It was hard to act normal when you had such a large weight on your shoulders. Danni really was trying to not act like she had over a hundred years of secrets building up inside of her, but the moment they were off to their next destination she just shrunk completely into herself. This body had always prided itself in being able to contain her emotions well, but when it came to the Doctor she always came up surprisingly short. She knew the Doctor had already noticed the change in her, but it wasn't hard to as she sat down on the stairs leading up to the platform around the top of the console room, staring out and nibbling on her bottom lip.
"I hope you're not disappointed," the Doctor said, watching her closely as his voice alone seemed to make her jump. "I did ask her to join us, but she said no and then there were two of them and I realised it was probably for the best."
Her brows furrowed slightly. "Asked who what?"
"Osgood," he clarified. She still looked incredibly confused. "I asked her to come on the TARDIS."
"Oh!" she replied. That hadn't been what she was expected him to say at all. "Yeah, with her new sister and all that. Plus, it might have been a bit crowded. We haven't done the two companion thing since Amy and Rory."
That was very true. The Doctor had asked, not just because he actually was rather in awe of the Osgoods, but because he had thought that a companion would help Danni more than she realised it might. He was always told that he shouldn't travel alone but, sometimes, he truly believed that it extended to both of them.
"Perhaps they'll come when they're not busy saving the world," Danni continued. "It's a full-time job. We should know."
He nodded his agreement. "And no health insurance," he commented. "Perhaps we should complain?"
"Form a union?" she replied cheekily. "You, me and the two Osgoods?"
"We could get dental," he retorted. Danni chuckled slightly, but nothing more came from it. She was just nervous. True, the nerves were of her own creation, but she still felt them enough to cause her leg to bounce up and down on the stair below. There was a part of her that was telling her to change her mind, to just get up and run off to the shower or something. A large part of her that she had listened to on more than one occasion over the years. This body, especially, was much keener on hiding than confronting anything scary.
"Danielle," the Doctor started. "What did Miss Oswald say to you?"
Danni frowned slightly. "What do you mean?"
"You know I'm," he shifted slightly, "I'm not very good at this sort of thing. But you seem rather… well, more upset than I would have expected."
She couldn't help but smile slightly. "Your powers of perception are getting better," she praised. "Apparently my skills at hiding my emotions are getting worse." She shot him a look. "That's probably your fault too."
"I think I'm just getting better at reading you," he admitted. She didn't seem distressed over that fact, so he kept it in the win column for now. "How did she upset you?"
"Clara didn't upset me," she replied. "You've got to stop thinking she's trying to hurt me all the time."
"I think I have a very good reason for believing that," he retorted. She glared at him slightly but he could see there wasn't much anger behind it. Whatever was upsetting her was even getting in the way of anger at the little dig at Clara. "What's wrong?"
She pressed her lips together again, trying to build up the courage to do what she had decided to do and explain what she could to her husband. The man who was, currently, looking at her with more concern on his face than she was sure he was meant to show. He was doing that because he felt safe around her. Would he still feel that way after she'd explained what had made his speech ring so true to her?
She took a small, steady breath. She needed to get on with it. "Did you mean it?"
The Doctor wasn't sure what he had been expecting her to say. He knew, immediately, that she was talking about his speech to Bonnie. She had never liked hearing about his time in the Time War so the tears had been expected, but the intensity of them had been a bit more than he would have thought given this regeneration's want to keep her emotions to herself. But, as he had always promised her, he would answer any questions she had. After being so forgiving it was the least he could do.
He leant against the console top. "Which part?"
"Forgiving her," she clarified. "You-You said that after everything she'd done that you forgave her."
He nodded. "I do," he replied honestly. "Sometimes people just need forgiveness. Sometimes it doesn't matter off who, they just need to know it's possible. She was misguided and she needed help."
Danni still couldn't look him in the eye. His words, obviously, hadn't given her to comfort she had been looking for. "You know, I've never looked to you for forgiveness…" he started and her head snapped up, her brows furrowed.
