CHAPTER 10 : FROM MOLEHILL TO A MOUNTAIN
Arthur had never seen Merlin so upset. He had seemed annoyed but never let his feelings show. Arthur realised that it was more than just having to face the annoyances in the residence but it was all tied up in a dream he had of attending Oxford. It seemed that he had taken everything in stride but maybe not. Arthur had not realised how deeply it had affected him, he felt rotten. He obviously could have given him even more support had he realised he needed it.
He held him until he pulled away of his own accord. Arthur said, "We have to see this through, we'll do it together…Dr Malloy said that I might be called before the committee so I should consider going to them sooner than later."
Taking a deep breath, Merlin said, "I remember seeing those two files on Claudio's desk way back in Michaelmas and I'm sure that mine was the skinny folder with only one sheet in it while the other was thick, probably contained some interesting information…" Merlin said trying hard to smile but not really accomplishing it.
"Merlin, you have nothing to worry about, you will never be considered the instigator rather the unwilling victim of someone with a warped mind. It will all come out and if those pictures are incriminating…then sooner than later."
"Easy for you to say, someone isn't getting into your room and doing disgusting things. I haven't forgotten the trashing episode and I know that there were things done which you and the college kept hidden from me."
Arthur had the decency to look uncomfortable, "It was for your benefit."
"I'm not stupid, I could see the worried look on your face before using my bathroom as if there might be something unpleasant in there. I don't want to know but it is not forgotten and that was why Drake let you go into my room after Baxter left, so you could check up on things before I went in."
-0-0-
It had been building up over three terms and finally it was unbearable for him trying as he was to keep up with his accelerated studies. He wouldn't admit it but he was becoming less and less enamoured with Oxford. He wanted the freedom to study, spend time in the library and Dining Hall without the feeling that he was always being watched. He hated the thought that he was putting his friends in jeopardy. He wanted to loiter on the staircase, not forever being conscious of anyone nearby; he wanted to return to his room at any hour of the day or night, knowing that it would be as he had left it a home away from home.
He'd never shared these feelings with Arthur as he hadn't wanted to make himself appear even more needy. He knew that Arthur's and his relationship was solid and felt guilty holding things back; nevertheless Arthur didn't need to add a full time babysitting job to his heavy schedule.
They would be all right once this mess was cleared up, he would have a weight lifted off his shoulders and the rest of the term would be plain sailing.
-0-0-
Arthur mentioned nothing more about the business situation between the two families and Merlin didn't know if he had gone ahead with his plan to talk to Dr. Malloy.
Merlin in the meantime, had rigged up a security system of his own, fundamental but nevertheless workable in his room. He had purchased a baby monitor. The small camera unit was on the shelf pointing towards the door and one half of his room. It gave him a little more confidence.
Unbeknownst to him, the college had also installed two small security cameras over the Exit sign at the top of the stairs, one facing the stairs and the other facing down Merlin's corridor.
If Arthur had known he would have laughed saying, "Not unlike shutting the stable door once the horse has bolted."
Things seemed to settle down, Merlin came over for supper on the Thursday. They spent the weekend together and thoroughly enjoy themselves. Merlin seemed to Arthur much more his normal self and neither of them had heard anything from the college regarding the Baxter situation.
Arthur knew that once it was all stirred up again, Merlin would become more stressed, wanted to do something special for him, he made a few telephone calls.
The following Thursday, Arthur who had still not head from the committee after his talk with Dr. Malloy, said that he had plans immediately following his last tutorials. It was therefore, decided that Merlin would pick up a takeaway on his way to the condo.
-0-0-
Merlin let himself into Arthur's place and made his way to the empty kitchen putting the takeaway on the table before making his way down the hall to Arthur's room.
"Hugo? Thank Goodness! I've been waiting all day. What's the matter with you? We agreed upon noon. Do you just make a habit of coming late to annoy me? I explained that I was on a tight schedule as Merlin will be here soon!"
Merlin froze! Hadn't Hugo been Arthur's boyfriend? He remembered Laurence saying that all Arthur's old boyfriends remained friends with him.
Without giving Arthur the benefit of the doubt, Merlin's insecurities took over and he quietly left. He was heartbroken and frightened as his world was shattered. Slowly he had accepted that Arthur honestly liked him and he was becoming more in tune with the idea that within the next two years, he might leave the Residence and take up Arthur's offer of sharing the condo. In a split second all that faded. Arthur must have been laughing at him and was just marking time before adding him to his list of conquests. He felt as though he couldn't breath. His heart was still Arthur's but his mind was setting itself up as the opposition, reminding him one after another of obstacles.
He made his way to the lift and had to wait. The door opened and a blond was trying to manoeuvre a large table sized flat packet that must have been because it was unwieldy, difficult to carry. Merlin held the door open as the man came out sideways resting one side of the parcel on the floor. He smiled and thanked Merlin saying, "Boyfriends! They expect you to drop everything at their beck and call. He'll be paying for this..." with a grin and knowing nod of his head, he once again grabbed the parcel and walked down the hallway.
