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XV
Sean Ackard wasn't stupid. Despite what he knew some people assumed, he could tell when someone was about to say something he didn't like. And Emily Fields opening her mouth and telling him there was something he should know was one of those moments. But he didn't expect the sucker punch to his gut to feel quite so hard when she uttered the words, "Hanna and Caleb… they're together," down the phone.
"What?" He stuttered, the haze of shock spreading out into his blood stream to make way for the sudden rise of anger.
"They're, together," Emily repeated awkwardly.
"You mean, like together together?"
"Like," Emily bit her lip as she tried to think of the right example. Why were men so dense? "Like holding hands, making out, maybe running away together?" She offered up.
"So my foster brother's dating my ex," Sean's voice suddenly got tighter as it tried to squeeze out through the dense layer of ire that saturated his body. Just as he'd started to drop the word foster… "That's funny," He shook his head, "That's a really good one."
"It's not a joke Sean," Emily spoke softly, "And I know it's not to them."
"Great," He shrugged, pursing his lips, trying to brush it off, "That's great. Great for them. Thanks for the news."
"But the reason I'm telling you," She tried, "The reason I'm telling you is because they're probably together right now. And they might know where Penny is."
Sean took a shaky breath as the worry and panic surged through his veins again, and his brain struggled to cope with the sudden mix of emotions. "Penny," He whispered, his voice trembling. His baby sister was missing and they had no idea where she was. "Okay, okay," He reminded himself of the strength his sister needed right now as he swallowed to wet his suddenly dry mouth, "Listen, Em," He started, "If you hear from them…"
"I'll call you straight away," She promised.
"Okay," He repeated, bringing a hand to his eye as he felt tears begin to build up, "Bye." He hung up, not waiting to hear her response.
He was still processing her words as Helen walked over to him with his coat in hand. "We're going to go look for her," She muttered, before turning to grab her own things. "Your father's reached out to the Church community and they're organising a search."
"Mom?" Sean called after her. He needed to tell someone, anyone.
"What is it?" Helen walked back over to him, taking him into her arms.
Sean sniffled and let a few tears leak, before something in him told him to keep his mouth shut. Now wasn't the time. "We're gonna find her."
As the community suddenly seemed to mobilise in Rosewood in the hunt for Penelope Ackard, Hanna and Caleb had never felt further from the small Pennsylvania town. Rushing in from the rain that was suddenly falling hard from the sky, they'd wasted no time in ridding each other of their wet clothes and tumbling onto the unmade bed to prove to each other just how deep their feelings ran. After all, actions spoke louder than words.
Their lovemaking was slow and languid, for once not needing to worry about when their time alone would be interrupted and they'd have to go back to pretending to be friends working on a project together. And after, when they eventually found themselves just wanting to be close under the comforter, Hanna knew their relationship had changed, because Caleb wanted it just as much as she did.
He'd shared a piece of himself with her that he'd never shared with anyone before and that made her feel more than she thought was possible. She craved more, but at the same time it was enough. She was satiated and yet hungry, content but addicted; all she knew was she wanted every single bit of him over and over again and again.
Caleb's brooding voice pierced the comfortable silence that had settled as Hanna's thoughts consumed her. "My Mom was a drug addict."
She closed her eyes momentarily as she felt the pain that radiated from his voice, before sitting up a little to look him in the eye, "Yeah?" She said tenderly, running her hand across his chest.
"She was pretty fucked up," He added, sighing to himself, "I remember her injecting once before she was supposed to take me to school."
"How old were you?"
"Five," He answered stoically. "One day, she just never came to pick me up."
"Caleb," Hanna's heart broke for him in that moment; both the five-year-old boy who had no idea what was going on and the seventeen-year-old man in front of her who'd carried the pain and scars of unimaginable experience for twelve years.
"It had happened before," He murmured, his hands splaying over her back to keep her close, "But usually the social worker who I got lumped with managed to get hold of her. I guess that time, she didn't wanna pick up."
