CHAPTER 23 : TRUTHS FROM THE PAST
It started to pour before they reached Arthur's and they came bursting into the condo like two drowned rats, Laurence was on his way out and Merlin said, "You'll need a mac or something. The heavens have opened up!"
Arthur went into the hallway bathroom and came out sending a towel in Merlin's direction. "Remember rule number one, no sitting on the sofa in damp clothes as it wrecks the leather."
Merlin toed off his shoes and socks and padding down the hall. He returned in a dressing gown with his hair still wrapped in a towel. Laurence putting on his mac, laughed and grabbing his keys from the hall table and went to leave saying, "Arthur, I won't be late."
Merlin said, "He's getting dried off, I'll pass on the message."
"Well, enjoy yourselves but no noisy house parties and remember you're due back at the residence tonight.
"Yes, Mother!" Merlin said smiling cheekily.
Arthur came down the hall as the door shut after Laurence, "What was that about?"
"He just wanted to remind me that I have to be back in residence this evening."
"Don't worry, I'll get you back in time. Do you want a drink?"
"No, I'll pass but go ahead if you want one. What are we having for supper?"
"Not got a clue as I was worried about how you would feel after seeing Barkley, so I didn't plan anything."
Merlin grinned as that was Arthur's response whenever there was no meal ready. "All right, let me see what you have in the kitchen and we'll eat whatever there is."
There was an almighty flash and they both jumped. Merlin said, "Glad I'm in here, at least this building has a generator." The thunder rumbled and following that another flash of lightning and a crack of thunder and the lights went out.
Arthur said, "That was close by! Count ten and the emergency light in the hall should come on as well as the fridge. Lucky we have gas, we can still warm something up, even if it's only soup."
"I wasn't hungry but I now am," Merlin said. He searched the fridge and cupboards finding little of interest but some wasabi peas and dried cereal to snack on. "Once the worse of the storm has passed, we'll phone out for something."
The lights were still off, Arthur had had a second whiskey and they sat at the table in the alcove looking out over a darkened Oxford. The power failure was not city wide and in the far distance they could see street lights, traffic lights and house lights where people were probably staying out of the rain and watching TV.
Arthur phoned for take-away and was told that there was an additional £10 charge for deliveries due to the storm and the number of orders. They also couldn't guarantee the time of arrival. He muttered something about daylight robbery but placed their order anyway.
Slowly sections of Oxford came back on but they decided against turning on any lights and snuggled on the sofa.
Arthur explained that he was in Canada during a bad ice storm and some areas were without any electricity for four days. There were fatalities and in one area in Quebec, because of the damage to the relay stations and overhead wires, a double diesel train engine was parked at one of the out of service stations and it fed electricity to the grid for homes in the area for almost three weeks.
"You can probably still find the videos of the huge transmission towers falling over. Once one goes, it pulls down its neighbour and it's like dominos. Many of the huge fir trees lost their tops and the ice on buildings as it melted came crashing down like sheets of glass.
"How did you get out?"
"My father managed to get us to Toronto by train and then on a flight home."
"Did you spend much time in the States as a teenager?"
Merlin noticed that Arthur became uncharacteristically quiet.
They held back no secrets from each other and over the years had talked about everything under the sun from the annoying Japanese beetles and how they gave a bad name to the ladybirds to periods of their life when they hadn't known each other.
Merlin laughingly reminded Arthur about his visit to the Anglican Cathedral and climbing the wall from the cemetery up to street level to the annoyance of one of the security guards. "Arthur, on my own I would never had thought of doing that but with Gawaine there encouraging me I became almost brave."
"…or foolhardy." Arthur commented.
"I don't think it was foolhardy as if I had fallen the security guard would have been there to pick up the pieces." Arthur had suddenly become quiet but Merlin had continued blissfully unaware, "There is always someone to pick up the pieces!"
"Not always…" Arthur said as he reached for his glass, "in some cases, nobody knows that there are pieces to be picked up and you slip through the cracks."
