(5102) words
Raph had spent two more days in that hell hole of a group home. He didn't talk at all within that time, not to anyone. He had his phone service turned back on and connected to the Hamato's so that they could communicate which was all Raph did in that time. Besides chores, Raph just sat on his bed, texting with the Hamato boys.
"Hey Raph!" Mikey had texted."Sup Mike." Raph texted back. He'd rather call normally but then again, that involved speaking."So you're coming back later today right?!" Mikey texts quickly. Raph smiles a little. "Yeah, cat'n wate to get outta here." Raph types, not noticing his misspellings.
"Oh! I just remembered! There's a school dance this weekend! You should come! It'll be like a welcome back party but like no one needs to know! Lol." Raph reads Mikey's text. He must have something Raph didn't because it was like he didn't even have to type at all with how fast he was sending these. "I don't know dude. I don't even have a date or aneething." Raph texts, again misspelling things.
"you don't technically need one. Plus, I bet you could find a date no problem-o" Raph rolls his eyes. "Maybe I'll go." After this Mikey sends a few excited emojis. "Yeah man! It'll be sick!" Raph leans against the wall. "Shur man. I need to get my things reddy if I'm coming back today so I'll see you latr." Raph sets his phone down and stares around the room.
He really didn't have that much to pack up but he had to give himself time to soak everything in. He was going back to the family he thought was pretty good and was making a connection with. It really was a first. Something new that hasn't happened before. It was weird but... exhilarating at the same time.
But then came the dance. He didn't have anything nice enough to wear. He barely had anything nice enough to go out to a dinner. He shouldn't have said he'd go. Mikey would never let him back out of it now. "Wha'sup Raph?" The voice breaks him out of his trance. He looks over to the other bed where Z sat, closing the book he had been reading. He must've finished it.
"Uh, nothin' man. Just thinking." Raph whispers. Z smiles. It had been the first time he talked to him in two days. He was beginning to think that he didn't like him. A few seconds of silence go by before Raph speaks again. "What were you going to talk about? That night when you caught me." Z squirms a bit. "Oh, um... I was just going to tell you something. 'Bout Britney. It doesn't matter though really, 'specially since you're leaving now anyways."
Raph squints his eyes at Z but turns his gaze away soon enough. He glares at the dresser. He had checked as soon as he got back, Cameron had taken the make shift blades he made. It felt like such an intrusion of privacy but he knew he deserved it. As soon as he got to the Hamato's he could find a new blade. Raph was surprised at how quickly he got hooked on this cutting thing.
So far he had only cut for specific reasons, or people. Not that he hadn't felt the need to do it without a specific reason. Raph blinks out of his daze, scratching at the bandage around his wrist. "Hey Raph, do you wanna go shoot some hoops one last time?" Z says. Raph could tell he was trying to distract him from whatever thoughts Z thought he was having. He was right to do so.
Raph pushes himself up from his bed. "Yeah, sure. Why not?" Z smiles genuinely and gets up from the opposite bed. The boys stomp down the stairs and past Britney who was laughing at a horror movie. Raph rolls his eyes and they head out the front door to the drive way. They threw a few free throws to warm up before doing some one on one.
"Let's go man! Gimme your all!" Raph says. Z laughs and Raph goes to shoot but Z comes in and budges past him, knocking him to the ground. Raph groans as his right arm scrapes the concrete. He blinks his eyes open and his heart skips a beat. He was looking directly under the blue ass van at a small chunk of sharp metal that must've fallen off the vehicle.
He doesn't think twice before grabbing it and quickly shoving it in his back pocket. "Yo Raph, are you okay? Didn't hit your head or nothing did you?" Raph chuckles and stands up. "Yeah man. That's not keeping me out of the game just yet!"
Raph Smiles awkwardly as he steps into the Hamato's household, the boys talking and moving excitedly. Greg and Yoshi step into the kitchen to talk and Raph wants nothing more than to be alone. Yes, he wanted to be with the Hamatos but he had a pinching in his chest and a burning in his wrist he needed to take care of.
