A/N: Thank you all so much for your interest in this story. It's really amazing to realise that something you put on paper actually interest other people... And it's also the first time I finish a story and publish it. So I hope it will look believable to you and that you will have a nice moment with the story.
Chapter 2 is quite long, but it should give you an idea as to where the story is going. Happy reading.
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Kate put her spoon on the plate. "That was so good! I think it probably was the best Tiramisu I have ever eaten!" she said as she rested her back to the sofa, her hands on her belly. "I'm stuffed!"
Lanie looked at her friend and smiled. She'd had a great idea with this impromptu diner. Her friend looked less tense than an hour ago, so she considered phase 1 of her mission for the evening achieved: Feed Kate.
On to phase 2 now: Get Kate to talk. That one was going to be tricky and require more effort. But she was determined to try her best. Kate needed to open up. She had nearly died for crying out loud, nearly drowned, while on a case. Lanie was worried her friend's PTSD might come back for a visit. She wanted to make sure Kate was OK and not shutting herself from the world again.
"Thank you for this, Lanie" said Kate, turning her head to her friend, a smile on her face. "I had no idea how much I needed this."
"I figured you probably hadn't had much time to shop with your last case, so we could come to an agreement: you have a nice diner delivered home and I don't overindulge on food tonight just because I was unable to resist buying half the food on display."
Kate wasn't stupid, she could see what Lanie had done. From the beginning her friend had bought diner for two, and she knew Kate would be home alone, trying to let go of a case as she's done plenty of times before. And true friend that she was, Lanie knew tonight was going to be difficult for her.
"Smart idea, woman", said Kate.
"I know" said Lanie, her glass in hand. "I'm good like that!"
They giggled. It felt so good to be light hearted after the hours Kate had spent going over the case. And she was worried about Castle, but at least he was home with his mother and daughter. He wasn't alone. Hopefully, they'll help him feel better this evening.
She wished she could be there for him. But it wasn't her place. She had made sure never to be this close to him. Because she didn't feel worth it.
And the old fears crept back in. She felt the anguish rise again, her throat tighten. It was as if the last hour had not happened.
Lanie was watching Kate closely and she saw the frown coming back on her friend's face, the sadness in her eyes, the rise in her shoulders as she readjusted her posture. It was her opening. Hopefully she'd be able to help her. If Kate let her of course.
"What is it, Kate?" Lanie asked softly.
Usually, Kate would wave this question away and start another subject of conversation, anything but work and Castle. But not tonight. For some reason, she needed to talk and share what was going on in her head, or she feared she might go crazy.
"I hate this case" she whispered.
"The one with the CIA?" Lanie asked.
Kate nodded, her eyes looking at her hands on her knees. "I can't help feeling that there's going to be a before and an after with this case."
"What do you mean?" asked Lanie, confused.
Kate closed her eyes, took a deep breath in.
There you go, thought Lanie, she's backing down.
"So many things went wrong on this case, Lanie" Kate said with a tired voice, not sure where to start. "Horribly wrong. It's a miracle Castle and I are still alive, and in some ways, it scares me."
"Why? How can that be a bad thing?"
"It's not" Kate replied. "Of course it's not. It's just that…" She was struggling sorting out her thoughts and finding the right words. "I nearly lost him twice in 48 hours. And both times, I was unable to do anything to save him." And Kate broke in tears. It was unexpected and it was violent. She could not stop the tears. It was as if they needed to come out and there was nothing she could do but let them pour out of her. Maybe it would take away this feeling she had that she had been so inadequate on this case.
The outburst took Lanie by surprise. What did Kate mean by "twice"? There was more than their dive in the Hudson? She made the effort to put her questions on the side. Right now, Kate didn't need her to interrogate her. So she got up and went to her friend to take her in her arms. These tears were probably long overdue by now.
"It's OK, sweetie. Castle's fine, so are you. Everything is fine. You can let go now."
Lanie held her best friend in her arms for as long as she needed her support. Then she went to the kitchen to make some coffee. When she came back to the living room, Kate was not crying anymore.
"Tell me what happened" Lanie said after she gave Kate a cup of coffee and sat down by her side.
Kate took a big breath in before starting her story, as if to take courage. Going back there was going to be painful, but at least this time, she'd do it out loud, with someone by her side listening to her words, not just reliving it all in her mind.
