Author's note: Hi all!

I'm sorry for the long wait D: I took a trip and when I got back personal issues held me from writing. But I've returned and you get to read a whopping 4.8k words in this chapter so I hope it makes up for the wait! For some reason, Chloe's POV was more challenging to write than Lucifer's but I'm happy with what I've written.

Thank you so much for all the feedback, your comments fuel me to write more and I am so happy that you've tagged along for the ride.

Title credit goes to Dreams We've Had. I dearly hope you listen to the songs I choose for each chapter because they reflect the mood of the story.
Anyways, enjoy.

"This is Detective Chloe Decker, I need an ambulance right now!" Her voice was on the cusp of giving up on her.

There was blood everywhere.

Chloe held Lucifer's hand in hers, feeling his clammy, cold skin under her touch. The contact made her breath hitch. She was on the verge of breaking apart, fissuring under the pressure and giving up. Her mind demanded her to cry and let the tears flow, to crumple to the floor and stop what she was doing. A train wreck of emotions brewed inside of her.

But she couldn't. She had to stay strong for him.

"Why?" The question fell from her lips quietly.

Had she been so neglectful to let him slip under her watch like that? If only she had paid more attention, maybe she could have helped Lucifer, maybe she could have stopped this. Everything was in front of her and yet she had decided to brush them off so selfishly.

This was her fault.

It was so stupid of her to let him leave the crime scene like that. Stupid, stupid, stupid-

Lucifer's raspy breathing caught her attention. The pained sound was like a slap to the face, grounding her. She brought a hand to his cheek, feeling the coarse stubble on her palm. Her free hand immediately went to his neck and fingers rested on his veins. The pulse was weak, but still there, beating faintly.

He looked so broken.

Terror held her in its grasp as she had painstakingly treated the gash on his chest, blood spilling out in scary amounts. Chloe cursed at herself as she applied bandages she had retrieved from the first aid kit; her knowledge on treating injuries was insufficient. She hated how useless she was, having to watch Lucifer bleed out to death-

No. He wasn't dying.

Chloe took in a shaky breath as the distant sound of sirens reached her ears.

Then everything was a blur of paramedics and people flooding the club. She was whisked away from his side unwillingly as she held onto him, her fingers laced into his. She didn't want to let go. His name was ripped out of her throat in a harsh yell as she was dragged from his side.

Before she knew it, he was taken away. His form looked so out of place on the white sheets of the stretcher that rushed him out of Lux.

Lucifer was gone.

Her shaking fingers were tapping numbers on her cellphone again.

Chloe sat on the bland seats of the hospital. Her foot tapped impatiently on the floor, jumping up and down and sending tremors up her leg with every movement. People passed by her, talking and rushing from place to place, but she felt foreign next to them.

She had tailed the ambulance to the hospital in her car. Lucifer was taken straight to surgery and a nurse had told her to wait, not replying a word to her torrent of questions. It was agonizing sitting there, doing nothing while Lucifer was fighting for his life. Her stomach flipped at the thought.

Chloe closed her eyes and slowly breathed in and out.

She hit dial on her phone.

"What's up, Chloe," Dan's voice spoke on the line. A weak smile appeared on Chloe's lips; his voice was firm, reassuring.

"Dan," Her voice shook, "I'm- I'm at the hospital." She failed to keep the pain in her words hidden.

"Chloe, what's wrong?"

"Please, just come over," she pleaded, "I'm fine. Just, please come when you can."

"Chloe, tell me what's going on."

She curled her lips before she gave in. "Lucifer, he's- he's hurt."

Worry and guilt hit her in waves. She couldn't explain any more than that. Not without breaking down. Luckily Dan didn't question her further.

"Shit," There was a shuffling noise on the phone, "Okay, I'll come after my shift. I'll get a sitter for Trixie and be there. Where are you?"

She racked her brain for an answer; it was hard to concentrate. "Cedars-Sinai Medical Center," she replied, remembering one of the paramedics telling her the name before they rushed out of the club.

"Alright, sit tight."

He hung up.

The phone rested in her hand, pressed to her ear as she listened to the constant buzz of the dead line. She swallowed the lump in her throat and dialed the numbers again.

"Please pick up," She said to herself as the phone rang.

"Yes?"

She sighed in relief at the voice. "Amenadiel, I need you to come over," She cut to the chase.

"What- Chloe?"

Tears pricked her eyes. "At Lux, Lucifer, he-" She couldn't piece the words together properly, the tremor in her throat creeping back to her voice.

"Whoa whoa, calm down."

"Just come over please. I'll text you the details."

What was she supposed to say?

