Fire Breeder
You'd be surprised how many people don't know how to make a fire. It used to be what separated us from the animals, now most people would be screwed if they ever had to live in caves again. In fact, most people couldn't tell you what fire really is, other than the hot bright stuff that lights the end of their cigarette. Even those pud-pulling fucks who fancy themselves pyro-maniacs couldn't tell you the first thing about what makes a fire burn, what it eats, how it breathes. They might tell you they see visions in the flames or the face of god, but not one of them knows that fire is a living, breathing, thing. That's why people call those fuck heads fire-bugs, because that's what they are. Goddamn pests. That's why I don't consider myself a Firestarter. Because I don't start fires, I breed them.
Any good dictionary will tell you that fire is defined as a chemical reaction which creates heat and light. An exothermic combination of some kind of combustible with oxygen. Fire is born from heat, oxygen and fuel. Other than the need for water, that's pretty much how all living things manage to live. The chemical reaction of fire is basically oxidization, energy being released or absorbed by oxygen combining with carbon to make water and carbon dioxide. This is the same chemical reaction that makes metal rust and corrode. If you think about it, rust is just fire in slow motion. How many pyros could tell you that? This is the same process that makes explosions too, only the heat is created faster than it's released thus creating the aggressive expansion. Fire eats fuel, breathes oxygen, and gives off heat. Once you know that, you can burn just about anything. Once you make it, you feed it, but you can't just shove a log down its throat, you have to give it small things to eat; tinder is what they call it. Then when it's big enough you give it kindling. Then you give it the big stuff. If you want to really burn stuff, you've got to raise your fire right.
Did you know I'm a registered fire marshal? When your life is bringing fires into the world, you have to know how to protect them from those who want to take them out. I've been through all kinds of training from fire safety to fire fighting. I know how to collect evidence after a fire to determine what started it. This is how you can know the best way to grow your fire and how to keep it alive. If you can, get a good look at the place you want to start. Inspect the area. Look for places fires can catch naturally and which can be accommodated easily. Think about the most logical path your fire will take and how you can lead it to more food or oxygen. Look for sprinkler systems and smoke detectors. If you can, shut the water off or damage the pipes close to the ground to kill the pressure. Smoke detectors can either be smashed or if you want to be discreet, just pull the batteries and put them back. If it's a commercial building, find the supply room and see what kinds to chemicals they keep. This will help you with leading the fire. The most common flammables are Acetone or polish remover, Ethyl Alcohol which is similar to rubbing alcohol, fuel Oil No. 1 which is basically kerosene and can be found in insecticides, lighter fluid, and portable heaters. Most commercial places have a heating system and you can find diesel fuel in some of them. If the place is being worked on look for buckets of lacquer and lacquer thinner. It's like my daddy used to tell me before he went to prison for supposedly burning his office down, "Work smart, not hard. Possibilities are everywhere you look."
The modern world is full of combustibles if you keep that in mind. Most people are so goddamned obvious. They think gas or lighter fluid when there are endless combinations and options available to the knowledgeable fire breeder. For instance, most think gasoline when it comes to fire, but gas evaporates pretty damn quickly, as do most flammable liquids. But if you mix it with something that thickens it without dampening it, you've got a much more manageable fuel. Mix some Styrofoam with your gas to thicken it into napalm. Vaseline mixes well with a lot of fuels and is pretty common. Just a cotton ball thick with Vaseline will burn for hours. If you can get paraffin wax, mix it with sawdust or dryer lint. One of my favorite tricks I call the birthday cake. I came up with it in high school right around the time the gym burned down mysteriously. You get a nice big wad of paraffin and sawdust and stick a bunch of those "trick" candles that don't blow out in small divots you make with your finger and fill them in with the fuel of your choice. For the final touch, bury an aerosol can of cooking oil inside the cake to give it a nice bang. This stuff is simple if you take the time to think about it.
If you're the burn and run type who doesn't have the patience to plan the fire, there are simple fire bombs you can make from house hold items. A tennis ball filled with strike-anywhere match heads is easy enough, you can even make a pull trigger for it by using the strike pad from the matchbox and a key ring. Use matches wrapped in cotton soaked in lighter fluid or even olive oil, and then plastic wrap the whole thing together. Or you can scrape the heads of the matches and fill plastic straws with the powder, capping them each off with a match and wrapping them with the soaked cotton and plastic. A friend of mine used to leave a lit cigarette on a book of matches near flammables, until he got caught for leaving his DNA on the butt of the cigarette. Another guy I knew used to fill milk jugs with gas and plug the mouth with clothes to make a nice Molotov. Unfortunately he used his own clothes and they got hair fibers from them which got him locked up. You'd be surprised how easy it is to slip up on those kinds of things. You think fire destroys evidence, but they can lift prints and pull DNA off of burned places just as easy as anywhere else. Patience and care are the keys to success in any profession. That's what kept me out of jail and allowed me to continue my work for so long.