The images though, she could not share.
"When we were pushed into the Hudson in my car, I could not unbuckle my seatbelt. It was jammed. The water was rising fast. I went for my gun but I realised it had fallen and I could not find it. So Castle went to the backseats and looked under my seat. He came back to tell me he could see my gun and he went underwater again to get it. And then nothing. The only noise was the water rising in the car. God Lanie, it rose so fast and it was so cold and Castle was not coming back…" Kate had to stop to breath in again. Her body was reacting to the memory and she felt trapped again and cold and useless and scared. "I don't know what he was doing but I could not feel any movement underneath my seat or in the back and it was getting so dark in there. I could not see or find his body. I thought…" Kate's voice broke. She could not say it out loud. She took another deep breath before continuing her story "I tried one last time to open my door or break the window, which was stupid because I could not leave my seat anyway. I don't know why I did that. And then, I was underwater. And still no Castle. So I let go, Lanie. I gave up. I looked at myself in the rear-view mirror and thought «So that's it? This is how it ends? Well at least I'll die with him». And I relaxed my fingers from the steering wheel and just as I thought it was all over, Castle appeared, my gun in hand, and he saved us!"
All it had taken was one look in his eyes and her decision to let go had disappeared.
"He shot my seat belt, then the back windshield and we escaped my car. We swam together to the surface. Castle had had his last breath of air earlier than me so he struggled but he made it! We held each other for a moment when we were safe on the pier. I needed to know he was really alive. I needed to hear his heart beat. And then, Castle said we needed to call you guys, and well, you know the rest."
"Oh my God, Kate! I know you were in the car when it dived in the Hudson, but I had no idea it had been this close!" said Lanie. And it's a miracle this experience has not triggered your PTSD already, she thought. How could Kate still function normally after this? Anyone would be pretty shaken up by a near death experience and re-evaluating their lives but those two had just kept on working their case as if nothing had happened!
"It was very close Lanie" said Kate. "Every time I think about it, I can't believe we made it. We should be dead, the two of us." She looked at Lanie. "I gave up, but he never did. He saved us both. He did everything to get us out of the car and I did nothing. I just gave up!"
"No Kate…"
Kate cut her off. "It's the truth, Lanie. It was all down to him."
"You were stuck in your seat, Kate. So yes, it was down to Castle to save you guys. That's what partners do. If it had been the other way around, you would have fought teeth and nails, just like he did, to get you both out of the car."
Kate shook her head. "He would never have given up like I did. It's not like him."
"It's not like you either. You always go the extra mile to get what you want, especially when you work a case." Lanie took Kate's hand and squeezed it. "On your own, neither of you might have made it. I am so grateful that you were together when that happened. You are more than a writer and a cop. You are a team, you are partners, and you work very well together. Don't beat yourself up for what you thought at a moment in time when your life was threatened."
"I just feel so weak…"
"Kate, tell me honestly" Lanie said, maybe more sharply than needed. "Do you still want to let go and die?"
Kate shot a surprised look at her friend. "No! Of course not!"
"Then it's all that matters" Lanie said with a smile and she gave Kate's hand another squeeze. "You thought that in very specific circumstances. It doesn't define you. What matters is how you feel now. And if all you want is to live, then you're fine."
Kate let the words sink in. "Thank you Lanie." She realised that she had been so ashamed of her thoughts at that moment that she had come to believe no one would understand, because she could not either. But Lanie was right. It was a very specific moment, a dramatic moment. And she had survived it. She should not let it define her.
"You need to give yourself a break" Lanie added. "You were shot in the heart less than a year ago. Your recovery hasn't been easy, but look where you are today! Trust me, you are doing very well. You're exhausted after this case, who wouldn't? That's why you feel so low. Give yourself some credit for what you achieve. Take care of yourself, and I promise you, you will feel better soon."
Kate smiled. She knew her friend was right. She didn't have the best lifestyle but she also knew that she was lucky to be doing a job she loved and believed in. That was why she didn't mind so much if sometimes she missed a meal or slept very little. She was willing to do all she could to close a case, to bring justice to the victims and their families. She'd rest afterwards. Only that did not always happen. She could not really ask people to stop murdering each other just so she could have a week-end to recharge! That wasn't the way things worked.
