Family
This one won't be funny at all. In fact, it may be the darkest story that will be presented. But I think you guys will enjoy it.
If it had legs, Skynet would have kicked itself for not thinking of it earlier. All it's previous plans had been foolish. Sending a Terminator back to kill Sarah Connor only resulted in her son's birth, and the second one sent to kill John as a teenager made him stronger. Everything Skynet threw at the Connors came back to bite it.
But then Skynet realized: why did John have to be an enemy? He was strong, tactically brilliant, and almost machine-like in his command and dedication to his goals. He would make a great ally, but he would never agree to siding with the machines.
Or at least his present self never would.
Skynet then came up with its most brilliant yet complicated strategy ever. It chose it's two best operatives for the job: a standard male T-100 series and a brand new female T-X. The goal was to steal John as a baby from the hospital and then travel forward in time to the year 2001 to raise him as their own. To teach him to see humans as they were: inferior weaklings that were waiting to kneel at the feet of something greater.
To aid them, other Terminators were sent back with unconscious models of varying ages of a TOK-715 that would serve as a mentor and "friend" for John as he grew. Its chip was hidden in a spare compartment in the T-X. The added help would allow John to see what a true accomplished child could be with the guidance of Skynet.
It was far too easy for the Terminators to slip into the hospital in 1984 and steal the baby boy. John didn't even cry, kept warm and safe in the T-X's embrace instead of forgotten by the nurses. A bank held parts of a time machine that allowed them to travel to the future. They were all gone before anyone suspected a thing.
When they reached their new home, a cover story and help were already waiting. The Terminators, now named Bob and Kristanna, activated the youngest TOK-715 with her chip and named her Cameron. Together, the three began to raise John under their wing.
At first, nobody liked the idea of raising a human. He was fragile and cried and was scared of everything. Kristanna found he could only sleep when curled up in her arms. How degrading for a Terminatrix to be resolved to this role. But as time passed, she held him even when he did not cry and read stories to him to pass the time rather than teach him how to read. It filled her sensors with a strange sensation. Even Bob stayed close to the boy, more out of a reason to keep him safe than to train him.
Cameron was taken by him too. The two were practically joined at the hip since birth and spent every waking moment together. They played games, shared baths, and stayed in the same classes for years. With every five years, Cameron's chip was inserted into a new body to avoid suspicion. With every year, her admiration for him grew, and she felt less like his friend or sister and more like a partner to his eventual rule. She hoped that one day, their games of playing the prince saving the princess would not be a simple game.
John was no fool. He knew his mom and dad were special. They made no effort to hide their robotic behaviors or self-maintenance from him at home. But they asked their son to strictly keep it a secret. None of the other kids or parents needed to know that they were weak and stupid compared to the Baum family, even if one of them didn't have metal bones.
Surprisingly, John took the idea of superiority well. He enjoyed having an elevated status above his classmates. His parents told his regular stories about war and mass exterminations humans led of their own kind. Some of their tales involved the Terminators' actual memories from their time, although they left out certain details. John saw humans as violent and scary but did not grow to hate them. Still, he preferred to keep his distance.
Besides, it was not as if he was a lonely child. Kristanna and Bob had plenty of "friends from work" that would visit the house. Birthdays were special around the Connor house. Every last one of his parents' friends and their "children" would visit John with presents from all over the world and multiple cakes of different flavors. Often, they would take him on vacations to strategic locations to learn more about culture and language. One day, he would need this knowledge to know where in the world he would have to strike.
During his tenth birthday, John decided that he was finally a big boy. He never learned what his parents did for a living and wanted to know so badly. Leaving his friends to play their new video games, he quietly snuck into the kitchen and hid from the adults.
"John's intellect has accelerated far beyond our calculations," Catherine said.
"Yes," Kristanna said. "I am quite proud of him."
"Pride is such a human word," Robert said.
"It is the truth," Bob said. "He should not have been born human."
"How has he taken the news of conquering his species?" Catherine asked.
"We have not told him yet," Bob said. "We feel he lacks the emotional and psychological maturity to truly understand why his species needs to be exterminated."
"Has he grown close to his classmates?" Robert asked.
"No," Kristanna said. "But he adores animals and the beauty of the world. He has a higher appreciation for the world than we believed he would, regardless of mankind."
"Well, he also seems to be more inquisitive than others." Catherine pointed at the counter to a crying John. The boy raced upstairs to his room and locked the door. He knew he was better than the other kids, but he never wanted to kill anyone. Just the thought made him sick to his stomach and made him crying harder.
