Chapter 94: Questioning Beliefs
"ALIM!"
Leliana woke with a start; she sat up quickly in bed, her heart pounding, her eyes darting at every shadow, her breath coming in ragged gasps.
Alim…she…she had seen…Oh Maker!
"Easy lethallan, easy," strong fingers found her shoulders holding her down, keeping her from leaping out of bed.
She ignored them…she…she could still feel the vision in her mind holding tight on her soul.
She could still feel it, the mountain wind and the bitter cold, a place long frozen, ancient and hidden for far too long. She could feel the menace of this place, it had become a sanctuary for great evil, and in it…dwelled…dwelled…
A dark shadow flew over them; she thought she saw Alim raise his staff then…then…
She stifled a sob, the vision faded into the back of her mind. She…she could not remember…she…
The bard's eyes widened.
MARJOLAINE!
She remembered the fight with Marjolaine, her final encounter with her former master, the racing of her blood, feeling the thrill of victory as she brought her enemy down, and she remembered falling, falling into darkness and death…she…
We're the same.
The words pulled her back, she glanced around the darkened room, recognizing it immediately as the bed in Marjolaine's safe house, it had been years, but…
"Leliana, can you hear me?"
She looked at the one holding her in his grasp, for a minute she thought it her Alim, but then noticed the silver eyes, tattoos and unruly brown hair.
"Theron," she whispered, saying the Dalish warden's name, helped her center herself.
He nodded, pleased that she no longer fought against him, he released his hold on her. She let herself sink back into the pillow.
Marjolaine…was dead…dead because of her.
Despite everything that had happened, even after all the blood and anger that had passed between them…she still found herself whispering a prayer to the Maker…asking him to have mercy on her master's soul.
It made no sense, she knew it made no sense, but she could not help it. How could she mourn someone who caused her so much pain, who had hurt her so badly?
Because it was Marjolaine, she thought, and I am…and will always be her Pretty Thing. That name had meant so much to me once…
It is impossible to completely let it go.
She took a deep breath, her mouth felt sour, and dry…so very dry.
"Water," she croaked.
The Dalish brought a water skin to her lips, she started to drink too quickly, but he stopped her forcing her to take slow careful sips.
Once she felt a little better she noticed the figure sleeping soundly in a chair near the bed, her dearest Alim. Why had he not been beside her when she woke?
Theron gave her a sad smile.
"Wynne had to put a sleep spell on him, he has not left your side since you were wounded," The Dalish informed her, "He ate little and slept less, it is not good for a mage, and certainly not for a warden."
The bard's brow furrowed.
"Theron, how long have I been asleep?"
"Three days, the poison on your master's dagger was quite…potent, it was all the Wynne, Alim, and Morrigan could do to keep your heart beating, but Alim was insistent, he refused to let go. Two days ago Zevran was able to purchase herbs to counter its effects."
The Dalish smiled.
"You were very lucky, Lethallan."
Leliana shivered.
Marjolaine's face danced before her eyes, she saw that cruel smirk, even as her old master lay dying on the floor.
I still win my pretty thing…
I still win.
Leliana pursed her lips into a grim line.
Lucky?
She was not so sure.
IOI
Theron smiled at the bard, the only reason why Alim had agreed to rest was because the Dalish volunteered to sit by the woman's side. If she took a turn for the worst he was to wake their leader, but since she was awake, and seemed to have been recovering, he did not bother. Alim still needed to regain his strength.
Their task was still far from over.
Using the bards' safe house was the only option they had, they could not afford to leave Denerim with Leliana in such a condition, and Wynne feared moving her might prove fatal, so they had sat and waited. Seri had journeyed to the rendezvous to link up with Alistair's team and bring them back here. Theron had already made two trips out of the city to inform Sten and Shayle of their progress, and that they would be leaving Denerim soon…as soon as Leliana had recovered.
The bard shivered, she seemed, cool and distant, she looked upset for some reason, that, Theron did not understand. He hated to admit, but he had little experience with dealing with humans and their feelings. Mostly he kept to himself, and tried not to seem like a bumpkin, someone who could only stare at the city around him and feel only awe.
"Is there something I can get you?" he asked.
She shook her head no.
There had been a time that he would have never asked a human that question. His Dalish pride would have gotten in the way, but since he had begun his travels with these people, he no longer saw them as their race. They may have been human, dwarf; elven, Qunari and golem, but they had also become his friends, part of his new clan as it were.
He had not been a warden long enough to bond with them, and this Loghain's treachery at Ostagar had made such bonding impossible. He…
He remembered how he had felt after he had escaped the warden compound. How fearful and lonely he had been travelling alone. He…he had never been more grateful to find out that he wasn't, that at least few wardens survived Ostagar.
He was grateful for Alim and Alistair, more than grateful.
He was happy that he was not all alone.
Leliana lay back on the bed, she worried her lower lip with her teeth, and she was so silent. It was different from the usually chatty bard he had known for so long now.
"What happened to the bodies?" she asked.
The question took him by surprise, but then again, Leliana had always been practical about such things, always being the first in to search for supplies after battles.
"Morrigan took care of them, some spell that her mother knew she said, it made…shadows cover the bodies and dissolve them…leaving only dust in their wake. It was a little disturbing I must admit, but better than just leaving them to…well…you know. The daughter of Asha'belannar is not to be trifled with, that is for certain."
Leliana shook her head.
"So all that was left of Marjolaine now was a simple dusty stain on the carpet," the bard said with a sigh, "She…she would have hated that…knowing that she came to such a…anticlimactic end."
Theron twitched his ears, he did not know that word, but could guess its meaning.
Leliana gave him a wan smile.
"It must seem very strange to you that I am concerned about such things."
The Dalish smiled.
