Chapter 97: Good and Bad
Fury.
It came upon her like a hot summer wind or a tidal wave, washing away all else in its wake.
Leliana had been trying to defend Alim, but no matter what she did, no matter how many arrows she loosed, it seemed like the warrior woman's servants would take her love away from her.
They will kill Alim, and with him dead, would Alistair and Theron be enough? Would the armies rally around a Dalish elf and a Bastard Prince?
She…she could not say for certain.
Alim lay on the ground before her, unable to move, she had tried to rouse him, yet nothing seemed to work.
Another rider barreled across the battle field, his long spear lowering, looking to impale either her or her love.
Leliana fired a quick shot, but did not penetrate the man's shield, she tried to grab the elf by the shoulders, pull him out of the way of the charging steed and rider.
Still…the man continued his charge.
She did the only thing she could, the only thing that anyone could do.
She rolled out of the way.
The knight continued his charge on the paralyzed elf.
I need to survive, she thought, how else will I take vengeance later?
We're the same.
She raised her bow, taking one final shot at bringing down the bastard who was about to murder her love.
She need not have worried.
Sten appeared out of nowhere, he did not so much attack the horse, as barrel into it, a Qunari in full battle armor, with all that momentum moving forward…
It was an impressive sight to see.
The horse reared, throwing its rider back and off. He crashed to the ground hard with a clatter of armor.
Sten's great sword ended the man's life.
It was then that the rage took the bard. She realized what she had done, what would have happened had the Qunari not been there.
She had thought of herself…again. She had chosen to safe her own miserable life over another!
We're the same.
A shudder ran through her, she closed her eyes briefly, and when they opened…the chantry sister was gone…
Only Leliana the bard remained.
Alim could not die, he was too valuable. He was an asset that she could not let being taken from them.
And the big man was going to help her.
"Sten," she shouted, drawing the larger man's attention.
"You must get Alim into Bodahn's cart! He cannot move! He is going to be killed out here!
The Qunari, ever the soldier, obeyed her orders. He scooped up the elf and made for the dwarven cart, already inching away from the battle.
She did not doubt the Qunari's ability to get Alim to safety. It freed her up to do what she knew she must. What she desired more than anything right now.
Vengeance!
IOI
Elissa raised her sword in triumph, ready to finish what Loghain's men should have done at Ostagar!
Howe had told her that Teyrn had dealt with Fergus, that he had sent her brother into the waiting arms of a darkspawn raiding party.
It…it should have ended there. She should have been the last Cousland. She would be the savior of her ancient and storied family.
It should have ended that day, but somehow, for some reason, Fergus has survived, and now she was left with the odious duty of ending the threat of him herself…
It wasn't fair, but…
Her mouth was set in a grim line.
Well…if you want something done right…you do it yourself!
The elven girl was trying to stand up, to come to her brother's aid; she kicked the knife-ear away. She would have no interruptions.
Fergus glared at her, a look not of anger but disappointment. For a moment she was back in the Cousland Castle larder, dealing with their parents.
She could not lie, that had…hurt, but it had been necessary.
If only Father had been smarter. Cailan was a fop, everyone in Denerim knew it. His reaction to the darkspawn threat was typical. Father would not have been so foolhardy.
It had all began five years ago.
When King Maric had disappeared, every noble in Ferelden recognized that the savior's son was not worthy of the crown, he did not have the respect of the nobles or the army. Many had approached Bryce Cousland. They had all but demanded that he take the throne, for the sake of their country, to protect it from the Orlesians, and any other enemy that might take advantage of Ferelden's weakened state.
Bryce, her father, had refused, saying that Cailan was their rightful king and that they owed it to Maric to see that his son remained on his rightful throne.
Elissa, only fifteen at the time, had not been convinced.
Father would have been a good king, a wise king, and with Fergus as his heir, there was no limit to what the Couslands might have accomplished. Plus, she would have been a Princess of Ferelden. The throne of her beloved home was only two heartbeats away from her; she had wished Father and Fergus no ill-will, but…
She knew how the world worked. The Maker favored the strong. No one had given Maric the throne; he had taken it, pulled from the Orlesian bastards cold dead hands.
Uncle Rendon had realized that she was not happy. When Cailan named her father an ambassador to Orlais it only confirmed his suspicions. Cailan had bought her father's support with Orlesian gold.