The scene played out in front of her eyes once more; the blade tearing apart the soft skin, Lucifer's scream upon contact, red stains everywhere-

"Alright, I'll be there right away," he replied. She hung up without another word.

Chloe tucked her phone away in her bag after sending him the location. And then she waited.

And waited.

Dried blood stained her hands and shirt but she couldn't even begin to think about removing them. She couldn't bring herself to wipe it away without recalling the nightmare.

She tried so hard but in the end she messed it up.

Chloe buried her face in her hands. The lump in her throat hurt.

"I'm such a terrible friend," she spoke out loud. She could have stopped this. How was Lucifer even going to feel after this whole mess? Chloe frowned remembering every time her partner lashed out, his mental health deteriorating right in front of her eyes yet all she ever did was yell at him and send him away.

She was going to help him recover. If he woke up-

"Stop it," she scolded herself. He was going to wake up from surgery. He had to.

She needed him.

Lucifer was kind, selfless. Behind the loud exuberant front he put on he was just a man with all his faults and shortcomings, but still caring. Whatever he was going through, he didn't deserve it. No one did.

She stared at the white soulless tiles of the hospital floor, trying to make sense of her thoughts.

Why wouldn't he talk to her?

It hurt her heart knowing Lucifer wouldn't confide in her after all they had experienced together. An awful feeling pooled in her chest and she grimaced at the sensation. She wanted to be mad at him, but she didn't have that right.

Surely she must have done something wrong to make Lucifer feel that way.

Chloe shook her head. She had to start bettering herself. For his sake.

Minutes passed by and she watched the handle on the reception's clock creep closer to four. The detective sat there like a hollow husk, waiting for anyone to give her some reassuring news that Lucifer was fine. Chloe perked up with each approaching nurse but sunk back in her seat when none of them walked up to her to say anything.

After a while she was almost lulled to sleep, her neck tilted to the side at an awkward angle.

A firm hand gently grabbed her by the shoulder and squeezed. Her eyes snapped open. For a short second she thought it was her partner, coming back to tell her everything was fine, that he wasn't hurt and she wasn't a terrible person for not paying attention to him.

"Amenadiel," She spoke. He wore a worried expression, expectant eyes waiting for her to tell him what was wrong.

"Chloe, are you okay? What happened?" His eyes trailed to her red hands.

Chloe got up from her seat, body aching from sitting in one place for too long. Her hand went to her hair and grabbed a fistful.

"I wanted to talk to Lucifer today, I went to Lux, but he- he-" A jumble of words came to her mind, each struggling to get out of her mouth.

Her lips trembled. Chloe had held herself up for so long, not letting her confidence falter. Her mind hadn't had a moment to process what she had gone through, failing to keep Lucifer from taking his life right in front of her eyes.

She couldn't take it anymore.

Chloe wrapped her arms around Amenadiel and buried her face in his shirt. "I'm sorry, I tried to stop him but I couldn't- the blade, oh God I can't believe it-" Tears she had held back for so long spilled down her cheeks.

"I'm so sorry, I tried to keep him from doing it, I'm so sorry Amenadiel, there was so much blood everywhere-" The stream of tears continued and the tightness in her throat held her from talking any further. Her shoulders shook. Her sobs were muffled against the soft fabric of his shirt.

His strong arms wrapped around her after a few second's pause as she cried with her face buried in his chest.

"Chloe, please." He was visibly worried but he didn't pry or turn her away. He gently rubbed circles on her back and let her weep.

She held on to him for a minute.

Amenadiel put a hand on her back and gently invited her to the seats. He took the empty spot next to her and patiently looked at her.

Chloe inhaled. She had to tell him, no matter how painful it was to her.

She wiped her face with the back of her hand. "Lucifer tried to- he stabbed himself." Chloe didn't want to see the look of shock on Amenadiel's face, so instead she chose to stare at the beaten floor tiles and folded her arms.

"Heavens," was all he said, but concern coated his voice.

Chloe's eyes stung from exhaustion. She shook her head and sniffed, "I'm so sorry, I tried to stop him but I made a mistake, this is my fault." She dared to look back up to him.

"Don't apologize, if there's anyone to blame… it should be me. What a mess…"

Chloe didn't reply.

"Any news?"

"No. They said something about too much blood loss and took him away. I haven't heard anything since."

Amenadiel nodded, eyes momentarily falling to the floor. "Wait here," he quickly got up and vanished into the crowd of patients and people.

Soon he reappeared with a bottle of water in hand. Chloe smiled at the gesture as he handed it to her.

"Thank you." She said weakly. He sat next to her again, waiting for her to drink before he spoke.

"You said he stabbed himself?" He asked.

