A/N: Thank you for the reviews and favorites. I'm really glad you guys like this story. I hope this chapter will meet your expectations. There's only 1 more chapter after this one and the story will be complete. Enjoy the read!
It was early evening and Kate was alone at home. She was exhausted and restless at the same time. Between their latest case and her talk with Castle in the morning, she felt drained. But also happy in a way: she had come clean to Castle. There were no more secrets between them. If he could accept her reasons for lying to him all these months and forgive her, then they had a chance together.
She had called Lanie earlier on, to tell her about her visit to Castle. Talking with her friend, she had decided to wait until Castle contacted her. She could give him the time he needed to process it all, it was the least she could do for him. She only hoped he would contact her before Monday morning so they could sort out a few things before going back to work, like her mom's case, how their discussion this morning might affect their working relationship… She really wanted that discussion with him. Hopefully so did he…
She was about to switch the TV on when she heard the ping on her mobile. A new message. She went to the kitchen counter where she had left her phone.
It was from Castle.
can we talk?
Kate froze. Was it a good thing that he wanted to talk now, just a few hours after their last conversation? It was what she wanted but to see him make the move was suddenly scary to her.
And usually, Castle just showed up at the door when he had something to say to her. How was she supposed to take his text? Good omen? Bad one?
Well, that was what you wanted. No point delaying your reply to him, she thought. But rather than texting him back, she decided to call him. If she could hear his voice, she'd have an idea as to which direction he wanted their talk to go.
He picked up on the second ring.
"Hi Castle, it's me" Kate said, trying to keep her voice as neutral as possible. She didn't want him to think that she'd been waiting for him all day long to contact her.
"Hi Beckett. You got my text."
The seriousness she could pick up in his voice worried her. "Yes." She did not dare say more.
"I was wondering if maybe we could meet."
His voice was a bit more hesitant now. What was she supposed to make of it?
"Sure Castle. When do you want to meet?" she asked, as her heartbeat accelerated. She had to remember to breath.
"Well, it's still early so I thought we could maybe meet now?"
And get this over with, Kate thought immediately. Deep breath in before she answered. "Now's fine. Where?"
He took a few seconds before replying. Was he so surprised she was willing to meet him now?
"Can I come over? Alexis is at home tonight and I'd prefer if it was just you and me."
He's dumping me. He can't forgive me. She closed her eyes and did her best to keep her voice still. "OK. I'll wait for you then."
"Be there in 30."
"Good." Kate hung up and grabbed hold of her kitchen table with both hands. She forced herself to breathe deeply several times, her eyes still closed. She could not break down now, not before he came here to say what he had to say. She could not let her fears overwhelm her and bring her on the verge of a panic attack. She had about 30 minutes to compose herself. After a few breaths, Kate started to feel her heart beating at a slower rate. She opened her eyes.
She was OK. He just wanted to talk. And to see her in private. So maybe he wanted to tell her that he had forgiven her, that he loved her and he wanted them to discuss the next step, whatever it was.
But he could have said that over phone, or just showed up at her door, no need to request a meeting for that.
«Oh, get a grip woman!» Kate said to herself. «You chase murderers for a living! Surely you can handle a conversation with Castle that will define your whole future! He wants to see you. It's much better than when he broke up with Gina over the phone. Just focus on the chance you have to convince him that you meant what you said earlier. Now stop talking to yourself and go get ready!»
Kate changed into a pair of jeans that she knew did wonders to outline her curves and a white short sleeve v neck tee-shirt that covered the belt of her jeans. She had enough time left to prepare some coffee.
When she heard the knock on the front door, she was determined not to let this be the last conversation they would ever have.
Kate opened the door, and there he was. Hands in his jeans' pockets, a black vest over a blue shirt, one of her favourites.
"Hi" Kate said with a smile.
"Hi Beckett" he said, returning her smile.
"Come in" her voice got stronger, in hope that the smile on his face meant that he was here to give them a chance as a couple.
She closed the door behind him and followed him to the kitchen. Her eyes landed on his neck and she wished she could touch the skin between his hair and his jacket. She imagined it very smooth to the touch. And if she could touch him there, it meant that she'd be in his arms and boy did she want to be there! But for the time being, she just had to do with her imagination. Her eyes lowered to his back and then his ass. Even though his jacket was covering it, she could not help lingering on that part of his anatomy and smile.
They had to have a chance.
Kate met him in front of her kitchen island and looked at him. She could see hesitation, fear, determination. This wasn't going to be a smooth walk in the park.
"You wanted to talk to me" Kate said to break the uncomfortable silence.
"Yes" Castle said.
As he looked straight at her, Kate could not help remembering again the last time they'd had such a conversation at her place. They had argued, she had thrown him out of her condo, out of her life, and then Montgomery had died. She had been shot. Everything had gone to hell after that talk.
