Steve was curled up under his sheets. He didn't want to see the world outside, he didn't want to talk to anyone, not even Bucky. He was so full of shame, of self hatred.

Flashes of the past kept haunting him, dead memories full of warm sunshine and laughter, but also darker ones, and those were the only ones that felt real.

Bucky in his uniform, smiling at him like everything would be alright.

It would not. The war was about to take him, to take them both.

Tony looking up from his work, his serious face melting into a loving one once his eyes settled on Steve.

Steve would never get to see that again.

Running after Bucky when they were still kids. Climbing on a tree, trying to get the highest they could, teasing each other and laughing.

Oh, how Steve missed his innocence. As tears troubled his vision, the memories started to blend together, sending Steve to a place somewhere between the past and the recent memories, but he could no longer tell the difference. He was lost.

Tony slipping on an oil stain on the ground and falling. Steve running to him, concerned, while the inventor couldn't stop laughing. So Steve had burst out laughing too.

"Thank you Buck, but I can get by on my own."

Ironman falling towards the ground.

"GRAB MY HAND !"

"Thing is.. You don't have to."

A scream. Bucky. Gone. Just like that.

"Bucky ?"

"Big man in a suit of armor..Take that off, what are you ?"

"You must promise me one thing. That you will stay who you are."

"Who the hell is Bucky ?"

"Everything special about you came from a bottle."

"You've been asleep Cap. For almost seventy years."

"The world has changed, and none of us can go back."

Steve wished he could just die already.

If only Bucky was there to comfort him. But he didn't deserve it after what he had done to Tony, and he hadn't seen the other supersoldier last night anyway. His lover had never come to bed. Bucky probably already knew.

There was a knock on his door. He didn't answer.

"Mister Rogers, Natasha Romanov wishes to come in."

He kept silent.

The door opened a few seconds later, and he heard light footsteps heading to the bed, before he felt Natasha's weight on the mattress as she sat next to him.

"Steve." She greeted.

"Nat." He answered, and his voice was raw from crying.

"What have you done, Steve ?" The question was asked in a soft voice, but it made strangled sobs shake Steve's frame.

"I fucked up. Oh gosh I fucked everything up" He cried. Tears started streaming down his face.

"What happened ?"

Steve cried harder.

"I hate myself !"

"Steve. What Happened." Natasha insisted.

"I'm awful, I, I had to choose, and I hurt him ! I hurt him and I'm still hurting him and I don't know what to do, oh my god I don't know what to do I'm so lost, I thought I was doing the right thing but now Ton-Tony is so broken and I thought he would be alright, I thought he didn't really love me, I tho-" Steve's voice died, and for several seconds he suffocated over the ball of emotions in his throat.

"I thought I loved Bucky more. But I love them both just as much." 'I want to die. I want to die. I want to die !' He wanted to add. But Natasha wouldn't care, she probably would tell him to go do it and release the world from the bully he had become.

Natasha didn't say anything for a few minutes.

"Is Tony alright ?" The blond asked in a small voice.

"Black eye, three broken ribs."

Steve whimpered. He was a monster. A fucking monster who should have stayed in the past, should have died in that plane.

"Does Bucky know ?"

"I don't know." Answered the spy.

"The others ?"

"Yes. I'm not sure they will want you around for the next few days, Steve."

When Steve finally poked his head out of the armor of sheets he had wrapped around himself to block out the world, there was no one in the room.

For the first time in his very long life, he felt truly alone.

Hey, everyone... So that's a lot of chapters in a day, right ? Four, isnt it ? But only one review... See the problem ? Problem is, readers these days, they never acknowledge the amount of work an author puts in a fanfiction. You all realize we're not paid, right ? And we don't just write for ourselves, that's bullshit. We write to publish it, to show it to our fandom, to get reviews and favorites and follows, we write to please you all, and personally, knowing that I made you feel something makes my day. But the thing is, I don't know that. Why ? Because you all never ever interact ! And yeah, i'm a bit bitter about this, because I spend hours on this, and while yeah, I love the process of writing, it's extremely disappointing when I see all those views and only 5 reviews for the whole work. It's just crazy. And then people wonder why I prefer the AO3 community. They still don't interact as much as they should, but at least they do it more.

Ok rant over, you do whatever you want with this, but know that it's not just me who thinks that. I am speaking for all those authors out there who are so excited to publish a new chapter, and only get three reviews from their regulars. They'll end up giving up. Don't take them for granted. Don't take me for granted either. I'll repeat for the people in the back. DO NOT TAKE YOUR FANFIC AUTHORS FOR GRANTED.

So maybe, exist as a reader for once, and leave a favorite, a review, even if it's a short one, even if it's to say that I suck and I should stop writing anyway, and follow if you don't want to miss any chapters. Better even, go on AO3, there are 20 chapters of the hardest choice there.