Saki POV

It was the first time I ever tried to fight for something I myself truly wanted. The day had arrived, and I finally uttered those words I had been trying to hold back.

I recall grabbing his slightly rough but warm arm, but I wanted much, much more.

I desire him. I want to smother those lips of his, to hug and hold him close, and to never ever let go. I want him so bad. I would be lying if I claimed that I never fantasize about him. I am, after all, a teenage girl. But my feelings go far beyond that. I see him as a dependable companion, as a partner. Someone whom, honestly, I wouldn't mind spending the rest of my life with. He's far above anyone I've ever met.

I decided to take my fate in my own hands, to control my own destiny. I couldn't take back those words I had uttered, and I wasn't going to. They were, after all, my true feelings. I could sense that he was like me, always annoyed by those around us who keep facades for the sake of keeping facades, so I decided to tell him what I felt in the most direct manner I could. No way the one who is ranked third in Japanese level wide could have misinterpreted my words, right?

I became afraid when I woke up. He was no longer by my side, and I was waiting for a reply which I could only hope for. It was, after all, out of my hands now. The ball was in his court. I pushed for it once more when he came over. He was stunned, and I guess he needed more time. And so I did.

I wanted to spend more time with him, and I used the events of the past few days as an excuse. I had wanted to ask him at the beginning of the day when there weren't many people around, but I couldn't summon the courage. Knowing that he would leave the class for lunch whenever he could, I decided to wait for that instead.

I had wanted to follow him discreetly, but with the sidelong glances he threw at me, I knew that I had been spotted, for his footsteps had stopped. I moved up alongside him and made my request. Then I did that embarrassing thing that I would rather not think about.

As much as I would have liked to keep it in, my heart couldn't take it anymore. I wanted an answer, no, I needed an answer.

His answer hit me like a knife stabbing through my heart. It really, really hurt. Tears flowed from my eyes and streaked down my cheeks. Looking at the man who was the cause of all this for one last time, I bolted away. I couldn't take it anymore. I had prepared myself for such an eventuality. Even then, nothing could have fully prepared me for when my fears came true. Even now, tears nestle at the corner of my eyes as I think of this.

I hated all of this. This was never who I wanted to be. I had to help my parents take care of my siblings since I was young. I was, after all, the eldest. Don't get me wrong, I love my siblings very much, and I still do. However, it came at a heavy cost. I could never ever join in the fun with everyone. After school, I used to get invites to hang out, but I had to turn them down, to be the responsible daughter I was forced to be. Eventually, the invitations died down, and before long they stopped entirely.

It was so difficult to turn them down. Every time they would approach me with an expression full of hope, but I had to be the villain. I had to turn them down. Eventually, I discovered that it was simply much easier to scare them off before they even tried to approach me. That way, no one would have any hurt feelings. It wasn't that I chose to be a loner, I was merely more selective of who I wanted to spend my time with, and unfortunately, even that was a luxury given my circumstances.

I had sacrificed immensely for the sake of my beloved siblings, but am I selfish in wanting something for myself? It was an unfair burden to carry, and I definitely didn't wish that anyone else needed to shoulder it, but I just wanted someone who would understand me, whom I could depend upon, and I saw it in him.

Was this too much to ask for?

I really thought he was the one, but now I realise how naive I was. I expected him to change for me, and my perceptions of him were evidently glorified, or were they? Was it really too much for me to have the one thing I truly desire?

This cruel world is so unfair.

Hachiman POV

I rode away from school, and I once again set forth to fetch Komachi. This time, I was alone. Much like the past few days. But as the cold bit at my exposed cheeks, I felt lonely, for Kawasaki was not with me. She had disappeared immediately after the bell rang. Somehow she had managed to pack her belongings faster than me, and she was gone by the time I looked up. As I approached the bike stand, I could see that her bike was already long gone. I had wanted to wait for her, but it looks like she had other plans of her own.

What have I done?

I offered her my friendship, and she ran away in tears. Those beautiful eyes contorted by pain. The tears that began to flow down her cheeks as she ran past me. I was shocked, confused, and… worried?

Yet, my feet refused to move. I could only stare at her bouncing ponytail as she disappeared down the corridor at full speed, her face half buried in her arms.

Her sudden display of emotions shocked me. She was never one to exhibit her emotions openly, but this time she did so emphatically. It was as if she couldn't hold it back anymore. She looked like she was about to break.