"Yeah."

"With what?"

"Excuse me?" Chloe blurted.

"Can you describe what he used?"

"Uh," Chloe shook her head, not able to comprehend where Amenadiel was going with the question. "It had a long blade, I'm not sure. It's hard to remember."

"Was it curved?"

"Curved? No, no it wasn't."

Amenadiel's eyes widened, brows arching at her response. A pang of panic hit her. Did she say something wrong?

"Oh, this is bad," he exclaimed. "Did come in contact with it?" His eyes examined her carefully. Chloe caught the tinge of dread in his words.

"No, he threw it somewhere." She bit the inside of her cheek. This was painful to talk about and she hated how Amenadiel was asking her for details.

Flashes of the blade glinting in the lights of the club appeared before her.

"Where were you when it happened?"

"At Lux."

He shot up from his seat, making Chloe jump a bit in surprise.

"I uh, got something to take care of. I'll be back soon," He said and hurried away to the exit, leaving her without any explanation.

Chloe stared at him from her place, eyeing him until his form disappeared in the crowd.

She was alone again, left to drown in her thoughts.

She held her head in her hands and sobbed.

Nothing.

At first, that was all he saw. The darkness was welcoming, enveloping him like a warm blanket on a cold night. He basked in the oblivion. For once he was at peace, without drowning in the human emotions he had been so caught up in.

Except, one thing was wrong.

He shouldn't be feeling anything.

Lucifer heard the echoes of something familiar. It was faint and gentle like lazy rays of sunlight glowing through curtains. Then it slowly grew clearer, taking the shape of a human's voice.

"Lucifer," It called.

He couldn't quite place the tone. It was just in his reach but his mind couldn't make sense of it.

The sounds faded in and out, sometimes clear and other times mumbled but couldn't catch the rest of the words. Through the darkness a soft dazzle of light appeared, steadily spreading and lighting up his vision.

The voices got clearer. A man and a woman, talking back and forth. Something beeped in the background.

His body was slowly waking up. First he sensed the twitching of his fingers, then his chest rising and falling.

He was breathing.

Which meant he wasn't dead.

His mind started working in a daze, putting two and two together. The smell of alcohol reached his nose and a wave of worry washed over him.

He didn't know where he was, and that was terrifying.

His breathing picked up. The beeping in the background grew more rapid and less spaced out in response.

His eyes felt as heavy as lead, but with cumbersome effort he finally opened them. Everything was a shapeless blob in his vision at first.

"Lucifer!"

"Ch-Chl-" Lucifer's voice failed to accompany him, instead coming out as a rough sputter. He blinked a few times and his sight became more vivid, taking in his environment.

Then, she came into view.

"Chloe?" Lucifer sluggishly tilted his head in her direction. The last bit of fuzziness left his eyesight and he saw her beautiful face, lips curling into a soft smile with her reddened eyes crinkling at the gesture.

His head swayed from her to the room, taking in his surroundings.

White walls. White sheets. IV tubes running all the way into his arms. The atrocious blue robes he was wearing. The putrid smell of antiseptic. Chloe, looking more disheveled than he had ever seen her, sitting in a chair next to the bed. His bed.

Bloody Hell.

Then he remembered everything.

The sudden rush of information made his head spin. Lucifer let out a grunt and brought a hand to his forehead, eyes darting from place to place. He connected the dots; he wasn't dead, quite the opposite unfortunately. After everything he'd put the Detective through, refusing her help and leaving her at crime scenes when she needed him the most, how could she still bring herself to help him? How did she not run away from him even after he scared her so much at the club?

If she had the slightest idea what he had done, how much of a monster he truly was, if only she had seen his real face- why did she bother so much? He didn't deserve her affection or time of the day; he was the Devil for crying out loud, evil, terrifying, he shouldn't be alive-

The welcoming touch of her skin against his brought him back. He averted his gaze back at her, slowly, afraid that she would shy away if he made any sudden moves. He watched as she intertwined her fingers into his. Lucifer grimaced; he wanted to cherish every moment he had with her but this wasn't right. She shouldn't be there, shouldn't be holding his hand looking at him all doe-eyed as if she was staring at stars dotting the night sky.

His eyes were glassy and he was ashamed of looking at her. The sight of their hands holding made warmness pool in his chest. It calmed his racked nerves, even if it was only for a little while.

"Dan, can you please give us a moment?" Chloe spoke, not taking her eyes off Lucifer. It was only then that Lucifer noticed Daniel standing quietly in the corner of the room opposite to his bed, arms folded. He nodded without a word and left the room, shutting the door behind him.

