A/N: Thank you for the reviews, favorites and followers! It feels really good to see that you guys like my story. Here is Chapter 3. It won't take me as long to publish the next one...

I found out today that Castle started 10 years ago. I wasn't among the people who watched the series right away. I joined in the middle of series 3. And then I discovered the fanfic universe. When I saw the number of fanfics that already existed for such a young series, and how amazingly good some writers were, it convinced me that the series was special and worth watching if it inspired people so much. It's the kind of entertainment I like, good quality, realistic and inspiring. You don't find that often nowadays. I miss Castle...

Once the gate was open, Kate could not hide away from what she had been obsessing about for the past few hours.

"When I was shot at Montgomery's funeral and Castle tried to protect me, he told me that he loved me just before I lost consciousness. Ever since I woke up, I've told him I didn't remember much about my shooting, just standing up there delivering the eulogy, and then falling to the ground."

Lanie was shocked. She had no idea Castle had said that. When Lanie had reached them after the shot, Kate was already unconscious.

"But you do remember his words?"

Kate only nodded, the guilt making her too ashamed to look at her friend.

But Lanie wasn't willing to let it go. "When did you start remembering?"

"At the hospital. But I also thought my mum had been with me so I just assumed I had made it up. I put it down to the trauma, the drugs, the surgery, you know… I understood it was real when I was at my dad's cabin. I remembered Castle's hands on my face, and feeling his breath as he was telling me to stay with him. I knew it was real then. I knew it was a memory."

"But when you came back, you never told him?"

Kate only shook her head.

"All this time, you never said a thing" whispered Lanie. Psychology might not be her speciality, but she knew hiding from the truth was never a good thing.

"I was in a very bad place Lanie. I hid from everyone. I could not deal with anything that had happened that day. When I came back, I decided to focus only on catching my shooter so I could find who's behind my mum's murder. I could not let anything interfere with that. I thought that once I find her killer and I have my answers, then I would be free of this case, and I could be with him, maybe. If he's still interested. But not before. And I was also mad at him for jumping in front of that bullet for me. And it wasn't the right time to start a relationship anyway, I was too messed up in my head. And I could not ask him to wait either, it wasn't fair."

"But lying to him is fair?"

Damn, that hurt! "No. No, it isn't. But it was the best option I could come up with at the time. I kept on with my therapy, as you know. I told Dr Burke the truth, we've been working on finding a balance. I still want to solve my mum's case, but I don't want it to define me anymore. I'll never be happy if all I have to live for is that case."

Waouh! Lanie thought, that doctor is good! She had not seen Kate this open and honest in a very long time. This was a huge step for her. Castle would probably be hurt by the truth, and she could understand that, but she knew he loved her. The ME could not imagine him not understanding her actions eventually.

Still it meant Kate had a long way ahead of her before she could be with Castle. And right now, it looked to her as if Kate felt she was at a crossroad as far as her relationship with Castle was concerned. She wanted things between them to change and she knew she had to take the first step, but she was scared of messing this up.

"Is this why you said earlier that you felt like there's going to be a before and an after this case with the CIA? Because you feel guilty about not being honest with Castle for the past few months?"

Boy, when Lanie was on a roll, there was no stopping her! Kate felt another pang of guilt in her heart and she closed her eyes. His face came up in her mind. The face he made when he realised who Sophia actually was.

"I don't want to be that woman to him. I want him to know that he can trust me. He matters to me, even if I can't say the words now, it doesn't mean the fact that the feelings are not there." Kate brought her hand to her heart. "But I'm so scared of screwing it up if I come clean to him."

"You know that the longer you wait, the harder it will be to tell him" Lanie said, heartbroken to see her friend fighting so much on the inside. But she had also come so far! "You know, maybe your chances of screwing this up as you say might not be as big as you think."

Kate looked at her friend completely dumbstruck.

"For the past hour, I've been listening to you talking about what you've been through with this case. You've never been this open and honest about your relationship with Castle. I can see how much you care. I think that is why you are so scared to mess it up. I know you feel like you are not ready, but Kate, it doesn't mean that you haven't made any progress."

"What do you mean?" How could Lanie talk about any progress when she felt so bad about her actions?

"You said it yourself: you'll never be happy if all you have in your life is your mother's case. I never thought I'd hear you say that! It is huge, Kate! You want more in life than just finding your mum's killer. It is still important to you, but it's no longer number 1. I think that escaping death twice on this case, as well as what happened with Mistress, all this has made you realised that Castle is now your number 1 priority, you just haven't seen the move happening. And it scares you, in a way. Because a case, you know how to handle it. But a man who matters so much to you, that's new territory for you."