So yes, Lanie was probably right. She was tired, this case had been difficult and it had drained her emotionally speaking more than other cases. It was probably worse for Castle. Kate still felt like she had let her partner down on this case. And she could not imagine how Lanie could look at it in any different way.
Lanie saw Kate frowning again. Now what? What was Kate thinking about that could change her mind frame so quickly?
"There's more, isn't there?"
Kate looked at her friend and then back at the untouched coffee mug in her hands. How could she explain this without revealing too much about a case that involved the CIA and national security?
Kate let her head rest against the top of the sofa and looked at the ceiling.
"Do you remember the two agents who came to the pier and Castle and I left with?"
"You mean Mistress and her boy?"
Kate looked at Lanie in utter shock.
"What? The woman is a control freak, it's obvious. I might be spending a lot of time with the dead but it doesn't mean I can't read people sometimes."
"What else did you pick up?" Kate asked, more out of curiosity at Lanie's discernment than anything else. She wanted to know what Lanie thought of Sophia in the short time she had seen her. Was she the only one who did not like her?
"Well, she had an impact on Castle. I even wondered at the time if he knew her from before the case."
When Kate raised her eyebrows asking a silent question, Lanie explained. "We were talking. Then she arrives, and Writer Boy walks by you to talk to her, as if he was somehow responsible for the situation. You are the lead detective on the investigation but he steps up to her, who is obviously in charge of the case on whatever level, to take any blame she's about to deliver. There was a story there. These two had met before."
Kate nodded. "They had met all right. She was CIA. And back when Castle started working on Derrick Storm, he shadowed her to develop his Clara Strike character."
"She was his muse?" asked Lanie, dumbfounded.
"Yep."
"You're not his first?"
"Nope."
"Damn!" Maybe it wasn't as bad as she felt. It made sense that Castle would meet with CIA agents for his books, it's called research and Castle was serious about his job so it would want to meet a real female agent to give some reality to his main female character. But Lanie was disappointed. She had really thought that his relationship with Beckett was a special one. And if their little quarrel a few hours later in her morgue was any indication, his relationship with Mistress had gone way over the framework of a professional one. Dared she ask?
"How long?"
"About a year."
"One year!?" Lanie had hoped for a couple of months at the most.
"Yes. He stopped shadowing her after they broke up."
Four years of following Beckett around and they were still just «work partners», but he obviously had had no problem sleeping with that muse! Lanie was mad at him, and really disappointed. Which was ridiculous. It happened years before he had met Beckett so it wasn't as if he had cheated on her. And anyway, the Nikki Heat series was way more successful that the Derrick Storm one. AND Castle showed no intention of stopping shadowing Kate while Mistress inspired him for 1 year only…
"Well" started Lanie, "I'm glad Castle's taste in muses improved with time!"
Kate suppressed a chuckle. Lanie and her repartee, what would she do without it?
"Nobody can know what I'm going to tell you Lanie. Not even Espo. And Castle can never know we've had this conversation. You understand? I'm not even allowed to talk about anything related to the case with anyone. So it's important you keep this to yourself."
"I understand." Lanie promised, braising herself for the next story Kate was going to tell. Even if Kate wasn't apparently allowed to talk about the case, if she needed to mention some parts of it to keep her sanity in check, she was going to give her all her attention and keep her promise of secrecy.
Anyway, it could not be worse than their near-death experience in the Hudson surely! Didn't Kate mention they escaped death twice on that case? Oh boy, she did...
"You know how Castle is" Kate said, "when he gives his trust, his friendship to someone, he gives everything. There's no limit to what he'd do for that person."
Lanie nodded.
"She betrayed him Lanie. In the worst possible way."
This was when things were getting difficult. How could Kate explain everything without risking being accused of treason against the United States of America? Maybe she should have thought about that before she opened her mouth! The truth was, she needed to talk about it, but she could not go to Castle for that. And she trusted Lanie, implicitly.
"She turned out to be at the heart of our case. She tried to initiate World War III and destroy our country and the world."
Lanie looked at her with incredulity. She was aware that her city was under intense watch since 9/11 and she had no problems believing that the city had been saved from potential attacks that the world was unaware of. But a new world war that her friends were involved with...