"I've spent the whole day thinking about our talk of this morning" Castle said with some hesitation even himself could hear in his voice. He was risking it all, but what choice did he have? "I haven't been able to do anything else actually. I've even talked it over with my mother. And I've come to the realisation that even if I don't like the fact that you've been lying to me all these months, and that I have no way of knowing if or when you would have come clean to me if it hadn't be for this case with the CIA and Sophia, I'm glad you came to me this morning. I know it took you a lot of courage to tell me the truth after all this time and I wanted you to know that I'm really glad you did it."
"Thank you Castle" Kate said with a big smile. "I'm glad I did as well. I think it cleared the air. And we deserve better than living with this cloud over our heads. I mean, obviously, I was the only one knowing there was a cloud in the first place, but it wasn't something I was comfortable with, you need to understand that…"
"Kate" Castle interrupted her, raising his hand between them to stop her babbling away. "Kate it's OK. I've been waiting for a long time to hear you say that you loved me, and even if this wasn't really the declaration that I had imagined, what matters is that you said these words to me. And what you did this morning, coming to me to tell me a secret you had kept for several months, it made me realise that I owed you just as much."
"What do you mean?" she asked, puzzled.
"You had your secret, and I have mine." Castle took a deep breath in. "Here goes nothing" he thought. "There is something that I have kept from you since you've been back. Something to do with your mother's case."
It felt like she had been punched in the chest. Surely she heard him wrong? He wasn't saying what she thought he meant.
He's had a lead on her mom's case and he hasn't said anything?
"You… What?" were the only words she could muster.
"After you came back, you started digging in your mom's case again. I got a phone call one evening. He said his name was M. Smith. He said he was a friend of Montgomery's and that at his request, he could ensure your safety, as long as you stopped investigating your mother's murder."
Her mind could not process what he was saying. She heard his words, but all together, they did not make sense.
"M. Smith said that Montgomery had a file on the man behind the whole case. Before he died, Montgomery sent it to him, asking him to contact the Dragon and continue the deal he had with him. No harm was to come to you, or the file would be made public. But M. Smith was out of town when the file arrived, so he could only contact the Dragon after you were shot. When you came back and started digging again, he called me. He said the only way he could guarantee your protection was to make sure you would not investigate this case anymore. My job was to make sure you wouldn't, I was to divert your attention from anything potentially linked to it."
"Your job? You made a deal?" she asked incredulous. "You had a lead on my mom's case and you made a deal on my life without telling me anything about it?!" Her voice went crescendo. "What were you thinking? How could you imagine, even for one second, that it was OK for you to make a decision about my life?"
Her anger sparked his own. "You're right Kate, I'm the bad guy here. I made the decision to do everything I could to keep you safe. Is it so hard for you to understand that maybe seeing the woman I love die in my arms from a bullet in the heart once was enough of a reason for me to try and do everything I could to make sure it would never happen again!"
"You don't get to make decisions for me Castle! I'm not a child. I'm a cop. It's my job to bring criminals to justice."
"But it's not any case Kate! This is the case that took your mother away from you when you were still a kid. It nearly killed you too! We are not dealing with any criminal here. The Dragon has got connections, money, power, influence. He managed to remain hidden all these years and he's not giving up his position and security so easily. As much as I would like to believe that you will place your handcuffs around this bastard's wrists one day, I know we won't get there anytime soon. The only way we can do that is by outsmarting him, and this requires time, discreet investigations, preparation of some sort of a plan of attack. Which is exactly what you never do on your mom's case Kate, and you know that. You just dive head first into whatever clue turns up and you ignore everything else. And that is what will get you killed."
"You don't know that!"
"Yes I do! It happened once, and I sure as hell am not ready to witness it again!"
The man was so full of himself! Who did he think he was? How could he belittle her like that and think he was right to do so?
"It doesn't give you the right to make decisions for me, and most certainly not about my mom's case! How can we be partners if I can't trust you to tell me everything?"
"That's low Kate. You know you can trust me. I'll always have your back."
"As long as I behave like you want, is that it? What was it? Payback for not keeping in touch while I was recovering from a bullet wound to the heart you could not save me from?"
Castle took a step back and diverted his eyes from her. He could not look at her anymore, not after those words. He had hoped she'd understand his actions were motivated only by his love for her, but apparently, it was too much to ask her. His heart was crushed, but he wasn't going to let her admire her handiwork. "If that's what you think of me Beckett" he said in a low voice, defeated, "then there is nothing more for me to say."
If her mom's case was all that mattered to her at the end of the day, who was he to try to offer her a life? Clearly no one she wanted by her side. He thought he knew her, but he was wrong.