It was the only thing that made sense. Why else would a ruler as Bryce Cousland have put such an inept fool on the throne? It…it was treason of the highest order, and she realized that she could not and would not be a part of it, not when the Cousland legacy was at stake.
When the Blight began, both she and Uncle Rendon saw their opportunity.
Teyrn Loghain had begun to worry about Cailan; the letter from the Orlesian Empress only seemed to confirm those suspicions. It was not hard to imagine the king using her father as a messenger, in conducting his illicit affair with their greatest enemy.
It was not an easy thing the Hero of Riverdane asked of her. He was asking her to betray those she loved for the good of the nation.
She tried to focus on the fact that her father was at traitor.
That…made it easy.
"Good bye Fergus," she whispered.
An arrow struck her sword, knocking it out of the way. Elissa spun raising her shield.
A red haired woman in leather armor stalked across the battlefield. She fired two arrows rapidly; if not for her Cousland training the warrior woman might have been struck.
One of the warrior woman's knights tried to get in the red head's way; she dropped her bow and drew to wickedly curved daggers.
The rogue ended the man's life quickly; she barely missed a step as she continued towards her target, towards Elissa.
Fergus scrambled to his feet drawing his dagger, he would be little match for her now, but if she turned, the red head would attack her from behind.
That would not end well.
"Get back Fergus," the rogue hissed with a predatory grin.
"This one… is mine."
Elissa's eyes narrowed.
The woman was Orlesian!
She should have guessed that Orlais would send agents here to aid the wardens! It was more proof that what Loghain said was the truth.
She glanced at Fergus; part of her wanted to stay and finish what she started, but recognized that what she had learned here could not go unknown.
Teyrn Loghain needed to learn about this. Uncle Rendon needed to learn about this.
She did something she had never done before.
She fled.
She seized the nearest abandoned horse, mounting quickly.
"Withdraw!" she shouted.
"Withdraw! We shall deal with these traitors later!"
The men, the remaining men followed quickly. The wardens and their Orlesian allies did not pursue, they had wounded, and though it looked like their loses were minimal, it should slow down their retreat.
The battle would go down as a stalemate. Elissa intended to ride hard for Highever. Thomas Howe was there, with a portion of his father's army. She would see to her men's injuries and gather reinforcements.
Then…they would return and end this warden threat.
They would return and save Ferelden!
She frowned as she fled, hearing the red haired Orlesian spy shouting taunts at her. She tried not to listen.
This is not over bitch, she thought.
Not by a long shot.
IOI
The wardens gathered up their wounded, and hurried to flee.
Alim still lay paralyzed in Bodahn's wagon. Wynne ran over to tend to the whimpering Kally. Fergus sank into the mud, a look of pure dejection on his face.
Elissa, he thought, Elissa is alive!
But…but she is fighting for Howe!
How? Why?
He saw Leliana scoop up her bow, she raised it high targeting his sister's back.
He struggled to his feet.
"Leliana! No!"
"She hurt Alim," the bard hissed, "She will not get away!"
The hungry smile on her face shocked him. He had never seen her so bloodthirsty so ready to take a life.
It frightened him a little.
"Not like that," he said.
"Why?" she murmured.
"She is my sister."
That gave the bard pause.
"Not like this," he repeated, "Give me a chance to figure out what is going on…"
She still looked unconvinced.
"Leliana," he murmured, "Please!"
It took all her strength to lower her weapon. She was in full predator mode, her bardic nature screamed for blood.
She could almost see Marjolaine smiling in approval.
Her heart raced, she wanted to make the soldiers pay for what they had done here. She wanted it; part of her even loved it!
A shuddering breath escaped her lips. She felt like a wolf watching its prey retreating to safety.
It was infuriating.
"COWARDS!" she howled at the retreating soldiers.
"Is everyone all right?"
Wynne's voice snapped her out of the red haze of her rage. She glanced at Fergus' wounds.
"He needs your attention Wynne," she said coldly, "I am fine."
The elder mage gave her a worried look.
"You do not look fine, my dear, perhaps I can…"
"I said I'm fine."
The bard left before she had to listen to anymore. She cared for Wynne, but she did not want to be coddled, not right now.
She…she had let her prey escape.
It was insulting.
A bard dealt with their enemies.
The girl could have given Fergus his answers as she lay dying at their feet.
It would have been better that way, and it would have sated her bloodlust.
What is happening to me?
