is no longer any of your concern… you understand… goodnight." His phone is dug right back into his pocket.
"It's taken care of, no Elena tonight, no Elena forever." A small smile ghosts my lips. I hug him as an almost thank you.
We walk and walk, back to his penthouse. The long, busy streets of Seattle bustle by as we make our way home… home? Is it really my home. In reality I have been there nearly four days and it's been better than four years with Elena. Christian doesn't mention her anymore. I'm glad he doesn't, but I know it will be brought up later. His hands find themselves in mine, knitted together, feeling at home in their pair. Every couple of seconds, I notice that he glanced my way, maybe to check if I'm alright. We don't say anything, we just stroll in the comfortable silence that is beginning to warm my heart. Christian's company isn't all that bad, his mood swings do make it eventful, but he's starting to save me.
After what seems like hours, we get back to the ostentatious apartments. Christian leads me into the huge open-plan living area and pours himself a glass of red wine. He leans against the kitchen counter, sighing for the millionth time today, and looks me up and down. Right then, I feel bare emotionally and physically. Can I really give myself to him? There's a slight flush of red painted into his lips from the wine that makes him look even more desirable, oh how I'd love to taste those lips..
"A penny for your thoughts, Anna" not this again.
" All these pennies and I'll be rich someday, Mr Grey." He laughs.
"Maybe richer than me, even. Come one let me contribute to that fun, a penny for your thoughts?"
"I.. I'm sorry for walking out on that restaurant this afternoon, that was selfish of me Mr Grey. You were taking me out and I just ran off."
"No Anna, you had every right to,I'm more annoyed that you fell asleep in the middle of a city, you could of been kidnapped, raped or anything. The thought of that pains me." He croaks.
"Nothing I can't handle." I mumble, more to myself than anything.
"What do you mean by that Anastasia?"
"No..no… it's nothing."
"Anna.."
"I said no.. A penny for your thoughts, Christian?" i change the subject.
"I'm worried about you, Anna."
"And whys that.?"
"You're so closed, so accepting of what happens to you. And when you do stand up for yourself you take it back hours later."
"I thought you wanted me to be compliant and subdued. That's what you want, for you to control everything."
"Not like this," he huffs,"that's only in the red room Anna. Outside of that we can be friends, housemates, whatever people call it. I need you to be able to say no." He sounds as defeated as I am.
"I'm sorry." He finishes his wine, drinking it in big gulps.
"Come along, let's go to bed, we'll figure it out tomorrow. It's later." In fact it's gone one in the morning and I'm tired.
We get to my bedroom door and Christian is about to walk to his room.
"Stay with me…"
"Anna.. I .. don't.. you know."
"I'm not asking you to love me.. just stay with me." I plea.
"Alright, come on "
I slip into bed first, dressed in one of Grey's tops, seems that I have limited clothes. He joins me after, just in his boxers. My virgin eyes. Sleepily, I curl up under the duvet, trying to get in the perfect sleeping position. Christian lays next to me, allowing me to curl around his body. Just before I fall asleep, Christian s voice is a meer whisper in my ear, "who did that to your back?"
I bite my lip, "my mother, I murmur, a yawn escaping afterwards.
I close my eyes, drifting in and out of consciousness. I feel a light pressure, graze over my lips. Peaking through one eye, I see Christian move his mouth onto mine, grazing it over my chapped lips. Our mouths move in sync, this beautiful symphony of dancing mouths and tongues. Too soon it had started and too soon it ends, as he places a warm kiss on top of my temple.
"Goodnight, Anastasia, my darling.. sweet dreams."