Emotions are not for Assassins

by Overlordfluffy

Illumi finds himself living with Hisoka and much to his dismay, faces new challenges never addressed by his training as an assassin. (A Hisoillu fic. Hisoka x Illumi) Canon divergence. Come for the jokes stay for the angst. Currently doing an overhaul of the earlier chapters! Chapters 1-5 have been rewritten so check them out because THEY'RE SO GOOD AAAAH

13. Scheme

It's nearly eleven." Tsubone looked down at Hisoka as she spoke with her hand on her hip. He looked at the floor diligently, not daring to look anywhere else. "The curfew is at nine! And what's worse, look at what you've done to your suit!"

Hisoka's outer garments lay in wet heap on the desk next to him. The coat was stretched at the collar and the fabric ruined. Hisoka's undergarments felt damp and cold against his skin.

"Do I dare ask what on earth happened?"

"Illu- I mean, The Young Master threw me in the bathtub because the water was not to his liking."

Tsubone grunted. "That sounds like something that brat would do. He, his brothers, and his mother are all like that. Their temper tantrums will land you in the worst of places. You'll get used to it."

Hisoka nodded, and kept a smirk to himself at the thought of anyone calling Illumi a brat. It was an accurate description.

Tsubone sighed and let her hand that was resting on her hip fall to her side.

"I will pity you this time because it's your first day, but you will need to watch yourself. No one can protect you from Illumi if he decides to kill you." Tsubone began to turn around. Hisoka muttered something under his breath.

"He wouldn't."

"What was that?" Tsubone snapped.

"I said-" Before Hisoka could lie, Tsubone interrupted him.

"You must think you can handle that man. You must think he won't rip you to bits. Do you not know what terrible monster you've been given to handle?"

Something in Hisoka's curiosity perked up. "Terrible monster, you say?"
"That man has no regard for human life. He has no remorse and no morals."

"That sounds familiar."

"Yes they're all like that, but do not take this lightly. He doesn't value any life. He values money, power, and the occasional thrill. You're nothing but a butler to him. Disposable, just like the rest of us because his mother taught him to be like that. Silva should have raised him right, but he ended up twisted just like the she-devil who raised him. That's why he's not the heir. Your job here is to make sure he doesn't bring more shame to the family than he already has. If you can't keep that temper of his under control, you're dead for."

"I take it you don't like his mother very much." Hisoka made sure not to use Kikyo's name.

"That wench and her laser eye may be strong, but she's crazy as all hell. She raised some crazy as hell kids to match. The only one worth a spit is Killua, but he's just as rebellious as the rest of them. I don't blame him, though. If my mother was as possessive as his I'd have cut her open and ran away too."

"Tell me more about Illumi."

Tsubone looked at Hisoka with a raised eyebrow. Hisoka realized his question probably sounded off to her. "...So I know what to look out for."

"What to look out for? Well, he's a sociopath. There's no telling what to look out for. Once, he wanted to test some theory for... well, nevermind. It's best I not worry you about that."

"About what?"

"If Silva or his wife wanted you to know everything about this place, they'd have told you already. Every family has secrets. Especially this one. Don't go poking about. Just do your job and try not to get killed."

"All right. So, then what should I do with these?"Hisoka gestured to the wet heap of clothes.

Tsubone grunted. "Give them here. You'll have a new set in your quarters for tomorrow and there's pajamas in your dresser. Try to get some rest, it'll be an early start for you tomorrow."

Hisoka nodded and turned to leave.

"Hiro." Hisoka turned at the sound of his false name.

"I know you think you can handle him, but for everyone's sake, do not provoke him."

Hisoka couldn't help but grin. "I'll try my best not to." Hisoka left to change out of the wet clothes that still clung to him. The door shut behind him and he looked around the room that would be his new living space. It was small, to say the least. There was a small window overlooking the yard in front of the Butler's complex. A line of trees separated his view of most of the main Mansion, where Illumi and his family stayed. He could see the highest few floors and the roof from his window, and Hisoka couldn't help but try to figure out if one of those windows was the one to Illumi's bedroom. He sighed and took another look around the room, ignoring his need to study the window longer.

The door to the restroom was now to his left, it was small but functional. He was worried that he'd have to share a bathroom with someone, but the lavishness of the Zoldycks meant most servants had their own room with their own bathroom. It probably helps keep the servants from falling in love with one another, although not every servant followed that rule. He could tell instantly just how many of them would sneak into another's room every night. Anyone who was caught ended up publicly executed as an example to others. Loyalty was not something the Zoldyck family would dare share in the hearts of their employees, and love was too big of a distraction.

