A/N: Thank you for the reviews! They made my day. This chapter was really difficult to put together, so I hope you enjoy it. The next update will be probably be next Tuesday because I'm away for the week-end as of tomorrow. Have a great week-end everyone xxx

Castle wasn't giving her much time to appreciate how glad she was about this first part of their discussion. Maybe he did not want her to think that she'd gotten away with it easily?

"When we talked on the swings" she replied, taking a big breath in and looking straight at him, "yes, I knew I was lying." She saw the hurt on his face as her words hit him. The hurt, the anger, the disbelief, it was all there. She was doing that to him. Just like Sophia had hurt him.

No, she was not Sophia. Her presence in his home, this discussion, it was proof she cared about him, about their partnership, their friendship. She was here for him. "I lied about not remembering your words because I did not know how to handle it. I could not acknowledge your feelings."

If Kate's words had been bullets, they would now have gone through his heart, one for each word. Castle had had his heart broken before, but this time, it was worse. Because he had believed in them like never before. Kyra had been his first love and losing her had nearly destroyed him at the time, but he was too young then to know exactly what being a couple really meant, what commitment was really about. Two divorces later, he knew how different his relationship with Kate was and how incredible their lives together could be. But her words were painful to hear, they crushed him. So to protect himself, Castle let anger lead the way.

"Then why didn't you tell me that you did not feel the same way Beckett? I could have taken it. I would not have liked it but at least, it would have been honest!" he said, shouting at her.

"Is that what you think?" Kate asked, incredulous. She thought he knew her better than that!

"Don't you dare Beckett!" Castle said angrily. "Don't you dare lie to me again. I'd never forgive you this time."

She could not remember ever seeing him this mad at her. She expected him to be hurt but not to be shouting at her. She made an effort to remain calm because she wanted to explain it all, she wanted him to understand where she was coming from. Lanie had told her he might be angry at her. But it was a different story to actually experience it.

But he was worth the fight. She just had to remain calm and focused.

"No lies Castle. I owe you that much."

"Damn right you do!"

"But you have to understand that I can't always give you a yes or no answer. Nothing was clear in my mind at the time. I had told no one that I remembered my shooting, not even my dad, not even the doctor I had to see to requalify. It wasn't that I didn't feel the same, Castle, it was…" Her voice gave away. Why was it so difficult?

"What was it then Beckett?" he asked, pressuring her to give him answers now.

"I was so angry. At everyone, including myself. And I was scared too. But I could not admit any of it because I was worried I would not get my shield back if I did. All I wanted was to come back to work and find the son of a bitch who had shot me so that I could find whomever was behind my mum's murder. I could not allow myself to get distracted by anything else."

"Distrac…" Castle repeated, incredulous. Was that all he was to her? A distraction? Some kind of a goof who followed her around to amuse her? Could he be more stupid? Could he have read the situation so wrong?

"It all backfired on me anyway," Kate continued, not noticing the shock on her partner's face, "you know that, you were there. The first person to draw a gun on me and I froze. I'd be dead if it wasn't for you. That was a huge slap in the face. But I was too angry to accept your help. Only I wasn't too stubborn to ignore reality. Like it or not, I did need help."

Kate took in a big inhale and looked directly at Castle because she considered what was coming next very important. It had been a huge step for her.

"So I went back to therapy. And this time, I decided to be honest. I told my doctor that I remembered everything and we've been working on everything that happened that day and afterwards. It's not easy, but it's definitely worth it." Because I wouldn't be able to do this now without all that work, thought Kate.

Castle didn't know if he had to be mad at her or in awe with her. Right now, he knew nothing. He just looked at her, his arms crossed on his chest, waiting for her to tell her story. Because there had to be more than that. Her decision to lie to him was deeper than what she had given him so far. It had to be.

Kate could not read him, he was closed to her. She had never seen him like this, so far out of her reach. But she took his silence as a sign of his interest in what she had come to tell him. He was willing to go to the bottom of her story. All hope wasn't lost then. It gave her strength to continue.