"Hey guys, I know you're gonna hate me an' all but I kinda just want to go chill by myself for a bit. Maybe take a nap or something." Raph says, scratching the back of his head. Donne and Mikey deflate a little but Leo just nods. "I understand, go relax, it's been a crazy month for you." Raph smiles and heads up the stairs with his bag, the faux happiness leaving his face as soon as it was no longer visible.
He pushes his old door open and sighs. Everything was just the way he left it. Blankets bunched up on the floor, things shoved behind where the door had been flung open. Oh God it hurt. Raph didn't want to be in this room. The wound was still fresh. He slowly closes the door, trying to make everything seem like he wasn't freaking out internally.
He sits on the floor, right up against the door, and takes out the rusty piece of metal. He quietly undoes the bandage around his wrist and cuts into his skin with a small gasp. It was so satisfactory to feel that feeling. He had been clean for two days but it had felt like forever. It deserved another cut. He goes again, just below the first one.
The fact that they had put bandages on him was so helpful. He could hide the cuts, fresh and old. Raph learned from last time though. He covers his arm back up quickly and wipes the blood off the metal, hiding it directly on his person. Raph's breathing gets heavy as he once again takes in the room. Somehow the full effect hadn't hit him yet. but now he had his hand over his mouth, holding back small whimpers. He was terrified to be in this room.
His chest clenches even tighter, tighter than before he cut. It was only okay when he was focused on tearing his skin open. He tried to remember he was back with the family he wanted to be with but it only made things worse as he remembered the last time he was in this house.
Raph shakily stands and tries to move to the bed but stops half way. He lies down on the floor and closes his eyes. He said he'd be taking a nap so he'd take a damn nap. He breathes out heavily and takes short quick intakes of breath. He focuses on his breathing. In and out. In and out. In and out. Soon enough his breathing evened out as much as it could and lulling Raph into a light sleep.
Raph spins around. He was in the darkened room at the Hamato's home that he had called his own. His heart was pounding and his head hurt like hell. He hears a cackle echo in the room before some invisible force shoves him to the bed. It felt like hitting cement. Raph chokes on air and coughs multiple times.
The cackle sounds again and Raph's head is picked up and slammed into the concrete bed. He screams, the pain unbearable. "Help me out?" A voice says almost like a serpent. Raph struggles to get up but nothingness holds him down. "Let me up!" He shouts. His legs feel like they were being stabbed by a thousand knives. He screams and he feels something touching- groping him.
"Don't touch me!" Raph screams at the top of his lungs. It was like his past, everything was coming back to haunt him. He takes a sharp inhale of breath as his arms start shaking uncontrollably, letters carving themselves into his skin, deeper and deeper till it cut into fat. 'gross', 'dirty', 'disgusting', 'DIE'.
Raph Screams bloody murder, swinging out and hitting someone square in the jaw. He keeps screaming, his arms burning so bad. Raph rips off the bandages on his arm and scrambles as far back as he could, hitting the dresser. He screams as someone gets closer to him and swipes at them before his screams turn to sobs. He was so scared. He was so so scared, he didn't want to die. Not today.
Someone grabs him and squeezes him tightly. "It's okay Raph! No one's going to hurt you!" Someone yells, though it sounded as if they were doing so through jello. "I-I don't want-! I don't-don't want to- to die!" Raph cries out. "You're not going to die. I won't let you. Breathe Raph, breathe..." Raph tries, he really does but the panic was too high.
"I can't-! I can't-! I- I-" Raph sobs, choking on the words. "Raph, Raph, it's okay. It's okay. Look at me. Open your eyes and look at me." The person commands. Raph opens his eyes and blinks into ocean blue ones. "You. Are. Okay. I've got you. You're not going to die." Raph didn't care who this was, it was comfort and he needed that.
Raph latches on, shaking like a leaf. "Leo, what's going on?" A quiet voice from the doorway asks. "Nothing Mike, go back to bed." Raph sucks in a breath. "Really Leo, what's wrong with Raph?" Raph feels Leo move a little. "Nothing Michael, now go. To. Bed." The door closes and Raph's vision starts to clear. He could tell what was going on around him a little better.