When I returned to the classroom much later, Kawasaki was already in her seat, burying herself in a textbook. Surprisingly, there was some commotion when I entered the classroom. Typically, no one bothered about my entrance. Most of the class doesn't care about me anyway, and I certainly did not need a greeting from Yuigahama everytime I entered.

Deciding that clouding myself with such thoughts while cycling would cause me to crash, I banished them to the back of my mind, for now. I was sure that they would resurface again. What a taxing day this was going to be. Luckily, Komachi would be able to cheer me up. She is the best sister I could ever have asked for. Speaking of which, I had once again arrived at her school.

Komachi walked out alone from the gates, and for once Taishi was not following alongside her. Did someone finally get rid of him? Looks like I didn't need to dirty my own hands doing the deed after all…

We began on our trip home, with no detours for once. My hopes and dreams of having a peaceful journey were dashed the moment Komachi opened her mouth.

"Onii-chan, where is Kawasaki-san? Don't you guys normally come together?" How could this happen to me? My dear Komachi had just betrayed me.

"I didn't see her after school." I fell back to my well-practiced skill of telling the truth, kind of. It wasn't exactly a lie, but it wasn't the whole truth.

"Anyway, how was your day?" I added, hoping to distract her. Of course, this was not enough to satisfy my dear sister, who had seen through this ploy countless times. She mercilessly continued on her line of questioning. It looked like she would have a brilliant career as a prosecutor. Unfortunately, those days had not arrived yet, and today I was the poor defendant on the stands.

"Don't try to distract me, onii-chan. You definitely have something to hide… Aren't y'all classmates? Did you suddenly lose the magnificent observation skills that you always boast of?"

"She just disappeared without a trace when we were dismissed." And that was true. She had vanished at the end of class, much like how her smile had vanished at the end of lunch.

"Is that all, onii-chan? You definitely look like you are hiding something…"

I replied to her with nothing but silence. The events that occurred during lunch were resurfacing once more. The very same memories that had been plaguing my mind since they occurred. Seeing that I had gone silent, Komachi once more seized the initiative.

"Gomi-chan, if you don't tell me, I'll ask Taishi-kun instead." Hey, it does hurt when you refer to me like trash, you know? This was such a terrible world to live in. An elder brother was being held hostage by the one he held dearest. I instinctively scowled when I heard that cursed name. I was not going to allow him to poison my pure and affectionate Komachi even more. However, Komachi sure was scary at manipulating me. I pity whoever ends up with her in the future. Not that I was going to let that happen anytime soon. Not on my watch.

Given what happened the last time the snake uttered anything significant to Komachi, I was not about to let it happen again. With a sigh of resignation, I began to tell the tale of what happened during lunch. Her eyes sparkled as I told her about the bento, but they were rapidly replaced by one of exasperation as I got to the conclusion.

She let out a long drawn out sigh, before punching my sides lightly. "Onii-chan baka! No wonder you can't get together with anyone… Looks like Komachi is fated to take care of you for life. Onii-chan sure is dense when it comes to this kind of things…. When will you learn? To think that I had higher hopes in you…."

Already rather frustrated at the entire situation, Komachi's responses were not helping in the slightest. There was no way I could ignore the situation. After all, I was the cause of her misery. What was wrong with offering a friendship? No way she wants more than that. I am just unable to believe that. Women are such annoying creatures, similar to puzzles, they take so much effort to crack. I can only hope that Komachi does not become such an annoying creature when she matures. Although she already is pretty annoying towards me, sometimes.

What exactly had happened?

For someone who loved to indulge in my own thoughts, I hated this, for I was totally lost. I had decided to take what I felt was a logical step, an action that seemed to be the best course of action. This time it had backfired. It was unlike the previous times where I applied it judiciously and solved the issues, only to be chastised by others for my methods. This time, there was no satisfactory conclusion to the issue at hand. People are irrational decision makers after all, and what just happened was a result of that… right?

It hurt when I saw her tears flow, but that was because I made her that way, and its basic human decency to respond in such a manner. Yet for some reason, I found myself unable to move. Why? Was I at a loss of what to do, or was I afraid of what was to come if I caught up with her? Why does it hurt so much whenever I remember those moments? All these questions, but I can't find any answers. The only things I was sure of was that there was a jabbing pain in my chest and that I was extremely vexed.

I honestly don't know anymore, for the monster of logic had failed me. What do I do now?