Hanna pressed a gentle kiss against his chest, before his lips, "You are so strong."
"I never found her when I moved back to New York." He added, glancing at her, "Maya was helping me when we were fostered together. She'd found her Mom and Dad and decided she wanted nothing to do with them, but she said she knew someone who could help me too for cheap."
"But they didn't?"
"Nope. It was like she'd just disappeared out of the state."
"What about your Dad?" Hanna asked.
"I never knew him," He shrugged, "Not sure he even knew he got her pregnant."
"Do you still want to find her?"
"No," He sighed, "Not knowing might drive me crazy sometimes, but if I ever met her again I don't know if I'd be able to control what came out of my mouth."
Hanna rolled on top of him, stroking a piece of hair back from his face, "Have you ever spoken to somebody about how you feel?"
"You," He sent her half a smile.
She sent him a tentative smile back, before lowering her mouth onto his for a hard kiss. "But seriously," She pulled away, trailing her finger across the scar in his forehead, "I think it would help for you to speak to someone. I've been there..." She hesitated for a moment, "I didn't think it was useful at the time but she really helped."
"Maybe," He was non-committal. "When Kennedy died they made me and Maya get a therapist and she was a pile of shit," He sat up and she tumbled back onto the bed as he moved to grab his cigarettes.
Hanna watched him again, trying to think about what he'd been through. They were only skimming the surface and already she was feeling so angry at a system she didn't fully understand. All she knew was that it was unfair - everything that had happened to him was unfair and she wanted to spend all her time proving to him that things could be okay; he could have a family with John and Helen and Sean and Penny. And with her too.
"Talk to me about her," She murmured, their eyes connecting as she lounged against the pillow and watched him smoke out the window. "Kennedy," She clarified, when he said nothing.
He took a long drag of his cigarette, exhaling into the murky New York evening. "She'd only just moved into the shithole that was our foster home a couple of weeks before me and she was pretty fresh to the system when I first met her," He muttered, thinking back, "She hadn't been knocked around too much or anything like that and you could tell," He added, taking another drag. "She loved to talk and talk and laugh and tell these awful jokes that only kids do."
"Penny's are really bad too," Hanna grinned as he stubbed out the butt in between his fingers and made his way back over to her.
"They are," He agreed, raising his eyebrows at her. "She reminds me of her a lot," He added quietly, once he'd settled back alongside Hanna.
"Was she obsessed with horses too? Kennedy?"
"No," Caleb murmured, "She didn't have that many toys," He started, "But she had these two dolls that she took everywhere. She brought them to dinner once and pretended to have them eat with us. That was the first time Tony flipped out on her... that I saw."
"Was he your foster Dad?" Hanna curled into his side.
Caleb shrugged, "If you wanna call him that. He liked to pop a few too many pills with his whiskey to be any type of Dad to anyone."
"Wait, they put you with addicts? Isn't that illegal or something?"
Caleb sighed, "I mean they were aware he had a prescription for some back issue but as much as I hate my social worker, I'm pretty sure she didn't know about his 5pm slot with vallies and a tumbler."
"Is that when he would hurt you?"
Caleb turned to look at her, "He only hit me once and after I kicked him in the balls, he knew he had to pick on someone who wasn't his own size."
Hanna bit her lip, almost afraid to ask the next question, "Did he hit her a lot?"
Caleb brushed his hair back from his face, "He said he didn't, but..." His voice dropped slightly and he shook his head with regret, the thoughts that he'd kept locked away for a very long time starting to come back to the fore. "She didn't deserve it."
"Neither did you," Hanna whispered, brushing her finger down the side of his hair.
"I guess."
"Caleb if you didn't know it was happening then there was nothing you could have done to stop it."
"I know that," He swallowed, "But you always think, what if I'd paid attention more, made sure she'd been taken straight to bed after dinner by Maya, what about that?"
"You can't think about the what ifs," She murmured, "They'll eat away at you bit by bit... and I only just got all of you."
He managed to send her a small smile, "Maybe."