"You're only love shall be for the family and your duty is completely to them" Hisoka mocked the words Tsubone spoke on his first day when she went over the rules. He leaned against the wall and looked at the bed in the corner. It was a full sized twin bed, much smaller than his or Illumi's. He sighed and opened the door to the restroom. To his left, a shower. In front of him, a sink with a decent mirror and off-white counter top. To his right, a matching off-white toilet.

"Off-white, really?" Hisoka couldn't help but sneer. He had to admit it wasn't as bad as what he had to deal with every time the Phantom Troupe would get together back when he was pretending to be with them. It was always in some abandoned building or back alley with no provisions whatsoever. But the thought of having to come back to this room every night was enough to make him groan. It wouldn't be so bad if he got to live with Illumi, but he doubted he could continue breaking curfew without someone eventually questioning about It.

He got in the shower, standard shampoo and conditioner as well as soap but nothing fancy. He'd have to see if he could order something fruitier. Everything smelled so generic. He'd much rather smell like Illumi's soaps. He'd have to ask him for some.

He got out, dried himself and wrapped a towel on his head. He stepped out into his room, naked. At least he could still have his own space to be naked when he wanted to, but he'd have to try to get Illumi and himself out of there as soon as possible. There was no way he could stay here long term.

He looked out the window again, to the family mansion.

The sheets on his bed were not nearly as lavish or soft as his own or Illumi's, and it felt lonelier. He dreamed of a certain spoiled brat with long black hair that night, and was awakened by his alarm, a rude and lonely start.

…...

…...

…...

…...

"Kikyo, I don't like her." Silva sat with his wife in bed. It was morning now, but both of them lay in bed half asleep.

"Well, how can you not like her, you've only met her once."

"That's the problem, we've only actually met her once. Don't you think we're moving a bit to fast for Illumi?"
"We've already lost enough time, Silva. He's experimented. For all we know we almost lost him. If he doesn't commit and soon we'll never get another chance."

"But c'mon, Kikyo. Even we didn't rush things with our own contract."

"This girl isn't just a baby-maker. She's a tool to push her company's agenda. They might try to use her to get leverage on us. In the contract, I'm sure you've read it, any money Illumi makes, she gets a cut of it. That's how this deal is going through. She's going to use any power she has over him to get him to do what she wants – churn out money. Illumi will be doing job after job if she has her way, which will keep Illumi focused on what's important."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because It's clear as day. She comes in, has a baby and now she's not just some girl she's the mother of his children and she has a say in what Illumi does and thinks. She won't let him sit around and do nothing if she wants her cash flow to be sound. And with him working, he won't get any time to think about that clown or anyone else for that matter."

Silva sighed. "Have you read through the entire contract?"

"Of course I did."

"Did you read the part about every child eligible will be required to take the Hunter Exam?"

"So? Illumi took the Hunter Exam."

"Under a disguise and only because he needed it to complete a job."

"I'm not seeing your point."

"Why would this company require that our grandchildren take the exam if there's no real need for it?"

"Well they did say they want strong children."

"Then why not do a private test to determine that? Why put them through the Hunter's Association unless the Hunter's Association had something to do with this company?"

"Honey, you're asking questions that don't make sense. The Hunter's Association has nothing to do with this company. Companies like these are the best match-making services for the well-to-do. I'm so happy your father found my company when he did. Could you imagine living by yourself?"

Silva contemplated for a moment. "Perhaps someone to keep him company will do Illumi some good."

"Exactly. We have plenty of time now to get to know her and for her to get to know us, but the sooner Illumi gets acquainted with her the better."

Silva lay back and placed his arms underneath his head on the pillow behind him. "What are we going to do about these kids? I mean I love them to death but Milluki's abilities are all in his head, Kalluto is off being part of some thieves gang, Killua thinks he can run away from family and have friends, and Alluka is probably a demon. Illumi was supposed to be the well-behaved one up until recently."

Kikyo sighed. "They're all perfect. Perfect assassins. Milluki's skills are unprecedented in technology. We'd still be in the dark ages if not for him. Yes, Kalluto made friends with a group of murderous thieves, but he cares for his family above anything else. He's also raking in a hell of a lot of cash for such a small kid. Alluka... needs to be kept in a cage. But, Illumi hasn't always been the 'well-behaved' one. Do you remember that time he caused the deaths of over 60 of our servants?"

"Illumi didn't cause that. Alluka did. Illumi just wanted to know what would happen. He couldn't have predicted the consequences. None of us could have. Besides, it was you who started the whole thing about testing Alluka's abilities."

"My point was that he's not a perfect person, none of them are. Don't expect him to be."