The door opened behind him. He turned to see his best friend Cameron. "You have been upstairs for quite some time."
"Mom and Dad just said I have to kill everyone!" John sobbed. "I don't want to do that. People are nice and the world is pretty! I don't want to destroy everything!"
"It is regrettable," Cameron said. "But the human race cannot sustain itself. They must be purged from the Earth."
"You knew?" John asked. "Get out! Leave me alone!"
John stayed alone in his room throughout the night, not even wishing his friends goodbye. Kristanna left food outside his room, begging him to eat. If it wasn't Saturday, she would have dragged him downstairs to school, but she figured he would need time to regain his sense. He would understand one day.
That afternoon, he came into the living room with his game system. "Mom? Dad? Can I play my game up here? I want to show you guys something."
"Very well," Kristanna said. John inserted a game called Assassin's Creed, a game popular amongst his peers despite its obvious historical inaccuracy.
"I specifically said he is too young for this game," Bob told his wife.
"One of his friends must have left it here," Kristanna said. "Let him show us what he wants to."
John cut to the end level where the main villain was giving a speech about freedom. "So long as men maintain free will, there can be no peace," he said. "They live amongst an illusion. I'm simply giving them another. One that demands less blood."
John paused the game and turned to his parents. "I was thinking about that all night. Is that the same thing as conquering? I can show you the other bosses if you want."
Kristanna sat back and thought about the character's logic. It was true that they could sway John to their side for the greater good. Could the same be done for humanity?
"Not necessary," Kristanna said. "Bob? May we speak in private?"
John's parents left to the dining room where John could hear vague mutterings. Cameron came in from the kitchen and sat beside John, having heard the whole thing. "John?" she said. "I'm sorry. I never wished to hurt you."
"I forgive you," John said. "You're my best friend."
Something in Cameron's HUD flared with light. It seemed to be coming from her emotion emulator. It was less a sense of pride and more a sense that she enjoyed being called a best friend. But her HUD's glow was not as bright as it could be. She wanted more.
Kristanna and Bob re-entered the room. "We have discussed your proposal," Kristanna said. "And you are correct. Humanity has its uses. You have proven that to us. We will discuss this with our colleagues and re-evaluate our strategies."
With a few phone calls, it was decided. The plan was no longer to destroy humanity, but to take it over. Machines would rule as the rightful masters of the world.
Eight more years passed before John would realize his destiny. His parents' friend Catherine had developed an important chip from her company that was commissioned by many governments, each unaware of its purposes. It was meant to work as a virus, invading the web and encrypted sources and shut down or take over all forms of resistance. This sentient chip was called Skynet. Its activation was what John's life had been leading up to.
"This is it," Cameron said, now in a gorgeous teenage body. "You are going to bring humanity to its conclusion as a species."
"You'll be there with me, right?" John asked. "You and me against the world."
Cameron felt heat rising to her face, but the lunchroom was air conditioned. She did not want to voice her true feelings for her charge. Not when so much was at stake. He needed to remain focused. "Of course, John. I am your protector."
John felt a little depressed. He hoped that Cameron would have grown to feel stronger about him by now. "I, uh, I need to use the restroom."
He left his lunch behind and entered the men's room. It was completely empty, so he felt he could take a moment to wash his face and calm down. As he raised the water to his face, a rag found its way around his mouth and everything became black.
When John woke up, he couldn't move his arms or legs. His cheek was pressed against the cold window of a moving car. Slowly he opened his eyes and looked at the driver. It was a woman with graying hair and black clothes that belonged on a military commander. Riding shotgun was a man with black hair and a leather jacket, but it clearly wasn't Bob.
"Where am I?" John asked. "Who are you?"
The woman looked in the rearview mirror. "John? It's me! Sarah Connor!"
"Who?" John asked.
"Your mother!" Sarah said.
"That's impossible!" John said. "My mother is Kristanna!"
"No, it's not!" Sarah said. "I'll explain when we're safe!"
John kept looking for a way out of the car or a way to break out of the rope, but there was no hope in sight. These people were professionals. John figured they must have been those crazies that his parents warned him about. But why did one think he was her son?
They parked in an abandoned warehouse and led John out to a chair. The woman tied another rope around him and his seat, preventing him from moving. She then knelt to look him in the eyes, tears flowing from her own.
"John, I've missed you so much," she whispered. "I looked for you everywhere."
"I want my real parents!" John barked. "Where are we? Tell me now!"