"What?" she asked, thoroughly confused, which in turn confused him.
"You're worried," he told her. "About what I did in the Time War. That's why you want to know if I'd forgiven…" He trailed off again as he realised he had gotten it wrong. "You're looking for my forgiveness," he breathed, completely surprised.
She looked away again. "I've done a lot of things," she started. "A lot of terrible things that I've not told you about, and I think… I think I should tell you."
He walked over to her, kneeling on the stairs in front of her. He shot her a soft smile so she knew that he was serious. She looked so worried and he wanted to reassure her. "You don't have to tell me anything," he promised her. "I know you, Danielle. That's all that matters."
"There's things I should tell you about what I've done," she insisted, looking almost insulted that he'd tried to get around it. She wanted to do this.
"Then tell me," he encouraged gently. Her resolve disappeared and she looked worried again.
"I'm scared," she admitted. "I-I'm scared because of what I need to tell you. And because, even now, even after everything…" She looked around. "If someone hears…"
He smiled as kindly as he could at her. "No one can hear you but me," he promised. "You know you can trust me. But, if you need to, check."
He felt her poke his mind with hers just for a moment before pulling back. Even then he could feel her fear. "Danni, if you don't feel up to it…"
"I don't," she interrupted. "But-But I don't think I ever will. I just…" She took in a shaky breath and his hearts ached at the weight she seemed to be carrying. "You wanted to know, didn't you? You-You said that you loved every new thing you learnt about me, but I don't think you'll love this."
He walked over to her, getting on his knees on the steps lower than she was sat. He smiled as he made room for himself between her legs. "Does it feel like you can't hold it in anymore?" he asked. "Like if you don't let it out now it's going to burst from you anyway?" She nodded. "Then I will listen and you never have to worry about me judging you."
She swallowed, but nodded. "I don't think you can keep that promise," she said softly.
"I know I can," he replied. "Tell me."
Her hearts were racing and she knew, deep down, that she was being overdramatic. She had so much to tell him and she knew that, even if he told her every single thing she had to tell him, she'd understand. They both had a soft spot for each other, it was what they did. It still was hard to see it the other way around.
"I-I'm just going to say things, then," she told him. "It might not be in order or anything. And-And there's so much we'd be here forever if I told you everything. How do I even decide? I don't- I'm just going to… you know…" She licked her lips. Her mouth felt so dry. "I know that you know about the man in the tavern. The one that Me saw."
He blinked, surprised. "I, er, I don't…" he started but the look she shot him said that he was as bad at lying to her as he'd always been. "She told me what she saw," he confirmed, a little reluctantly.
"She saw right," she replied. "I-I shot him. I killed him. He wanted something that I wasn't selling and so I killed him. But, I want to explain where that came from." She shifted again on the seat. She wanted to get up and pace, but she also didn't want to move. The energy bubbled but didn't go away. "Missy didn't like to take me out. She liked me contained because I was easier to deal with. I used to- I used to run away a lot and it pissed her off."
The Doctor couldn't help but smirk slightly. Her fight always made him so proud. "I wouldn't have expected anything less," he replied.
"Then, one day, she started to train me. Little things that I didn't notice at first. Getting me to react violently against the stories she used to put me through instead of worming my way out. You know, the way we normally do. She gave me a gun one day and told me we were going for a 'girls night out.' She was very insistent that I had it on me when I went out and, well, I just wanted to get out of the bedroom."
She fell silent for a moment, obviously still uncomfortable and worried. "Is that your gun?" he asked, prodding gently. She shook her head.
"No, she took it off me. I stole my gun from a prince. He was a dick, he didn't need another one. But-But that's another story. He tried to have my elbows removed. I mean, seriously? My elbows. What a dick."