"If all that matters is your mom's case, I'll have all my notes sent to you. You can solve it on your own, or die trying. But I won't be there to watch you throwing your life away for it. I can't do that. Goodbye Detective." And with that, he walked towards her front door. This had a bitter taste of déjà vu and before he could stop his mind, he saw her again dying in his arms after a similar argument. He truly hoped this wasn't history repeating itself.
"Castle wait!"
He stopped, half way to the door. "Why? So you can insult me some more?" he asked, not even bothering to turn around to face her.
"I'm sorry" Kate said, her voice trembling. She was struggling to control her temper. Right now she hated herself for what she had said to him. She had let her fears and her anger take control and it was as if all that she's been talking about with Lanie since the previous night had never happened. Deep down, she knew he never chose to make the deal as a revenge for her silence over the summer. It was a stupid thing to think. He wasn't that kind of a man. What scared her was the risks he was willing to take to keep her safe. Hearing him telling her of the deal and why, she realised that this man would go to hell and back for her. Was it really possible to love someone like that? And if it was, could it last? Could she love him like that?
He was still facing the door but he had turned his head a bit to the left. He had heard her apology but was obviously waiting for more. She could not mess this up.
"Lanie warned me. She told me my attitude to my mom's case was going to be a problem. Because once you and I are together, I can't just follow any lead as I've done until now, with no regards to the consequences except finding him. I tell her she's right, that you and I need to talk about it, that I'm willing to change for you, for us, and look what happens! First mention of a lead and I'm at your throat! But I never thought you'd be able to keep a secret like this from me. Mind you, I never thought that of Montgomery either!"
Kate looked at Castle. He had not moved at all. She breathed in deeply, removed a tear from her jaw and decided to be as honest with him as she had ever been.
"I don't know if you have it in you to forgive me for the words I just said, Rick. I know that you had only the best intentions when you made this deal. I don't want you to go. After what I've done to you this year, I can't blame you for wanting to protect me from this Dragon, from myself even." It was becoming more difficult to fight those damn tears. God, she was a mess! "I knew I wasn't ready to talk to you this morning, but I just could not go on like this anymore."
"Why?" Castle asked as he turned around. "What changed? Was it meeting one of my exes? Finding out you were not my only muse?"
Castle was facing her now. He wasn't leaving anymore. He had more questions. He was staying here. And she was going to make sure he would not regret it.
"No" she answered, looking straight at him. "At first, I thought it was because of her, what she had been to you. But no, it wasn't just because I was jealous of what you two had." She took a second before continuing, to make sure her thoughts were in the right order. "I can't stand the thought of anything happening to you. When we were in the Hudson, I thought you had drowned. And I didn't want to get out of the car if you weren't going to either. I didn't think about anyone else, just you. If I wasn't able to save you, then there was no reason for me to live anymore. I don't know how you managed to survive and get us out of there but that was the moment I knew I had to accept my feelings for you. I had come too close to losing you again. When we were on the pier and you held me, I would have given anything to stay in your arms forever. You make me laugh, you make me feel alive, and safe, and loved. I've never had that before, never believed it could happen to me before. But you changed everything. And I'm sorry I could not protect you from Sophia. The pain she caused you, I wish I could take it away." Kate chuckled at her words, unable to fight the tears any longer. "I told you I wasn't ready. I'm a mess. You deserve better, Castle, someone stronger and not so complicated. If you can't forgive me for what I said, I'll understand." At that, Kate retreated to her living room and sat down on her sofa, her head in her hands.
Rick was at a loss. What exactly did she want? One minute, she was at his throat, the next she asked for his forgiveness. She was driving him crazy. But looking at her sat on the sofa, crying, she looked so lost. It hurt.
He walked closer to her to stand a few feet from her. "I don't want to lose you, Kate. I want us to figure this out and give us a chance" Castle said "but I can't be in this alone. You have to know what you want as well Kate. Nobody but you can make this decision."
"So I have to choose between you and my mom's case?"
"No. I'm asking you to decide whether you want to include me in your life or not. Because I know we can be great together Kate. I can make you happy, but only if you are willing to live a bit for yourself. You have to decide to live in the present, not in the past."
"I can't give up my mom's case, Castle" Kate said, looking up at him. "I've come too far now."
"I know. And I would never ask you to drop it. All I'm asking, is that you stop thinking it's you against the Dragon and ignore the people around you who love you. I'm asking you to accept the fact that this case requires a new approach, that you need our help, Ryan, Esposito and me, to put a plan in place so we can bring this guy to justice. The only way we can do this is by taking him by surprise. Because he's got all his bases covered. He's had years to protect himself and his actions. There's no way we can arrest him if you follow any lead as soon as it presents itself and as openly as you've done it until now. You need a new approach, Kate."