What about casualties you might ask? People make a great fuel to be honest. Most people are walking fire bombs. The clothes they wear and all the chemical products they cover themselves with makes them no different than the match bombs I told you about earlier. Better, even, because they will panic and run around, spreading the fire better than I ever could. For example, when I was a kid, there was this coach who liked to get touchy with the kids in the locker room. Well, I found out where he lived. He had this big ugly cat with long fur and I let it out and brought it home with me. I sprayed my mom's hair spray into its fur for hours, combing it through gently. Once that cat was so full of chemicals it made your eyes water just holding it, I took it back that night, lit the tail with my Bic, and hurled it through an open window. That cat was a flaming comet before it even disappeared through that window and it started screaming like a lady getting knifed. It ran through that house like a bat out of hell and spread the fire so fast, that coach had no choice but to jump out of his bedroom window on the second floor, breaking his back and paralyzing him for life. Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy if you ask me. People like to ask me how many I've killed in my fires, and I always say the same thing. Who cares? People are great as potential fuel, they can be helpful to your fire but they could also turn into heroes and cut it short with an extinguisher or water hose. That's why I always sabotage the extinguishers and hoses beforehand to remedy this. That goes double for the hydrants on the street.
Fire fighters always pose a threat, but there are ways to protect your fires from these interlopers. Breaking or sealing hydrants with blowtorches or hammers is one way. You can set up booby traps, such as bullets and shotgun shells placed in strategic areas. Most fires aren't hot enough to set them off so make sure you spike them with phosphorus from fireworks or road flares. Blocking and sealing doors to keep them out is another easy defense. Setting up makeshift road spikes on the streets with boards and nails. I once went into a fire station in my old home town and replaced all the water in their reserve water tank with gasoline. When those idiots pulled up to a fire at my teacher's house and whipped out their hose, they just about had a heart attack when their fire hose turned into the world's biggest flamethrower. Get to know your local fire department, both where it is and where they take calls from. Get a good idea of the routes they take and how long it takes them to get to a certain point. This will make it easier to outsmart them and keep them guessing.
I thought fire fighters would be the only thing to worry about other than changes in wind direction or a sudden rain, until Batman that is. I had this huge plan laid out. I worked for months as a contractor in Gotham, sabotaging fire prevention methods, leaving combustibles inside walls, blocking fire exits by turning the doors around so they open inward. I worked for most of a year getting this place ready. It was going to be my masterpiece. As soon as the wind was high enough and blowing the right way, I started it off, taking out fire hydrants along the way. This city would have burned flat too, the weather was perfect and the fire was growing faster than I could have hoped for. But the Batman, he figured it out somehow. Figured out I'd been setting this town up through my contracting work. He managed to undo a lot of the work I'd done, enough to stop the spread anyway, and he even used some crazy gadgets to help put the fires out. Where does he get that crap? It's not as though it's on the market! It was still the biggest fire in Gotham's history and over 200 buildings were damaged or destroyed and I don't remember how many died. Maybe for some people that would be enough, but I find myself thinking about the fire it could have been in a perfect world. Confidentially, there are still quite a few fire-ready buildings in Gotham they never found, just waiting for a spark or an accident to set them off. I can't tell you how happy it makes me to know my work is still out there waiting to bring life to new fires. Keeps me warm at night.
You're probably wondering why I do it. Why do I breed fires and destroy people's lives? Well if you have to ask, you've probably never burned anything bigger than a match. Fire was a gift from the gods, mankind's birthright. Fire has always been power. Those who control it can shape the world. I don't do it for money or insurance fraud like some of these assholes. I don't get off on it either. The power I get from it goes way deeper than that. The keeper of the flame has always been a sacred duty. Fire is pure. It doesn't hate, it doesn't play favorites. Fire is as blind as justice itself. I've gotten bitten more than a few times myself, mostly when I was younger and still learning the ropes. Fire is the great equalizer. Fire brings everything back to zero. Fire can kill you or it can save your life. Its ruins things but it also purifies them. I'm a fire breeder because I love fire. It's my passion. My art. My compulsion. And if you think me being locked up means my work is over, just remember; everything burns.