"When I was at my Dad's cabin, and then when I came back, I was very angry at everyone, as I said. At Montgomery, for lying to me for so long. He had had all the answers I had been looking for since we first met, even before, but he never said anything. He kept me in the dark, made me trust him with my life, admire him even, to finally sacrifice himself so I could not have my answers. And now, his kids have to grow up without their dad. How can that be fair? I was mad at my shooter for being so fucking bold and shoot me at Montgomery's funeral, in front of all those cops. I came back two months later to find out that my case was cold because there was no lead, and I could not accept it. I was mad at the son of a bitch who was behind all that, who thought he could dispose of lives as he wished. What gives him the right to think so? How many more people have to die on his order? And I was mad at you, for jumping in front of me to protect me from a bullet. What were you thinking? With your daughter and your Mum in the assistance? And then, just as I was losing consciousness, you tell me that you love me. I could not understand. When I first remembered it, I thought it was me creating that illusion because I needed to feel special to you so I'd have someone to fight for. Never mind that you were not my boyfriend! When eventually I realised that it had really happened, it took me some time to get my head around it. I had broken up with Josh by then because I knew I wasn't in love with him and I didn't want his help. I wanted to recover, and then I'd go to you. But recovery was hell, so I realised it was going to take some time before I could go to you. And my mind was all over the place. Maybe you had told me that because you thought I was dying in your arms and I didn't want to have to face the fact that you might want to take your words back. Or you meant it. But in that case, I owed you an answer. And I could not do that. Because either I lied and hurt you or I had to say something like «Yes Castle, I heard you loud and clear. But I really can't deal with that right now, so could we just pretend it never happen and focus on finding my mum's killer?». Asking you to wait was not an option. So I chose to keep my distances with you. That way, you would not be willing to put your life in danger because of me, Alexis would not lose her father, and I would not have to lie to you. It seemed like a good plan at the time. But of course, it did not work out like that. I'd barely been back at the precinct that Espo and Ryan told me you had my case file and you were the one chasing leads. If I wanted answers, I had to talk to you. I was at a crossroad. So I chose to keep on with my original lie. It seemed the least worst option."

"You were going to stay away from me?"

"It was the only way I could keep you safe. I did not want Alexis to lose you because of me."

"Waouh…" said Castle. He could not look at her anymore he was so hurt. He took a few steps in his kitchen, going in a circle like a lion in his cage. He had never imagined she'd consider staying away from him as a solution to a problem. That was a whole different ballgame.

That hurt so bad.

"Look Castle, I know it's a lot…."

"Waouh" he repeated. "So you'd rather not see me than lie to me. I don't know which one is worse."

"No Castle, that's not what I said."

"Oh, on the contrary Beckett, that's exactly what you said. Least worst option, remember?"

"Yes but… No but… That's not what I mean." She was losing control of the situation and she didn't know how to get it back.

"So what do you mean Beckett? You said you owed me the truth, so come on Kate, I'm still waiting."

"I've told you…"

"Excuses" he interrupted her, incapable to hide his frustration any longer. "That's all they are. I do not doubt that you've been through hell after your shooting and I know that you're still suffering from it sometimes. But YOU made the decision to go through it all alone Beckett. You did not have to. Lanie, the boys and me, we would have helped in any way we could have. But no, Detective Beckett does not need any help. Because God forbid Detective Beckett felt anything that she could not control. And you can't control love. No one can."

Her heart was beating so fast, it felt like it wanted to escape her chest. Her scar pulled. But she would not let it show. He was furious at her. He didn't understand.

She needed him to understand. She did not want to lose him. She had to find a way to make him realise she always had his best interests, his safety at heart. It was not an excuse.

"All I want Kate is an answer to one question. A truthful answer."

Why did she feel like being swallowed by a quicksand?

"Did you lie to me, pretend that you had not heard me at the cemetery when I told you I loved you, because you don't feel the same way?"

No, no, no! she thought. It wasn't like that. But the words could not pass her lips. She had to answer him otherwise he was going to have the wrong impression about her. She had to breath. She wasn't going to have a panic attack now!

Her silence was really infuriating him. And it was breaking his heart. One feeling made him want to punch holes in the wall, the other was bringing him to his knees.

But her eyes… If her mouth refused to answer him, her eyes did the talking. Fear mainly. Struggle, if her frowned eyebrows were any indication.

He was too angry to think properly. For some reasons, she couldn't, or wouldn't, answer him, so maybe it was better if they both retreated to their separate corners to calm down. At the very least he needed to calm down. To go on risked words spoken that could never be taken back nor forgotten and then it would really be the end of «them». No more partnership, no more muse, no more hope for a life together.

Rick shook his head, then passed his hands over his face, as if the gesture could somehow erase the frustration he was feeling and help him see more clearly. But when he opened his eyes, nothing had changed. For the first time, he needed to take his distance from Kate. He'd never thought it would happen one day.

But as often with her, she surprised him.

"You have come to mean so much to me, and I don't even know how that happened."

Kate could not bear seeing him like this, sad, angry and shouting at her. She could not bear the thought of making him feel like this. If he did not understand why she had made the decisions that had led them where they were now, then she had to find another angle, an even more personal one. Because losing him was not an option. Not anymore. So maybe she had to look at their relationship differently and say out loud what she hardly admitted to herself up until now.

