Disclaimer: Still don't own anything except my brain and my plot decisions. Everything else belongs to the wonderful Sarah J Maas.
A.N. So don't get used to these rapid-fire updates guys. I just worked real hard so I could get this super special, extra long chapter out for the ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY of this fic. I know, I spent a good chunk of that year on an unintended hiatus, but I'm back on the saddle again, and hoping to be better this year.
I also just want to take a moment and thank all of you people who read this. If you've been here since the beginning, or if you just binged it all today, I appreciate you. Thanks so much for bothering to read this, especially when you could be doing something like taking a nap instead.
Never Enough
There's no answer when I knock on the apartment door the first time. So, I knock again, louder. Still no answer.
"Elain?" I call, praying that no passersby are watching me try to yell at my sister through her door.
"It's open." Her reply is muffled but I can still tell that her voice is hoarse, almost as if she's been crying.
I push open the door and step into her apartment. It's small, smaller than any I've ever lived in. But she insists on paying for it entirely by herself. This means that she only has one room with her bed, a dresser, a bookshelf, and the world's smallest kitchen. Hell, she doesn't even have a stove. The only offshoot is the bathroom, but even then, you can't open the front door and the bathroom door at the same time.
Once I'm inside I close the door behind me. I do a quick scan and don't see her. "Where are you?"
"Bathroom." She's whimpering. I'm instantly on alert and I bang into the room. The sight of her instantly breaks my heart. She's in her hiding spot; the incredibly tight space between the toilet and the bathtub; her eyes are red and puffy, her blonde hair a tangled mess around her shoulders.
Anger fills me. Anger at who did this. At why they did this. I find that only one name pops into my head. My fists clench at my sides. "Where did he go?" I grunt out.
She shakes her head. "No, no Feyre. He didn't do this."
Her words do nothing to calm me. "Then who did?"
"I did." Her words are barely a whisper, but they hit me like a typhoon. All my anger dissipates, and I'm left completely empty, and a little numb. I walk over and squat down in front of her.
"Okay honey. Well let's get you out of here first, and then you can tell me about it." I grab her by her biceps and begin to try to pull her up. Fear flashes in her eyes, then panic, and she fights my movement. Still keep my hands on her, but I let her pull back.
"No. No. No. No. I. I have. I have to. I have. I have to stay. Stay. Stay here. Right here." Something registers in my brains, and I know that she's having one of her attacks.
I hold up my hands in surrender. "Okay. We'll stay right here Elain." She nods rapidly. "Can you tell me what's happened?" She freezes, a look of terror on her face.
"You can't tell him."
"I can't tell who?"
"Grayson. You can't tell Grayson." Damn. I knew this was about that abusive bastard. I shouldn't have let her agree to marry him. I thought it'd be better, since I moved them out here to New York with us, and insisted that Elain have her own apartment. But apparently it wasn't enough. She yanks me from my thoughts by desperately grabbing at my forearms and digging her fingers in. That's when I feel it. There's something in her left hand. I look down to try and see what it is, but her fingers conceal it completely. "You have to promise."
"Okay. Okay Elain. I promise. I won't tell Grayson."
Her entire body goes limp. She lets go of me and leans back against the wall behind her, her eyes closed. I watch as her breath slows, and I don't say anything until I'm completely certain that she's calm.
"What can't I tell Grayson?" Her eyes snap open, but they lack some of the panic from earlier.
She mumbles something I can't hear. I shift to lean closer to her.
"What?"
"I'm" she says another word after, but I still can't hear it.
"What?" I'm starting to get frustrated now.
"I'm p.." the rest of the word is still nonsensical.
"Oh my god Elain what is it?" I'm yelling before I know what's happening.
"I'm pregnant!" She screams back at me. At this point, I'm still squatting down, balancing on my toes. At the force of her scream, I rock back and fall onto my ass. I can't even speak, I just stare at her, incredulous.
"But I thought you and Grayson were waiting until you got married."
"We were." She can't meet my eye.
"Did you elope?" I'm whispering now.
She shakes her head. "No." She matches my volume.
"Then whose?" She finally meets my eye, and I know. I know, and I cringe. "No, you didn't." She just nods. "Lucien? Really Elain? I thought we agreed that he's better off with Jesminda." She blanches.
"It's not Lucien's!" Her words are a hiss. I feel the confusion cover my face.
"Then who have you been have sex with?"
"Azriel!" I can't help that my jaw drops, and my eyes go wide.
Well, it took me another half an hour, but I finally got Elain out from between the toilet and the bathtub. We're now sitting side by side on her bed in the exact same position; with both our feet flat on the floor about shoulder-width apart, leaning forward, our forearms bracing our weight on our thighs; there is one difference, Elain is holding the pregnancy test in her hands. Yep, that's what she had pushed up against my arm, a stick covered in her old pee.
"So." I start.
"So." She repeats.
"How long have you had this thing with Az?"
She thinks for a moment. "Year and a half?" I turn to her, my eyes wide. She's still staring at the life-changing pink stick in her hands.
