(4585 Words)
Raph sits on his floor, the exact spot he had sat in the first time he cut. He had his sleeve rolled up and his eyes trained on his wrists. He hated them. He hated that he did any of this. But what he hated the most was that smug-ass Leonardo. So he takes his knife and places it against his skin. "Fuck you Leo." He whispers, pressing and sliding just under the last one, going up his arm that much more.
He goes over the initial cut three more times, the blood soaking into the blade. A spite cut. That's what it was. Raph didn't want anyone telling him what to do, especially not Leo. Raph sets the knife down, a few droplets of blood getting on the wooden floor. "Fucking fuck fuck fuck..." Raph mumbles, the profanities feeling helpful.
He lays his head back on the bed and closes his eyes, his bloody wrist facing the ceiling. He was so tired. It was a moment of bliss before panic jolts through his whole body. The door is unexpectedly pushed open and Raph is frozen. "Raph, can I talk to you for a minute?" Raph's reaction was just barely too slow, swiping the blade under his bed and his hand behind his back.
Z stares at Raph and closes his eyes for a second. "Ugh... Does anyone know?" He says simply. Raph thinks for a moment about lying, saying that nothing actually happened but he knew it wouldn't work. "Britney... My old foster brother..." Raph grunts out angrily. Z moves into the room and sits next to Raph. "Cameron?" Raph shakes his head and Z bows his.
He swipes his hand under the bed and grabs the knife, closing it up with Raph's blood still on it, and sticking it in his pocket. "Dude, I don't want to but I have to tell Cameron." Raph feels his heart skip a beat. "This- It's not good for you. And I know I shouldn't care but I do. You're like the first person to come here that I've actually kinda enjoyed." Raph scoots away a bit and pulls his arm back around to the front, grabbing his wrist.
"No. you- You can't..." Raph says quietly. "I-I don't do this like all the time or anything. there's only like... six cuts..." Raph says, realizing too late that his plead didn't sound good. "Dude, you'll thank me later, I promise." Z says, standing up. "I'll talk to you later about what I came in here for." He says before going back to the door. Raph wanted to stand and grab the blade back, to punch Z and make it so he wouldn't tell anyone but before he could figure out what he was actually going to do Z was gone.
"Fuck." Raph says. He stands shakily and slips out of the room and into the bathroom where he could lock the door. As soon as the door was closed he let himself go. His chest fills with anxiety and sadness. He felt like his head was filled with pounding liquid and it's one escape was his tear ducts. He backs himself to the door and slides down, his face filled with tears. He didn't want anyone to know. The people who did know didn't care. He really should've learned from the first time someone caught him.
He presses his hands to his eyes and his face contorts into one of extreme pain. His breaths come in and out shakily and loud. Someone thumps up the stairs and Raph sucks in a loud breath. "Raphael come out here right now." Cameron orders. Raph shakes his head, though he knew no one could see him. The door jiggles with Raph against it. "Raphael." Cameron says again. "I know you're scared right now. Come out and I can help you."
Raph hears the door starting to be unlocked after another set of footsteps joins Cameron. Raph presses himself against the door harder, knowing the door opened inward. It starts opening but only an inch or two. A hand starts to slide in and Raph pushes back harder, trapping it. "Ah-! Raphael stop!" Cameron yells. Raph was panicking. He couldn't hold them off forever. He feels like he was truly dying.
The door is pushed open and Raph is slid further into the bathroom. Cameron comes in and bends down to Raph's level where he won't meet his eyes. He rubs Raph's upper arms and squeezes him"It's okay now, it's okay..." Cameron says, trying to keep Raph calm.
Raph knew it wasn't okay, that he'd be mad at him soon enough. Cameron squeezes him one more time, knowing how upset he was. "Let me see it." He says, reaching for Raph's bloodied wrist. Raph pulls it away, hiding it between his legs and his chest. "Go away." He says quietly.
"No. Come on now. We're going to clean you up and then we're going to have a short talk." Cameron says, grabbing the towel from the sink and wetting it. He puts his left hand out to take Raph's. Raph puts his head down on his knees and gives Cameron his arm, feeling him wash off his cut before taking out a first aid kit from under the sink and wrapping Raph's arm up quickly.