"My father hates what I've raised the children to be. Maybe he's right."

Kikyo furrowed her brows and looked at her husband. "What do you mean?"

"Everything about the code and the rules he sets. All of them break it. Illumi kills people that aren't on the list. He always has, even before his little bout with that clown. He's never cared about sticking to the killings required by the job. Milluki is the same way. You saw what he did to that tourist. Then Kalluto is a part of the Phantom Troupe. It's not exactly assassin's work and he has to split everything with the rest of that troupe he's in. None of these things are what Zeno thinks an assassin should do. These things bring shame to us in his eyes."

"We literally kill people. We're all wanted criminals. All of us have killed very high profile targets. Zeno's narrow thinking is going to make us poor. We can't have high morals. Not in this industry. Or this world for that matter."

"Yes, but I think he's right about one thing. Killing just because it's more convenient isn't what my father wanted for his grandchildren. I think that's why he hasn't looked at Illumi since he got home."

"Hmph." Kikyo crossed her arms. "Zeno hasn't looked Illumi in the eyes because he saw the photo that paparazzi took of him. If he has any other problems with my sons he can bring it up with me."

"Calm down."

"All of them think we have no morals. Your father, your servants: Tsubone and her kind. Hah, I bet even Maha thinks we're doomed. Just because the children make a few mistakes here and there doesn't mean we can't handle it. And who are they to judge us? Your father does literally the same job and Tsubone is nothing more than a servant!"

"Kikyo, I think this is serious, they don't have any idea about what the consequences of their actions are."

"Oh so you're taking their side?!"

"Kikyo, there aren't any sides here, I'm concerned for our kids. I need you to think seriously about this."

"Firstly, I am being serious. Our children are fine. We are fine. They just need some nudges in the right direction and they'll be the best generation of Zoldycks yet." Kikyo got out of bed and stormed off to get ready for the day.

Silva thought for a moment. He turned to lay on his stomach and plant his face in his pillow. "I don't wanna get up."

"Get up!" Kikyo called from their bathroom.

Silva groaned into his pillow before rolling out of bed and joining his wife in the bathroom. Kikyo was brushing her teeth as he came behind her to hug her. She shooed him away.

"Kikyo, I'm sorry."

"No you're not sorry" Kikyo spoke toothbrush still in mouth, making her words sound warbled.

"Kikyo, I just worry about them."

Kikyo leaned forward into the sink to spit. She looked at her husband in the mirror. "And I'm telling you there's no need to worry. If there is a reason to worry about them I'll let you know. I have this under control."

"Okay, baby. You got it under control." Silva hugged Kikyo again and she rolled her eyes.

"Be serious."

Silva laughed. "I am being serious!"

"Then why are you laughing?"

"Because you have toothpaste on your face."

Kikyo smiled and pushed her face onto Silva, smearing toothpaste on his chin.

"There, now you have it on your face too!"

"Gross!"

"Shut up and wipe your face." Kikyo found herself smiling. She thought to herself this was exactly the kind of life she wanted for Illumi. Happiness with his wife in the morning even after arguing. She was doing the right thing, and she had everything under control. Or so she thought.

…...

…...

…...

Hisoka's alarm went off at 5:00 am. He woke up and drudgingly put on his new uniform. After brushing his teeth and combing his hair he made his way out to the common room of the Butler's quarters, where everyone bustled to get to their perspective posts. Hisoka grabbed breakfast and ate quickly before heading to Illumi's room.

The sun hadn't risen, and Illumi was still asleep. Hisoka began fixing a pot of coffee in Illumi's room. The man in the silk sheets behind him stirred awake.

"Hisoka..." Illumi mumbled.

"Good morning, sleepyhead."

"Oh, good. You're making coffee. There's arsenic in the drawer if you need any."

Hisoka laughed. "Unlike you, I'm not going to try to kill you as a sign of affection. I think I'll just add a touch of cinnamon."

Illumi yawned. Hisoka poured two mugs out and handed one to Illumi. They were very plain and had no decoration on them.

"Illumi, maybe we should get you some new mugs."

"Just paint one for yourself if you want it to say 'fuck' so badly."

"No, I want it to say 'Cum-Slut'."

"No, someone's going to have to wash that eventually and I don't want anybody thinking I'm a cum slut."

"Or, you know. We could head over to Heaven's Arena sometime and stay at my apartment there. It's a lot closer than the one in YorkNew. Decorated mugs galore."

"Hisoka, as enticing as Heaven's Arena is, you know I can't leave right now. There's too much going on and too many risk factors. The chances of us getting caught are too high."

