A/N: As promised, new chapter. I hope you will enjoy it. Thank you for reading!

Kate woke up struggling to breath. She sat in her bed, her hands clinching the bedsheets. She was panicking, expecting to be surrounded by water while in fact, she was in a room. With air all around her.

Bedroom, she thought between short breaths, her eyes quickly wandering around her. My bedroom. I'm home. I'm safe.

She closed her eyes and focused on her breathing. Dr Burke had taught her exercises for situations like this one. Sadly, it wasn't the first time she needed them in the middle of the night.

She had to struggle on her own to calm down, acknowledge her surroundings and regulate her breathing.

She opened her eyes and took the time to adjust to the darkness in the room.

Eventually her heartbeat settled down. She could think better now. She wasn't really surprised that she was waking up thinking she was drowning. Lanie had left around 1 a.m. and all they had talked about was related to Castle and their latest case.

She looked around her in the bed. She was alone. Everything she did she did alone because there was no one by her side, because she did not allow him that place in her life. But it would be so much easier if he were by her side now… He'd take her in his arms and reassure her that she was OK. And she'd believe him because she felt so safe with him. Every time she had been in his arms, she had felt so safe. On the pier, two days ago, after he had rescued them, he had held her so tight in his arms. And she had returned the hug. She could not believe that he was really alive, that he had saved them both. A few minutes before, she had thought him dead and had decided to stop fighting. And then she was in his arms and she wanted to stay just there. He had been the one to break the embrace and mention to call 911 for help. Her mind had stopped working as it was focusing only on his arms around her, his body so close to hers she wanted to melt into him. She was drenched and freezing but she didn't care. She was in his arms.

She wanted to be there again. But instead she was alone in her bed recovering from a nightmare.

She sighted and turned to her bedside table on her right to grab her phone. 3:41 a.m. She knew she wasn't going to fall back asleep. The best she could do now was get up, take a shower and have some sort of breakfast. Or she could go for a run. No, it was too early for that. It would only underline even more that her day had not started on the best note if she went for a run so early in the day. So she chose the shower first, then food, and then she would decide on what to do next. One step at a time.

She took a long shower, washed her hair and started to relax a bit. Then she got dressed, let her hair dry naturally and went to her kitchen. She started on the coffee and looked for something that could pass for breakfast. But she wasn't really hungry. So she just put 2 pieces of bread in the toaster and got the maple syrup out.

She went to grab some paper and a pen. Dr Burke had talked to her about putting thoughts on paper when she was overwhelmed or lost. It could help her organising her thoughts. She gathered her coffee and toasts, and started to write down all that Lanie and her had talked about the previous evening.

A lot of good things had come out of their discussion. Kate wasn't sure she really was ready to confess to Castle, but she knew she needed to do it. To delay would only make things more awkward. She knew she'd have problems to look at him in the eyes on Monday without thinking I'm lying to you and he would notice something was wrong. She wasn't on call this week-end so she wanted to make the most of the next 48 hours. And she also had a feeling she would not be able to sleep well until she'd come clean to him. She would never really put this case behind her if she kept on comparing herself to Sophia.

She put her pen down and raised her head. A quick look at the clock on her oven told her it was now 4:19.

Too early for a text? If she could not sleep, could he?

If there was a chance that Castle was sleeping, she wasn't going to wake him up. So no, no text. Not yet anyway.

She could occupy her time another way. She needed action and decided to go and clean her bathroom and bedroom. She had planned on doing that today anyway, it was just a few hours earlier than planned.

About an hour later, her bathroom was sparking clean and her bedroom tidy but her emotions were still everywhere. So Kate decided to go for a run. She got changed, grabbed her phone and selected a playlist. Before she put the device in her pocket, she checked her messages and voicemail. Nothing. She contemplated sending Castle a text now but decided against it. Still too early. And if she did, she'd be more focused on her phone informing her of a new message than on her run. So she closed her phone, grabbed her keys, and left.

She ran for longer than she had planned but boy, did it feel good! When she got home, her head felt clearer. She went for a shower but only after texting Castle.

slept well?

She did not wait for his answer. After all, it was only 6 a.m., chances were he was still asleep.

Maybe she wasn't 100% ready to come clean to him but she refused to be like Sophia. She was going to tell him that she remembered everything, since when, why she lied, what he meant to her. She was going to fight for him, for them, because that was what she wanted: a "them". Maybe he was going to be mad at her but it was a risk she was willing to take. Even if she was scared of his reaction, she knew something had to change. She could not take the risk that his feelings changed because he got tired of waiting for her.

After her shower, she got dressed in her favorite pair of jeans and a light sweater, and picked up her phone.