"I meant what I said on the swings" she said in a low voice. "I have this wall inside me that I built up after my mum's death. When my dad turned to the bottle, it got thicker. I think I decided that if I never let anyone too close, I would never feel so much pain ever again. And since nothing lasts forever, I was bound to be hurt again. So I did my best not to let anyone close." She could see it so clearly now, how she had always dated men with jobs so consuming that there was hardly a chance for her to settle down with any of them. "But you?" she said, looking at him. "I don't know, it was as if keeping you at arm's length only gave you answers and you knew what to do next or say next to make me feel safe with you and make me like you even more. I don't know how to explain it, it is so weird."

He was frowning. Obviously she wasn't very clear but he was still listening, that was what mattered.

"You tried to protect me from a bullet, Castle. You were willing to take a bullet for me. And that scared me. It was an extreme situation and you made an extreme decision, one that could have cost you your life. And I don't want Alexis to know what it's like to grow up without a parent she loves so much. And I don't want Martha to lose her only son. Certainly not because of me. And I didn't want to put you in a situation where once again you'd make the same decision in a heartbeat, without a second thought about the consequences. So yes, staying away from you was the least worst option because it kept you alive."

Looking at the situation like that, Castle could understand. She thought she was protecting him from himself in a way. She didn't want him to die. Just like he didn't want her to die.

His frowned face relaxed a bit. Was she getting through to him?

"But there is something else. I wasn't only scared that you could die because of me. I was scared of the possibility that I would have to live without you."

He could not follow her logic there. She decided to stay away from him, so not to have him near her. Didn't that mean living without him anyway?

"I had nightmares, or a noise would frighten me like never before. I was weak, and I hated it. Every day I'd end up with my phone in my hand, about to call you. I wanted you to take the pain away. And I knew that if I called you, you would have come right away."

"Of course I would have" he whispered. Of course he'd come to her if she called him. How could he not?

Kate nodded. "So not only would I take you away from your mother and your daughter after they saw you jumping in front of a bullet to protect me, but I was also putting my recovery in your hands."

So he had been right. She decided to go through her recovery on her own. She refused his help even though she knew at some level that she needed him. She didn't want him around in her life, not like that. Not like he wanted her in his life. Completely.

"I've worked very hard to be where I am now. It wasn't always easy and I've had my fair share of doubts. But I hanged in there and gave it my all to be the best cop I could be. And you understand that. Some people make comments on my life because I am a woman in a men's world or because I'm married to my job instead of a man and they try to figure out what that means. But not you. No, you, you kind of catalogue everything, but you don't judge. And then you can say exactly what I need to hear to feel better or move on or not lose hope, because you understand what brought me here, what made me who I am. I've never had anyone like you by my side before. And when I was at my dad's cabin and I was about to call you, I realised that I had become dependent on you in a way. I expected you to always be there, by my side, and to help me with whatever situation I was facing."

Castle was speechless. He knew her well but only because she had come to accept him at work and little by little to trust him. He had no idea she looked at him like that. He had hoped to read the signs right and that she cared about him more than she let on, but that, what she just said, it was… intense. The words were going straight to his heart, mending it a bit.

"When I realised that, I understood how I felt about you, really." Kate took a deep breath. "I am in love with you." She had said it. She said the words, looking straight at him, seeing his face registering the words, and nothing bad happened. He was not making fun of her (not that she expected him to) or running away (no, that was her speciality) or turning her down because he was too mad at her or his feelings had changed. He was smiling at her. Not that huge smile that illuminated his face when he was happy, granted, but it was a smile all the same.

She had done it. She had told him she loved him and it wasn't that scary anymore. Well, it still was a bit but not petrifying anymore.

Only she wasn't done yet. So no running to his arms for a hug and a kiss. Not yet.

"You said that you loved me and I realised that I felt the same way. But it wasn't the answer to everything. I was still mad at you for what you had done at Montgomery's funeral. I still am in a way. So one way to protect you and keep you safe was to stay away from you. That's part of why I never called. I had no info that you guys had arrested my shooter so as long you weren't with me, I could believe you to be safe. When things were really bad, especially after I started PT, I would look at your picture on my phone or my books, for strength, hope of better times, I don't know what exactly. But it helped. So you see, in a way, you helped me. You were with me the whole time Castle, just not in person. And then I realised something else. Well, two somethings actually."