Merlin let the lift doors close before hiding around the corner. His worries came true as the man stopped at the end of the corridor and banged on the door. He heard him say, "Delivery Man, Arthur! Come and git it!"
He heard Arthur's voice say something he couldn't catch and the man laughing in response, the door opened and closed. The awfulness of the situation struck Merlin forcibly. He couldn't risk going down in the lift in case some kind person asked if he was all right and he wouldn't able to control his emotions. He slipped into the stairwell. He sat on the top step trying to get his brain to stop racing and face the facts. Finally, after what seemed like an hour, he stood up and made his way downstairs to the main lobby and like a scared rabbit hightailed it back to the Residence.
-0-0-
It was only when he closed the door to his own room that he let himself relax. He'd been steeling himself since leaving Arthur's flat. His jog back had given him another half hour to think. Once in the building, he'd refused another resident's invitation to join a group going to the pub, by lying that he had a paper with which he wasn't entirely satisfied and wanted to do further research on one point. The other chap nodded, that was a frequently heard reason for passing on a night out especially this final term.
He let himself slide down the door and sat with his head on his knees. He blamed himself. There was no one to blame but him. He'd been stupid and childlike trusting a stranger with his heart. He smiled sadly, before sitting up and leaning against the door banging his head as he said quietly, "Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!"
He wished Gawaine was there. He would have given him the support he needed to continue living a normal life and not shrink back into his shell. Right now, he needed a friend more than ever. They could have messed around regressing to being teenagers without a care in the world. He missed those happy years.
He argued with himself, 'I have friends, Arthur isn't…' he paused and wiped his eyes, '... the only man in the world!' His heart skipped a beat as he knew he was kidding himself as even if Arthur didn't realise or appreciate it, he had control of Merlin's heart and soul which he had freely given in return for love.
He heard the others trooping off to the pub and stood, making his way to the bed. Taking off his coat he tossing it haphazardly over his desk before toeing off his shoes and throwing himself on the bed and wrapping himself in his duvet which his mother had insisted he took with him to Uni. He remembered Gaius kidding him that it was a security blanket before acknowledging that he wasn't sure if it were for Merlin or for his mother. Hunith had smiled thinking that Gaius was maybe right, maybe it was a little of both but it would keep Merlin warm should he be cold.
He fell asleep and later woke wonderIng if Arthur had ever found the takeaway on the kitchen table. He allowed himself to wallow in pity as he imagined that Arthur and Hugo had probably eaten it after they had finished whatever Hugo's 'come and git it!' had meant. He relished in a childish guilt as he said to the empty room, "Hope it poisoned both of them!"
He later got up, undressed and made himself a hot chocolate and returned to bed. He propped himself up against the headboard and opened his phone. He had eleven calls and three texts from Arthur and had a certain satisfaction in deleting each one of them unread.
Unbeknownst to him, the Delivery Man had reached the lobby before Merlin had even left the stairwell.
-0-0-
Arthur was worried. He knew that Merlin had been at the flat as they planned to have a takeaway and binge on their latest favourite TV serial. The food was on the table but Merlin was nowhere to be found.
Arthur knew that many of his friends had their eyes on Merlin but he also knew Merlin and was certain that he would never have gone off with anyone else unless coerced.
Arthur was alone in the flat as Laurence had returned to Liverpool for the weekend as it was his mother's birthday. Where had Merlin disappeared to or more importantly why had he left the flat before speaking to him?
He was a little disappointed as he had arranged for a surprise. Slowly, it dawned on him. The noise he had heard in the flat had been Merlin and he had mistaken him for Hugo. He racked his brain, he knew he'd called out to Hugo but upon coming into the living area found out that no one was there. He thought, 'What in hell's name had he said that might have upset Merlin enough to cause him to leave?'
He got his phone and called him. It was not turned on. He had made Merlin promise to always keep his phone on so that he could reach him. He checked the time, no way was he in a evening lecture and unable to take a call. He didn't count the number of times he called before reverting to text messages.
He waited...no response then deciding that his first text of 'Where the hell are you?' was a little terse, so he sent another one, referring to the presence of the takeaway but not the dinner guest…still no response.
It wasn't like Merlin to ignore him, he usually answered quickly often with a remark about his having a life of his own and being quite capable of separated the sheep from the goats when it came to friends and acquaintances. However tonight, there were no quick retorts as his texts went unanswered.
Arthur cringed, the serial they had been planning to watch had made references to the fact that seventy-two percent of all young gay men experienced being followed and propositioned by strangers. What if Merlin had met up with someone who wouldn't take, 'Get lost!' as an answer and had taken him against his will?
Arthur shook his head, he was letting his imagination run wild, Oxford was a safer than normal place and Merlin wouldn't have gone off courting danger…yet where in the hell was he?
Suddenly, a name popped into his head. If anything had happened to Merlin, he would first check that bastard Baxter.