Not being able to hold it in anymore, I let off a loud grunt in frustration, in the hopes that it would alleviate me of some of my irritation. Unsurprisingly, it didn't work. However, what it did do, was to garner some irritated glances from the people milling about in the street around me. Komachi looked at me with concern but decided not to say anything.

And so, I found myself left with a problem that would not be solved anytime soon.

The next few days were uneventful. She was consciously avoiding me, for whenever I turned to glance in her direction, she either looked out of the window or decided to pay extra attention to the blackboard. She continued to ignore me even after school. Honestly, it was getting awkward, even for us loners.

Those words that we exchanged during lunch that fateful day remained our last.

What did this mean for our relationship? Did she even see me as a friend? Given her adverse reaction to my offer, I could only guess that friendship was not what she had desired. What did she exactly want then? Before this, I guess that we could be considered acquaintances, having spoken to each other before on multiple occasions, so that was out of the question. Was it something… more? I refused to entertain such thoughts, for that would lead to a very dangerous place indeed.

Soon, it was Friday. A joyous day, as the weekend was upon us. The precious weekend where there was nothing but rest and rejuvenation, with a side of homework. Over the past few days, we had made our own individual journeys to fetch our siblings, and today was going to be more of the same. Or so I thought.

As I left the school for the last time this week, a wild Kawasaki appeared as I passed through the gates. For the first time in days, she did not shy away from my presence. It was a welcome change. She was obviously waiting for me and had something to say. I waited for her to speak up.

She put her hands to her chest, closed her eyes and took in a deep breath, before opening them again and looked at me. That once again reminded me of how gorgeous she was.

"I'm sorry. I overreacted the other day. Let's be friends?"

I was shocked. The events of the past few days had suggested that whatever she wanted, it was not friendship. Did I draw the wrong conclusions? However, I accepted her offer. It was what I wanted after all… right?

"Sure, let's be friends."

An uncomfortable silence reigned over us for a few moments.

She gave me a smile in response, as she turned around and we resumed our journey. However, I could sense that this one was different from all the others she had given previously. It seemed fake, almost as if she was building a facade to hide something beneath. I could feel that something was off. Being friends is supposed to be a moment to be celebrated, right? I could not shake off the nagging suspicion.

This was supposed to be a victory for me. I had, after all, made a friend as I wanted. But, somehow, this victory felt hollow. Was this what she really wanted? As an experienced observer of others, I felt that it wasn't. But the monster of logic had already failed me, and I know not if I should trust it anymore.

As we got on our bikes and rode off towards our siblings once more, I was slightly glad at the return of the routine that had been interrupted for the past few days. Man are creatures of habit after all, and feeling familiar with a routine definitely helped put me at ease. Finally, a semblance of a normal life was returning. I was beginning to hate how we were like for the past few days. For now, it seemed that the storm had cleared, and the massive weight on our shoulders was relieved slightly.

As we made our appearance outside the gates, our siblings began to stroll out alongside each other. Taishi was getting way too close to my precious Komachi. Shoo off, will you? While I have immense trust in the Japanese healthcare system, a bite from a snake like you is sure to cause Komachi suffering. Preferably you would walk behind her… I think about fifty paces back would be a safe distance….

"Onii-chan, do you want the good news or the bad news?"

Looking at how she brightly was beaming, I decided to go for the good news first.

"So… starting next week, you won't have to come anymore! The school authorities managed to convince the police to patrol the area more, and there will be parent volunteers helping them out to spot anyone suspicious. Isn't that good for you? You won't have to rush over every day anymore…" Wait… that doesn't sound like good news to me, quite the contrary instead. Now I had less time to spend with my dear Komachi and protect her from the sneaky slithering snake that is Taishi. Worst of all, I could no longer skip club activities. I feared for what was to come: the bad news. Not wanting to prolong my suffering, I asked Komachi to fill me in on the details.

"As for the bad news… well, you won't have an excuse to hang out with Kawasaki-san anymore~" she trailed off and gave me one of her trademark winks while sticking out her tongue. How cute.

Kawasaki had evidently overheard what Komachi had just said, for she turned around and announced, "See you around in school then, Hikigaya. After all, we are friends now… right?" She tried to sound convincing, but her hesitation gave it away. I was unsure who she was trying to convince. Me… or herself?

I could only give a nod in response.

