Chapter 8: Emotions are Not for Assassins
"The name." Hisoka smirked, despite his frustration. Machi pulled out a crumply folded piece of paper from her satchel and tossed it at Hisoka.
"Here." She grunted. Hisoka caught it with ease and smiled. He unfolded it to read the name to himself.
"Okay then. I'll find him."
"You better. Don't forget we know about your little pet." Machi managed to contain her smugness as she spoke.
"First of all, he's not a pet. Secondly, you sound a tad jealous, Machi. Are you disapointed that I didn't take you as my lover?" Hisoka's hand was on his hip and his tone seemed flirtatious, but Machi knew the underlying tone of rage in his smile. They both knew Hisoka could kill her if he wanted to, but that he wouldn't.
"I'd rather die first." Machi retorted as she rolled her eyes.
"That can be arranged." Hisoka held up a card jokingly.
"Just get it done. And don't go losing a limb. I don't want to have to patch you up."
"I wouldn't dream of it." Hisoka flipped his finger and the card disappeared as if by magic.
Machi nodded before she turned away and left Hisoka standing at the edge of the dock, aura beaming with bloodlust. Hisoka threw a card into the wood of the dock with a snarl. He breathed and calmed himself, remembering it was Illumi they were talking about. Even if the troupe tried, Kalluto probably never would let them do anything to hurt Illumi. Probably. But he hated that they even had the audacity to threaten him. He wanted to fight Chrollo, sure, but right now as he watched Machi walk away with not so much as a glance backwards, he wanted blood. The troupe's blood. He would have it. Eventually. He sighed as he looked at the peice of paper with the name of the exorcist scrawled on it.
"Abengane..." Hisoka read the name aloud to himself. "Fighting Chrollo at his full power will be worth the trouble. Or at least it better be."
"They're not coming, are they?" Illumi spoke into the receiver of the phone that sat in the hallway of the apartment that had long become his self-inflicted prison. He waited for a response from the other end with anger tensing up the muscles in his face.
"Illumi, I spoke with father and-"
"Don't change the subject," Illumi said calmly, "Why aren't they coming?"
"You haven't left that apartment in almost a week."
"Tell me, Kalluto."
Kalluto hesitated before speaking softly. "You already know why they aren't coming." Illumi could feel his heart racing as the words fell on his ears.
"So... They already know where Hisoka is, then."
"Yes. He isn't exactly stealthy. That man is rather flamboyant and makes himself known wherever he goes."
"Liar. You told them where he was going, didn't you?"
"You really don't know anything. What else am I supposed to do? Let you mope around that apartment until they come for you?"
"I could have handled them."
"Not all at once, you couldn't."
"You don't know that."
"Well I wasn't about to take that chance. You're family."
"You sold him out! If you think I can't handle them all at once then why would you set them on Hisoka?!"
"That clown isn't family!"
"He is to me!"
Kalluto's audible gasp startled Illumi.
"What did you just say, Illumi?"
"Hisoka... is family to me." Illumi repeated.
"Illumi. Illumi Zoldyck. That's who you are. Have you forgotten? You're an elite assassin and eldest son of the Zoldyck family. Hisoka Is not your family. He's just some guy you've been living with for a while. I don't care how good you got it with him, Illumi... Hisoka is not your family."
"You don't know him like I do."
"Oh, is that what you think? Do you think you're special to him?"
"I know I am."
"And what if he thought you were weaker than you were?"
"What?"
"What if Hisoka believed you lost your nen, like Chrollo?"
"First, that won't happen. Even if it did, he'd still love me."
"Would he stick around? Or would all the fun go away, just like it did for Chrollo?"
"Shut up, he's not- he's not... That's not the only thing that's important to him!"
"You don't sound very convincing."
"He would still care about me! He'd probably even try to help me find how to get my nen back."
"Just like he's doing now for Chrollo?"
"Exactly!"