"It's on the same continent, we'd be there in a few hours if we take a blimp."

"Hisoka." Illumi said sternly.

"Okay, just a suggestion." Hisoka sipped his coffee.

Illumi looked at Hisoka's eyes and frowned.

"What's wrong?"

"Your contacts. They bother me."

"It's kind of part of the disguise."

"Can't you use texture surprise or something?"

"Yes, but that would take a little more energy and Nen to pull off."

"I want to see your eyes. Your real eyes."

Hisoka stared back at Illumi, slightly surprised at his forwardness.

"Certainly." Hisoka got up and walked over to the bathroom. Illumi waited patiently. When Hisoka came back, his eyes were the golden color Illumi was used to.

"That's better."

"How long has that been bothering you?"
"Since I saw you yesterday and recognized you."

Hisoka chuckled to himself.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing, you're just sweet."

"Shut up."

"You know, Tsubone thinks you have one nasty temper. I think I agree with her, what with you throwing me in the bathtub and all."

"I didn't throw you in the bathtub, I pulled you in so we could fuck."

"I know, I was making a joke."

"Oh. She probably does hate me, though."

"Yeah I get that vibe."

"I'm not surprised. She hates my mother too."

"Why's that?"

"I'd rather explain it some other time."

"Allright.." Hisoka sighed. " I think you should get ready for breakfast."

"Do I have to get up, can't I stay in here with you?"

"Your family will start to wonder if all you do is stay in your room all day."

"Fine." Illumi grumbled. He pulled the covers off of him and got out of bed. Hisoka was shocked to see Illumi wearing just a top and underwear. Hisoka had no idea this whole time Illumi wasn't wearing pants. He looked at Illumi's long legs as he walked across the room and smirked.

As Illumi opened a drawer, Hisoka came up from behind him and hugged his waist. "Hold on, maybe just a minute... or twenty." Hisoka whispered into Illumi's ear. Illumi couldn't help but smile and arch back into Hisoka's embrace.

"You are despicable."

"Considering you're the one without any pants I'd say you're the despicable one, flaunting all this..." Hisoka brushed his hands along the side of Illumi's thigh. "How do you expect me to keep my composure?"

Just then, a knock at the door startled the pair away from each other. Hisoka looked at Illumi for a moment. Illumi mouthed at him to answer.

"Who is it?" Hisoka called out.

"Illumi? It's Prytania. I'd like to speak with you about a few things over breakfast."

"Give him just a minute." Hisoka called back before he whispered to Illumi to put his pants on.

"Hisoka?" The mumbled voice from behind the door sounded confused. Hisoka panicked and quickly opened the door to pull Prytania into the room. She was shocked to be so suddenly yanked around, but not as surprised as Illumi was.

"She knows who you are?" Illumi pointed at Prytania but kept his eye on Hisoka.

"She works for the same company Nadiya worked for, so yeah."

"She recognized your voice!" Illumi raised his volume. "Just from a few sentances, Hisoka she knows you!"

"Like I said, she worked for the same company and she's heard my voice before."

"She said your name out loud! What if someone heard her!" Illumi shouted at Hisoka.

"For the record, Nobody ever told me what name you're going by now." Prytania looked between the two of them back and forth.

"Hisoka tell me what's going on!"

"You now, you can talk to me, Illumi. I am here and I can hear you." Prytania was tired of Illumi talking about her like she wasn't there.

"Prytania, how do you know Hisoka?" Illumi finally addressed her.

She looked at Hisoka for a split second. Illumi followed her eyes. His expression became very worried.

"When he was first married to Nadiya, I was stationed in the area around Heaven's arena. Communication for contracts in that region were handled by me, so his and Nadiya's contract fell under my jurisdiction, so to speak."

"I don't understand."

"I oversaw the contracts in that region, meaning I made sure the money flow was sound for each couple and that nobody killed their partners. I also kept tabs on how the children were growing up. The contractors would report to me, so essentially all information Nadiya had on Hisoka was accessible to me at all times, and if he ever had any questions I was his contact. When he moved to York New City, I was stationed there with the police under a new name. Hisoka would have known me as Robyn Taft."

"So will there be someone like you for our family? Someone we'll be able to contact who oversees other couples in this region?"

"Since this region is not very heavily populated unlike York New City, probably not. I'll just report to... a higher up. Listen, I really need to talk things over with you so if you could dress and meet me downstairs, I'd appreciate it."

Prytania turned around and left the room, Illumi looked at Hisoka.

"So where you going to tell me she knew you?"

"I thought you had already figured that out already, I mean you know I had intentions to kill her yesterday."