With that, we bade farewell as we made our respective journeys back home. I began to ponder on what Komachi had said, and while she was being cheeky as always, it was true. I now no longer had a reason to interact with Kawasaki anymore. We just happened to share the same responsibilities, and it was inevitable that we helped each other out. With this episode coming to an end, it looked like things would return to where they were before. After all, we would only see each other in class, and as loners, we would not interact without a good reason. Things would definitely return to as they were. I'm sure of this. Was this what I wanted? I felt a strange pang from the depths of my chest.

As a responsible member of the Service Club, I grudgingly made my reappearance on Monday. It had been just over two weeks since I last entered the room, yet it still felt so familiar. Of course, as is customary, I was met with a friendly welcome by Yukinoshita.

"Oh dear, it looks like our resident siscon is finally back. Yuigahama, can you please help me get the disinfectant? I don't want any of whatever it is he has on me." Unlike her chest, her insults were always blatantly in my face, and difficult to ignore.

By now, I was familiar with this charade, and so I readied my arsenal and fired back. "Don't worry about catching anything from me. If there was anything to catch from me in the first place, Kawasaki would have caught it a long time ago."

Wait, what? Weapon misfire! That was certainly not what I had meant to say. Unfortunately, I had revealed what was plaguing me all weekend, and it was something that would not be resolved anytime soon.

I thought that with the passage of the weekend and the whole school day, things would be back to normal. We had no more reason to interact, and without any reason to interact, without something to gain from one another, there was no basis for us to keep in contact. She would resume with her life, and I would carry on with mine, on our separate paths, till they cross again one day, if ever. I should be happy. After all, this meant less pesky interaction with others. It was desirable for me.

The girls were shocked into silence, and I took my seat. Well, a win's a win, and I would take the accomplishment of making Yukinoshita quiet any day of the week.

Taking my usual seat, I retrieved my light novel from my bag and began to read. It seemed that the Service Club had become more of a reading club nowadays. Although I was not entirely sure what the pair of them did while I was not around. Yuigahama tended to get quite touchy with Yukinoshita even when I was around, and I could only imagine what had happened in the two weeks when I was missing.

The fact that we were having a lull period was unsurprising, given that it was a week from the end of the term, and most people were busy making their own plans for the winter holidays. Just as well. I needed to catch up on my reading anyway.

I thought I would be able to settle back into my rhythm of reading once I opened my book. However, I found myself staring at the endless strings of words with no actual comprehension. I couldn't concentrate. This was supposed to be my sacred time, where I would spend alone and delve myself into the adventures of whoever it was that truck-kun had decided to slam into. Sensing that I was not going to make any progress, I closed my book in frustration.

It had been three long days, but it still had been biting at me. Slowly my doubts were gnawing away at what I thought was my a strong and absolute conclusion that I had arrived at previously. If she was fine with being friends, so be it. She had simply changed her mind. She had said so herself. Why was I thinking so much? Time and time again, my thoughts revolved around her. No matter what I did to distract myself, I couldn't avoid it for long.

Something felt… missing.

I had never felt like this before. I was perfectly glad at the current arrangement of how we ran the club, and even today, Yuigahama was surprisingly quiet. Did someone finally invent a silencer for a cannon? The peace and quiet, with the background sounds of clinking teacups or boiling water, accompanied by the soft aroma of whatever blend it was that Yukinoshita decided to try was something that I had grown used to. Today, however, I did not feel at home. I felt uneasy.

I leaned back on my chair and exhaled loudly.

"Looks like the poor siscon is already missing her sister. What a creepy siscon you are, Hikigaya-kun."

I did indeed miss someone, but it wasn't Komachi. I see her every day after all.

I realised that I missed… her.

I missed talking to her. Her flushed expressions, her smile. I missed the warmth on my back and her intoxicating scent. It certainly helped that she was simply beautiful. Finally, her cooking. My heart ached as I recalled the events that immediately followed that.

What has she done to me? Before this, I never craved to be with anyone, I loved to be alone. Being alone was a normal thing for me, and I did not despise it. For the first time in my life, I felt truly lonely.

I needed her. But what did I see her as? I closed my eyes and I rubbed my forehead with my hands.

We were friends. She said so herself, and it was me who went along with it. It was a leap of faith for me to begin with, and I should be glad that it had worked out. It was nothing special between us, it was an expected result from our increased interactions over the last two weeks. That must be it.

Every time I came to this conclusion, I was reminded of the events of that fateful day she ran away. Screw this, I was stuck in a hamster wheel with no way out. My logic had broken down, but I wasn't sure how else to think, or how to fix it.