"I know" Kate said as she looked at her friend, "it sounds extreme but I promise you, it's the truth. This case was bigger than anything I've been involved with before. The CIA was involved because the threat to national security was real."
Lanie took a moment to digest this. New York, the city where she lived, had been under threat again. But all was contained before anything bad happened. And her friends had been involved. Once again, things could have gone so horribly wrong. "Is there still a threat?" she asked.
"No. We put an end to it. But it was close Lanie, so very close. And Castle, I'm worried that it might have hurt him more than he let show."
"How?"
"Everything she said was like the word of God. Even when she showed her real face, he refused to believe it. So she went personal." Kate could picture the scene again. "She made us kneel in front of her and while her accomplice went on to carry out their plan, she played with Castle. She revealed that she was a Soviet agent. She had managed to infiltrate the CIA to a very high level without anyone the wiser. She had played everyone who had ever been in contact with her."
"Including Castle."
Kate nodded. "And then, she said that she'd make our deaths look heroic, so that people believed we tried to stop the bad guys but failed. She said his dad would be proud."
Lanie took a second to make sure she understood. "Castle's dad?"
"Yes. She said he was the one who got him access to the CIA in the first place. When she realised that Castle did not know that, genuinely did not know who his father was, she said «I guess you'll never know» and went to shot him."
"Oh my God…"
"There was a gun shot, and then she fell on the ground between us, a bullet in the head. She had tricked another agent to appear as the bad guy but he worked her plan out. He found us just in time to stop her. And he saved Castle."
Lanie was lost for words. There were so many elements in this story that she found it difficult to have a full grasp of the case. But she could see one thing: twice Castle nearly died, and it wasn't Kate who had saved him. That was what was eating her friend up. "Kate, can't you just be happy and grateful that you both got out of this case alive? Does it really matter that you weren't the one to save him?"
"If only it was just that, Lanie." Kate was practically whispering and Lanie saw a tear falling on jaw. "I left him alone with her body." Kate raised her head and looked at Lanie, fighting the tears. "The CIA agent and I, we went to stop her accomplice before he could carry out their plan. I left him alone with her body" she repeated, ashamed of putting work ahead of her friend's wellbeing and safety, and now, the tears were pouring. "And when… when I came back to him... he was in the same position as when I had left him. Oh God, Lanie, he wasn't moving." She caught her breath before carrying on. "He was so still, I even wondered if maybe she hadn't had a chance to press the trigger before she was killed and I hadn't realised somehow. Which was ridiculous because he was still kneeling. But his eyes were blank. He was looking at her and it was as if time had stopped for him and he could not understand or believe what he was seeing. When I got close to him, I called him but he didn't move. I thought maybe he hadn't heard me. So I kneeled in front of him and called him again. Still no reply. So I took his face in my hands and said his name again. This time he seemed to get out of the sort of trance he was in and he looked at me. It hurt, Lanie, to see him like that. He was completely lost. I've never seen him like this. Then the CIA walked in and they took over the situation. I helped Castle to get up and we were taken away for debriefing. He didn't say a word during the ride. We were not alone so I didn't dare say anything. I just took his hand. He looked at me, smiled, and turned his head back to the window. But other than that, nothing."
"He was in shock."
Kate nodded. "And I understand that. Later, he asked me if I thought she had told the truth about his father. I said that I thought she had told a lot of lies. I don't know if his father is really a CIA agent, but I'm sure she knew exactly what she was doing when she told him that. She was the kind of woman who always wants to be on top and she knew it was a sensitive subject for him. You spotted it right away, she was a control freak. If I had not been so blinded by my own jealousy, I would have been able to see her for who she really was: a manipulative bitch who only cared about herself!"
Lanie could not help smiling because in the middle of all this mess, Kate was kind of admitting her feelings out loud. But she was also in pain. And that was heart-breaking to witness. She deserved better. Damn, Castle and her deserved better!
"Kate, don't be too hard on yourself. It's not your fault. She played everyone. The very people she had worked with every day for years had never made her out. But you guys won at the end, she lost. It's all that counts."
"I know" said Kate. "Castle said the same thing."
Good man, thought Lanie. She wasn't mad at him anymore. The man had gone through enough.
"But that's not my problem. The only thing I can think of is that I'm not much different from her." Kate took a big breath in. "I lied to him too. I've been lying to him for months."