"I've been meaning to ask you this, but... what exactly is going to happen to you two when Chrollo is at full power again?" Illumi kept quiet as Kalluto continued. "He's going to want to fight him, is that right?"
"That's his plan, yes."
"Does it not bother you that he has no regard for your feelings over his life?"
"Hisoka is the way he is.."
"You mean self-serving and completely lacking any kind of morality."
"The same could be said for me."
"Oh, Illumi. Don't be so harsh on yourself. You have morals, despite how twisted they may be you have morals. Tell me, Illumi. What's the worst sin someone can commit?"
"Killing a family member. Right under that would be abandoning a comrade."
"You didn't even hesitate to answer."
"What does that prove?"
"You said he's like your family, right? And you got upset at me for selling him out because you worry for his safety, but it seems to me that he doesn't give a damn about his own safety. He doesn't mind the risk of dying as long as he gets the thrill of the fight. But you worry for him. What would you do if Killua wanted to get into a fight that he might die in?"
Illumi couldn't help but think about the needle he stuck inside Killua's forehead to prevent exactly that kind of situation; the needle that would convince Killua to run away from a fight if he had any doubt that he wouldn't be able to beat an opponent.
"I would... I would do something to stop him."
"So are you going to stop Hisoka from fighting Chrollo, even though he's working so hard right now to make that dream a reality? A dream that he's willing to take so much time away from you to achieve?"
"I've already asked him about it... He's pretty adamant about it."
"So he doesn't care about what will happen to you in the case that he loses?"
"He won't lose."
"But what if he does? You'll be alone, right? Doesn't he care how his death will affect you?"
"We haven't talked about it, but I know I can't stop him from achieving what he wants. He's wanted to fight Chrollo for a long time now."
"And you're just okay with that?"
"He's okay with how I am, so why wouldn't I be okay with how he is?"
"Because Hisoka is selfish and has no concept of family, Illumi. Trust me when I tell you, he doesn't have the capacity to love you, and he would probably abandon you given the chance."
Illumi paused for a moment, thinking it over. "In battle, if he came across an opponent strong enough to kill him, he'd fight. He'd never run. He is incapable of abandoning me."
"I'm not just talking about in a fight, Illumi. What if he betrays you, or if you..." Kalluto trailed off and sighed. "Look, Illumi. There are more sins than the ones that someone can commit during battle. Trust me, you don't want to do this."
"Trust you? After you sold Hisoka out? No."
"Are you that blind, Illumi? This goes against everything we've been taught!"
"If you don't have any further information for me, this conversation has become meaningless."
"W-wait, wait. Before you go. How about a job?"
"A job?"
"Yes. I would have taken it myself but the troupe is on the move and I have to meet them."
"What if I don't want to?"
"Well then the family loses out on a job. Just do it Illu. You need to get out of that apartment even if its for just a little bit."
There was silence on the line as Illumi thought to himself. The money wouldn't hurt, and he had nothing better to do.
"Okay, I'll do it."
"Great. I'll send you the files now. Talk to you soon."
"Bye."
"Bye."
Illumi placed the phone back on it's hook gently. There was a buzz in his pocket from his family's transmitter. He reviewed the file of his target. Ha glanced over her name, 'Nadya M.' was the only information on her name. She was a prolific business woman who was staying in a hotel nearby. She had made one too many enemies while gambling in Heaven's arena. What a petty reason to have someone killed. He didn't care, really, but it amused him. There was basic information on where she was staying in the city. The file was small, but he never really cared for too much information anyway.
The hotel was just a few blocks south. He could finish the job and be back within the hour. He sighed as he readied his needles. He prepared himself mentally for the kill. Like riding a bike, after so many years it came so naturally to him he barely registered that he was doing it. No sane person would be able to so easily come to terms with the fact that they planned to take someone's life, but he'd done it so many times now it was child's play. It was just business, nothing personal.