Cameron forcibly lifts Raph from the floor and half drags him to the boy's room. He sets him down on the bed and Raph curls up in the corner. "I don't wanna talk." He whispers. "Don't then." Cameron says. "just nod or shake your head." Raph hides his face. "Have you been doing this for long?" Cameron asks. Raph shakes his head. "Were you doing it before you came here?" Raph shakes his head again. "Do you... enjoy it?" Raph shrugs, his muscles tightening.
"Do you want to die?" Cameron asks carefully. Raph doesn't do anything for a moment. He shrugs. "Did any of the boys know before Alexander came to me?" Raph nods. Cameron thinks for a moment. "Was it Britney?" Raph twitches but nods slowly. "Okay..." Cameron and Raph sit in silence for a few minutes. "I-I wanna be alone." Raph whispers, moving back an inch or so.
"I don't think that's a good idea tonight." Cameron says. Raph makes a noise and dig his head into his legs. "I'm not going to do anything, please, I just want to be alone." Raph says just a bit louder. "I'm going to have Z sleep in here tonight." Cameron says, standing up to leave. "You'll have some time alone for now."
Raph hates all of this but it's what he brought on himself.
Downstairs Cameron takes the land line from the charger and dials in a number from a sticky note beside the phone. He waits a few seconds before the other end of the call is picked up. "Hello, Manhattan Social services, this is Greg." Cameron smiles. "Greg, it's Cameron from the Wandering Boy's home. I'm glad I caught you just before you left for the night."
"Yeah, I was just about to head out." Greg says. Cameron glances at the stairs. "We had a little indecent here with Raphael-" Greg interrupts, annoyed. "Again? Yeesh, I swear this kid is getting worse and worse." Cameron nods. "Yeah. He's been cutting apparently. He didn't want to talk understandably but he's only been doing since he came here." Greg sucks in a breath. "Oh..." He says quietly, and Cameron continues.
"I feel like Raphael might do better in just a foster home, not a group home. And since he's been suspended from school he's not getting a whole lot of time with other kids not in the home." Cameron sighs. "I know there weren't any more foster families in New York but maybe he could be moved out of state." Greg hums again. "Maybe. It'd be hard and complicated but he could be moved out of state. I was contacted by Raphael's last foster parent, Hamato Yoshi earlier today."
"You were?" Cameron asks. "Yeah, He said he wanted to meet up with him and I tomorrow. I was going to call you in the morning to set something up." Greg replies. "Okay... Well anytime tomorrow would be fine with me, just call beforehand." "Thanks." Greg says. "I'll see you tomorrow then." They say their goodbyes and Cameron hangs up the phone. He just hoped everything would be okay until then.
Cameron stalks up the stairs with a huff. He had to talk to Britney and he knew it would be an uphill battle. "Britney, can I come in for a moment?" Cameron calls calmly through one of the doors. "Whatever." Britney calls back, sounded extremely inconvenienced. Cameron opens the door and walks over to the bed where Britney lays with his head near the foot board. "What?" He asks.
"Did you know that Raphael was hurting himself?" Cameron asks quietly. "No." Britney says seamlessly. "He tells me otherwise." Britney doesn't even blink. "Well if he's been hurting himself then he could be lying about this too." He turns a page in the magazine he was reading. "I mean, he lied about raping his foster brother's girlfriend didn't he?" The smallest of smirks appears on his face.
"Britney, let me see your arms." Cameron demands. Britney rolls his eyes. "Oh come on. I'm not doing anything. Just because someone else is cutting doesn't mean I am." Britney says, dramatically getting frustrated. Cameron takes His arm and pushes up the brightly colored sleeve, revealing multiple new cuts, just barely healing. "God, what am I going to do with you two. Maybe you shouldn't live here. Maybe you need to go to a psychiatric ward."
Britney, at this point used to being caught folds his arms. "I'm not going to a nut house." He says darkly. "I'll fucking kill myself before I go somewhere like that." Cameron rolls his neck out. "Britney, please, let's not go there. If you don't stop we both know what's going to happen." Britney lowers his chin and closes his magazine. "I don't need to stop. Don't want to." Britney mumbles.
"Well you will want to soon because there's only one place you can be taken to after this if you don't get clean." Cameron leans closer. "And I know you won't like it." Britney is silent for a couple moments before a small, choked sob escapes his lips. He puts a hand to his mouth and tries not to let it out. "Hey, come here." Cameron says soothingly, pulling Britney into his arms.