She had one message waiting for her.

not really. you?

neither. breakfast?

He must have had his phone close by because she hardly had time to tie her hair in a ponytail that his reply came in.

could meet you at the park for coffee in 1 hour?

She knew which park he was referring to. And she knew she could be at his place before he'd leave. So she grabbed her purse, her keys and left her flat. She called a cab, got them coffees and some bear claws on her way to the loft. She was there 20 minutes after his text.

The knock on the door surprised him. Castle was finishing getting dressed, jeans and tee shirt, no socks on yet. His hair was still wet from the shower. And he wanted to check his phone to see if Beckett had replied to his last text.

And who could possibly show up at this hour on his doorstep? It could not be Alexis or his mother since they had their own keys and he knew where they were. So he quickly picked his phone on his bedside table and checked for a message while walking to the front door.

No new message.

OK. So get rid of whomever is behind the door and then call Beckett.

Castle opened the door a bit brusquely and came face to face with his partner. He looked at Beckett with big surprised eyes, then at his phone, then back at her.

"Hi Castle" Kate said softly. "I come bearing gifts." She lifted the coffees and the bag with the bear claws in front of her so he'd see them.

Castle smiled at her. Beckett bringing him coffee… He didn't know if it had the same meaning to her as it did to him, but she was here and seeing her made his heart beat a bit faster.

"I thought we were meeting at the park?" he asked while opening the door so she could come in.

"I know but your sofa is way more comfortable than the swings" replied Kate, and then she walked right past him to his kitchen.

Rick was so surprised that he giggled as he closed the door and turned around to join her at the counter.

He looked tired. Kate probably did not look any better, but seeing him helped.

"I wasn't sure at what time Martha and Alexis would get up" Kate said in a low voice "but since it's Saturday, I assumed it was still too early for them. I got them a bear claw each anyway."

He loved that she cared about the 2 women in his life. "They're not here" he said, getting a plate out for the bear claws. "Alexis is at Paige's, she'll be back in the afternoon. As for Mother, it is way too early for her walk of shame!"

"So you've spent the evening alone?" Kate asked, unable to hide the worry in her voice.

Castle chuckled as he took the bag of bear claws to empty it in the plate. "I'm a big boy, Beckett. I can spend an evening in my home alone."

"I know" said Kate as she handed him his coffee. "It's just that… after what Sophia said, I thought…"

Castle cut her off. " Yes, well, I think you were right about her. She told a lot of lies. She knew my father was a sensitive subject for me, so it wasn't difficult for her to hurt me with something personal."

"Have you told your mother?"

"No. And I won't" he answered looking at her, a silent request to her to keep that between the two of them. "Making my dad a spy was my way of coping with his absence and Mother knows that. So did Sophia. I think she said what she said only to feel like she had the upper hand." Castle took a sip of his coffee. "The more I think about it, the more I come to believe that she must have been a very lonely person in reality."

Kate could hardly believe what she was hearing. "You're feeling sorry for her?"

"No. I'm more …. disappointed. She really was a great agent, so good at her job. I saw her saving lives and doing really impressive stuff to put bad guys behind bars and protect the innocents. But the truth is she was lying every day to everybody around her. It must have been a very lonely life, to play a part 24/7 and at the same time to look for a way out. But I would never have imagined her deciding it was OK to murder a little girl in order to destroy world peace so she could be rich. I don't think I would have believed it if I had not witnessed it myself."

"I'm sorry Castle. For the pain she caused you."

Castle smiled at her. Kate looked so serious and worried about him that he felt the need to lighten up the atmosphere. "Well, I guess this is something that my poker buddies will never top: one muse tried to destroy the world, the other one saves it!"

This made Kate smile. "Yeah. Shame you can't tell them."

"Yeah!"

They remained silent, drinking their coffees and eating their bear claws. It was more difficult than Kate had imagined. She had yet to find a way to tell him the truth without destroying their relationship. The speech she had come up with earlier in the morning seemed to escape her now that she needed it.

She was so lost in her thoughts that she missed his question.

"A penny for your thoughts" said Castle after placing his hand on hers to call her attention.

"Sorry?" she asked, raising her head and looking at him.

"You seemed so far away just now. What's troubling you?"

"What makes you think something's troubling me?" Kate cursed herself for being on the defensive again. This wasn't how she needed to feel if she wanted to be honest with Castle. And he deserved her honesty, especially now that he was trying to overcome the hurt Sophia had caused him. She wanted him to know that even if she has deceived him as well, she was the muse he could rely on. And that implied no lie or secret between them. But boy was it difficult!

"The way you frowned" Castle replied. "You do the same when a case resists you."

Well, if that wasn't an opening.