The question came from her conscience, it swam up unbidden. She pushed such thoughts away.
This is who I am, she thought, I'm still a bard after all. The game is my life.
She hated to admit it, but there it was.
Marjolaine had been right, they were the same.
That thought liberated her…
…and…terrified her.
IOI
The wardens moved quickly away from the sight of the battle. They barely stayed long enough to scavenge what they could from the dead.
Alim was slowly regaining his ability to move, Wynne identified the toxin as a type of mage's bane. She had seen the effects before during the war with Orlais.
The group had lost no one, but they had suffered. Fergus, Kally, Zevran and Seri were all wounded. Morrigan and Wynne taxes themselves healing what they could, and even then just enough to get the group moving.
They were still too close to Highever. If Fergus's sister returned with reinforcements, they would all be in danger.
The knight was more than down hearted about this, his sister…fighting on the side of their enemies.
He prayed to the Maker that it wasn't so.
The group fled quickly down the north road, they hoped to reach Kinloch Hold, and hopefully the protection of the Circle of Magi.
Loghain would not risk openly antagonizing the circle, not after the business with Uldred had failed so spectacularly.
It was quite dark when the wardens finally decided to stop and rest. No fires would be lit tonight; they cast too much light out here in the open. Though spring had arrived cold air still sent the temperature falling at night, and without a cloud in the sky, and no moon, they would just have to tough it out, and wait for the dawn.
It was going to be a long cold night.
IOI
Alim wrapped his cloak tighter around himself; he shivered as he made his way past the demoralized camp. He hoped to reach the circle of magi by tomorrow evening, if they were lucky.
The battle had cost the group much. Everyone was tired from the long march, and Bodahn had lost much of supplies to an Amaranthine fire arrow. Food and supplies would be scarce, until they could resupply again, hopefully at the circle.
The elf's brow furrowed.
He did not like to lose. They had survived, but only just, and now they knew that they had a Cousland hunting them. That knowledge ate at Fergus most of all, Alim could not imagine what the fallen noble was feeling right now.
Of course, he was not doing well with other people's feelings at the moment.
He glimpses Leliana standing apart from the others, staring coldly out into the black knight. Seeing her like this, enduring the coldness that had seeped into her heart…he…he…
His ears lowered.
He could not do this anymore!
He had given her space after Marjolaine died, gave her time to let her mourn and heal, but…where she was now, what Fergus had told him after the battle…
He needed to speak with her now. She had been there for him after Belle had died. He understood the thin line between love and hate.
Marjolaine had been an important part of her life. Now that the bitch was gone…Leliana might have been drifting, feeling lost.
He thought that he would be able to help.
He hoped that he would be able to help
He headed in her direction.
He needed to try.
IOI
She saw him approaching; part of her hoped that he would just stay away!
Leliana shook her head, when did she start thinking like that? She…she loved Alim, and he loved her.
Maybe that was why…
She no longer felt worthy of that love, he…he did not want her; he could not want her like this.
Still it would do no good to let him know that, she would try to bluff her way out of this, let him think she still needed time.
Time to pull away from him, to save him from what she truly was, that is what she needed right now.
She put on her most cheery smile, even though it did not touch her eyes.
She turned to their leader.
"Oh hello," she purred.
He smiled slightly.
"Hello, I…I thought you might want to talk?"
"I'm fine, really," she sighed, "I was just thinking."
"Do share," he replied.
She pursed her lips, another lie started to form on her lips, but the look in his eyes, the hope on his face.
That lie died unsaid.
She let out a shuddering breath; his look of concern grew deeper.
"It is about her isn't it? This is about Marjolaine?
She shook her head, wanting to deny it, but found that she couldn't. Something in his manner tore through her defenses.
She gave him a sad look.
"It is all quite…disturbing," she said, "I…I spent years in the chantry, trying to forget what I once was, and now…now I know that she never forgot about me, that she spent all that time planning, expecting me to seek my revenge. She…she thought that I still wanted her dead."
"That was who she was," he shrugged.
And who I am, she thought miserably.
"She was self-serving," the bard continued, "Cruel…but she needed to be, because that was the only way she could survive in the life she led. She…"
A whimper escaped her throat; a single tear fell from her eyes. He started to take her into his arms, but she stopped him with a raised hand.
She feared that she would break his heart, she did not want that…but she saw no way around it.
"We're the same," she murmured, "Marjolaine and I."