"Not as much as you might think, the woman did you a great disservice, but now that she is gone, that part of your life is now over, the hatred sated, but in its place…what is left?"
'An excellent question," the bard said with a yawn, she was still weak from the poison.
Theron looked like he was about to leave, but she stopped him taking his hand.
"How do you know about this? Did you have some enemy, back before you were a warden?"
"The entire human race is…was our enemy," he admitted, "When you are born among the Dalish, you are raised to see what the shemlen did to us, what they took for the elvhen. We mourn the passing of the Dales, but in that mourning we also hold onto the anger of what was taken from us."
Theron pursed his lips.
"I killed a human once, back before I joined the order. He…he and his friends trespassed too close to our camp. Tamlen and I thought them bandits. We…I…we thought to make an example of him by killing him and letting his friend run back and tell the tale. By doing that, we doomed any chance of remaining there. True, the humans were growing to resent our presence, but…the fact that I shed blood first…"
The elf lowered his ears in shame.
"My Father would have been very ashamed of me."
"Your Father?"
"Aye," the elf replied, "Keeper Mahariel, the greatest keeper we had in many generations. He…he trained Keeper Marethari. My Father always preached that we needed to let go of the old hatred, learn the shemlen ways, and interact with them from time to time, only then might we find acceptance enough that they will not just wipe out our new homeland when we find it one day.
Theron's expression turned sad.
"My Father died before I was born, murdered by the same shems that he wished to draw closer to, my mother…she…she did not live long after bringing me into the world. Ashalle, my father's friend raised me, but I was never far from the Keeper's thoughts. She…she had hoped that I would be born with the gift of magic and be able to follow my father's path…but the gods thought differently, not that it did not work out. Me being born without magic; it brought my Merrill to the clan."
He smiled.
"I would not trade knowing her for anything."
Leliana smiled.
"You must love her very much."
The elf blushed.
"She is my ma vhenan," he murmured, "I can't imagine living in a world without her, but…"
The Dalish sniffed.
"But I must learn….for her sake."
"You do not intend to go back to your clan, when the Blight is over?"
Theron shook his head.
"I cannot return to them, not to live among them anyway. I'm…I'm bound to the darkspawn now, like all the wardens."
His ears drooped.
"The wardens saved me from the Blight sickness, but…they did not cure me. It is still a part of me, and the spawn would sense it where ever I went. If I returned to my clan, it would draw them down upon my people…I…I can't do that to them. I can't do that to Merrill."
He looked at Leliana, he knew he should say no more, but he could not help it, the words rushed from him like water from a broken damn.
He knew how she felt about Alim, it was cruel that she did not know the truth, perhaps it was not his place to tell her, but…he wished to spare her the pain.
"Joining the wardens saved me, but only for a time. The taint still burns in my blood, corrupting me, and shortening my natural life. Most wardens live about thirty years after their joining, provided they are not killed in battle that is. That taint consumes us all after a while. It…it will consume me..."
He put a warm hand on hers.
"It will consume him, as well."
She gasped.
She did not need to ask who he was.
Theron gave their sleeping leader a sad look.
"He does not know yet, but when he finds out, he may need you. I felt you deserved to know. Abelas, if I am wrong."
He squeezed her hand, she seemed a little pale.
"Please don't hate me," he asked.
IOI
Leliana considered what the Dalish had told her.
Thirty years, that was all that he had…all that Alim had.
She…she was not sure what to say. Part of her was grateful that Theron had trusted her enough to tell her, but another part of her.
Alim…he…he was her dearest, her sweet little man, she loved him, and yet…he could share the rest of his life with her, but she could not share hers with him.
They…they would not be able to grow old together…if it came to that. Of course, it was unlike that they would anyway.
They still had to survive the Blight, and that would not be easy.
But then again…who was to say he wished to remain with her?
She frowned at that thought.
Alim had seen who she was when she killed Marjolaine, how she had savored it, trapping her former master, until she had nowhere to run. If not for the poison, she might have truly reveled in her victory.
Alim was…well…he was a bit of smart ass, and he could be difficult sometimes, but…but he still had a good heart a warm heart.
She doubted that she did, if she ever truly had.
Perhaps…perhaps Marjolaine was right.
Perhaps it was all an act, perhaps she had only wanted Alim and the others to help her kill Marjolaine, well…if she had…it worked.
They had played their parts beautifully, and now…now where was she?
She was not quite sure what to say.
Theron gave her hand another squeeze.
"I should have stayed silent," he admitted, "But…you deserved to know…when he tells you…he…he will need you. I could not be with my Merrill, but you can be with him."
She gave him a sad smile.
"You did nothing wrong Theron," she cooed, "Alim and Alistair are lucky to have a brother to watch over them."
She leaned in and kissed the Dalish on the cheek, he smiled slightly.
"I wish to sleep now," she said, "And you should get some rest too, don't bother waking Alim, I'll be all right."
He considered what she asked for almost a minute before accepting her word. He blew out the candle near the bed, and slipped quietly out of the room.
Leliana did not fall asleep right away; she lay in bed watching Alim sleep. Watching him, and trying to come to a decision.
Marjolaine was now dead, but despite it being what she wanted, she could no longer say that it was the right thing to do.
If she had truly changed, she would have let Marjolaine go, she would not have cornered her and slaughtered her like some animal.
We're the same.
She rolled over trying to get some rest, but Marjolaine's face was waiting for her. Ghosts haunted her, reminding her of all that she had done in the past.
There was no redemption.
There was no forgiveness.
Leliana prayed to the Maker, asking for guidance, but he refused to answer.
The vision came to her again, but this time she did not try to wake, or fight it.
It was a punishment of sorts she thought.
One she richly deserved.