Merlin had an uncomfortable feeling that Arthur was referring to something distressing which had happened in his life.
He nuzzled into Arthur's neck as he whispered, "I would have picked up the pieces for you."
"Not if they were invisible just imprinted on my mind forever.'
Merlin had the choice of letting the conversation peter out, however he didn't, he said, "Did you know that there is truth in the saying that a problem shared is a problem halved?"
"Only if one of the persons can overcome the desire to keep the truth hidden and remain silent or is willing to open himself up to possible ridicule," he heard Arthur say.
Merlin waited a while before saying quietly, "Do I seem to you, Love, to be a person who would trivialise anything which you hold important?"
He felt rather than saw Arthur shake his head. He felt the warmth of Arthur's arms shift and he fell back against the sofa then heard the whiskey decanter clink back onto the table. As he settled back beside him, Merlin snuggled back into him and Arthur began to speak.
"In my group at school was an American student, the son of one of the CEO's of Pendragon USA and we became friends. For my fifteenth birthday, my father took me to New York. We stayed in town but on the weekend I went to stay with my friend's family in the Hamptons on Long Island. It's where the rich of NYC have fabulous mansions.
"My father left to go to California with Ken's father and I stayed with the family. There were two boys and a girl around my age and we had fun together. The house was on the Atlantic with a great beach and we had a full range of motor boats, sea doos, water skis and even kayaks. I was having a wonderful time, there were two houses on the property and we stayed in the guest house which had everything teenagers could desire even its own indoor swimming pool.
"The whole thing came crashing down on the weekend when the extended family arrived. The youngsters were fine but I wasn't fussy about one of the older step brothers who was insistent on being friendly with our group. He must have been thirty, married with three young kids who were quite amusing and a wife who was friendly and outgoing. However, he just made me feel uncomfortable."
Merlin's hand found Arthur's and he held it close to his chest. He was already upset and prayed that he would be able to give Arthur the support he needed once he had shared what he suspected was an emotional, long held secret. He second guessed himself as to whether he really wanted to hear what Arthur was going to tell him.
"One afternoon, it was rainy and we were in the main house playing billiards, we were being silly but you know, enjoying ourselves. The step brother came in grinning and insisted on joining in the game. The game sort of petered out and the others decided to go and play video games back upstairs.
"I can remember the older man saying to his brother Ken, 'It looks to me as if your friend Arthur could do with a few pointers in billiards.'
Ken had laughed and looked at me saying, "My brother's a good player and he taught us all to play. Do you want me to stay?" I shook my head, thinking why would I need a babysitter? "Well, you know where we'll be," Ken said.
"I regret that shake of my head more than anything. The chap played on his side of the table and I was on mine, then he said that I should bend my elbow like this and before I knew it he had joined me on my side and was standing too close behind me.
"I wasn't physically strong enough or mentally alert to say no. I wriggled to get away but it happened so quickly that he had the upper hand and I couldn't get free. He dragged me into an extra bedroom and…"
There was silence, the rain continued to beat on the windows but Arthur did not say anything, for what to Merlin felt like five minutes…Merlin reached over and wiped away the tears on Arthur's cheeks.
He sniffed and finally continued, "I swore then and there, that I would never force myself on anyone…I would listen to them." Merlin felt him reach for his glass, he paused awhile before quietly adding, "Not the best introduction to sex, I can assure you.
"Looking back, I can see that it was all planned as he kept me occupied playing pool when the others decided to play games. He said we'd join them but we didn't. When he was finished he had said, '…and do you think any of your friends will believe you? They'll say you were begging for it.' He moved away from me and then leant over and whispered in my ear, 'Less fumbling around, when at least one of us knows what to do!'
Merlin wrapped his arms around him, wishing that ever person's first sexual encounter could have been the result of loving someone like Arthur, patient gentle, understanding and in no hurry.