"How can you say that?" he asked, his ears rising in surprise.
"When we…when I killed her, part of me welcomed her death, savored it even, and then again…fighting Fergus' sister, that old hunger came back!"
She shook her head.
"I love the game, the blood and the excitement, I always have. I tried to forget back in Lothering, but…"
She shivered hugging herself tight.
"I should have just stayed in the chantry."
"You came out here to help people," he reminded her.
"Did I?"
"You said the Maker wanted you to do this."
She suddenly turned angry.
"I could have been wrong about the Maker! You doubt me sometimes, I know that much. Perhaps you are right, what if I'm only pretending that he is there?!"
His eyes widened.
"Leliana don't lose faith."
"Faith," she almost laughed, "What if I never had faith Alim? What if I only claimed to because I knew the chantry was the only place that would take me. Because…because I had nowhere else to go after I left Orlais, because I did not wish to be alone!"
"You are not alone Leli."
"But I was," she murmured, tears running down her cheeks, "I was so alone after Marjolaine. The chantry took me in, but it can't change what I was, the life, the world Marjolaine introduced me to, don't you see, it ruined her. It is ruining me too, it has already happened?"
She put her face in her hands.
"I rejoice in death, what kind of person am I?"
He pulled her to him then, taking her into his arms, she whimpered and tried to slip away but he did not let her.
He would not let her go.
"You want to know what kind of a person you are?"
She nodded against his shoulder.
He smiled slightly.
"You are a good person Leliana."
She pulled back, a look of shock on her face.
"How can you even say that?" she demanded.
"From experience."
"Alim?"
"Please let me explain."
She fell silent.
He took a deep breath.
"How can you be a good person, there are several reasons. First you left Lothering to help people, whether your visions from the Maker are from him or something else doesn't matter, they guide and drive you to do better, to help and protect those who need it. A bad person would have had me kill the werewolves to save the Dalish, not because it was right or wrong, but because it was easy. A bad person would have suggested that I keep the Anvil of the Void for myself. An opportunistic person might have suggested that I help the Templar purge the circle, but you did none of those things. You sought to save everyone that could be saved, and you motivated me to do the same."
She considered what he had said, his words made sense. She had felt temptation to do what was easy and best for them, but she had not, she had not even suggested it, but…but that did not mean…
"But what if I'm lying to myself Lim, what if I am only pretending to be like that, what if it is all just an act?"
He chuckled.
"Which brings me to my second point; I never met a bad person in my life that worried about not being good. Those people did not consider what effect their decisions had on others, only feeding their own appetites. Zathrian, Loghain, Branka, Uldred, and Marjolaine, they did not care who they hurt to get what they wanted…"
He gently stroked her cheek, she sobbed leaning into this gentle touch.
"Alim," she whimpered.
"You do care about people Leliana," he cooed, "There is a darkness in you, I do not deny that, but you don't let it control you, you are fighting to protect your soul, to keep it and your heart safe. I may not have much faith in the Maker, but I do have faith…"
He smiled.
"I have faith in you."
She leaned against him, tears flowing unbidden, mourning Marjolaine, mourning what she had been feeling the last few days, but mostly, taking comfort from him, the man who loved her, who saw the good in her even when she didn't.
She broke their embrace, and wiped her tears.
"Thank you," she murmured.
"For what?"
"For your love and your understanding," she replied, "You have…you have given me much to think about."
She leaned in and kissed him chastely.
"Will you come to me tonight?" he asked.
She gave him a warm smile.
"I have promised Zevran I would take his watch while he recovers," she said, "I cannot go back on my word."
"Even for a night of sinful comfort?" he asked slyly.
"Do not try and tempt me dearest," she said lightly, "Not after what you have just said to me."
He chuckled.
"Can't blame a guy for trying."
She laughed lightly, and kissed him on the cheek.
"I will see you when you wake."
She headed back to camp to relieve Morrigan from watch.
Alim stared at her, not too much of a gentleman to enjoy the view.
She was an interesting woman his Leliana, pious in her way, but not too pious. She cared about people and that made her good…
…Just not too good.
He returned to his tent, it would be strange sleeping alone, but it was just for one night, and he would not deny Leli doing what she thought was right.
That is why he loved her so, her darkness and light, all combined into a pretty little package. She cared for everyone, but she loved him, he was grateful for that…
That is why I'm hers, he thought with a pleased look on his face.
That's my girl.