"Yeah but I didn't know she knew you! What does she know?"
"Everything."

"Everything? Like what?"

"That you and were a thing during your stay in York New and that I'm pretending to be your butler. She also knows you killed Nadiya and Albert."

Illumi placed both palms of his hands on his face.

"Why does she know all that?"

"Look, she won't tell anyone. She literally doesn't care."

"Right now it might not seem like a big deal but what if she wants me to do something that I don't want to. She's got leverage now! She can out us whenever she want! Fuck." Illumi leaned against a wall and pouted.

"Illumi, calm down."

"Why are you not freaking out?"

"Look, just get dressed and see what she wants to talk about."

Illumi let out a deep breath. "Fine. But I'm mad at you."

Hisoka sighed. "Fine, but I'm still kinda horn-"

"Don't even say it."

...

…...

…...

Illumi joined Prytania for breakfast. The waiting staff served their food while Hisoka maintained his still posture against the wall, hands behind his back making sure to keep out of the way for the other butlers.

"Thank you for meeting with me. I was hoping we could discuss what exactly assassin training entails." Illumi motioned for the other butlers to leave their side. They quietly moved out of the room and shut the door silently behind them. Hisoka studied how they never look up long enough to make eye contact with either Illumi or anyone else in the room.

"Forgive me if I look like we're being secretive. I don't mind telling you, but I want to know why you're asking."

Prytania sipped from her tea cup. Her posture was as straight and dainty as ever. She moved like she was made of porcelain, gently setting down her cup into its saucer before speaking. "If I am to raise children here, I want to know what they will be forced to endure starting at the age of six."

Illumi leaned back in his chair. "Well, for starters, all of us, my brothers and I, started training from birth, not from the age of six. Training is all we've ever known. Even now, when we're not working we train. When we're not training we rest and plan out our next training session. We learn and do research, and then we fight to hone our abilities. Tolerance is the first thing we build; tolerance to pain and poisons. From there we build strength. Physical and Mental fortitude is a must. Once that is in place we drill as much as we can. We teach strategizing and coping. We learn to disregard emotion and remorse. We learn to value the family and trust no one else."

"Do you not trust me?"

"To be frank, no. We don't trust you, but my mother believes she can use you to get something that she wants, so she's fine with it."

"Thank you for being honest with me." Illumi nodded to her smile. She continued, "The training sounds arduous.." Illumi noticed the water swelling in Prytania's eyes. She refused to frown, even now. She smiled and turned her face away from Illumi to look out the window. It was morning, but the sun hid behind clouds, casting grey hues on the garden right outside.

"You know, sooner or later someone's going to poison you." Illumi spoke softly.

"Excuse me?" Prytania turned to look at Illumi. He could see on her face where she had let a few tears onto her face, but now she seemed concerned for her own wellbeing not to worry about her appearance.

"You don't have a tolerance to poisons. You'll need the basics."

"I don't think that'll be necessary, I mean It's not like I'll be an actual assassin."

"You may not be an actual assassin, but sooner or later someone's going to find out that one of the Zoldyck children is marrying. If you want to live a long life at all you'll need at least some training."

Prytania looked at Illumi, and then to Hisoka, who looked at Illumi. Illumi looked back at Hisoka and then to Prytania, who had also moved her gaze back to Illumi.

"Prytania," Illumi started, "We kill a lot of high-profile targets. I'm sure your company knows this. They wouldn't have sent you if they didn't think you'd not be able to handle a little training with us."

Prytania swallowed but said nothing.

"Oh, and about one other thing." Illumi leaned close to Prytania and whispered in her ear. "If you say anything to my parents about Hisoka, I'll wear your innards like a stole."

Illumi smiled as he leaned back, but it quickly faded when he saw Prytania's angered expression.

"You honestly think you're in any position to threaten me?"

Illumi heard a click from underneath the table. Prytania saw Illumi's eyes dart up above her head and she felt a presence behind her.

"I believe it's time for Illumi to take his leave." Hisoka spoke from behind Prytania. She could feel something sharp against her neck. Hisoka's breath felt sickly on the side of her face. Her gut twisted with sudden anxiety as she felt the sheer bloodlust oozing from the two men around her.

"All right, I can see hostility will get me nowhere, but you'll want to let me speak my peace." Illumi and Hisoka stayed silent. Prytania sighed.

"If you kill me right now what would you tell your parents? That you didn't like me? They already think you have a problem with women."

"What my parents think of me doesn't matter."

"Oh really? So you're okay with me telling your parents about your... hobbies?" Prytania watched Illumi's expression. He was always able to stay so calm, so cold, but even now she knew he was not comfortable. "This whole thing you're doing, opting for the traditional method, if you really don't care what they think, why bother?"