"I knew there was no one to tell, I cleaned myself up and wandered back to the others, pleading a headache. The rain had stopped and I sat quietly on the terrace until I had enough control of myself that I wouldn't burst out crying if someone said a kind word to me.
"Years later the bastard was caught messing around with one of his nephews. The family had closed ranks but not the father of the child and he had reported his stepbrother to the police and he served time for it. Ken never said anything to me and to this day I wonder if maybe he had not also been a victim."
Merlin said quietly, "Your father…?"
"To the best of my knowledge, he knew nothing about what had happened but he did comment upon hearing that one of the stepsons of his CEO was in jail. He said, 'Hard to believe as they were such a lovely family.' I so wanted to say, 'If you only knew…' but I couldn't get the words out of my mouth."
-0-0-
They lay there in silence until Merlin said, "Saying sorry for what happened to you sounds so trivial; however I hope that I never meet the bastard as I'd willingly kill him!"
"Promise me that you will never make reference about what I just told you, to anyone not even Laurence or Gawaine."
Merlin smiled saying gently, "Anything which happens between us goes no further and Gawaine accepts that. I don't ask him specifics about his innumerable conquests and he doesn't ask me about us. Mind you, if by chance you ever upset me, he would be a formidable warrior in my court."
Arthur smiled saying, "As it should be!"
The phone rang to let them know that their takeout was on its way. Merlin rolled off the sofa and said, "You set the table and I'll go and pick it up in the lobby."
"Maybe you should put something on other than underwear," Arthur said laughing.
Merlin looked down, he was in boxers and no shoes, "Thank you, Mr Pendragon, for that suggestion, I will rectify it immediately." He left the room and came down the hall grinning as he hopped along trying to get into his sweat pants.
As he got plates and cutlery, Arthur realised that he did feel better after letting Merlin in on his secret. He thought maybe Merlin was right, that a problem shared is a problem halved. Whether it was halved or not he didn't know; nevertheless the burden felt lighter on his shoulders.
-0-0-
Merlin remembered his first time, Arthur was so solicitous, Merlin knew that he was worrying that he was not reading him correctly until he'd said, "Arthur, you're driving me crazy, I'm ready now, I want you. Love me now, not tomorrow or in a week or in a year."
Merlin remembered little but the surge of intensity and the heights reached before he plummeted back to terra firma and into Arthur's arms, Arthur smiling holding him close. It resulting in the formation of a bond which he wanted to last for their lifetimes.
Arthur had once told him that just before he wiped out as he liked to put it, he had said his name and it was the most wonderful sound he had ever heard. Merlin had smiled saying that he didn't remember and Arthur had pulled him closer explaining that it was his spirit communicating that his body had reached Nirvana.
Merlin had found it funny and since then whenever Arthur was fooling and he himself wanted sex, he'd say, "Fancy Nirvana?" In exactly the same tone as he might ask, "What do you want, Arthur, a cup of coffee or scrambled eggs?"
Gawaine one day had mentioned, "What's this obsession that you two have with Nirvana?" Merlin's immediate grin had a smiling Gawaine add, "Say no more, a nod is as good as a wink to a blind horse…"
-0-0-
Merlin looked at him carefully as he carried food to the table, Arthur had set the table and was sitting at it waiting. He looked up and smiled sadly at him, Merlin put the food on the table and turned to Arthur and wrapped him in his arms. He said nothing, he just held him until he was ready to let him go.
"We should eat while it is still hot, especially as you had to pay the power failure surcharge. Charming people, I'll cross them off our regular list!"
The food was good and they ate mostly in silence. Merlin put the cutlery in the sink and the remaining food in a container in the fridge for Laurence. He checked his phone and it was already nine.
Arthur who was watching him said, "Would you mind if I took you back a little earlier tonight. I feel really tired."
"It's no longer raining I can walk but if you need me to stay here, I will."