"You've been sleeping with my husband's bet friend for a year and a half and you didn't tell me!" A deep blush covers her cheeks as she shrinks into herself. She must think I'm angry. I am yelling, but it's for an entirely different reason.
I don't even think about what to do next. I just wrap both my arms around her in a great bear hug. I hug her as tight as I possibly can. She lets out a squeak at the initial impact but then begins laughing. Within seconds I'm laughing with her.
"This is so great! Rhys will be so excited!" She stops laughing.
"You can't tell Rhys."
In my happiness I miss the shift in her tone. "Oh of course of course, you have to tell Az first."
"I might not tell Az." I pull away until I'm holding her at arm's length.
"What?" All my joy from moments ago is gone. Replaced with an empty feeling. I didn't realize how much of an impact this news really had on me.
"I might not tell Azriel about the pregnancy." She repeats slowly. As if we are children again and she is teaching me the meaning of a word.
"Why not?"
She meets my eyes and I see the beginnings of tears. "I might not keep it." Her voice sounds watery, and she has to look back down at her hands as soon as she's said it. And now I understand.
I understand why I found her hiding and panicking. I understand why she was crying and not answering her phone. I understand why when Az came over today she sent him away without thinking about it. I understand why that made him worry and call me and tell me to come check on her.
Because if she kept the baby she'd have to leave Grayson. Something she can't do. Not something she won't do, something she can't do. She's been in the abuse too long. She doesn't know what being loved is like. It's why she didn't break it off with Grayson when she first started seeing Az. She knows that Azriel treats her right and that he's the one who she should be with, but she thinks she deserves Grayson. And this pregnancy isn't doing anything except reiterating that fact for her. That she's a bad person who deserves bad things to happen to her. I feel tears begin to drip down my own face.
"E" She shakes her head to stop me before I can say more.
"He'll kill me when he finds out." She lets out the roughest laugh I've ever heard come out of her.
"We don't have to tell him."
"If I keep it, he'll want to know why I left."
"You already have more than enough reason to leave."
"No, I don't Feyre." My heart shatters when she says that. She's been with the abusive son of a bitch for over seven years. She does that laugh, chortle, thing again and my heart breaks even more. "You know, he doesn't believe in abortion. He'll make me have it."
I reach over and lightly touch her on the arm. "You know who wouldn't force you to do anything?" She doesn't respond. "Az wouldn't force anything on you. He would be there for you." I swallow. "He wants to be there for you E."
"He does?" The words are a broken, throaty whisper.
"He does. He's the one who called me when you wouldn't see him this morning." She looks back up at me. The new tears have mixed with the old, and now her nose is running. "You should tell him." She nods.
"Okay." She takes a deep breath and wipes at her face. It does nothing but move some of her snot up to her eyebrow. "Can you call him?" I'm astounded.
"Do you want me to tell him?"
"No. I want you to get him here." I smile.
"Yeah. I can do that." I stand up and walk over to where I abandoned my purse earlier. I fish my phone out of it and check the messages.
23 Missed Calls from Azriel
6 New Messages from Azriel
I slide it open and look at the texts.
Az: Is she okay?
Az: Feyre?
Az: Okay what's going on? Is it Grayson? Do I need to go kill him? I called Cass and we're ready to go whenever.
Az: Okay I'm being ridiculous. Sorry. Just, call me whenever. Bye.
Az: Can you just tell me if you go to the hospital?
Az: Okay so since you're not answering, I'm just going to sit right here in the lobby of the apartment building.
I feel a grin spread across my face as I walk back to Elain. "I've never seen him do this. Have you?" I show her my phone. Her eyes grow wide.
"Wow." She doesn't even say the word, just mouths it to herself.
"I think he might love you Elain." That causes her gaze to shift up to me.
"You think?"
"I think."
She nods. "Were you going to call him?" I nod, and push a few buttons. He picks up on the first ring.
"How is she?" I've never heard him sound so nervous.
"She wants to see you."
"She does?" I hear some ambient noise as he starts moving. "Is she okay? Do we need to take her to the hospital?"
"No. She just needs to tell you something."
"Okay." He still sounds just as nervous as when we started talking. I put my back to Elain and whisper into the phone.
"Oh, and Az?"
"Yeah?"
"It might be helpful if you calmed yourself down a little before you come inside."
He lets out a breathy chuckle. "Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I'll work on that."
"Good." I hang up before he can say anything else and turn back to Elain.
I take one look at her and burst out laughing. I can't help it, she does not look cute right now.
Her hair is an actual birds nest, her eyes are red, she's got snot places I didn't know you could get snot, and while she's not crying now, the tears have left trails down her face. This is not helped by the fact that she never really got dressed. She has on black sweat pants that are at least two sizes too big, and are more ragged looking than any other piece of clothing I've ever seen. She's got on a coral t-shirt (the pink coral, not the blue) that's covered in paint and due to the extremely stretched out collar, hangs off her left shoulder almost down to her elbow. And on top of it all, she's still clutching the pregnancy test in her right hand.
In all my life, I have never seen my sister look like this much of a mess. So, I laugh. Confusion covers her face.
"Feyre." I double over. "Feyre what's so funny?"
"You." I manage to gasp out.