Illumi crossed his arms as he waited for the elevator. This would be his first job since moving in with Hisoka. He didn't have a reason for not taking any work, he just figured his family could take care of it. The elevator dinged and the doors slid open. He stepped in and pressed the key for the ground floor. He thought about his time with Hisoka as he leaned his back against the wall behind him.
"...Come to think of it, I haven't seen Hisoka leave to do any fighting in Heaven's arena since I moved in.." Illumi mumbled his thoughts aloud to himself. It had only been about a month, but considering how bloodthirsty the both of them were, no wonder they ended up fucking. Hisoka was probably dying from the tension, and whether Illumi liked it or not, he had to admit he had a lot of pent up energy when Hisoka finally made his move. He wanted to let his thoughts linger on the memory of each other's desperation, but the elevator dinged and the doors slid open. Illumi walked out into the small lobby and made his way out the door. He needed to focus on getting to his target. Nadya would be in a meeting right now according to the schedule Kalluto sent. She'd be returning home within the next half hour. If he wanted to finish this quickly, he'd need to get to her house before she did. No problem.
He slinked into an alleyway and made his way through the darkness, turning and moving with ease. He knew the alleys like an old friend no matter where in the world he was, he could always count on the shadows. He approached the building and quickly noted a tenant entered a keycard into a slot next to the entrance. The street had too much foot traffic for him to discreetly break the security measure. He waited for an opportunity. Through the glass in the lobby, he could see someone preparing to walk out. He paced himself perfectly to enter right as the door opened. He held the door for the elderly man as he left. The man thanked him, and Illumi remained silent as he approached the elevators. Another keycard slot. Security was becoming more annoying. He moved past the elevators and carefully surveyed the area. He turned a corner to find a stairway entrance with another slot. What a nuisance.
"Excuse me sir, may I help you? You seem to be lost," said a voice from behind Illumi.
"Actually, miss, if you don't mind..." Illumi quickly turned around and struck a needle into the skull of the woman in front of him. Poor thing seemed to have worked in reception. Whatever the case, she worked for Illumi now.
"I'll need access to the penthouse." Illumi commanded. She nodded, and turned about-face. Illumi followed her as she walked to the counter and grabbed a keycard before heading ober to the elevators. One quick swipe and the elevator doors opened, allowing them to step in. It was when she turned to face the elevator doors that Illumi noticed her forehead was bleeding from the hole where the needle had pierced her. Unfortunately for her, the needle had gone in too deep. Extracting it would certainly kill her. Illumi cared not that she would die, but he dreaded the thought of the bloody mess it would be to get his needle back. The elevators slid open and the receptionist stepped out. Illumi followed her down the corridor to the room where his target would be reaching soon. The girl slid her key card into the slot, and after a small beep the lock clicked open and the receptionist opened the door. The two of them stood in the hallway.
"Ladies, first." Illumi gestured for her to step inside. He wouldn't be able to leave her outside in the hallway for room service to find. She stepped in first, and Illumi closed the door behind them. He noted that normally he would not interact with his victims the way he was doing now. Maybe Kalluto was right and he needed to get out more.
The room was spacious and luxurious, but the entryway was fairly narrow. It wasn't a big deal, but if he wanted to do this quietly and without any screaming, he'd just have to wait until she walked into the living area. He quickly swept through the suite, checking behind all doors and curtains for signs of a bug or wire. The room was clean. The target's suitcase lay on the hotel bed opened and half empty.
"Hand me your key card." Illumi held out his hand, and the receptionist handed it over without hesitation.
"I should be able to find my way out of here. I have no use for you alive now." The receptionist nodded, and reached for the needle.
"Wait." Illumi spoke softly, and the receptionist stopped her hand, waiting for another command.
"On the couch." Illumi stepped aside to let her walk to the couch by the coffee table.
"Sit." He ordered. She sat down and looked at him with soulless eyes.