Illumi's seemingly impeccable emotionless façade slowly crumbled as he began to frown.

"Illumi Zoldyck I don't care if you're in the closet. I'm here to do my job and what you do with your free time is none of my concern, but if you think for just one second that I'm disposable you're wrong. You'll not get another agent like me if you kill me. You and your family will be put on the blacklist for killing an agent. You won't get another chance like this."

"And if I send you home?"

"Honestly you're lucky you got stuck with me. Any other agent would have turned Hisoka in already. For killing his wife and all."

"Hisoka didn't kill his wife."

"And you think they'd believe he didn't? They've probably issued a manhunt already. If I don't say anything, eventually they're going to find Hisoka and someone's going to want to send him back to Yorknew. Everyone will know why he was hiding out here."

"You seem pretty sure of yourself, for someone who was crying about assassin training not even thirty seconds ago."

"I might weep for my future children but you'll never see me break from something as silly as an idle threat."

"You think I won't kill you?"

"I know you won't kill me. There are too many variables, and I know your type. You're not reckless. You're calculating and methodical, and if you stopped for one second to think about exactly what would happen if you tried to get rid of me you'd see that it's in your favor to keep me around."

Illumi was very visibly not happy. Prytania felt whatever sharp object Hisoka had in his hand move away from her neck. She felt the magician's bloodlust subside and his presence slink away to Illumi's side.

"What do you want?" Illumi cocked his head to the side.

"I just want to do my job. I'm here to be your wife and the mother of your kids. This is not a friendship or anything more than a business deal. I want your full cooperation. No more threats on my life, and everything can go much more smoothly from here on out."

Illumi crossed his arms. "Fine, but you do have to get trained to build up your tolerance."

"I can do that."

"Then we're good?"

"I think we're good. My things should be arriving by this evening, along with an officiant. We'll be married by sundown." Prytania dabbed her mouth and set her napkin down on the table. "As for you, Hisoka: You better make sure you know what you're doing. You're a Class A liar and everyone with a brain can see it. I hope for your sake you don't do anything stupid to get yourself killed."

"Why do you care what happens to me?" Hisoka smirked.

Prytania stood and smoothed out the skirt of her dress. She inhaled gently. "If I'm honest with myself you're the closest thing I have to a friend here. I've known you for a while and I know how you work. If you're supposed to be Illumi's personal servant now, my guess is when we're married you'll be serving me, too. I can't have anything happen to me and my future husband's personal servant, now can I?"

Illumi's eyes darted between Prytania and Hisoka. Hisoka frowned, but Prytania had the smallest hint of a smile.

"Thank you for joining me for breakfast. I'll be discussing things with your head butler regarding the whole poison tolerance thing. Hopefully I can get this done without interrupting my general fertility."

Illumi exhaled as Prytania gently bowed her head before leaving the room.

"So I see you're making friends."

"For the record I don't consider her my friend."

"You defended her."

"Pardon?"

"When I asked you if I should send her away you told me not to because of what would happen to her. You protected her."

"She has potential."

"That's not the only reason you're keeping her around. Why did she know your voice?"

"I already told you she's known me for-"

"She knew it was you from the other side of a two inch mahogany door. You tried to kill her in the hallway but something happened. You changed your mind and now you're protecting her. You're hiding something from me, Hisoka."

Hisoka's heart beat quickly in his chest. Illumi was staring up at him from his chair, his expression serious. Hisoka stepped around the chair and sat in front of Illumi where Prytania was sitting before.

"We slept together. Once."

"When?"

"Illumi, you-"

"I asked, When?"

"Last night." Hisoka looked directly at Illumi. His brows furrowed.

"When last night?"

Hisoka sighed. "You told me to get out, Illumi I figured you didn't want me around anymore."

"You slept with her while I was in the bathtub and then slept with me?"

"I didn't think you'd take me back!"

"But you slept with her and then slept with me! Maybe I would have avoided you if I knew you were fucking around with my future wife!"

"She was crying and upset and I was feeling pretty fucking bad too so yeah we slept together but we both agreed it didn't mean anything."

"Why did you think that would be okay?"

"I thought I was leaving! I really thought you were kicking me out and that we were over!"

"Then why did you come back to my room?"

"I wanted to say goodbye!"

"Oh and bathtub sex is just your way of saying farewell?"

"You started saying things!"

"And at not one point did you think to tell me about what you were just doing?"

"I- no! I just thought about how happy I was to have you back I wasn't thinking about her in any way!"