She realised she was rambling and stopped herself. She was digressing. She needed to get back on track. She tried to swallow the lump in her throat down, but it stayed strong and hard. "The thing you have to understand is that… you always claim that I beat Missy. And I won the war, I did, but I'm not- I'm not a strong as you think I am. There were a lot of a battles that I loss. The man in the tavern was just one in many. She convinced me it was what I had to do. I was in danger, I had to get away. That lesson," she ran her hand over her face. "I hate it," she stated suddenly, with so much conviction he didn't doubt her for a second. "I hate how long I believed that for. I hate the fact that, even now, it takes me a while to stop trying to justify stuff. I see it on your face when I'm not paying attention and the disappointment kills me."
He let her pause again. He didn't apologise because he knew she'd just tell him to shut up, which was totally fair. This wasn't the part she was looking for forgiveness for. He knew a guilt speech, he'd given plenty in his time. She needed to get to the end.
"When we got back I was devastated. I hated myself. I'd just… I'd killed him just like that. Missy offered me comfort, she told me I'd done the right thing, that it was either his life or mine and I'd made the right choice." She hung her head, ashamed. "I took that comfort. I didn't want to be heartless, but I'd done it. I'd taken the gun that she'd given me, listened to every little piece of fear she'd battered into my head and I gave in. And I'd do it again."
"Eleven times," he replied, bringing it to the grand total of twelve she had mentioned to Me. She nodded, still not looking up, the weight of those deaths falling heavy on her.
He didn't really know what to say. On one hand the idea that Danni had done that, had taken lives just because she thought it was the right thing to do, was horrifying. And if he really believed that she thought that was the case then he knew he'd feel more anger and disgust. But even now, even as he was still learning all about her, he could tell. It was in her words and the way she stumbled as she tried to form her thoughts that said it was because her upset came from a genuine place. Danni's more calculated answers were where she was lying. When she had planned what she needed to say before she said it.
He grabbed her hand, holding it tightly. "What else?" he prompted gently.
She licked her lips, once again finding her mouth incredibly dry. "Missy wasn't nice to me," she continued. "She wasn't kind, or fair. She hurt me in so many different ways. I could go into the details, but I don't want to. I don't want to relive it because it helps no one. Thinking about how she…" She paused, pressing her lips together and the anger rushed through her for a brief moment before she pushed it back. "Her using me isn't what we're talking about here. I need to tell you about the beach."
His brows furrowed slightly. "The beach?" he repeated confused. She spoke like it was something he should remember. A shared experience that he really couldn't place.
"Before, with Osgood?" she clarified. He nodded slowly, remembering the moment but he still didn't know what she actually meant at all. Nothing out of the ordinary had happened there – running for their lives wasn't exactly uncommon for them – and nothing happened at all that involved Missy. "You asked me if I was having a bad dream, which is Doctor code for 'Are you dreaming about Missy?'"
He blinked. "I have a code?" he asked, a little bewildered. Danni nodded.
"Oh, yeah, everyone does," she replied. "I just know yours better, that's all. You know mine very well."
He did, he realised. He knew when she was worried because she complained about cleanliness more than she would normally. When she was concerned about being heard by someone undesirable she pressed her lips together to stop herself talking without thinking first. And when she was really happy and comfortable she would smile. He'd seen it more and more.
"I guess I do," he agreed. "And you're right. I thought you might have been dreaming about Missy because you woke up disagreeing with someone."
She nodded slowly to herself. "I- I did do that," she agreed. "But I wasn't lying. I wasn't dreaming about Missy, and it wasn't a bad dream. I was dreaming about the Master."
The Doctor's eyes narrowed very slightly, for a moment, in confusion. "But they're the same person."
"No, they're not," she corrected. "Well, alright, I guess… They're only the same as you and Eleven or Twelve are. Which, alright, I guess is a lot the same but it's also different!" She sounded a little defensive as she rambled but seemed to catch herself. "Missy was horrid. She did everything out of some twisted version of 'love' for me, but she really did it because she could. Because I was there and she wanted me to be both subservient and defiant and the two contradicted themselves so much she had no idea what she wanted me to be. And so…"
She trailed off and the Doctor waited for a moment for her to continue. "'And so' what?" he asked.
"And so… I began to miss him," she finished quietly. "I missed the Master, I still miss him. It started with a thought, then another thought and before I knew it I was daydreaming about him and I didn't- I don't want to stop."