Bloody Hell, Lucifer wasn't going to hear the end of it now was he? Detective Douche probably had a good gander at him in his sorry state and laughed his ass off when he was out. His face contorted into a frown, lips pressed together.

But that was a subject to worry about at another time.

He tried to sit up. Chloe's firm hands supported his back and helped him up, then she readjusted the pillow so Lucifer could lean against it.

"Thank you," he said, then they both fell quiet. Chloe held his hand again.

The silence was crushing, weighing him down like he was drowning in a body of water. His gaze lingered on their hands.

Chloe finally spoke, her calming voice a welcome sound to his ears. "How are you doing?"

Lucifer finally dared to look at her. She looked tired with her hair sticking out from the ponytail she always tied it in, eyes bloodshot and he instantly knew she had cried. The sight struck an awful feeling in his guts. He wanted to hug her, hold her there and tell her she was going to be okay, but it was no use when he himself was the cause. He hid the thought away in the back of his mind.

"I…" he replied. Awful. Like I flew into a solar storm. Frankly Detective I'm not even sure why I should be breathing right now. "I will be fine, Detective."

"Lucifer," she started, and instantly panic set into his mind.

"Please," he cut through her words before she could go on further. His eyes were glassy. "Chloe, I... I understand how you're feeling. Save yourself the trouble of telling me how reckless I was, or how selfish I was for… doing what I did. If you want to leave that's totally acceptable and you're completely within your rights to do so. You, Detective," he swallowed, "are selfless to a nauseating degree. But everyone has their limit. So please, do what you must. You can tell me to never come back to you or pester you at the precinct and I will not question a word you say."

The words burned his throat. He couldn't blame her if she was there to push him away and tell him to never show up in front of her again. He couldn't imagine any other scenario than that. The sentiment clawed at his heart, making his breathing shallow and rapid. He was sure Chloe felt the warmth of his hands seeping away, being replaced by cold nervousness.

After a few second's pause which seemed to stretch and turn into agonizing minutes, Chloe shook her head ever so gently. Lucifer was surprised to see concern in her blue eyes instead of the pity or anger he was expecting.

"No, Lucifer, that's not what I was going to say."

Lucifer tilted his head to the side in question, lips parted. "But Detective, I saw it, I saw how scared you were when I-"

"I was."

The color drained from Lucifer's face. He was so ready to back away and shut her out and never allow himself to be this intimate again. "Of… me?" He said.

Chloe widened her eyes and leaned in from her seat, inching closer to the bed. She wrapped both hands around his, holding onto him like he would slip away if she loosened her grip.

"For you! I was scared for you!"

"But Detective-"

"Lucifer, just shut up for a moment," she replied, lips tightening into a thin line. Lucifer looked at her with curiosity, eyebrows cocked up. "I wasn't scared of you. When I got to Lux everything was such a mess and I was worried for you. I never thought you felt so terrible to want to hurt yourself like this." She tiptoed around her words, careful with what she said to him. "I'm sorry for every time I yelled at you, or told you to go away. I feel like I have been the worst friend for you and I let you slip right under my watch. I'm sorry that I made you feel like you couldn't confide in me. I let my judgement get the best of me. We're partners, and partners should be there for each other." Her eyes glistened.

Lucifer's throat tightened at her reply.

"Why?" He mustered his strength to speak but his voice was shaky and unsure. It was like treading through a landmine, careful where to set foot unless he said something wrong and everything blew up in his face.

Chloe squeezed his hand reassuringly.

"Because I care for you."

And how could he not believe her? After all she had gone through for him, he couldn't deny it anymore. She could have left him to bleed out then and there, she could have abandoned him. Her sad, tired eyes and the dark rings underneath them told him enough already. Hell, she even went out of her way to check Lux, because she really did care, even if he thought he didn't deserve it.

"But Detective…" A voice in his mind screamed at him that he shouldn't accept this, that if he told Chloe the truth it was going to end in misery. And he knew that fact very, very well, even if it killed him on the inside. He felt his heart being impaled by raw sadness. "You don't know what I've done. If you knew-" He stopped himself. He didn't want to think about that possibility. "I don't want to lose you, Chloe."

A fuzzy feeling overwhelmed Lucifer when he saw the smile on her face. It spread through every inch of his body. It felt intoxicating, better than any high sex or drugs could ever offer, something he never thought possible. He wanted to bask in it and cherish every single second of it. It should have been scary how much power she held over him without even knowing, but somehow, it filled him with bliss. His stomach felt empty like when he would dive through the sky and plunge towards the Earth; it was exhilarating. It made him feel alive.

And that was exactly the reason why he had to hide the truth.