She could not backdown now. She was spilling her heart out to him and had to go to the end of it if she wanted a chance to have a life with him. She owed it to him. He was right, she had made the decision to live her recovery alone. He thought it was out of pride, but he was wrong. It was much worse than that. Her fears had nearly destroyed them, they still could, but she was determined not to let them define her anymore. She knew she could be stronger than them if she did the work.

For him. For them.

"The problem when you have a lot of time on your hands and not much to do, it's that you think. A lot. Sometimes, it's good, sometimes, not so good. And you feel like you're always going over the same things. It's a never-ending story where no character gets anywhere. And that was on a good day!"

Rick could not help smiling. Not that Kate was saying anything funny, but he liked the image. He'd had a greater impact on her that he'd ever thought.

And she loved him!

"I started thinking about what ifs. What if I can't get my shield back because I never recover from my shooting? What if they find me tomorrow and come to shoot me and I can't protect my Dad and myself? What if they kill me and my Dad finds my body? What if they go after you?" Kate's voice broke down at the end of that question, so she took a moment before going on. It had been one of the most awful scenarios she had come up with. "If you were to die, Castle, I would never get over it. And it would be even worse if you were to die because of me. I came to understand my dad's alcoholism after my mum's death. My parents were really happy together. And I believe they would have grown old together. He adored her. They were strong together in ways they would never have been separately. They supported each other in everything they did. Oh, they had their arguments of course, but they always made up. He told me that when she died, a part of him died as well, the part that made his life beautiful, fun, amazing, worth living. Without the love of his life, everything lost its appeal, and being alive meant being constantly in pain for him. He told me as well that he didn't want to feel anything because it was too damn hard. For once, I understood. So knowing you were alive and safe was more important to me than being with you. But when I came back and I was thrown towards you again, I had to adjust. At least until we solve my mum's case."

Please tell me you understand now, she thought, her eyes searching his face.

Rick did not like this trail of thoughts. You can't spend your life isolating yourself because you are scared of losing the ones you loved. That wasn't a life! You can't only see the negative in life, you'd never do anything! And Kate wasn't the kind of person to be scared like this. She was always so strong! That bullet had done more damage than just the physical wound. He wished he'd been there to help her.

Kate could see that Castle was processing what she had just said and if his body language wasn't telling her he was still furious at her, he wasn't either about to open his arms wide for her. His anger had diminished, but he still was waiting for her to be a 100% honest with him. And somehow, he knew she wasn't done, he knew there was more.

And he was right.

"It was weird" she started again, "because you were not with me, but you were in my thoughts all the time. Everything I did, it was to come back to you. I know it contradicts what I said earlier but I don't think I actually understood it until recently. While I was recovering, I realised that what I was doing was hiding from the truth: I was weak. My body was weak and very slow to recover. I was really worried I'd never get back in shape. I could not wait to start physiotherapy but once I did, every session was so damn painful and progress so slow. At least for me, my doctors were happy. But it wasn't just my body. If I ever was to be in a relationship with you, I wanted to be your equal. You deserve someone who won't be scared by her own shadow, stupid dreams and God knows what else. I used to feel like your equal, but not anymore. So I had a lot of work to do, and I still do. That's also why I went back to therapy after that first case. I had to learn how to deal with the aftermath of my shooting, my body was getting better and stronger, but my mind was still in pieces. I had to put the work in to feel good again in my own skin, and confident. I wanted you to look at me again as someone you admired, not someone weak you'd want to protect and help."

"You are not weak" Castle said rather sharply.

"Castle…"

Oh no, he's not letting her get her way with this one. "No Kate, I can't let you think that. For the past 5 minutes, all I've heard from you is how scared you are of everything, even your own thoughts, and how weak you are." Castle moved back to the kitchen island behind which she was sitting. "But look at all you've accomplished since you've been back. Admitting you needed help takes guts and I am so glad you have someone who can give you the help and support you need. You are not weak. Your wings might have been damaged for a time, but you fixed them with your courage, determination and hard work and now you can fly again."

The tears started falling and Kate could not stop them. "Damn you" she said, wiping them off her face. "You always say the sweetest things." In normal circumstances, Kate would have had a witty comment for him, but today, she could not find anything. She let his words touch her heart when she usually hides behind humour.

"I mean them Kate. You are stronger than you think. And you prove it every day at work, when you close cases and bring justice to victims and their families."

She shuddered. "I guess things always look different depending on the point of view you look from."

"You're welcome to try mine anytime. You'd be amazed by what I see."

Kate laughed. She walked into that one blindly… She looked at him and the love in his eyes went straight to her heart and radiated through her body. She was tired, long case, difficult case, lack of sleep, a very emotional morning. But when he looked at her like this, she felt like she could take on the world.

"Can you forgive me?" she dared ask, worried he'd still be mad at her.