"You weren't saying no to your dream, you were saying 'no' to me waking you up," the Doctor realised in a daze he didn't expect to find himself in. "You didn't want the dream interrupted."
"I was scared," she defended. "I was being touched and prodded and beaten and tricked into so much horrific stuff. I couldn't always think of you because she made it so it was near impossible at times. But she never stopped me thinking of her, and I could always think of him!"
"He was just as bad as she is!" the Doctor replied angrily. "Don't you remember what he did to you? How he tried to drive you mad just for him?"
"Of course I remember that!" she retorted. "But he was ill and his actions came from that. He wasn't like her. She chose to continue to be cruel, and she's so much worse for it." She sighed. "I miss him, I always have done, I think," she finished. "I don't think that connection will ever go away. It's not good, or friendly, and it comes from a place of pain and abuse, but it's always there. And so, I dream about him. I was dreaming about him on the beach, not Missy."
The Doctor didn't reply for a moment as he processed this. He knew it was irrational, and anyone would berate him for getting his priorities all wrong, but this felt so much worse than her justification of 'protecting' herself. She was actively fighting against the brainwashing Missy had put her through to realise that trading lives wasn't the way. She was actively trying to undo all the damage Missy had forced upon her. But she wasn't fighting this. She wasn't fighting the Master and he still, after all this time, didn't understand why.
He wanted to point it out. He wanted to grab her shoulders and shake her until she saw the fact that everything the Master had done had worked on her. It had worked on him too, for so many years. They'd been best friends. He'd wanted to redeem the Master. When he'd found out that the Master had survived the Time War he'd been equally terrified and elated. The same thing had happened to his Danni and he'd missed it happening.
"Danielle," he sighed heavily. "Her cruelty came from him."
"Maybe," she agreed reluctantly. "But my cruelty came from her. Cruelty to beget cruelty," she quoted. "I was cruel too. I was angry and cruel in ways you don't know."
He didn't want to pout, but he also didn't like her using his words in an argument against him. Especially when he knew she was using them correctly. "You learnt, you remembered," he pressed. "You took your actions and saw them as wrong and have been trying to change them. You still care about the universe. The Master, not once, ever cared about anyone but himself. He killed and he maimed and he abused because he could. That's all it ever was."
"That's not true," she defended. "He fought for me. He got me out of Gallifrey. He never hit me. You know there was more to him than that."
"One saved victim doesn't take away a lifetime of awful," the Doctor countered.
"I didn't say it did!" she retorted. "I'm not defending this, I'm explaining this. I had to cope somehow, Theta, this is how I did it. The Master helped me through until I could get to you. Sometimes he helps me now. It's not real, it's not right, but it works. I'm not asking for your understanding. You wanted to know me. This is me."
His anger dissipated slightly and he felt slightly ashamed. She was right. No one was perfect, he certainly wasn't and it was unfair for him to try and paint her with such a brush. He couldn't help it. He looked at her and saw everything he wanted in someone he wanted to travel the universe with, someone he wanted to share his life with. He couldn't expect her to take his imperfections if he judged her on something he deemed the same.
"I'm sorry," he told her. "You're right. Your reasoning is your own."
"Thank you," she replied. "I'd really like for you to leave your judgements until the end. You know, like in class?"
"I'll try my best. I wasn't the best-behaved student," he pointed out.
"I know, I've seen you drive," Danni retorted.
"Oi!" he turned, sitting down on the stair next to her. "I'm sure I've warned you about making fun of my driving."
"And I'm sure you told me it was because piloting a TARDIS was hard," she replied. "Does that mean I'm just cleverer than you?"
"Oh, I've always maintained that," he said. "I am an idiot. I'm proud of my idiocy."
"Only you would be proud of being an idiot," she replied.
"Being an idiot means you have more to learn. It's the smarty pants that you have to worry about."
"That's very true," she agreed. "I met some smart arses in my time. All of them were just that; arses."