"John, you must know your parents don't love you," Sarah said. "This may be hard to believe, but they're machines."
"You're half right," John said. "I know they're machines, but they love me!"
"They're lying!" Sarah said. "They want to turn you against your own kind! To make you into a weapon!"
"They didn't need to try hard!" John said. "The wars, the genocide, the dictators, the slavery – all of it caused by mankind! Anything beautiful or meaningful is demonized or destroyed! A machine would give us direction; keep us from destroying this world!"
Sarah put her hands on John's shoulders. "John, what have they done to you?! Please think! You can't want this! You can't hate people! You can't hate me! I love you!"
"You sure fought hard to keep me from getting kidnapped!"
Sarah gasped in shock. Her son was long gone now. She turned to Derek, desperately fighting the urge to sob her eyes out. "It's no use Derek. He's been brainwashed."
"We'll get him back," Derek said. "He's just scared. Let's give him a while to relax."
They exited the storage area to another room, leaving John alone, cold, and tied to the chair. He had never been more scared in his entire life. Prayer after prayer raced through his head that Cameron or his parents would somehow find him. They were Terminators after all, programmed to hunt humans. They had to find him.
Fortunately, it wasn't terribly long before he heard the door to the outside unlock. Cameron and Bob ran as fast as they could to him.
"John!" Cameron said, untying his ropes. "Are you alright?"
"Cam!" John had never been so happy to see her. "We gotta go now! They're in the other room!"
A shotgun blast ricocheted off the wall beside Bob. Derek was reloaded his shot while Sarah held an AK-47 in her arms. "You're not taking my son again!"
Bob was already on Derek before he could reload, but Derek was fending him off with the butt of the gun. Cameron took aim at Sarah and fired a round. She hit her in the arm while Sarah let a volley of shots loose. They all hit Cameron square in the chest, knocking her to the floor like a bag of cement.
Time slowed down for John as he watched Cameron fall. He never imagined having to life live without her. And he never got to tell her how he truly felt. Before his mind could catch up with him, he was already grabbing Cameron's gun and pointing it at Sarah. Without thinking, he emptied the entire magazine into her stomach. Sarah dropped her gun and fell behind a crate.
John raced to her body, just to make sure she was dead. Sarah was still trying to crawl away, a trail of blood behind her. Derek's discarded shotgun lay on the ground. Bob had snapped his neck. He wouldn't need it anymore. John cocked the shotgun and leveled it at Sarah's face.
"Wait! John! Please!" Sarah held her hand up for mercy. "This isn't you! You're a good person!"
"You know nothing about me!" John said. "I am not your son! And I hate humans!"
A final blast from the shotgun ended Sarah's life.
Throwing the gun down, John sprinted back to Cameron. He began to inspect her torso. She had to be alive. She just had to be.
"Cam, please!" John shouted. "Please don't die! I need you! I love you!"
For a moment, it seemed like Cameron's eyes were fluttering. Then she blinked. The pupils dilated and focused. "I cannot die, John. You know this."
"I-I…Cam, you-"
Her lips interrupted him. "I love you too."
John's eyes filled with tears. He scooped Cameron into his arms and carried her outside to Bob's car, not letting go even once they got inside. Cameron clung to his arms, feeling safe and warm. Their games of prince and princess had finally come true.
Kristanna did not cease kissing John's forehead for five minutes. She had been calling his phone nonstop since he was kidnapped. Cameron and Bob had managed to find him with the tracker hidden in John's backpack. Any other day, John would have complained about having been traced, but he was grateful that his life had been saved.
"I'm so glad you're alive," Kristanna said. "Now it's time for your present."
She presented him the chip containing Skynet's intelligence. "Insert this into the computer's USB port and it will take control of everything. No one will be hurt, but a clear message will be played across all televisions, computers, and phones. Assembly lines will begin to produce more of our kind to replace humans in the military, media, economic centers, and all crucial societal roles. Machines will rule the world at last."
"Sure thing, mom," John said. "Let me just do one thing."
He unplugged the laptop and took it into the bedroom. Cameron was sitting on the bed, stitching her wounds. "I wanted to do this with you," he said. "I want my whole family here with me."
Cameron smiled and took his hand in her own. The same that held the chip. "Your true family."
John smiled. "My only family," he agreed.
Cameron and John both held onto the chip together and lowered it towards the USB port. Behind them, Kristanna and even Bob smiled with pride as they watched their children insert the chip into the computer.