If she knew, everything was bound to crash and burn around him and shatter his soul to the core. He couldn't take another heartbreak.

"You're right. I don't know what you've done." Her blue eyes gazed into his and he drank in the sight like wine. "That's why I'm asking you to let me help you."

Lucifer didn't reply. His heart beat wildly in his chest and he was sure Chloe could hear its uncontrollable thrumming against his ribcage. Every logical part of his mind screamed at him to deny her help. He opened his mouth to speak, to tell her how much of a horrible idea this was, but a stifled voice came out instead.

Her features softened and she continued, "I don't know what you're going through. But watching you suffer so much and hurting yourself, it's killing me. I want to help you. Please, let me."

He couldn't accept it. He shouldn't.

He wanted to tell her the truth but at the same time the thought of losing her terrified him to Hell and back. She was the only person who had gotten past the barriers he had put up and she had seen him at his barest. If she knew how much of a terrible person he was, she would run away like everyone else. And if that happened Lucifer wasn't sure if he could keep his sanity.

"Please." She repeated, desperate to receive a response.

Lucifer peered at her silently. He couldn't. Just because he wanted to accept her help didn't mean he should do it.

Seconds passed. Then a minute. Then two. They looked at each other in silence that ruled over them.

Lucifer tore his gaze away from her.

Chloe sighed and lowered her head. Fear struck at Lucifer's heartstrings as her grip around his hand loosened, the terror hitting him like ice water being dumped over his body. He bit down on his lips; it was better this way, if she stayed a minute longer he would break down and accept her help-

The chair scraped against the floor and Chloe got up. Lucifer caught a glimpse of the tears welling in her eyes as she bent down to grab her purse. Time seemed to slow down when she turned her back on him to walk out of the room.

You're being a selfish bastard. Look at how you're making her feel.

He was doing it again, wasn't he? He was being so eccentric and self-centered he was hurting Chloe again and again. He couldn't help himself. The thought left a bitter taste in his mouth like poison. His heart broke watching her try so hard to help him but he had pushed her away, even if that was the best for both of them.

Something worse came to mind. What if declining her help made everything worse?

Every rational part of him screamed at him to run away and shut her out.

Just when Chloe was about to take a step away from the bed, Lucifer lunged forward from his place and wrapped his fingers around her wrist.

The action sent a jolt of pain through his abdomen and he wheezed as the air was knocked out of his lungs. His vision became dark and the room began to spin around his head. Lucifer let out a shriek, his free hand going to his bandaged wound while the other still held onto Chloe like a lifeline.

"Lucifer!" She spat and rushed back to him, dropping her purse to the floor. "Are you okay?"

Lucifer brought a finger up, silently signaling her to wait. The pain slowly subsided and he struggled to breath for a second, but air filled his lungs once more and he sank back into the pillow behind him.

"I'm… fine, Detective," he wheezed. Chloe looked very unconvinced by his words.

"I'm going to call a nurse," she said with a hard expression.

"No, please don't." He gently tugged at her hand and Chloe's features instantly softened. "Please, stay."

He was a selfish bastard, he knew it. But he couldn't push her away any longer, not after all she had done for him. He was doing this for her sake, no matter how hard every part of him told him not to accept her help.

The detective nodded with understanding eyes. She let go of him and brought back the chair to the bed, this time placing it as close to him as she could.

Lucifer took a deep breath. He sat up once more, his movements calculated and slow so the fresh wound wouldn't cause another bout of pain.

"Lucifer, please promise me one thing." Chloe spoke.

"Yes?"

"Promise me you will never hurt yourself like this again."

He couldn't even think of saying no to her.

He nodded his head. "For you Detective, I promise. And you know-"

"You're a Devil of your word." She completed his line for him. Lucifer smiled.

Once again silence filled the air, this time missing the previous tension.

Chloe waited patiently for him to speak.

Lucifer toyed with the words in his mind, not quite sure what to say or where to even begin.

He looked at the detective.

The pain and guilt were catching up to him again, it was getting too much to bear just like before and his breath hitched at the thought, it was too much, he could feel tears threatening to spill-

"My brother died." He finally said, his voice nothing but a whisper.

Chloe gasped. "Lucifer, I'm so sorry." He was caught by surprise as she sat on the edge of the bed and hugged him.

And with that the walls he had tried so hard to hold up broke down to a million pieces.

He wrapped his arms around her middle and buried his head into the crook of Chloe's neck. He couldn't stay strong anymore. Tears fell down his cheeks. His body tremored from the raw emotion he finally allowed himself to feel.

"It's okay, it's okay to cry." Chloe stroked his back with her kind hands.

And he did.