They fell back into the tense silence that had fallen over them when they'd first entered the TARDIS. There was so much that was still left unsaid, stuff that was bubbling under her surface but he didn't want to just command her to talk whenever a silence fell. He wanted her to feel safe to talk when she wanted to.
Eventually, after what was probably only thirty seconds but felt like hours, she took another deep breath. "I did something," she told him. "Something pretty bad. Something worse than blowing up the mayor's office. I did something terrible." She took in a shaky breath. "I started a war, once."
"A war?" he repeated in a disbelieving tone.
She was actually a little annoyed. "Yes, a war," she snapped. "It's not hard to do once you work it out. Find a planet with tensions between two groups of people, spread some rumours, get people talking then blow up a president. I managed it in just under six months." She seemed to realise that she was bragging and she shrank back. "I read a lot," she explained. "I found a place where a war was destined to break out and I headed there. It was a few years into running from Missy and even longer since I'd been home and I…" Tears gathered in her eyes. "I remember looking at this button on a bomb I'd created, that I'd made and thinking about how you'd hate me forever for doing it. I didn't care about the people I'd hurt or the president I was about to kill. All I knew was that I couldn't hear your voice anymore in my head and I needed to find a way home. I thought I'd be free once I'd got away from Missy, but I was still so trapped in my own head."
She was crying softly and she couldn't hold it back. "I regretted it the moment I did it. I knew that… I knew that if the Danni I'd been, your Danni could see me she'd hate me. I knew pressing that button was the worst thing I could have done. It was the worst decision that I ever made and I've been hounded for it ever since. The Shadow Proclamation want my head for it. People are terrified because of what I've become."
Once again, her words were all thoughts he'd had before. When he'd fought in the Time War he'd done some terrible things and, even now, he remembered each and every one with utter clarity. He hadn't been lying to Zygella about hearing the screams of pain his actions had caused. And it wasn't just the Time War. He liked to think he was on the good side of history, but he knew he wasn't on the good side of everyone's history. He knew that in a lot of people's stories he was the good guy but there was just as many where he was the bad guy. His name brought terror to people. He was the Oncoming Storm.
"I've done many terrible things," he told her. "Things I've never told you. My years in the Time War weren't innocent. I know we don't talk about it but you know the things I did were beyond redemption."
"Nothing you have ever done is beyond redemption," Danni retorted. "Fighting in a war and starting one are two very different things. You weren't the one to fire the first shot, you were just the one to fire the last."
"I still fired," he countered. "I could have stepped back, I could have thought for a moment. When it came down to it, there was a button and it was my choice to push it."
"But you didn't push the button!" Danni cried. "You never actually did it. I did! I didn't have a-a Clara or a Danni-Girl or whatever it was that convinced you to change your mind. I pressed the button. I started the war! I was that person! I didn't know who was going to die! I just did it because I wanted to be heard. I could have been better, I could have done better. I could have shouted from the rooftops, I could have defaced a giant fucking cliffside like River did! How am I supposed to be better when I'm the worst I can be?"
"You are not the worst you can be," he promised. She opened her mouth to protest but a look from him kept her quiet. "I'm not going to justify your actions. You are better than that. You don't need my approval. You're right, there are a million different ways you could have handled that. You were the worst you could be at that moment, but the different between that any every other warmonger in the universe, the difference between you and Missy," her breath caught in her throat as he hit the nail on the head perfectly, "is that you know that. You know that what you did was wrong, was evil, and you are stopping as many people as you can from doing it again. It may not be perfect, you may still be learning, but the fact that you're trying makes you better." He reached out, cupping her cheek so his fingertips were in her hair. "And no matter what you do, you're always my Danni. Brown hair, ginger hair, tall, short or anything in between. You're my Danni-Girl."
She sniffed. "I don't regret much," she told him. "I did some other rather… questionable things on my way to getting back here. I enjoyed being the outlaw, on the run, finding my way because I thought I was clever. On Trenzalore we had to make some tough choices and I'd make them all the same way again. Even with the Master- With Koschei I don't regret bargaining, I don't regret making people's lives a little easier no matter how long the consequences have lasted for. I regret every moment I was on Kurnipah. I regret every step, every action, and it came to nothing. I screamed into the universe and no one heard me, and everyone just died."