Kate felt like her head was going to explode. Could Lanie be right? Had her relationship with Castle evolved so much without her realising it? Yes, she wanted more than just solving her mum's case, but it didn't mean that Castle had replaced her!

Lanie let silence settled between them. Had she been too direct?

"Kate?"

"I don't know Lanie" said Kate in a low voice. "I just don't know."

When her friend remained silent, Lanie decided to push her a bit again. "If there was one thing you could obtain right now, right this minute, what would it be?"

An image instantly popped up in Kate's mind: being in his arms. She wished she was with him right now and he'd hold her close, keeping the world away from them so they could just be together. And safe.

"Castle" she said. "I wish I was with Castle right now." Lanie was right, something had changed in her, she wasn't sure what though, or when, or how...

Lanie let go of a breath she had been holding in. In spite of what Kate had just told her, she was so worried she would say facing her mum's killer!

"No offense" said Kate with a smile.

"Oh, none taken sweetie" replied Lanie with a bigger smile.

Kate took a deep breath in. "How did I not see it? I remember very clearly telling Burke that I could not let my mum's case define me, it had been so painful to say those words out loud. It was as if I was letting her down again and it doesn't matter how many times Burke says that I can't do anything for my mum, that she's gone, nothing I do will change this. It still feels like I'm letting her down. I can't get rid of this feeling. But Castle, he appeases me. I know he will be by my side when I find her killer. I just know he'll be there. Every step of the way. I know he can be a jerk sometimes but he is also strong and reliable. I know that I can count on his help when the time comes to close this case once and for all."

"You see, this tells me that the time you took to heal, it was worth it Kate. You made the right choice. And if you can explain this to Castle, eventually, he will understand. You are scared, and that's OK. But don't let your fears take over. Look, I've seen how Castle has changed your life. You just seem to be happier when he's by your side, even when he drives you crazy. It's him you like, the man, not the author. We all know that he has enough material to write another fifteen books. He comes back every day for you, to be with you. Everyone can see that. I really believe that if you go to see him and explain to him what you just told me, he will understand eventually. So yes, you've been lying to him for several months, but that was because you were healing, Kate. "

"What if I've missed my chance?"

"Only one way to find out."

"What if he can't forgive me?" This scared Kate the most: that she could have stepped over a threshold that Castle could not ignore and that she'd ruined everything. "I've been lying to him for months, Lanie, what if he can't trust me anymore?"

"You have to know that he's going to be upset, maybe even angry with you, at least at the beginning. But he's smart, once you explain to him everything that you've just told me, I'm sure he'll understand."

"You can't know that for sure."

"No, you're right, I can't know that for sure" Lanie said, feeling annoyed that Kate was always going for the negative. "But I know how much he loves you. You have to expect that his reaction might not be full of understanding at first. You'll be telling him that you needed time to heal, he might hear that you took him for a ride. He's entitled to being angry."

"How do we go past that? How do I make him understand that I never meant to hurt him?"

"Be honest with him. And patient. Maybe you won't sort everything out in one conversation. So you both have to know that you're willing to work at your relationship and you have to give him the time and space he might need to sort things out on his side."

"I can't lose him Lanie. He makes my life so much better by just being my partner at work. I'm scared I'll say the wrong things and he'll just cut me from his life."

"Don't forget that he knows you. He'll understand eventually how difficult everything's been for you this past year. Well he knows that, he's been by your side ever since you came back from your dad's cabin. Your best chance is to be 100% honest with him and keep the communication open."

"What if it's not enough?"

"Then he's not the one."

That hurt. It wasn't possible. Kate had never had a relationship with a man like her relationship with Castle. She had never trusted a man as wholeheartedly as she trusted him. And that was why she felt so bad. Castle would never lie to her the way she had been lying to him since she's been back at work.

"Look, you don't have to make a decision tonight" Lanie said, seeing how her friend was struggling with the whole situation. "Actually, making a decision tonight would probably be a mistake given all that happened the past few days and how tired you are. Use the weekend to relax, and get your thoughts in order. There is no urgency, is there?"

Kate shook her head. "No. But I feel really bad about lying to him."

"That's because you care about him. Another reason not to rush into anything. Make sure you're ready to talk to him and know how you want your relationship to evolve once you guys have talked. If you go to him just to come clean, you might confuse him."

Kate felt like she could not go on like this. Sophia had crushed her partner's heart, she refused to do the same. Sophia had never cared about him the way she did. She loved him. And she knew it was really love, not a crush, not lust. He was the first man she wanted to be with every day, all the time. It was the direction she wanted her life to take. And that gave her something to fight for.

"I'll think about it."