"Don't touch me! I'm fucking disgusting, don't touch me." Britney says, scrubbing at his eyes furiously. "Stop now. You're beautiful. You've just made some bad choices. Life hasn't been kind to you but I promise you'll be okay." Britney struggles in his grasp. "Please, just let go." He cries. Cameron rubs his arms like he did for Raph earlier. "I'm not going to let go Britney. You are beautiful and you don't deserve those scars."
Britney tenses everything. "Today I'm beautiful, yesterday I was handsome, what am I anymore!? This shit doesn't make any sense!" He presses both hands to his eyes. "Anything you want to be Brit. You can be a beautiful, wonderful boy or you could be a handsome, loving girl, nothing matters except for that you stop hurting yourself. You can be whoever you want" Britney Yanks himself out of Cameron's grasp and sits as far away from Cameron as possible.
He stares at his feet, his head resting on his knees which were pulled up to his chest. He shook very slightly, choking back little sobs. Very slowly he stops crying, going completely silent and just picking at fuzz on his pants.
It was a few minutes before he spoke again."I'd... I'd take Raphael's long sleeved clothes if I were you. He'll do it again. No doubt. He'll be scared at first but he'll still do it." He says dully, looking away. "Check the whole room. There will be more blades. Don't leave him alone, no matter what. Don't fucking do it."
"You really want him to stop? Watch him like a fucking hawk." Cameron nods, knowing the best advice would've been from someone who experienced it. "I'm going to bed." Britney says as Cameron stands up. He digs himself deep under the blankets and keeps his head covered. "Good night Britney." Cameron says quietly.
Raph didn't sleep all night. It was terrifying knowing that someone who could do something knew about his 'secret'. Every few minutes he'd watch Z sleeping on the bed that used to be Matthew's, wondering how many people that asshole had done things to on that bed. Once the sun started rising Raph rubs his eyes, dark circles residing under them. He sits with his chin on his knees, picking absentmindedly at the bandage around his wrist.
Sometime in the night Cameron had come in and taken any long sleeved shirts out of his drawer. Raph had pretended to be asleep for those few moments but afterwards he felt his eyes burn again. He didn't even trust him with long sleeved clothes. He was screwed.
"Hey man, you okay?" Raph shakes his head, trying to get himself out of his thoughts. "What?" Raph says in a near whisper. "You've been spacing out for like twenty minutes." Z says, putting a hand on Raph's shoulder. "I-I'm fine." Raph mumbles, staring at his hands. "Um, okay... Anyways, Cameron wanted you to get ready to go somewhere soon."
"Wha- Where am I going?" Raph asks. Z shrugs and sits on his own bed, picking up a thick book he was nearly finished with. Raph didn't want to get up. He just wanted to sit in bed all day and not talk to anyone. Begrudgingly Raph pushes himself out of bed and goes over to the dresser, pulling out an old t-shirt and new jeans before heading out the door to the bathroom.
He goes to close and lock the door when he feels a small void where the lock should be. "The fuck?" He mumbles. The lock had been removed and once again a pang of guilt jabs his chest. This was because of him. He quickly changes and rubs his toothbrush across his teeth, ignoring the fact that he probably needed to shower.
With a grumble he stalks downstairs to see Greg sitting on in a chair across from Cameron. "Uh..." Raph says, folding his arms behind his back. "Hello Raphael, ready to go?" Greg asks, pushing himself up from the chair. "Um, where am I going exactly?" Raph asks, hoping with all his might that Greg hadn't seen the bandage.
"The Hamatos wanted to meet up with you today, talk things over you know?" Greg says, walking up to Raph. "We're going to meet up at a small diner about fifteen minutes away." Raph nods. "Y-Yeah, okay." Raph says, pushing back some stray hairs with his left hand, keeping the bandaged one behind his back.
"Behave Raphael." Cameron says as Raph and Greg walk to the door. "Yeah, whatever." Raph mumbles. Greg closes the door behind them and smiles at Raph. "Hey, you okay man?" Greg asks as they walk to his car. Raph nods, keeping his hand behind his back. If there was one person he didn't want to know about those cuts it was Greg.