He didn't know how to comfort her, he didn't know how to process everything she was saying. He knew, whether to his detriment or not, that if anyone else had told him this he would be angry and disgusted. He knew that his own feelings and experiences were, perhaps, blinding him. Clara had only pushed a dream version of his wife into a dream version of a volcano and he'd been so angry that Missy had taken the real Danni with ease.
Part of the reason he'd never shared the Time War with Danielle as much as he probably would have done was because she had always offered his forgiveness and he needed that more than he'd needed her to know what he'd done, because she would have never understood because the Time War was so big and she was an innocent of that kind of world. She'd never, really, understand because no one ever could. It suddenly felt as if they had a shared experience and that relief of having to hold it in out of fear of driving her away was actually surprisingly nice.
"When I was looking for you I came across a young boy on a battlefield," the Doctor told her. "He was scared and crying and looking for a way to get away. That was something I never thought I'd turn away from until then." He leant back against the stairs. "I left him there. He was going to die and I didn't want to save him. His name was Davros," Danni blinked at him, surprised. "I left Davros to die because he was Davros and I was scared of saving him. I was tired, and out of hope and compassion and I left him to die." He turned his head. "Then you show up, dressed like a secret agent and save me. You didn't know me, or rather I didn't know you knew me. You broke into the Dalek home city and saved me and I couldn't work out why. You intrigued me from that moment, and that intrigue had been analysing every single thing until I worked out that I couldn't leave him there. I was better than that. And you know something?" She shook her head. "That's nothing new."
He brows furrowed. "What do you mean?"
"You've always intrigued me. You turned up naked next to Charles Dickens and held my attention ever since. If you were screaming out into the universe, and I didn't hear you, then I should have been better too. I should have listened, I should have looked harder. My own self-hatred was what drove me to turn my back on a small boy, and it was what kept me from hearing my wife cry."
"None of what I did was your fault. It-It wasn't even Missy's, it was my own."
"As it was mine when I chose to leave a child to die," he agreed. "When I went into the depths of the universe and left people suffering because all I wanted was to find my wife. We know this and, now, we be better. Together."
She nodded slowly. "Together," she agreed. They shared a smile and he stood up, stretching slightly before stepping back down onto the platform. Danni couldn't help but watch his every moment. He never seemed to show his age, not really, and his compassion was always never-ending. She hadn't expected him to forgive her actions, she'd expected him to turn away and not even look at her. Instead he'd held her close and promised that, over time, they'd be better together. Danni and the Doctor. Danielle and Theta.
She smiled slightly.
He spun around sharply at the sound of his name leaving her lips. His proper name, his true name, one that he hadn't heard in so long it was surprising he'd even recognised it. Danni had a soft smile on her face and seemed a little amused at his surprise. "I haven't said that in over a hundred years," she whispered. "I couldn't… Not if she was listening." She sniffed, then hunched over, resting her elbows on her knees and her head in her hands. He quickly rushed back over to her side, wrapping her up in a hug.
"That's enough for today," he said as if he was telling her rather than suggesting, which was his intention. "We have a long time between us to tell each other everything we keep inside. Lifetime upon lifetimes together." He pulled back to look her in the face. "So no more crying, eh?"
"But there's something I need to tell you about what I'm still doing," she countered, but she gave her eyes a wipe. "There's something I've not told you on purpose. Something I didn't want to tell you because I was angry at you. But- But I want to tell you. I don't want to be angry anymore."
He didn't know what to say to help, because he didn't care what she'd done, but he was insanely curious. He knew that there wasn't anything he could tell him that would make him angry. But he understood the fear. He still remembered losing her out of the TARDIS door vividly, and with the universe treating her so poorly, then he understood her hesitation.