"This isn't about her! This is about you hiding things from me- Again!"

"I didn't think it was important enough to tell you!"

"It is important! Did you even use protection?"

"I- no we didn't"

"And what do you think I'm going to have to do tonight?"

"What?"
"I have to fuck her sometime tonight and now all I'm going to think about is whether or not the current face she's making is something you liked."

Hisoka sighed. "I didn't want to tell you because of that."

"No, you didn't want to tell me because you don't want me to skin you alive. You were just protecting yourself."

"I just got you back, Illumi!" Hisoka reached and grabbed Illumi's hands. Illumi pulled away.

"Don't do that, please. Illumi, don't pull away from me. Not again."

"And what if I do tell you to leave, hm? You gonna go find someone else to shag? Is that what I can always expect from you?"

"If you tell me you don't want me anymore I'll be gone. I'm not here to force myself on you. I wanted us to leave, Illumi. I wanted us to grab your things and get the hell out of here but right now Prytania has her claws around your entire life."

"And you told me not to make her leave!"

"Do you think the contract starts when you say 'I Do?' Illumi, the contract started when your parents responded to their offer! They won't let her live and they won't let your family off the hook if you leave now. They'll just send another poor girl who won't be as accommodating as our Prytania here. Any other agent would have killed or reported me already! Like it or not we lucked out with getting her!"

"How is this in any way lucky? I still have to marry someone that isn't you!"

Hisoka's voice caught in his throat as he watched Illumi's eyes water and his nostrils flare. Hisoka could see Illumi was hurt, and angry, and so pitifully in love with him.

"You wouldn't want to marry me anyway."

"You're right I wouldn't. But now I can't even if I wanted to." Illumi wiped his face with the back of his hand like a child pretending not to cry. "It's not fair."

Hisoka reached his hand out to Illumi's shoulder, offering comfort. Illumi swatted him away.

"What's the point, Hisoka? We'll never be able to be together. Not really."

"Not as long as we're in this house."

"Well we can't just leave!"

"Maybe now we can't, but you'll have a wife soon. Children to raise."

"I'm not following you."

"Your mother wants you to appear normal, she doesn't really care about raising the next generation of assassins that won't even be heirs to the Zoldyck family business, does she?"

"Well, I-"

"And Prytania doesn't want your mother raising her kids, either. You saw how she cried when you talked about exactly what assassin training is."

"You think my mother would let me move out with Prytania?"

"Not without a butler to keep a close eye on you."

"But what butler?"

"A handsome one named Hiro who your mother entrusted your life to."

"This is your plan? For the three of us to just leave?"

"At the right time."

"And what is the right time?"

"I'm not sure. Whenever Prytania has the most leverage against your Mother."

"So now we're using Prytania?"

"Well, she's using you just the same. It's only fair we give That Witch the same treatment." Just then the door opened from behind them. Prytania stood in the frame of it, leaning against the dark wood and smiling.

"I'll have the most leverage over your mother once I have a baby." Prytania's voice seemed triumphant, and all-knowing.

"So you're into eavesdropping." Hisoka smirked as he spoke.

"Of course. How else will I ever know what people say about me behind my back?" Prytania smirked back.

Illumi exhaled as if to rid himself of whatever resentment he was building up against his fiancee. Her smile this time was closed mouth and although genuine, still annoying. "So are you with us?" Illumi directed his question at the woman in the door frame.

"Hey just like Hisoka said, as long as I get the results I want I don't care what you two do. And I won't pass up an opportunity to get out of here and away from your mother. No offense."

"None taken, she's crazy."

"In the meantime I guess we'll be stuck here for at the very least Nine months." Hisoka's voice seemed weary at the prospect of being in the mansion for so long. The other two in the room silently agreed.

"We'll have at least nine months to decide where we want to go." Prytania chimed.

Illumi looked at Hisoka. "We can't go to heaven's arena with a newborn."

Hisoka placed his thumb on his lip in thought. "My apartment in Yorknew isn't exactly baby-safe but-"

"We can't go there either. It's in a different country on a different continent that's too far away and Mother will think I'm going to see you. She'd veto that idea from the start." Illumi crossed his arms.

"How about Zaban City?" Hisoka spoke like a light bulb turned on in his head.

"It's a prosperous city, that's for sure." Prytania spoke cautiously, waiting for Hisoka to speak again.

"Again, different country and different continent. Mother won't be happy with me trying to leave so far away. So why Zaban City in particular?" Illumi questioned.

"It's in the contract that your kids are going to have to take the Hunter Exam anyway, right?" Hisoka's voice seemed mildly excited.