-0-0-
Merlin decided to lie low and wait for his courses to be over. He avoided get togethers in the residence and always make his way home at the earliest possible opportunity. He blocked Arthur on his phone and deleted anything he sent by e-mail without reading it.
At one point he thought that he was maybe being childish, they were after all both adults and if Arthur wanted to renew a relationship with a former boyfriend that was his prerogative. Arthur and he had no understanding, it hadn't seemed necessary as they both knew how the other felt. Merlin paused before thinking, 'Well, he had thought that they did! How could he have been that stupid?'
He paused thinking of the number of hours they had been in each other's company, they had always set aside one evening a week for themselves, to stay home and have a meal and then watch something together. Arthur would then drive him back to his college. They also attended concerts by the music faculty. With so many students in one area, there were always interesting exhibits and talks to attend. Merlin realised that for the last five days, he had not glanced at other students on their way to lectures worried that he might see Arthur as their paths crossed.
Sitting alone at his desk, Merlin realised that what he missed most was Arthur being beside him. Seldom, had they spent time with their eyes glued to the TV screen usually they chatted back and forth and then picked up the action again, laughing if they hadn't the slightest idea of what was now happening.
He loved the idea of having someone to talk to who knew him from before Oxford. They had memories together of life beyond Oxford. He'd smiled when people in his residence had commented upon Arthur's white Porsche. One chap had said, "Wouldn't mind finding myself a friend like that, how did you meet up with him?"
Merlin had smiled and said confidently, "I've known him for years, friend of the family!"
"Well, when you tire of him, send him my way, will you?"
"Not going to happen!" Merlin had said laughing.
He thought now of how much he would like to see that Opal coming into the parking area, with its driver smiling at him.
However, although he didn't know it, it wasn't likely to happen as Arthur had left Oxford Friday afternoon as soon as his last lecture was over. He saw no use in staying around waiting to hear from Merlin as he knew that Merlin was independent and quite happy with his own company. He had no intention of giving up on him, he just needed time to get his mind straight and then plan a course of action to see Merlin again and set things right.
-0-0-
He remembered telling Arthur things about growing up. He'd told him one evening that he had never had a friend in school until he had met Gawaine at St. Edward's'. His scholastic ability had ostracised him from the other students and his determination to achieve even at the earliest age had put off many boys in his level from approaching him. He had little in common with them and was quite happy with his studies.
Merlin was watching the deer out his window, he smiled to himself, Gawaine had been different, he'd happily accepted the help that Merlin had offered with his studies and he had become a changed character, surprising even his father with his final marks and a place at Liverpool University.
His mind started to wander and he realised to his horror that he was thinking of Laurence and then Arthur at Scarborough. He snapped out of it. He had plenty to offer the right person and if Arthur wasn't to be the one, maybe when he finished his degree, he'd meet up with someone else. First things first though as his studies were of foremost importance.
The hardest time was when he was lying in bed before falling asleep. He had the strongest feeling that he had abandoned Arthur. That he had been wrong and that there was a sensible explanation for what he had witnessed. He couldn't shake it and put it down to the fact that they had spent so much time together before being abruptly torn apart. There was this vacant space waiting to be filled and he knew that time apart would be the only reasonable cure. He'd try desperately not to think of him too much as he would then invade his dreams and he'd wake in the morning feeling special and smiling only to be brought back cruelly to the present when he realised that he was alone.
He needed to finish this term and get home to put one very annoying person out of his mind.
-0-0-
Arthur however was not that easily put off. He was certain firstly, that Merlin had jumped to the wrong conclusion and secondly, that should he be able to see Merlin face to face in private and explain the situation that he might accept what had actually happened and at least be on speaking terms with him. Not that that was going to satisfy him as his heart still told him that it was Merlin whom he wanted with him.
He was often in a foul mood and he was thankful that no one was around to see it. Sooner or later he would have to tell Laurence what had happened and he knew that he had a good head on his shoulders so maybe he could give him some advice on how to get his relationship with Merlin back onto solid footing.
Arthur would not give up, he was determined to sit down with Merlin face to face and explain as calmly as possible what Merlin had witnessed and misunderstood that Thursday evening a fortnight ago.
He decided he'd ask Laurence to speak to Merlin who still refused to answer his calls or texts.
Laurence could see both sides of the story but he had reservations about getting involved. "Arthur, he's your friend, you know him better than I do. I honestly think that he would be more receptive if you took the initiative and arranged the meeting."
Laurence didn't confess that he had received a call from Merlin who had just wanted to touch base. "I don't want my problem with Arthur to interfere with our friendship because for one thing..."
"…Gawaine would never forgive you!" Laurence suggested laughing, wishing that it would be this easy to get Merlin back with Arthur, so he insinuated that Arthur really missed him.
"Strange way of showing it, entertaining a former boyfriend!"
"You two need to sit down and talk," Laurence finally said. "Give him a change to explain before running off."
"I didn't run off, I left as I was excess baggage to what was happening!" Merlin said sadly.