She took his silence as a prompt, taking a deep breath. "I've-I've been lying to you," she told him. "Well… Well, it's not a lie, it's just more… I've not corrected you. I mean, it's not been wrong… I dunno, is not correcting someone a lie? I mean, people say a 'lie of omission', but is that really a thing?"
"Danni," he said firmly, trying to hide his amusement at her rambling. "Just tell me. I won't get mad."
"I think you might," she whispered. "I think that, maybe, this might make you the maddest."
And she really believed that. He could see it in her face. She had admitted to dreaming about the man who'd abused her, about starting a war just because she could, but this was the thing she was worried about the most.
He didn't have the words to reassure her. If it worried her that much then, maybe, it was a genuine concern. Maybe he really was going to get that mad. "I love you," he said instead. "More than anything in this universe."
She smiled softly, even if she didn't feel it fully. "When Missy killed me…" she started, the words catching in her throat. It felt so big, she wasn't sure if this was the best thing to do, but he was going to find out eventually. Even if it was long into the future because her past had already started to catch up to her. "When Missy killed me… When I regenerated into this me, I wasn't the old me… What I mean is… The blonde me. The one she took… That wasn't my last body. There was another one."
The Doctor blinked. "Sorry?" he asked. "There was- She killed you twice?"
"Yes," she confirmed quietly. "There was- The first time, when I woke up on the bed after she took me happened. She didn't like my blonde hair because I looked like the Master, so she killed me then. The other time- Well," she looked down at her feet, "I escaped. It wasn't my first attempt, but it was the first time I was convinced I would make it. I did exactly what you told me to do and I went straight to Eleven. It was the day you forgot you saw me and River. I appeared for only a moment and you never saw me before she took me back. She said I was too feisty. She killed me for it. That-That was my punishment."
The Doctor leant back against the stairs, staring out into the console room without saying a word. She had died. She'd died twice. He'd not saved her from Missy twice. Missy had killed her twice.
His anger was actually so heavy and large that, for a moment, he didn't feel it. There was this pause where he suddenly realised why he felt like he'd missed so much. It wasn't just the time she'd spent away, there was a whole new experience he'd missed. A regeneration shaped so much and he'd felt like he couldn't place what had shaped her into the woman she was now. It was the missing regeneration. He'd missed an entire personality and everything that came with it.
Then the anger hit. He stood up, storming over to the console. He placed his hands on the top and hung his head, squeezing his eyes shut, taking in a deep breath to stop himself from flying completely off the handle. Someone had killed his wife. Someone had taken her life and had done it when he'd been powerless to stop it. He should have never let Missy go. He should have chased her through Skaro and made sure she never got to hurt anyone again. He should have wrapped his fingers around her neck, he shouldn't have let her out of his sight for even a moment…
"I'm sorry."
Her voice was weak, and timid and terrified and he turned around as quickly as he'd stood up. She looked so small on the stairs, so much younger than either of them actually was. She had said that it would make him the maddest, and she hadn't been wrong, but she thought that anger was aimed at her for keeping it to herself.
The anger fell away to grief. Danni had always known there were bodies of his that she'd never met. There were Doctors she never got to know. There were lives he'd lived that they'd never shared. That was the price you paid for not being the other person. She'd always grumbled, but it had been good-natured and there was nothing either of them could do to change it anyway so what was the point in being upset?
He'd just never expected it to happen the other way around. He'd met Danni in her first body and, until the moment he'd died, he was going to be with each and every one of them. And that had been taken from him, from both of them. There was a whole Danni he'd never met. He had no idea what she looked like, or sounded like. He'd never kiss her, or hold her, or make love to her. He'd never get to take her hand when either of them was scared. He didn't know what her favourite drink was, or if she still liked musicals. Had she read a lot? Had she still loved horror movies?
And she thought that was all her fault. He could see it, feel it clearly. She thought Missy killing her was all her own fault. No wonder she looked to the Master for comfort, Missy had torn her apart.
