Chapter 115: No Regrets
"This may have been a mistake, Warden."
Alim frowned. He had expected at least one of their little group to dispute his most recent decision. Maker knew, it was not the most popular thing he had ever done, but at the same time…he made no excuses for it.
He sighed heavily.
"Wynne, I'm not going to apologize for this. The Arl asked my opinion and I gave it."
His elven ears twitched with irritation, not at her, but at the situation. This was not something he had done lightly.
He shook his head.
Why couldn't the others see the value of this? The logic of his decision was not that hard to follow. They would soon be in Denerim, in the very belly of the beast.
He would need every weapon at their disposal if they were to be victorious over the Teyrn. He had not done this to hurt the Arl or anyone else…
He had done this…because it was needed.
The Arl and their party were currently camped not far from Kinloch Hold. The route past the circle was the only road still open to travelers; the darkspawn horde had for the most part overrun much of southern Ferelden. If not for the circle, the darkspawn might very well have overrun this route as well.
Alim glanced out across the sea of tents.
One thing he could say, Arl Eamon did not anything half way. He travelled with a huge company of men; men that only grew in number as the passed the holdings of the Arl's allies.
The elf almost smiled.
Loghain would be a fool to try and attack such a procession. Not only would it show that he was the villain the wardens thought him to be, but it would likely be an exercise in futility.
For the moment, the initiative was theirs, when they reached the capital however…
He frowned again.
All of Loghain's schemes were centered in Denerim. It was there that the Teyrn needed to be defeated. They would need to walk into Loghain's center of power, and rip it from his grasp…
Alim's ears twitched.
That was easier said than done.
Several of the Arl's men walked past them, most still looked upon him with respect. The warden name and what he had done more than enough to gain their trust.
Of course, not everyone agreed, some thought him reckless, and all they needed to do to prove that, was look at the warden camp and their newest acquisition.
Alim glanced up.
Jowan was sitting next to Seri and Zevran. The dark haired mage noticed his friend's attention and nodded.
Alim nodded back.
No, bringing Jowan along was not the most popular decision, but still he stood by it…
It had been…the right choice.
IOI
Before they had begun this journey, the Arl had summoned Alim and Alistair to the throne room. The two of them had done so much for Redcliffe already, having saved the lives of so many of the people, not to mention the Arl himself…
Eamon felt they deserved to be there for what came next.
They stood at his side when Ser Perth had brought in the prisoner.
Alim winced.
Jowan walked beside the knights, his hands bound painfully. He did not even try to meet his old friend's eyes.
Alim sighed.
This had been a long time coming.
"Jowan," the Arl had begun, "By your own admission, you stand her accused of attempted assassination, and set it motion the events that nearly destroyed everyone in Redcliffe."
Eamon glared coldly at the mage.
"Do you have anything to say in your defense?"
Jowan shifted his feet nervously.
"No Milord," he murmured, "I have no excuse for the things I have done."
"Very well," the Arl said nodding grimly.
He turned to Alim.
"Warden, I understand you knew the prisoner before all this?"
"That is correct, Your Grace," he said.
"Knowing this man as you do what would you have me do with him? What punishment fits the crimes he has committed?"
Alim winced.
Jowan glanced up at him, their eyes meeting again for the first time.
He saw only regret in Jowan's eyes; the trapped animal look he had worn when he had fled the circle all those months ago was gone.
The elf shuddered.
His old friend looked tired. He would no doubt accept any punishment the warden suggested. He either had faith that his old friend would do what was right, or he was simply tired of trying to run away from his mistakes.
Either way, there was no easy way around this.
He glanced up at the Arl.
Alim had no children; he could not imagine the pain of losing one. The cries of his own mother so long ago came to mind, but that could not affect his judgment.
He needed to weigh the evidence, and decide the best course of action.
The warden sighed.
"Under normal circumstances, Your Grace," he began, "I would suggest that Jowan be returned to the Circle of Magi, he committed crimes against the circle and the chantry during his escape. He should answer to those who understand those crimes best."
Jowan shuddered.
"Well said, Warden," Eamon nodded, "It is decided then…"
Alim's ears twitched.
"I was not finished, Your Grace," he said.
The Arl paused. Alistair gave Alim a shocked look.
"Lim? What are you…?"
The elf sighed.
"I am doing what is right Alistair," he said, "Under normal circumstances, Jowan would need to be returned to the Circle, but these are far from normal circumstances."
Jowan blinked.
"Alim, what are you…?"
"I'm doing what I must old friend," he said, "and yes…despite everything that has happened, I do still consider you a friend, but you do deserve punishment, or at the least, a chance to repay those that you have wronged. "
Again he sighed.
He turned to face the Arl.
"Your Grace," he began, "As Commander of the Grey, and in the name of the Grey Wardens, I hereby invoke the right of Conscription."
The Arl's eyes widened.
"Warden…you…you…"
Alim's eyes narrowed.
"This is no reward, Your Grace," he said flatly, "Our joining is often fatal, if Jowan fails, he dies and justice has been served. If he lives…"
Alim's ears twitched, he thought about what he had learned from Alistair recently. The nightmares, the greatly shortened life span…
No, this was not a mercy; not in his eyes. Jowan would answer for everything he had done.