"You may continue." Again, the receptionist reached for the needle, this time grasping it firmly and pulling it out slowly. Blood from her forehead poured out onto her face. The Nen in the needle no longer controlled her now lifeless body, and she fell to the couch with a soft whump. Illumi watched as her blood soaked the couch fabric beneath her. Illumi smiled to himself as he thought about how Hisoka might have got after him for ruining a perfectly good couch. The receptionist's body was perfectly visible from the entryway, but it was dark enough to just see that someone was laying on the couch. Perfect.
Illumi could hear the sound of a key card entering the slot. He moved quickly to lean against a wall hidden from the entryway. He could hear the door open, and the rustle of movement. He calmed his breathing, and he could hear a gasp.
"Excuse me? Miss? Are... Are you okay?"
Just as Illumi expected, Nadya saw the slumped over person on the couch in the hotel outfit and tried to call out to the receptionist. Illumi waited as his target approached.
"Miss? H-hello?" The target had walked into the living area to inspect the receptionist. Illumi noted Nadya's elegant, backless dress. It would be a shame to bloody such a garment. Just as she turned the face of the receptionist over and realized she was dead, Illumi had struck several needles into the back of her throat. He could tell they went clear through the front of her neck, as she was unable to scream. She fell to the floor to the side of the receptionist, and her mouth lay wide open, spewing blood from her lips as she tried desperately to say something. Her gurgled words were unintelligible. Her eyes had met Illumi's, and her hand reached out to grab him, but he was too far away. She died on the floor, still bleeding. Illumi checked her pulse to be sure, and once he confirmed her death, he dialed Kalluto on his transmitter and leaned against the doorframe.
"Hello?" Kalluto answered after the second ring.
"Kalluto. It's done."
"Nadya is dead?"
"Yes."
"You killed her?" Kalluto asked.
"Yes...?" Illumi answered unsurely at the question.
"Good. And the boy?"
"The... boy?" Just as Illumi asked his question, he turned around and peered into the entryway to see a small boy, barely older than a toddler, dressed in a tiny suit. His eyes were wide with wonder, but his face showed fear. His small body trembled with his back to the door. Illumi realized now that his target was probably trying to beg Illumi not to kill her son with her last breath. He also realized that the boy had witnessed everything.
"Her son. He should have been with her."
"I didn't see anything in the files about a son."
"Oh. Really? My bad. In any case, was he not with her?"
"I'm looking right at him."
"Oh, good. Take care of him, too."
Illumi breathed as he looked at the small trembling child in front of him. He almost reminded him of Killlua. The way his eyes seemed to be nearly on the brink of tears, but he fought them back. Killua had done the same when Illumi had started training him. He remembered Killua's face clearly. Killua's perfect blue eyes, even though this boy's eyes were a golden yellow. This moment would have lasted, and perhaps Illumi would have smiled upon such memories if he had time to continue dwelling on them, but the boy began to open his mouth as if to cry or scream. Illumi's needles struck the boy in the chest, stopping his heart instantly. He died before he could make a single noise.
"It's done."
"Excellent. Catch you later."
"Goodbye."
Illumi hung up his call with Kalluto and wondered when it was that he began to answer to his little brother.
"You really are a ruthless one, Illumi." Said a voice from behind. Illumi had gotten used to his family members coming to pay him a visit, but he was positive there was no one else in the suite except him and the heap of bodies. He turned to face whoever was behind him, but to his relief, the voice came from the hotel phone on the coffee table.
"I really never imagined I'd be graced with your presence so far outside the mansion, mother, but hearing your voice made me believe that just for a second you would come out all this way. Of course, I should have expected nothing more than a phone call."
"I got word that you were being sloppy. I must say, neglecting to secure the phone lines before performing an assassination?" She made a clicking noise with her tongue in disappointment. "Illumi, you know better than that. What if the room was tapped?"
"Or what if my mother was listening in the whole time?"
"Exactly."
Illumi sighed and stepped over the bodies to sit on the couch in front of the phone. "You know I'm kind of tired of you all butting in to lecture me."
"What? You don't miss your dear mother, Illu~?"