"How's it been, you know being in the group home. Does it seem better, worse than a foster family?" Greg asks, starting up the car. "I don't know." Raph huffs, trying to figure out how he'd hide everything this whole time. "It's fine I guess. Don't have to worry about disappointing anyone or anything. Don't have anyone that really cares so I can do what I want for the most part."
Greg hums. "I'm sure Cameron cares a little bit at least." He says, driving down a slightly busy street. "And I care too." Raph rolls his eyes and instinctively crosses his arms. They sit silently in the car before they're stopped at a light. "Raphael, before we get there I think we should talk about what happened last night." Greg says calmly.
Raph's heart jolts into his chest. "Uh... Uh..." He manages out, sticking his arm back behind him again. "I'm not mad. I understand how you've gotten to this point, to be honest, I expected you to get there a lot sooner. But you've been so strong through all of this mess. I just wish you'd never gotten here. I wish we could've found you a good home before this happened."
Raph slouches in his seat. "Please try and stop. It's much harder to find homes for kids who self harm." Greg says, driving forward again. "And I know for a fact you want a home." The words being said aloud by one of the only people he really trusted felt like knives being driven through his chest and pins jabbing his fingers. Raph crosses his arms again, not caring anymore if the bandage was exposed.
They pull into the parking lot of an old styled diner and Raph immediately gets out of the car, feeling slightly claustrophobic. He stands by the vehicle, hand on the closed car door and staring at the diner. There was a small set of stairs going up to the door of the diner and he notices a familiar van parked close by. Raph takes a deep breath and glances to his right to see Greg waiting for him to make a move.
"I want you to stay calm, control your temper in there okay?" Greg says. Raph rolls his eyes and starts toward the building. Greg takes hold of Raph's shoulder. "I mean it. I know you're not exactly on good terms with old foster families." Raph shrugs him off. "Yeah, whatever." They walk in slowly, Raph ignoring the fact that his hands felt like they were burning.
As the door swings open a small bell rings and four heads turn towards them. There they were. They were all just sitting at a booth staring at them. All the Hamatos. Raph swallows hard and walks over shakily with Greg at his side. Why was he so damn nervous? "Hello. Mr. Hamato, boys." Greg greets, knowing Raph wouldn't.
"Please, sit." Yoshi says, motioning to the seat across from him. Yoshi was in one side next to Leonardo and then Michelangelo while Donnie sat alone in the side Raph and Greg were to sit in. Greg motions for Raph to sit first, trapping him inside as he sat. Raph lets out a quiet "Hi..." When he sits, keeping his head down.
As soon as the two were settled Donnie leans his head on Raph's shoulder, which was a feat seeing as he was so much shorter than the genius teen. Greg smiles awkwardly at the people sitting across from him. "How about we order some appetizers an then we can discuss-" He's cut off by Mikey who, out of the blue gains his happy-go-lucky attitude once again. "Do they have pizza here?" He asks loudly. "Michelangelo. Do not cut people off when they are talking."
Donnie nods his head on Raph's shoulder. "You have to wait your turn." He says. "It's a rule." Mikey rolls his eyes. "Yeah, I guess." After a few minutes they order some small dishes, luckily they did have pizza at the small diner. Everyone dug into their small meals except for Leo who had a glass of water. Said boy sighs and flicks his clear straw, making it spin around in the drink. "Raphael, I am extremely sorry for what I did. By not bringing the truth to light I hurt you and everyone in unimaginable ways."
There was a moment of silence before Leo raises his glance to Greg. "Mr. Gregory, I am sorry. I exaggerated the truth without full knowledge of what happened. What I did was absolutely wrong and Raphael should not have to pay for my stupid mistake." Greg nods. "I hope you know what you did would normally be called attention to by the state." Leo grimaces. "But I know your family. So I won't bring it up. No matter how much I feel I should." Greg finishes.
Leo nods thankfully. "Thank you. I know I don't deserve it." Mikey beside him folds his arms. "You got that right" He mumbles, only allowing Leo to hear. Raph picks at a small serving of fries, watching lazily as Donnie reaches over and takes a short fry out of his small container and eats it. "What, are mine better than your's?" Raph asks, glancing over at Donnie's fries.