I opened my eyes to see two pairs of concerned ones staring at me. Did they master the skill of teleportation?

"Hikki, are you okay? You have been looking very tired since the start of the day..."

"Hikigaya-kun, I guess it's time to remind you that the service club is also open to requests from its own members."

I had sworn to never put my trust in others, for they would only disappoint you at the end of the day, and leave you when there was no more benefit to be reaped from you. That is why doing things alone is the superior way. No one could disappoint you if there was no one to work with.

However, against my better judgement, I decided to seek help anyways. My logic was evidently no longer working, and I definitely needed assistance before it could be fixed. I was going crazy.

Once again, I took the seat opposite the pair, and I began to recount the events of the past two weeks. I left out certain details about that night, but from Yukinoshita's unfazed reactions, I could guess that Yuigahama had already spilt the beans. I ended my account to total silence, as the pair of them let the events sink in.

As expected, it was Yuigahama who broke the silence.

"How… dense can you get, Hikki?"

"What did I do?" Being called dense by the club's resident airhead certainly made me slightly miffed. After all, it was her with the triple-digit exam rankings across the board.

"Hikigaya-kun, you just did onto her what others did to you back in middle school. You know it, don't deny it any longer. I know you are smarter than this." Yukinoshita looked straight at me with a look of encouragement.

What happened back in middle school? The bullying? No, I still get that from this pair anyway.

It took a few moments before I realised the futility of my denial. That was what she meant. I had brutally crushed her hopes and dreams when she tried to push for them. I swore never to experience it myself ever again, but then I had done it to someone else instead.

I had rejected Kawasaki, and instead, I offered her a friendship that she did not want.

I was the villain this time. What a twist of fate. It was this that I could not accept. I had been running away from this since the very day it had happened.

I could no longer deny it. Deep down, I knew. It wasn't difficult to infer what she felt. But I simply refused to believe it. I hoped against hope that my conjecture was wrong and that what I convinced myself to be correct was the actuality. I acted according to that, and it ended up hurting her.

I had been scarred, and ever since then, I've told myself never to believe in the fragile thing that is love.

Love. The word is thrown around so cheaply by others at our age nowadays. The fragile, tenuous thread that had broken me, along with my semblance of a bearable middle school life.

I simply refused to recognise the fact that Kawasaki had fallen for me, and that the very thing I banished from my heart those years ago had come to haunt me once more. I had been in denial for longer than I would admit.

However, I simply could not ignore what had happened that day any longer. The imagery of her face torn with grief, accompanied by tears streaking down her cheeks had denied me many hours of my sleep. That haunting image, contrasted with that fake smile of hers, was what kept me awake at night, and unable to concentrate in the day. I was a broken man.

Love, attraction, whatever you call it. Every time I've been involved in such a thing, it has caused me nothing but hurt. It does not help that my memories are nearly perfect. Even if the specific events themselves get hazy, I will never forget how they made me feel. Every time I recall those events, it hurts… It hurts so badly. Why would I willingly put myself under such torment again? I would like to think that I'm being pragmatic, but honestly, at times its mere pessimism. I would be lying if I claimed that I never craved companionship or someone whom I could depend upon. It is an innate need of us human beings, and even I'm not immune to that. I try to banish that to the back of my mind whenever it arises, but recently it has awakened more and more, and it's becoming increasingly difficult to ignore it. Just what exactly has Kawasaki done to me?

"This is something only you can solve. Think clearly about what you want, Hikigaya-kun, and how to properly communicate it with her. Only you yourself would know what you want. Of course, we will be here to help you whenever we can, but at the end of the day, the choice is yours, Hikigaya-kun."

"Don't take too long, I'm sure she's hurting too. She's somehow more… reserved, even more than usual. It's obvious enough if anyone looked at her during class," Yuigahama added. I never knew Yuigahama was so perceptive. After all, I thought that she was an airhead, a title well deserved, as proven by her recent examination results. Then again, human interaction was not an examinable subject.

I now recognised her feelings for what they truly were, for I could not ignore them any longer. But what were my own? My heart had been hardened, and I dared not think about such matters for years. How do I learn to feel again?

A/N: This was, hands down, the most difficult chapter to write so far. I sincerely hope that you have enjoyed it. Once again, immense thanks to Bchets, Xynovitch and yang for the beta/proofread. As always, reviews are extremely welcome. See yall soon.

Katyusha.