Thanks so much to everyone who read and reviewed the last chapter, it means a lot! This story is set around season 4 or 5, but Will and Henry don't exist.
Guest – This story is about JJ, but Emily will pay a huge part in it so I hope you continue reading!
Again, this is based solely on my own personal experience. Eating disorders manifest differently in every individual.
Trigger warnings: Mental illness/recovery, eating disorders, strong language
Please read and review! :)
Your eyes felt so heavy as you heard the loud beeping of your alarm clock on the cold, wintery Monday morning. You had barely any energy and it was oddly tempting to ring in sick to work. With an enormous effort you heaved yourself up so that you were sitting on your bed. A wave of dizziness hit you and you placed both of your hands on either side of your body in an attempt to steady yourself.
Your head was pounding and your throat was burning from not having anything to drink in what felt like years. Water has calories. You don't need it. You shook your head from side to side at the ridiculous statement, trying to rid your mind of the thoughts that had begun to consume your life again. This only caused you to become dizzier and with an exaggerated sigh, you slowly pushed yourself up off of your bed. You grasped the edge of the desk beside you in a poor attempt to stop you from swaying and then reached aimlessly to grab the door frame of the entry to your bathroom.
You slowly looked up only to come face to face with your reflection. Ugly.
You immediately looked away before lazily trying to get ready. Useless. Your unruly blonde hair hung beside your face as you struggled to put on your black work trousers. Ha, probably too small for you. You bit your lip anxiously before easily buttoning the – now baggy – size two. A grin appeared on your face at the "victory" you had just achieved. You're still too big. Still fat. So, so, so fat.
A lump formed in your throat. Sometimes the thoughts were just too much. You sighed, glancing at the clock on the wall. Shit. You were going to be late. You hastily brushed your hair and your teeth and quickly snagged a belt from your wardrobe before by-passing the kitchen and going out the front door.
Finally you were seated in your car behind the steering wheel. Your chest was heaving. Wow – ugly and unfit. Your hand reached aimlessly for the car door beside you. You coughed and heaved for what seemed like hours. A pain spread across your side and you leaned your head back against the headrest, hoping to regain some composure.
After a few minutes, a buzzing noise caught your attention and you glanced to your right to see a message from Garcia on your phone screen.
"Hi Sugar, would you mind awfully grabbing us some caffeinated goodness on your way here? Thanks hun xx."
You rushed to start the engine, noticing you had just ten minutes to buy the coffee and get to work. You sped down the road at such speed that you were almost asking to be pulled over by a police officer. You pulled up to the nearest gas station and made six cups of the "caffeinated goodness". You knew exactly what everyone liked in terms of milk and sugar. You're pretty sure you looked crazy to the people waiting in line as you put about ten sachets of sugar into Spence's coffee. You brought the cups up to the counter and paid using your card, completely missing the concerned look that the cashier was giving you.
A sigh of relief escaped your lips as you found yourself driving into the crowded FBI car park at last. Before exiting your car, you reached up and flipped down the mirror that was above you. What you couldn't see was the clearly exhausted, underweight young woman that you were. Your cheeks were hollow and the dark purple circles under your eyes were becoming increasingly more noticeable as each day passed. What you did see though was a figure so ugly and so huge that they shouldn't be seen by the public eye. A tear silently created a trail down your cheek which you hurriedly wiped away with your sleeve.
In the blink of an eye, you had put on a brave face and were briskly walking towards the large front door of the building in front of you. The door was much more difficult than normal to open and you had to push all of your body weight onto it before it would even budge.
You waited impatiently for the elevator to reach the floor you needed. You scowled as you once again came face to face with your reflection. Your disgusting reflection. You are such a waste of space. Nobody wants you. Nobody loves you. You stared at the creature before you. The obese, rounded figure stared back at you, as if it was mocking you. It looked almost as if it was growing an inch by the second. You quickly glanced up at the ceiling and began tapping your foot off the floor in an attempt to burn more and more calories. Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap...
After what felt like eternity, a ding sounded and the elevator doors slid wide open. You strolled into the bullpen with the warm beverages in your hand and before you even had a moment to think, you were practically ambushed by four of your coworkers.
"We were beginning to think you weren't coming Blondie," Morgan chuckled, taking a sip of his long awaited black coffee.
You smiled, placing the remaining two cups on Emily's desk. All sorts of files were strewn across the wooden surface. She has never been a tidy person – well, neither have you to be fair.
"Did you not get one for yourself?" asked Emily. She laughed to herself, "you nearly always have a cup of the stuff in your hand."
"Oh, uh – I drank it on the way here." You looked away. You had never been good at lying either – apart from that time you had told Spence and Derek why you were afraid of the woods a while ago.
"Hello? Earth to JJ!" You were brought back to the present by Morgan waving a hand in front of your face. "I think you need to go back to bed Blondie, you look terrible and you just zoned out big time."
See – even he noticed that you look a mess! He knows that you are a fat, unattractive, waste of...
"I'm fine Derek." You stated coldly, your mood suddenly taking a complete turn. You brushed past him and climbed the stairs up to the confines of your untidy office. You slammed the door behind you and took a seat on the couch in the corner of the tiny room. You don't know where the sudden burst of anger had come from. You had even surprised yourself. You buried your face in your palms and took some deep breaths.
Why can't you do anything right? They're going to think you're crazy. Huh! Why would they even care? They hate you. They wouldn't care if you left and never came back. They wouldn't even care if you died.
Outside, unbeknownst to you, your four coworkers were still in the bullpen, confused about your recent behaviour. Your outburst had left them in shock.
"Maybe she's just tired? Last week was hard," Garcia broke the uncomfortable silence. She looked flustered and her wide eyes danced around the room, analysing her friends' faces.
Reid looked up from where he was busy reading one of the files on his desk.
"She's probably just menstruating. I've read that women can experience tiredness and extreme mood swings when they-"
Emily smirked at Reid's theory, turning her head to gaze through the window of JJ's office.
"I'd say you're right Garcia, she's probably just tired, what with last week's case and all the press conferences? I'd say Jayje is exhausted."
Everyone nodded their heads and hummed in agreement before they each walked to their individual desks and began their workload for the day.
But Emily wasn't so sure herself whether their blonde friend was "just tired".