"And how would it work?" she asked as she got up. "I'm a cop, that was what I do. I follow every clue to where it leads, that's how I catch killers! So what? I ignore it? I pretend I do not see it? How long do you advise I wait before I can look into it?"
Castle knew she was getting all worked up again because she had no control at all with this case and it terrified her to be so helpless. She had to find another option and he wanted to be part of it. "This is what we need to talk about" he replied calmly. And he could see she had not expected this answer from him because she was surprised by his words. "I'm not saying I've got everything figured out but things have to change Kate, because otherwise, he will win. And you'll die without knowing who he is."
Lanie had said the same thing to her. So had her dad. And Montgomery. She knew somehow that they were right, but it was so hard to let go! She had made so much progress in this case since Castle reopened it that she could not bring herself to close it again now and put it back in a box just because it was getting too dangerous.
There had to be some balance somewhere. She just had to find it. And she had the best of motivation for that now: Rick. She wanted to find her mom's killer, but she also wanted him. This want was new, different, attractive and irresistible. Could she have everything? Maybe not, but looking at him here in her living room, fighting for the two of them to have a chance together, she sure wanted to believe she could have a life with him. So what if she had to compromise even before they got involved together? He was not asking her to give up her search, just to change her approach. She could do that. She wanted to do that if it meant she could have a life with him. Because deep down, she wanted to believe that they could be great together. It scared her sometimes how she could so easily imagine a life with him, a happy life, happily ever after as the fairy tales said. Something she stopped believing in after she lost her mom. But this amazing man in front of her had made her want to believe in happily ever afters again. With him.
"If I promise not to jump head first when something comes up in the case, you have to promise never to keep anything from me again? No more secrets. Ever."
She's making a bargain! She is seriously considering his demand and telling him that she's willing to change her tactics when not even 5 minutes earlier she was screaming at him and was ready to bite his head off! God he loved that woman!
Oh but hold on, there was a problem.
The big smile on his face that had showed up when she had asked for his promise suddenly disappeared. No! What was going on?
"We are only talking about the case, right? This no secret policy doesn't apply to birthdays and anniversaries and Christmas or Valentine's day, does it? Because I can't agree to that!"
"Seriously, Castle?!"
"Yes, of course, I'm serious! Because I intend to spoil you on these days and it will be a secret until the moment you discover what I've planned for you."
"Castle, I don't want you to spoil me, I just want you to love me."
Kate realised what she was saying the second the words were out of her mouth. And then she smiled. She had no idea saying these words would be so liberating. Probably because they were true.
"I can do both" he said with the biggest smile on his face. "I want to do both."
She loved it when he smiled so wholeheartedly, he looked like a kid on Christmas morning, when he's opening all his presents. She found it very difficult not to smile as well.
"I want to do both as well" she said softly.
Their eyes were locked on each other and Kate felt like they had just sealed their relationship. A bit like a marriage vow but somehow more intimate because it was the first time they were having such a personal conversation where they both were 100% honest with one another and they were moving together in the same direction. Somehow, they had found each other.
It made everything else look so much easier.
"OK" said Kate, "the no more secret policy only applies to cases we'll work together, and my mom's case."
"Then I promise" Castle said immediately.
"Good" said Kate "because I promise too." And just like that she felt lighter than ever. Nothing stood in her way to happiness with Castle. She understood now that all she had needed since she remembered his love declaration at Montgomery's funerals was a confirmation that his feelings hadn't changed, that he still loved her, that he was genuinely there for her and not his books. She suspected it, she hoped for it, but she wasn't sure.
Somehow she knew her wall had disappeared tonight. Because she felt like nothing held her back from going to him right now, put her arms around his neck and bring his head down to hers so their lips could touch. Their first kiss. Well, technically it was their second, but this one, this one was going to lead to something so much better than an arrest for murder and assault on police officers!
His tongue asked for access to her mouth and she granted it gladly. As their kiss deepened, she lowered her hands to his neck, then his chest, insinuated them under his jacket so they could follow their journey to his back. Then she brought her body close to his, so close that there was no space left between them. One of his hands remained on her neck while the other went down to her ass and gripped it hard. She moaned in his mouth. Eventually the need for air became too strong and she brook their kiss. He brought his forehead to hers, not ready to break the contact yet. She opened her eyes to look at him. His eyes were closed and his breathing as laboured as hers. He was so beautiful.
"Stay" she whispered.
He opened his eyes, moved his head back a bit to look at her. His eyes went from her eyes to her lips and then back to her eyes again. She could see his desire in the way he looked at her and she felt her own grow stronger. Kate removed her hands from his back, and moved away from him, just enough to grab one of his hand. She intertwined her fingers with his and lead him to her bedroom. He let her take him away.