He crouched back down in front of her. He took her face in his hands like he had always done. He wanted to tell her he didn't blame her, not for one moment. Nothing she could have done deserved that. He couldn't, though. All he could do was look her over, memorising every single detail of her face because that was all he had. He'd missed the last one, he wasn't going to forget a single part of her.
Danni swallowed. "Missy-Missy said…"
"It doesn't matter," he interrupted. He ran a hand back, feeling her brown hair fall through his fingers. "None of it matters."
Her brows furrowed and he felt the muscles move to show her confusion. "Yes, it does," she corrected. "I've done so much horrible stuff, and I've kept that from you. Aren't you mad?"
"Tell me about her," he replied instead. "Tell me all about her. Don't leave a bit out."
Danni blinked and he wondered if her eyelashes had been longer. She had quite faint ones now, ones that she liked to cover in mascara to make sure they were visible. Had the other Danni had thicker eyelashes, is that why she wanted them that way?
"I was ginger," she started small and he smiled. "I-I was tall, too. Really tall, actually. Tallest I've ever been."
"You've never been tall in any of your lives," he countered. "But continue."
She ignored the slight. "I had freckles, and I- Would you believe I could actually sing?" she asked. "Because I could. I'd kill to have that voice again. Honestly. I know people say they can, but I could really sing." She watched his face. The bitter-sweetness was almost overbearing, but he was listening to her every word like his life depended on it. He really wasn't angry with her. He just wanted to know her. "And she was Scottish."
His eyebrows shot up. "Scottish?" he repeated and she nodded. He let out a laugh of delight. "You know, you've told me that I sound Scottish on occasion. I wonder if you kept that idea in your head."
"You are Scottish, Theta," she pointed out. "Just because you can't hear it doesn't mean the rest of the universe can't."
He shook his head, he still didn't believe her. "What else?" he asked.
She bit her lip, thinking for a moment. It was rather hard to explain how you used to be, doubly so when it was another regeneration. "Well, I guess, she was angry," she offered. "All the time. I used to pace an awful lot. Missy said I was like an animal in a cage, but I think she rather liked that." She saw the smile waiver on his face and she grimaced slightly. "Sorry, that wasn't the best… I used to really like flowers."
"Flowers?" he asked. "You mean bouquets, or growing them? What type? Or was it a colour thing?"
She couldn't help but smile slightly at his questions. After everything he'd learnt he just wanted to learn more. She took his hands off her face, holding them between you. "I loved you so much," she told him sincerely. "I knew that, no matter the hows and whys, you were always coming for me. We would always find each other and I threw it in her stupid Mary-Poppins face every chance I got. When she would hold me down and force me, I always knew it was temporary. When she tricked me into hurting people, I knew that you would know it wasn't me, not really. My old body knew her mind so much better than I do now. You would have loved her so much, Theta. I did. I loved…" She trailed off suddenly, eyes wide as a realisation seemed to hit her square in the chest. "I liked her," she whispered. "I don't like me, but I liked her. I didn't want to let her go."
"Danni," he sighed. "You are my Danni-Girl. You always have been, you always will be. I know you're struggling but I can tell you right now that I love you, every you. The old you, the new you, the ones I've never met." He leant forward, resting his forehead on hers. He closed his eyes. "Until you can like yourself, I'll just do it for you."
She leant into his touch, but didn't say a word. They sat in silence for a few moments until he saw it. A flash of a ginger woman in his mind's eye that he had never met. A smiling woman in bright blue jeans and a white, loose-fitting top that reminded him of Earth in the 1960s. He laughed again but didn't open his eyes. She was beautiful.
Danni wrapped her arms around him. "I'm sorry, it's okay," she whispered softly. "I'm so sorry, Theta. I'm so sorry." Her voice sounded strained, pained, like she was crying and he realised he'd started crying too. He chuckled again, then he started sobbing, wrapping her up as tightly as she held him as they mourned, together.
~0~0~0~
I'm so worried about this chapter. It isn't how I envisioned in my head, but I can't seem to make it into that either. I think it's too rushed but adding anymore seemed like too much padding. I just... I dunno, I hope you all enjoy it :)