The wardens would either redeem or destroy his old friend, either way…
…Justice would be done.
He turned to Jowan.
"Back in the Circle," he said, "You used me. You used Lily."
Jowan winced at the mention of his former lover.
Alim gave him a stern look.
"Now I shall use you. You will answer for your crimes. This is your punishment."
He walked up to his old friend.
"I think you can make up for what you did, that you can be better. Prove me right, for yourself…
He smiled slightly.
"For Lily," he added.
Jowan shuddered, Alim feared for a moment that he would try to resist, but when his friend finally met his eyes again, there was only grim acceptance.
"For Lily," he said.
Alim nodded.
"Welcome to the Grey Wardens…brother."
IOI
"You risked much with this decision, dear," Wynne reminded him.
Alim shook his head.
"It was not a mercy Wynne," he said, "Trust me on that."
The elder mage snorted. She was a sharp old lady. He knew that she knew more about the wardens then most inside their party.
He wondered if she had known about the side effects of the joining before. If she had, would she have told him?
He could not say for certain. Wynne's motivations were not always easy to gauge.
She gave him a sad look.
"You look tired dear," she said, "Leliana mentioned that something was bothering you? Is everything all right?"
Alim chuckled mirthlessly.
No, he thought, everything was not all right.
Everything was so far from all right.
He did not overestimate their chances with the Archdemon, but still…part of him clung to the hope that they might just be victorious. That hopeful part of him, had dreamed of what might come after. What might be, once the Blight was defeated?
He smiled slightly.
Most of those dreams involved Leliana what the two of them might share given the chance.
He sighed again.
"She had mentioned wanting to travel, to see Thedas. He could not deny that that idea had at least some appeal, the two of them together, travelling. Surely ending a Blight would be enough for the Chantry to grant him free mage status.
Once those journeys were done, who knew, perhaps they could find some semblance of a normal life together? Perhaps they might even try to settle down somewhere, somewhere safe…
It was a dream, and a good one.
It was hope in its purest form.
The elf shook his head.
The truth of taint had killed all those hopes.
He would never know peace; the taint would always pull him towards the darkness. He…he did not want Leliana caught up in that. He loved her, but she…she…
His ears twitched.
She…deserved better than that…
…better than him.
He wanted to tell Wynne about that, but it…it was just too big. He had no words for the loss of his hopes, his dreams.
Alim shook his head.
He would love Leliana, stay at her side, at least for now, but when this was all over…
He could not say what would happen.
He wanted to confess all this to Wynne, but he couldn't…
It…it was just too big.
"I am tired," he admitted, "And I…I suppose I have regrets. I…don't get me wrong, I'm proud of what we have accomplished, but still…"
He sighed.
"There are things that are now lost to me."
He paused, expecting her to lecture him about his duties again.
That lecture…never came.
She gave him that sad smile of hers.
"Regret is an old companion of mine as well," she said, "I try not to let it weigh me down too much."
She shook her head.
"Life is too short to give into that."
Alim chuckled.
"For some of us, shorter than others."
She smiled wanly.
His eyes widened, he feared that he had insulted her. After all, the spirit inside her…she was living on borrowed time.
"Wynne…I…I am…"
He was about to apologize, but she stopped him with a raised hand.
"No apologies are necessary," she said, "I would not change what has happened to me. I have lived a good life, a full life. When my end comes, I will not lament it."
She chuckled.
"I have travelled in the presence of heroes and legends. I can't ask for anything more."
Alim chuckled.
"I wouldn't call us legends, Wynne."
The elder mage smiled.
"Give it time, dear," she said.
"Give it time."
Alim sighed.
"Do you have any regrets?"
She sighed.
"Only one truly weighs upon me," she said, "It…it doesn't matter anymore."
He smiled slightly.
"I'm willing to listen, if you want to talk."
The old woman smirked.
"I'm sure you have better things to do then listen to me natter on."
The elf shrugged.
"I asked didn't I? I'm willing to listen, if you would like?"
The old woman nodded.
"Very well, then," she said, "Years ago, I was mentor to…"
"Hey, Warden!"
Wynne paused.
Alim's eyes narrowed.
There was always something.
"Yes, Oghren?" he sighed.
The Dwarven berserker stood before him, looking more nervous than either mage had ever seen him.
They glanced at each other.
Curiosity replaced any sense of irritation.
"I…um…I was wondering if you could…um…help me with something," the dwarf said.
Alim glanced at Wynne.
"We will finish our talk later," she promised.
"You sure?" he asked.
"Yes," she said, "We have the time, Oghren needs something."
She smirked again.
"I won't deny that curious about what that is."
Alim sighed.
It seemed like he would have to hear about Wynne's regret another day.
"You're certain?" he repeated.
Yes, now go, shoo off with you."
Alim chuckled.
"Yes, ma'am." He said offering her a quick salute.
He turned face his dwarven companion. He was pleased at least one of their party wasn't avoiding him over the whole Jowan thing.
He took a deep breath, and centered himself.
There would be time for regret later, now he had things to do.
The job of a warden is never done, he thought with a shake of his head.
Lucky me.