Chapter 5 Failure

I stormed out of the room. I felt ready to punch a wall. Ruru and I had just had a fight. Actually, I'm not sure if "fight" is the right word to use. Can you call it a fight if the other person wasn't emotionally invested in it? Can you call it a fight if the other person isn't even a person?

I leaned against the wall, covered my face with my hands, and started to think. I don't know what I am doing anymore. Ruru...I guess part of me expected that this project would be easier than it actually is. I wasn't prepared for the sheer frustration of it all. I want Ruru to feel! I want her to experience emotion!

I sighed. Maybe it was my fault. I shouldn't have programmed Ruru to be so robotic. If I could, I would want to make it so that she has no programming. I would want to make it so that she is free to make her own choices, free to be her own person. But alas, I can't do that. I don't know how. I mean, I can delete her data and reprogram her, but making it so that she is more or less a human would be nearly impossible. That's a conclusion that I have reached while observing her.

"Master?"

I glanced at the doorway and saw Ruru. Her lavender hair was now tied up, and she was wearing a black and purple dress with a black cape and long black boots. Her eyes still looked as lifeless as before.

"Are you alright, Master?" she asked.

I didn't respond. I have trouble looking at Ruru. Not only is it frustrating, but her resemblance to Aimi is just too great. Everytime I look her in the eyes, it hurts.

"Did I do something to offend you?" Ruru asked.

I sighed and forced myself to look Ruru in the eye.

"No, you didn't do anything," I said. "I just...I just...I don't know."

"Why did repeat the phrase 'I just?'" Ruru asked. "That does not compute."

I felt anger boiling up.

"You always say that," I said quietly. "That seems to be your catchphrase. Didn't I program you to grow and learn? Because whenever you say that, you essentially say that you don't want to learn. You are fine with the topic not computing."

There was a moment of silence. Ruru stared at me with the same blank expression she always wore.

"Master," she said, "you're angry with me, aren't you?"

"No," I said after a while. "I'm not angry at you, Ruru chan. I'm angry at myself. I wanted you to be so much more than you are."

"So you have expectations," she said. "If I don't meet those expectations, doesn't that give you incentive to be mad at me?"

I didn't know how to answer that. What Ruru was misconstruing were the emotions anger and disappointment. But the reason I didn't feel either toward her specifically was because I knew that, logically, my expectations were unreasonable. I wanted her to have an emotional heart, and a good one at that. I know now that trying to give that to an android is a little bit of a long shot. But there is also something more.

"Ruru," I said, "you don't know this, but I modeled you after my daughter."

"Your daughter?" she asked.

"Yes," I said. "Her name is Aimi. She...died about a year ago of cancer. She was the one who decided to name you Ruru."

I thought I saw a little glimmer of sympathy in Ruru's eyes. Then again, that might just be my imagination.

"How old was she?" she asked.

"She was only seven," I replied. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes.

"Do you feel sad thinking about her?" Ruru asked.

"Of course," I said. "I love her."

Ruru approaches me, her mouth in a line.

"You keep using that word," she says. "You say that it is a feeling, right?"

I chuckle.

"Oh, it is so much more than that," I said. "It could take me a whole essay to explain to you what love is. There are some aspects of it that I don't understand." I glanced at her. "I suppose that you're still going to say that does not compute, right?"

Ruru's expression didn't change as she opened her mouth to answer.

"I'm sorry," she said, "but I'm afraid that I don't understand it at all."

I sighed and took a remote control out of my pocket. I had made it as a last resort, in case I would need to shut Ruru down. When I pressed the button, Ruru's pupils disappeared and her jaw went slack.

"System shutting down…" she said. Just like that, she collapsed to the floor. I stared at her for a little bit. I felt bad for doing it, but I knew that I needed to delete her data and reprogram her. She is too mechanical. I know that I can't remedy that completely, but I can do what I can.

"If only you understood," I said. "Then you would know how much I love you."