"Of course, I would love you to stay but I can't let that bastard still have control over my life. I just got a little upset probably because it was the first time that I had said anything about it to anyone. I used to stand in front of my bedroom mirror when the house was empty and rehearse a scene for what I should have done…I'd lie in bed and try to work out where I had gone wrong, what word had I used that gave him the impression that it was all right to do what he did to me. I couldn't figure it out. Mind you, five years helps heal wounds and gives you a more enlightened view of life.
"If it had happened today, there would have been a different outcome. Time certainly enables you to place everything in perspective. Youth and inexperience can in some situations be a drawback. I was strong even then, Merlin, but my strength deserted me and I became a victim. As to walking home, you are certainly not, not while I still have a car."
Arthur insisted on walking him to the Porters' Lodge. Merlin grinned and said, "One day, a traffic warden is going to slap a ticket on your little car."
Arthur spun around worrying that Merlin was seeing it actually happening. He laughed there was no one else in sight. He leant forward and gave Merlin a resounding kiss. "Thank you for loving me."
Merlin smiled and running his hand down Arthur's chest said, "You're very easy to love, Arthur! My phone will be on my bedside table. Call me when you get home…and if you need to talk, call me any time during the night."
"Go on in and I promise to phone once I get home." He turned and walked out to the Opal and saw a Special Units Traffic Warden writing a love note for his car. He shook his head, regretting that Merlin had already gone in as he would have enjoyed it.
He took it from under his windshield wiper and grinned at the traffic warden. As he had expected, it was a £70 fine but reduced by fifty percent if paid within seven days. He looked up and the chap was gone. He replaced it under the wiper and stood back taking a photo of his car parked outside the Porter's Lodge, making sure that the ticket was visible. He'd show it to Merlin as proof.
"Was a Merlin kiss worth £35?" He said aloud to the old stone walls of Magdalen College, he was sure he heard them reply, 'Yes, it certainly was…!' He smiled and got into his car.
-0-0-
Merlin let himself into his room but he knew that he wasn't going to be able to fall asleep. Even though Arthur had said, he'd be all right, he was sure that he would be up practically all the night reliving what had happened to him in the States.
He lay on the bed thinking. Life was after all not fair and it didn't just happen to the people we saw on TV but to lots of people, some whom we actually knew and loved and others whom we would never know or hear about. Toby's brother Luca was one instance, minding his own business in Toronto with his father and brothers and ripped away from his family because of some gun-toting thug, he could think of no better word…some thug's selfish and inexplicable actions.
He let his mind return to primary school when some kid's mother on her way to the shops was run down by a furniture lorry driven by the father of another girl in the school. That he could better accept as it was an accident.
Suddenly he remembered his mother's face when they'd been at church and it had been his father's anniversary and he'd got the balloons for her. She still remembered after nearly seventeen years and there was Arthur as an adult still dealing with his assault. He remembered Beth's grief stricken face as she sat on his love seat before Security arrived and in retrospect he realised that what he'd been through in these two past terms was nothing compared to what some people experienced.
His mother had said each time he returned here, 'Look out for yourself!' and he knew that she was probably praying like mad that she's get him back safely at the end of the term.
His mind went to Arthur and he hoped that he'd get some sleep. The phone buzzed and he picked it up. Arthur's voice said, "I'm in bed wishing that you were here beside me."
Merlin laughed before saying, "How are you?"
"Doing surprisingly well really…and by the way you owe me £35 for the ticket I got on my car while I was kissing you as I dropped you off."
"Your kidding? I wish I'd been there to see that!"
"I'm not kidding…that's if I pay it within seven days, otherwise is will be £70 that's what it costs."
"Was it worth £35?"
"Well worth it, Merlin, inexpensive really for the pleasure your kiss gave me."
"Do you think I can charge you that every time I kiss you?"
"I think we'll have to so some serious negotiating about that. I also want to apologise for our evening being such a downer. I didn't think telling you would have had such an affect on me… you do still love me...don't you?"
"Arthur, every fibre of my being is in love with you…"