"Not really, no. It kinda feels like some terrible author in control of my life is torturing me by making you all torment me like some kind of ghost from the past."
"That hurts, Illu."
"Oh? Does it hurt as much as being kicked out by your parents? Oh wait, you probably wouldn't know what that feels like, hmm? Just me then?"
"Illumi, you weren't this upset when you left. I thought you understood why we had to let you out of the mansion for a while."
"What was it? To test me? Well what's the verdict? I've apparently been fucking up enough for you all to realize I'm not ready to be on my own."
"Watch your mouth!" Kikyo's shrill voice stung Illumi like no other. He could hear her breathe harshly as she prepared to answer in a calmer tone. "In short, yes. It was a test. We wanted you to be on your own and see how you would thrive, but.."
"But I made friends."
"You and Killua do everything in your power to disobey our teachings! The first thing you did since leaving was move straight to the city with that man!"
"Does father know you're contacting me?"
"Don't change the subject."
Illumi closed his mouth and held his tongue.
"Illu, I just wanted to see your potential as one of the greatest assassins this family has ever seen."
"That's a lie. Killua is the heir. He's already set to be greater than myself."
"But Illumi! Killua was showing so little promise because of that friend and-"
"He'll abandon Gon one day. He'll betray him. It's in his nature. When he does, he'll realize who he is and come back."
"And what about you?"
"What about me?"
"Will you betray that man?"
"That man is Hisoka, and no I won't betray him."
"What makes you so sure?"
"I'm in love with him."
"Is that what you believe?"
"I don't just believe it. It's the truth."
"So you move in with this guy and suddenly you're in love with him?"
"He's been my friend for longer than that, but moving in with him just accelerated things."
"You think that because you think you love him that you'll never betray him?"
"I don't need another reason."
"The human heart is fickle, Illumi. This is the first person you've ever shown affection for. Trust me when I say that you're moving too fast and you're not looking out for yourself"
"It's up to me to decide how fast I want to move with him."
"Give it time, Illumi. You'll come to see that you're an assassin, and Assassins don't have room in their lives for love."
"So you don't love father?"
"It's different between your father and I, you know that. Your father was the heir to the Zoldyck family. He needed a wife. He understands his duty and I understood mine. My family was very happy to have me marry your father. They couldn't have been prouder."
"And what would I do to make you proud of me?"
"You'd understand your role in this family, Illumi. Killua must be protected. I don't know what you think you did to protect him, but if you're not with him, you fail him. If you fail him, you fail us."
"So did you think that by kicking me out, I would have more freedom to watch over Killua?"
"Illu, we thought you would understand."
"You want me to make the family proud while still being an outsider."
"You're not an outsider, Illu! In fact, I've wanted you to come home since the day you left!"
"Then why is this the first phone call I get from you?"
"Things have been difficult. Your father instructed us not to contact you unless an emergency occurred. He wanted to truly see how solitude would affect you."
"So I have effectively failed his test."
"Yes, dear. Now, I need you to come home."
Illumi realized the weight of his options. His father had offered him before the chance to come home, but hearing it from his mother was different somehow.
"I've already come to the conclusion that Hisoka will never abandon me."
"But will you abandon Hisoka?"
"What? No,"
"You're an assassin, Illumi."
"And?"
"Don't sass me." Illumi stayed quiet. "You must always think of your own self preservation and the protection of our family. You're not even looking after Killua anymore."
"Don't worry about Killua."
"How can I not worry about Killua? You haven't been watching him!"
"I'm always watching him, mother. Even now, I'm in his head, making sure he doesn't do anything dangerous. In time, he will betray that friend of his and come back to you."
"What exactly do you mean you're in his head?"
"I mean I'm in his head. Via one of my needles. Every time he encounters an opponent that he Isn't sure he can beat, he'll run away.
"And when will you come back to us?"
"I'll send you a postcard every once in awhile."
"Illumi, please!"
"What?"