Hanna didn't say anything and settled her head on his chest, her palm resting over his heart as she felt his hand come round to squeeze her shoulder.
"She was only seven," He said almost silently as he blinked slowly, "He beat a seven year old to death because she was playing too loud."
Hanna closed her eyes as she fought to keep the swell of emotion that had reared itself under control. "I'm so sorry," She whispered, burying her head in his neck as they clung to each other, finding strength where they knew they could.
"So am I."
"I hate him."
"So do I."
She sat up, holding the comforter to her chest as she wiped at her eye, "Let's go say hi to her tomorrow."
"I'd like that."
"We can go tomorrow, after the orientation session."
"Yeah," He cupped her cheek, his calloused thumb stroking over the side of her mouth. She was more than he'd ever imagined. "We can."
"Penny!"
"PENNY."
"Penelope!"
The voices of the Rosewood community echoed around the streets of the town as people furiously searched for Penelope Ackard. But Noel Kahn blocked them out as he let himself into the cabin he was using to cultivate marijuana for the bored housewives who were starting to light up as part of their monthly book club. This was a lucrative business and he needed to make sure his plants were doing just fine, especially now that Caleb had managed to hook him up with someone in Allentown who could help him distribute further than the last road in Rosewood.
"Interesting," He paused as he noticed the bottom panel on the door was dislodged. Eric and Caleb would have both known where he kept the spare key if they needed to get in to do anything. "Hello?" He yelled, letting himself in. "Anyone decide to just let themselves in without permission?"
When he got no response, he put the broken door down to a raccoon that had probably found some food and thought they were onto a fast one. "Fucking rats," He muttered under his breath, heading for the door that had been off limits to almost everyone for a few months. It was getting harder to keep this side business under wraps with the weekly parties getting bigger and bigger.
Just as he was flicking through the keys on his chain to find the right one, a noise from the room at the back stopped him in his tracks. "Hello?" He called again, picking up the nearest hard object he could find.
There was an indiscernible noise again and as he headed into the back room, prepared to swing at either a raccoon or someone trying to catch a free nights sleep with a roof over their head, he was stopped in his tracks by little Penelope Ackard lying on her side in the middle of the floor, chocolate crumbs around her mouth and a half eaten brownie in her hand, barely conscious.
"Fuck."
It was 7am the next day when Caleb tried to reach for his phone.
"No," A tired voice mumbled next to him, running a hand up his arm to lace their fingers and stop him from moving.
"Hi," He grinned, leaning down to rub his nose against a half-asleep Hanna's cheek, before he found her lips with his own and gave her a tender kiss. She sighed against his mouth, lacing a hand through his hair before they pulled apart, "You sleep okay?"
She nodded, pulling his wrist with his watch on towards her so that she could look at the time, "For 3 hours," She bit her lip to stop her grin.
"Well," He rolled on top of her, "That's what happens when you stay up all night fornicating with your boyfriend."
"Ew," She screwed her face up, "I hate that word."
"What?" He laughed, "Fornicating?"
She shivered a little and pulled the sheet higher above her chest, "It makes it sound so…"
"So what?"
"Like we're reading a book or something."
"Trust me," He grinned, "It was nothing like reading a book."
"Really now?" She teased him, winding both her hands through his hair as they stared at each other.
He leant down to press a gentle kiss against her lips, "Every time," He smiled, before she pushed him off her and climbed out of bed.
He leant back and watched her as she grabbed her towel from the floor and headed towards the bathroom. "Do not follow me," She called, shutting the door behind her and leaving him to reflect on his thoughts as he heard the shower being turned on.
"Kills me," He mumbled to himself, shaking his head as he pulled his jeans on and reached for his half-empty pack of cigarettes that were by the fire escape before climbing out to light up. Despite how brief their conversation had been about him and everything he was, Caleb felt like a weight was lifted. All the pain he thought he was hiding from everyone… he was starting to realise that he was only projecting it onto other people, other situations in a different way. He wanted to tell Hanna more; more about how bad it all hurt. And he would, he smiled to himself, but after her open day. This was important to her and it wasn't like another few hours was really going to make a difference. It felt like they had all the time in the world right now.