"I can't help comparing myself to Sophia."

It took Castle a couple of seconds to process what Kate had just said. Maybe he misheard her? But the way she was looking at her coffee frowning, shoulders up, her hands on her drink, he recognized the signs when Kate was struggling with something. He wondered why she wouldn't look at him. He was at a lost as to what was going on in that beautiful mind of hers but he sure was going to do all he could to get to the bottom of it.

"Why would you compare yourself to Sophia? You two are so not alike! Well, you both are very smart and beautiful and can kick ass but that's about it. Your personalities are completely different and you would never, ever, do what Sophia has tried to do! You respect life too much."

"I've lied to you too" Kate said and then she looked at him. His big baby eyes were on her and she realised that he did not understand what she meant. "I remember everything. At the cemetery."

It was as if time was frozen.

Beckett was waiting for a reaction from Castle. Silence was not his forte, and the fact that he was just looking at her could not be a good sign. She got really scared.

Castle was processing Beckett's words. He could feel the hurt they had created in him, and he did not want to believe them. The look on her face was proof enough that she had just confessed to him. He saw 2 options from here: either he asked her for an explanation, or he asked her to leave.

"Since when?" he uttered "Did you remember at the hospital?"

"Yes" she said "and no."

Kate knew she was on a thin line. She had to pick her words very carefully from now on if she wanted him to understand why she had done what she had done.

"At first, I did not remember much. I was asleep most of the time and drugged. The first thing that came back was giving the eulogy and then, something hit me. Everything happened slowly. It got very cold and I could not breath. I remembered falling but that was all. It's my dad who told me that you tried to protect me but I didn't remember that."

His eyes on her were unreadable. She tried her best to keep looking at him because it was so very important that he knew she was being honest with him. But going back with him to this dark moment of her life was more difficult than she had expected. It was as if she could feel everything all over again, the pain her wound caused, feeling like you're in cotton because of the drugs, feeling lost, weak… All this with his eyes on her... She struggled to keep looking at him when she was feeling so crap. So she focused on her hands cradling her coffee.

"It came back as dreams, or nightmares, depending on the nights. The first dream was about my mum. She was telling me how proud she was of me, how strong I was. It was like when I had to go to the hospital to get my tonsils removed. Only I knew it wasn't that. Somehow I knew I was fighting for my life and my heart was the problem. But my mum was with me and she made me feel safe."

Kate could feel getting more emotional so she took a deep breath in and went on.

"Then, there was you. Your face was so close to mine. Your eyes were so sad, and you were scared. You kept on telling me to hang on, not to leave you. I could not understand why you were saying that. Why would I leave you? We're partners! I remember getting angry with you and thinking «Sometimes you say the most stupid things Castle!» But you kept on telling me not to go. I had this dream a few times before I actually heard you say…"

Kate stopped there. She could not say the words to him. She wanted to but they would not come out.

But he could.

"When I said that I loved you." His voice was emotionless, a bit harsh in fact. She had never seen Castle with such a close face. She realised that she still had no idea how this conversation could go, and it terrified her.

"Yes" she said softly. "There was this other dream as well, weird one. I was at my parents' home. I was in the garage working on my bike with James Dean."

Now that brought a reaction.

Castle was surprised. "James Dean?"

"Yes"

"The actor?"

"Himself. I'd say «in the flesh» but… well. I dreamt that we repaired my bike together." Kate leaned against the chair, her hands still around her drink and looked at him.

"These dreams were recurrent. I thought I'd created them at a time of need, of weakness, to help me cope with something that was too painful. Physically and emotionally. By the time you visited me at the hospital, I truly believed that they were just dreams. I mean, how could they be anything else? Two of them were about dead people, and one of them I'd never even met! I only had that poster of him on my bedroom walls, the one where he's on his bike, I'd seen some of his movies, but that's it! So the dream with you? It had to come from me, my own subconscious was playing tricks with me. I felt stupid... and ashamed. So when I told you I did not remember anything, I really thought I was telling you the truth."

Please, please, please, believe me, Kate thought, because it is the truth! She did not know what else to tell him to prove her honesty, but whatever questions he'd have, she would answer, that much she owed him.

That was a lot to digest. Castle was overwhelmed by what he had just heard and at the same time, it kind of made sense. Beckett must have been given so many drugs after her surgery, how could she not have had issues with distinguishing dreams from actual memories?

"OK" he said softly "I think I understand."

Kate let out a loud breath and smiled. He understood! He wasn't mad at her! Well, at least for that part of the story…

"Thank you" she said softly, fighting the tears. She could not afford to cry now. This discussion was far from over and she needed to remain calm and focused.

"What about when you came back?"