Rick wanted to say "Yes, of course I forgive you" right away, but it wasn't that simple.

"You hurt me Kate. I appreciate your honesty today. I don't know what brought it up but I'm glad you came this morning and we talked. I understand better, I think. But there's still a lot to process."

"I understand, Castle." It wasn't exactly the answer she wanted, but he wasn't rejecting her right here and now, so she'd take it gladly. "I didn't come here today hoping that after I came clean with you, you'd open your arms to me or we'd end up in bed right away. I'm here because I need you to know that you can trust me. I'm not going to hurt you like she did."

Ah yes, that was it. Castle remembered now what had started her confession: Sophia Turner. Somehow, it tampered his mood.

"Sometimes it happens. When you truly love someone, you have the best tools to hurt that person."

"Sophia did not love you. I doubt she ever loved anyone. She was too angry. And jealous."

Castle frowned at that.

"She saw how annoyed I was that she was your first muse when I thought I was your only muse. She openly flirted with you and I hated it, just like I hated it when you two were in synch. I thought that was our thing. But you could do that with her as well."

"Jealous Beckett?"

"Hell yeah! But I should have seen through her. She told me that she regretted sleeping with you because it had hampered the flame and excitement you two shared before the sex." Kate shook her head. "I think she realised that you and I had something special that you two never had and that maybe you and I could work in ways you two never had. And she didn't like that. I think she wanted to be the only muse you would ever sleep with."

Waouh! Where had that come from? Kate really had not thought saying this out loud because it was something she had come up with last night in a bit of a desperate moment to prove to herself that she wasn't like Sophia. But now that she had said the words to Castle, the man between the two women, she felt, well, silly, pathetic…

"Jealousy suits you, Kate" Rick said, smiling.

"Shut up!" she jerked, feeling her face getting all red.

"And you're right. What you and I share, it's nothing like what I had with Sophia. It was just lust with her."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?"

"I can make the difference Kate. What I feel for you, I've never felt it for anyone else. Somehow this time, I know it's the real thing. That's why I think we have to be careful from now on. We both have to know what we want out of this relationship before we go any further."

Kate had never expected him to be the one to say to go slowly. She wanted him, but she wasn't sure now was the right time.

"I'm not ready Castle. I'm sorry but I think that if we start something now, I'll screw it up somehow. There are still many things I need to figure out. The wall has nearly disappeared, but the foundations are still there."

Her mum's case. He was worried about it as well. How she'd react if she ever got answers, if she knew about what he had done, about his deal with M. Smith… He needed to figure out a way to come clean to her.

Seats had turned.

"I understand, Kate. If we do this, I want it to be forever. I want to be your one and done."

He remembered that? He was really amazing. And he was willing to wait for her. It wasn't fair, but it was a better place to be than where they stood until this morning. At least now she had a valid objective to work towards.

"OK. Good. I'm really glad I came then" she said with a smile on her face.

Now that they were on the same page, all tension vanished and suddenly, she felt really tired. Her head felt heavy, her body felt heavy as well. She needed some rest. She needed to go home and figure out her next moves.

She just had to avoid his arms, because if he gave her a hug, she was doomed…

Castle was exhausted. He knew he should be euphoric at least that Beckett had finally said the three words he had been so longing to hear from her. But he couldn't. He was hurt by her behaviour. If it wasn't for this case with the CIA, she would have kept on lying to him. He didn't know how to handle that.

But at the same time, he was amazed by her. She was so strong and courageous. It took guts to do what she had done today. It pained him that she could not see it for herself.

But before that, he had to find a way to tell her about his deal with M. Smith without her jumping head first in her mum's case again and forgetting (or should he say ignoring?) all that had happened this morning. And he knew there was a risk she might never forgive him his silence.

He didn't want her to go, but he thought it was best. It would give him time to process everything and organise his thoughts before it was his turn to come clean to her. That discussion wasn't one he could handle unprepared.

"I think it's best if I leave now" Kate said softly. "I think we both need to digest what happened."

"OK."

Kate got up and walked to the front door, Castle right behind her. When they reached the door, she turned around. There were so close, their bodies practically touching and she could feel his warmth and breath his scent in.

"See you soon" she said softly, fighting the urge to close the distance between them.

"I can drive you back if you want, or call you a cab" he offered as softly.

Beckett smiled. She wasn't the only one struggling right now. "I'll be fine Castle. Remember in our partnership, I'm the one with a gun, I can take care of myself."

"Oh I know you can. I just wanted to…"

"I know" she cut him off. "Call me when you want to talk."

"OK."

And with that, he opened the door and she walked out.