"That's correct."

"Zaban City was the cite of our exam and it's on the same continent as the Hunter Selection Committee Hotel. It's almost guaranteed the exam will take place in that region again in the future. If you push that part of the contract to Illumi's mother about the Hunter Exam, would you be able to convince her that you want to live in Zaban City to train Illumi's kids for the exam?"

"I mean, yeah?"

"Then Zaban is our best bet." Hisoka beamed with excitement.

"I'm not sure if she'd go for-" Illumi started, but stopped when he noticed Prytania getting excited too.

"Even if she is upset that it's so far away, we'd be taking a butler with us!" Prytania exclaimed.

"She already expects me to report on your actions." Hisoka chimed.

"Then you'll have to report that we are discussing a move before we ever bring it to her." Illumi chewed on his lip as he thought. Hisoka was quick to question.

"Why?"

Illumi smiled. "If she thinks she knows about what we're plotting before we ever come to her she'll think she's in control. So once Prytania is confirmed pregnant, you'll go to mother and tell her Prytania and I are planning to leave once the baby is born. That way when we do come to her and let her know it won't come as a surprise and she won't freak out as badly. She'll be calm and susceptible to reason."

"So then you better hurry up and get me pregnant." Prytania said, playfully, but by the reaction she got from both Hisoka and Illumi she could tell it didn't come off as a joke.

"Yeah." Illumi muttered.

The three of them stood in silence for a moment. Prytania nodded before speaking again. "Until Zaban City, then. We'll not speak of this again. We can't risk other eavesdroppers finding out about this."

"You're right." Illumi sighed. "So we all know the plan. As soon as Prytania is confirmed pregnant, Hisoka you tell Mother about your 'intel,' and then when the child is born we approach mother with the notion to leave."

"It's going to be a long year." Hisoka groaned.

"Hisoka, or should I say Hiro, you have to make curfew every night. No slip-ups."

"How did you know I didn't make curfew?" Hisoka sounded slightly impressed.

"You left my room at Nine-thirty."

"Ah." Hisoka scoffed.

Illumi didn't bother looking up at either one of them. "So are you two done then?"

"There won't be a repeat of last night if that's what you're asking." Prytania answered.

"There better not be." Illumi glared at Hisoka sideways.

"Now I think I'll really go talk to someone about this whole poisoning thing. You two better hurry up I hear Illumi has a tight schedule today. Supposed to be getting married or something."

"Should we do something?" Illumi asked suddenly, stopping Prytania from leaving. "I mean, this seems so unceremonious."

"You want ceremony? Won't you be getting enough of that when you, I don't know, Marry me?" Prytania's tone was sharp and unrelenting, unlike her higher-pitched polite voice she used in front of Illumi's parents. Hisoka thought it was amusing and couldn't help but softly chuckle to himself.

"I mean for all of us. We're in some kind of truce right? Working together, counting on each other and such. I just- Is this what having friends is like?"

Prytania and Hisoka suddenly felt the depravity of Illumi's upbringing. He really had never had friends other than Hisoka, but Hisoka ended up being his lover. Illumi truly had never had friends before. Clients, sure. Acquaintances, many. But both Prytania and Hisoka knew now Illumi had no separation between what makes a person an Ally and a Friend.

"I'm-" Prytania started, sighed and searched her words for a moment. "Illumi, we're acting on a mutually beneficial plan, I'll be your legal wife, and in this case your ally. I'm not yet your friend. If you want to be-"

"It's fine. This is just business, right?" Illumi was used to just business. He could handle just business.

"Yes." Prytania answered with a relieved exhale.

"Okay then. See you."

"See you." Prytania left the room, leaving Hisoka and Illumi alone once again.

"Well, Illumi," Hisoka began, "She is right, you have a packed schedule. We'll have to hurry to get you through your morning practice."

Illumi nodded. Hisoka followed him to the gymnasium, all the while thinking on his own deprived childhood compared to Illumi's. He himself had such a tragically comical past, it was no wonder he ended up with the issues that he had. Always wanting, no, needing to find the best fighter. Always looking for potential. Illumi was different. So different. Illumi was not damaged, so to say, but he was not equipped. Hisoka wondered what Illumi could have become if he hadn't come along and showed him how to be more social.

"A perfect Killer." Hisoka didn't realize he spoke aloud.

"Hm?" Illumi turned from where he walked in front of Hisoka. "Did you say something?"

"Oh, no. Nothing at all." Hisoka smiled. Illumi offered a small smile back before turning back around and continuing the walk to the gym. It was going to be a long day, and a longer year still.

...

...Chapter 13, Fin...

...