"You know I'm right. You've only been with that man for at most a month and a half and you think you know him. Even you're not that dumb."
"I'll decide how dumb I want to be."
"Illumi, I promise you he won't want to stick around after this."
"After what?"
"After what you've done."
"And what is it exactly that I've done?"
"Didn't you know? You just carried out an assassination on Hisoka's only known family."
"What do you mean I-" Illumi grew quiet as he remembered the boy's eyes. "..No." Illumi quickly got up and picked Nadya's handbag off the floor. He opened it and spilled it's contents on the floor. Currency from several different countries. Lipstick. Tiny handgun. ID. Illumi squinted at the small card and read the name. "Nadya Morow."
"Illumi, darling, I'm suprised you didn't know about Hisoka's-"
"SHut up!" Illumi growled at the phone. "There wasn't any of that information in the file! Kalluto just... Kalluto. That little shit is gonna pay!"
"Why would you be cross with Kalluto? We assumed since you and Hisoka were so close you would have already known about Hisoka's family."
"But Kalluto- wait. What do you mean 'We'?" Illumi dropped the ID as the realization sunk in.
"You ordered this?"
"Son, you had gotten too attached."
"You... you set me up! All of you!"
"No, Illumi. You could have avoided this."
"Don't fucking lie to me!" Illumi could feel everything racing. His heart. His thoughts. His trembling body turned to face the body of the child he killed. Kikyo's voice drowning in and out of his ability to understand. "If you had just come home..." His mother's voice cooed, "none of this would have had to happen." The boy's eyes were long void of any life, but Illumi could still see the all too familiar gold. Everything was too similar. His nose. His cheeks. Even his ears. Exactly the same. "Illumi, talk to me."
"What have I done?" Illumi could feel himself shaking and his face burning. "What is this feeling?"
"Illumi, what you're feeling is something assassins should never feel. You should have never had to experience this." Illumi choked down a sob, trying to look away from the boy and into his hands. "Illumi," Kikyo whispered, "What you're feeling now, these emotions, they're not meant for assassins to have. Guilt, regret, all of these things have to be shut out. You know this." Illumi sat down on the carpeted floor, holding his face in his hands. He watched water fall to the floor from his eyes. The pain in his chest swelled in his throat and threatened to suffocate him.
"Illumi, He'll never forgive you."
The words were salt in Illumi's wounded heart. Why would Hisoka hide something so big from Illumi? He imagined Hisoka's face when he found out what he had done. He pictured a scowl of hatred and disgust. It hurt to visualize, but it was all Illumi could see.
"I can't show my face to him anymore..." Illumi wept.
"You don't have to."
"How?"
"Come home. We'll shut out these emotions and you won't hurt anymore. You'll be an assassin again, and you won't ever have to see that man again."
"Is that possible?"
"Of course it is."
"I... I'll come home."
"Good. We'll be waiting." The clicking sound of a phone reached Illumi's ears as Kikyo hung up. Illumi wanted to scream. He wanted to die. It was too much, all at once. For a moment, he really thought he was going to die from the overwhelming and unfamiliar pain in his chest. He looked at his work, the receptionist, Nadyia, and to the boy.
"Disgust. Disgusting. I'm disgusting..." Illumi stood and walked out of the hotel room, eyes puffy and face still red. He caught a glimpse of himself in a mirror in the hallway on his way to the elevator.
"Disgusting." He murmured again.
The apartment felt more silent than ever. Illumi packed his bag, going through drawers in the apartment making sure he hadn't left anything. As he was packing, a card fell out from one of his pockets. He picked it up and studied the familiar card once more. It was the shiny golden Ace of Hearts Hisoka had left behind. Illumi was fond of it before, but now he felt guilty just looking at it. He left the card on the bed along with the key Hisoka had given him. He locked the knob from the inside before closing the door behind him.
Chapter 8, Fin
Note: I love Illumi, I do. This is why I torture him so. Stay tuned, I'm eager to finish the next chapter. Thank you for all the reviews!