She puts her left hand on her hip and it just about kills me. I fall to my knees. "Stop that. It's not nice to laugh at your sister." I can feel her glare on the back of my head, so I manage to get my laughter under control and stand back up.
"We are not pretty criers."
I watch her face as confusion flashes, and realization dawns. She gasps and runs into the bathroom, leaving the door open. "Oh my god." I chuckle.
"I know. It's bad." I call to her.
"There's snot in my hair!"
"Check your eyebrows."
"OH MY GOD!"
That is the moment that the front door is pushed open, only to be met by the opposing force of the bathroom door.
"I can't get in." Azriel calls from the hall. Elain squeaks at his voice and rapidly moves to grab the bathroom door and yank it closed.
"You're good now." I call, and Az pushes the rest of the way into the room. He steps over the threshold and closes the door behind himself.
"Where is she?"
"OH MY GOD!" He chuckles under his breath.
"Answer your question?" He nods to me, then moves and knocks on the door.
"Lain, you okay?" I smile when he uses the nickname. She used to hate it when people called her "Lain", just because it was so close to "Elain". "Why can't they just say the E?" She used to rant. I'm guessing he's the only person who will ever be allowed to call her that.
"Uh. No. I just need like four hours to fix the mess that my face is." I swallow as the realization hits me. She's let herself temporarily forget the situation.
"Okay. But, Feyre said you had something you needed to tell me. And it seemed kind of important. I would prefer if we could have the conversation face to face rather than through the door."
She doesn't say anything.
"Elain, I'm sure he doesn't care what you look like." I sublimate. Trying to remind her that I'm here, and that I've got her back.
"Yeah, I just want to know what's going on."
Still nothing.
"Elain-" Az holds up a finger to silence me.
He whispers something into the door that I can't hear, and she opens it. She doesn't look at him, or me, as she walks over and sits down on the bed again. As she walks, we both scan her. Az for injuries me for something else. His search is futile, but I find what I'm looking for, pocking out of the pocket of her pants.
When she sits I look at her. She didn't do a whole lot to "fix" her appearance. She put her hair up in a bun on the top of her head and washed her face, so she looks less streaky. I'm not close enough to really tell anything else.
Azriel surprises me by not sitting next to her, and instead leaning against the wall. Elain is staring at the ground, but she holds out a hand to me. I take it and let her pull me until I'm sitting next to her.
I look up to Az, expecting to see him getting frustrated. Instead I see patience. It's astounding and suddenly I want nothing more than for Elain to be with him forever. Any other man would be angry, even Rhys, but not Azriel.
Elain shifts, and I whip my head around to look at her so fast I feel a tweak in my neck. She takes a deep breath before moving ever so slowly, to look not at me, but at Azriel. The second her eyes meet his I see it. I see why he went crazy with worry. I see why she spent the entire morning crying her eyes out at the thought of having to give his kid up. I see the one thing they've somehow managed to hide for a year and a half. And I'm shocked I didn't see it before.
She swallows hard, takes one more breath, and then says the words with more force than I ever expected from her. "I'm pregnant."
I cringe painfully as I whip my head back around to watch Az's face. His expression is impassive. I look back to my sister to see worry begin to creep into the edges of her face.
"Did you hear me?"
"Yes. I did."
Something I've never seen before happens then. Rage flares in Elain's eyes. She stands rather aggressively. "And what do you have to say about it?" Her volume is increasing. I'm shocked. I've never seen her angry.
"Do you know whose it is?" That's when it dawns on me. He thinks she's sleeping with Grayson. I mean it makes sense, she is engaged to the guy.
But then Elain does something I never thought she could. She marches over to him, lifts her right hand into the air, and slaps him.
It's kind of obvious that neither Az or I know what to do now. All we can do is stare at Elain, my mouth hanging open, him holding his jaw. I really wish I could see her face.
"How are you so sure?" He finally grumbles out. He's not expecting it, but I am, and I flinch as she backhands him across the other side of his face. When I open my eyes, both sides of his face are red.
Damn, Elain is good at that. He better be lucky that she was hitting him with her right hand instead of her left. She could've done some real damage with that engagement ring of hers.
"I've never slept with him you jackass." She hisses out through clenched teeth. At that his hand that was holding his jaw drops and wraps around her waist. The other coming around and meeting to completely wrap around her. He starts to pull her up off her feet, but she puts her hands up to his chest.
"No. No. I'm mad at you." I just lean back and watch. I've never seen her act this way before. With Lucien she's withdrawn, quiet, depressed, and with Grayson she's obedient, submissive, docile. This is incredible.
She makes a fist and bangs it into his chest. He laughs. "Lain."
"No. I'm mad."
A.N. Just like normal, R&R to let me know what you think. If you're angry that I put Az and Elain together, good. Be angry. Read it over and over again, just so you can be angry. But then like, don't hate me because of the decision. Know this is not the only relationship shake up I have planned. And if you want a in depth piece explaining where Lucien fits into my AU, just drop me a comment or a pm (I did allude to it a little bit).
Also again, thanks for being here for the ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY of A Court of Guns and Glass. I hope that we will see many a more year together.