"you have less soggy ones. The soggy one's are gross." Donnie says simply as if it was obvious. Raph sighs. "Y'wanna trade?" He asks and Donnie nods, head still on his shoulder. Raph shuffles the fries and takes Donnie's soggier ones while Donnie smiles at his new container of fries. "So, down to business." Greg says. "You said on the phone you had made a decision?"
Yoshi nods. "Hai. I believe we may give, as my sons say, One more shot with us." Raph's eyes widen. "We may have to make some cutbacks and possibly more drastic measures but we will make it work. I will make it work." Greg smiles and lets out a small breathy laugh. "That's- That's great! I mean, there will be a lot of paperwork, mostly on my part, and there will probably be some other conditions to it but I'm sure anything that could come up would be handled by the state."
"Great." Yoshi sighs. "When is the soonest Raphael could come back with us. That is, if he wants to." The Asian man looks to Raph who looks back in total shock. "I-I mean yeah. If- If that's a thing y'know..." Raph mumbles. Greg thinks for a moment. "If I plan things right it could range from a week from now to tomorrow."
Mikey brightens quickly from his gloomy silent state. "Really!? Oh my gosh!" He exclaims, nearly knocking over his soda. Greg laughs a little. "Yeah man." He says calmly. "Hey boys, why don't you go check out that old arcade room. They've got an original pac-man table and everything." Greg says, hinting that they boys should leave. Leo takes the hint and moves to stand. "Yeah, I bet I could take all of you on at that old pinball machine."
Mikey rolls his eyes but stands anyways, knowing he'd enjoy a game just not with Leo. Finally Greg slides out so that Donnie and Raph could leave with the two other boys. Raph tries to move but Donnie sits planted in his seat. "Hey come on Don." Leo says, motioning for him to follow. Donnie shakes his head. "Let's go dude, you like computers and stuff, that pac-man table is like an old table so maybe that'll be cool or something." Raph tries in hopes to get the stubborn boy to move.
Thankfully it works. Donnie sits up off of Raph and they both slide out, following Leo and Mikey over to the small side room with a few old fashioned games. Greg folds his hands on the table and looks Yoshi in the eyes. "So as I told you on the phone, there's been things going on with Raphael so in order to come back with you Mr. Hamato, He would have to be put back in therapy for no less than six months."
Yoshi nods. Greg pulls out his phone to check the time and notices a new text message that read: "Checked Raphael's room. Found two make shift blades under the mattress and behind the dresser." Greg sighs. "The state would cover most if not all of the costs. His child support would go up slightly but really not that much."
Again Yoshi nods. "How soon were you wanting to take him back on?" Greg asks. "As soon as possible." Yoshi replies. "Uh-huh. Okay. If you don't mind, I could head over to the office and get things started now and maybe I can get everything done by the end of the day. I can push back some of the other paperwork deadlines."
Greg obviously felt more invested in Raphael's case than any other he was currently working on. The two adults look over at the boys. They all seemed happy. Leo and Donnie watched as Raph and Mikey went head to head in a boxing type game. Leo was smiling and Donnie was spewing words out like he had been holding them all in since Raph left. Mikey had his tong stuck out of his mouth as he pounded the buttons, his eyes unblinking.
Raph had a small smile on his face. He was actually enjoying himself. There was a ding from the game and Raph shoots up, fists in the air as Mikey puts his head down on the game table. They were getting along. Yoshi smiles. They were getting along like the brothers they should be.
I know that I'm fucked up and infected
I've been hiding in the fear rejected
Thank God that you finally found me
Cause you got to get me out of here
I've been sick and disconnected
I've been loving like I've been neglected
All the walls coming down around me
And you got to get me out of here
I can't take anymore
I don't wanna to breathe I don't want to die
I can't feel I'm paralyzed
I'm not taking this tonight
Give me back my life
I can't breathe I can't fight
I don't wanna feel like I'm alive
I'm not taking this tonight
Give me back my life
Give Me Back My Life
Papa Roach
Once again, I had to put an extra long song clip in there to make it feel right. I know these updates aren't really that consistent but it's the best I can do. I hope you all are ready for some extreme drama though! We're going to have some FUN in the next couple chapters! ;P (Oh, and have any of you guys seen Spiderman Homecoming!? I saw it twice in the same day, its so freakin' good!)
Thank you all for being so patient with me and thank you for reading! I catch you in the next chapter!