That's how Hanna made him feel.
Suddenly, he had a reason to do well, a reason to try hard, a reason to exist. He'd never been this way with anyone before, but he liked it. A lot.
"Fuck," He muttered, as he thought about the little side-hobby he'd restarted with Noel. "I need to talk to him," He said to himself, thinking about some of the webs he'd managed to get himself tangled in when he was back in Allentown. Now wasn't the time to re-enter the fray.
"Talk to who?" Hanna asked as she climbed out of the window to join him, her hair now wet from her shower.
"Jesus babe," Caleb held a hand to his chest, "Don't do that," He murmured, pulling her tight against his body as her arms naturally found their way around his waist.
"Sorry," She smiled, giving him a gentle kiss. "Who do you need to talk to?" She pushed him, not willing to let it go.
Caleb sighed, glancing away before looking back at her, "Noel," He said, deciding honesty was the best policy from now on, "I help him out with a few things that…" He thought carefully about his words, "Aren't great," He explained, "And I want to stop."
Hanna stroked his chest gently, "Like what?" She asked, staring up into his eyes.
"Like hooking him up with people to sell his weed to in Allentown."
"His weed?" Hanna frowned.
"What do you think the big room with all the red lights at the back of the cabin is for?"
"Noel grows weed?!" She exclaimed, a small smile gracing her face. "God, his parents would kill him. I wonder if Sean knows."
"I don't think anyone apart from his brother knows. They have a pretty neat set up though," He added, "I'd heard about them from a couple of guys I knew up in Allentown who wanted to get into the supply chain business more seriously."
"So that's why you were so friendly with him at the start of school?"
"Yeah, I guess," He stubbed out his cigarette on the railing, "But I don't wanna be his mouthpiece anymore."
Hanna ran her hands down the arms that circled around her, "Why?"
Caleb sighed, "I guess, I just don't wanna be involved in anything that could mess us up."
A smile grew across Hanna's face, "Really?"
"Don't go getting all smug about it," He shook his head, before leaning down to nibble on her bottom lip as he kissed her to distraction. "You wanna go get some breakfast before your tour?" He asked, trying to change the subject once he finally pulled back.
"Yeah," She nodded, "But let me finish getting ready," She said, "And I wanna make sure my portfolio is perfect in case I get to meet an admissions tutor."
"You know it is."
"It's just…"
"I know," He pushed his lips against the side of her face, "It means a lot."
"A lot," Hanna raised her eyebrows, thinking about exactly how much money it was going to cost if she got in. And there was no way her Dad would be paying for it. He wouldn't be paying for her to go anywhere other than Cornell.
"You got it," Caleb promised her quietly, giving her a final kiss before he pulled her inside to finish getting ready whilst he showered himself. They were finally out the door an hour later and sat outside a bakery in Greenwich Village when Hanna checked her phone.
"God, Em's sent me like 50 messages," She muttered, quickly scanning through her notifications, "And my Mom's called me at least 10 times."
"Is everything okay?" Caleb asked, pulling her onto his lap as she typed in her passcode.
"I… don't know," She said honestly, trying to scan Emily's messages to understand what was going on. "Has anyone called you?" She asked, her stomach dropping as she clicked on a message from Sean. "Caleb?"
"It's just turning on," He murmured, staring at his beat up phone as the Apple logo finally faded away to reveal his background. "Why? What's Em saying?"
"Caleb…" She whispered, her eyes welling with tears.
"What?" He asked soothingly, rubbing her arm with his hand as he tried to comfort her, "Why has Sean been calling me?" He wondered as the notifications on his phone finally came through, "And why have I got 15 voicemails?"
"Caleb," She whimpered, turning to face him as he held his phone to his ear to hear the first message from Helen. She watched as the colour drained from his face and his grip on her tightened and that's when she knew.
"We need to go."
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