Leo was holding him in his arms, his hands pinning Raph's to his chest so he couldn't do any more damage to his wrists. Raph hated that all this was happening and he wished it didn't but it was. It was happening and he had to calm down. "It- It hurts." Raph mumbles, his arm still burning severely.
"What hurts?" Leo asks. Raph shakes his head, realizing he had just outed himself. Leo was about to let the comment slide until he feels his had get wet. Leo moves his hand and stares at it. It was covered in blood. Leo's eyes widen. It should've been two days at the very least without him cutting. He had heard his father and Greg talking about it, so why would one of them just split open like that.
Two. There were two open ones. "Raph, you didn't..." Leo says. Raph closes his eyes and tries not to move. Leo lifts his Raph's arm to look at it closer. It was definitely infected, the cuts were oozing white pus along with the blood from ripping back open. "Don't tell, don't tell, please don't tell." Raph pleads, trying and failing to pull out of Leo's grasp.
"No, no, I'm sorry, I have to. I have to." Leo takes a breath. He can't lie anymore, about anything... Almost anything. "We have to get these things cleaned out." Leo says. "No. No, I want to stay here. I'm tired, let me go to bed." Raph curls up as Leo tries to make him stand. "Raph, these are infected, if we don't clean them out you could end up getting your hand cut off." Leo says, going to the extreme.
"I'm going to bed!" Raph says loudly, pushing Leo away and covering his face with his arms. Leo backs off for a moment. He stares at Raph. He wanted to be able to help, start to make things right but... He just can't fix this right now. Leo shuffles back and stands, moving silently to the door.
He moves quickly through the quiet house, passing a ticking clock that read three AM. He blinks a couple times and maneuvers his way through the living-room in the dark, finally making his way to his father's room, knocking twice on the wooden door. He waits only a few seconds before the door opens. "Leonardo, it is late, what is it?" Leo breathes raspily. "It's- It's Raph. I tried to help but he wouldn't have it."
"What do you mean my son?" Yoshi asks, taking a step forward out of his room. "He had a nightmare or something and he... He did it again. I don't know when but it must've been sometime today." Yoshi nods, taking the lead back up to Raph's room. "Please wait outside or go to bed Leonardo. You have done enough." Leo feels himself stiffen up. The words themselves hurt but the tone was still loving.
He hugs himself and walks back to his room. He'd done enough. Yoshi rubs his eyes tiredly before entering the distraught teen's room. "Raphael?" He says quietly. "Mm-Mm." Raph mumbles. "Did you have a nightmare?" Yoshi asks, coming in and sitting next to him. Raph knew he knew about the cuts but he didn't know why he didn't say anything about them.
Raph folds in on himself tighter. "Do you want to talk about it?" Yoshi asks. Raph shakes his head. "I just wanna sleep." Raph says, though his voice is muffled by his arms. "You do not look very comfortable here. Would you like to sleep elsewhere?" Yoshi offers, moving closer. Raph nods and Yoshi stands alongside Raph.
They walk without any noise to Yoshi's room where there was a folded up cot leaning against the wall. "Sometimes my sons come to sleep in with me as well so I keep a cot in here just in case." Yoshi lets out a small chuckle and sets up the cot. He goes over to a small closet, taking out a small wooden box. He motions for Raph to sit on the cot and he complies.
Yoshi opens the box and takes out a large bandage. Raph cringes. Yoshi turns over Raph's palm and inspects the cuts. He nods and takes out a small package of anti bacterial wipes and cleans off the cuts before adding a cream to the bandage and putting it over both cuts. He adds a layer of tape over top as well. "May I have your weapon." Yoshi says, phrasing it like a questing but saying it like a command.
Raph pulls the metal out of his pocket and gingerly places it in the man's hand. Yoshi nods in thanks. He puts the medical materials away and lays Raph back on the cot. "Sleep well." He says quietly as he goes over to his own bed. Raph pulls a blanket over his head and squeezes his eyes shut.
He was exhausted but expected for it to take a long time to fall asleep but within a matter of minutes he was breathing softly and sleeping easy.
Raph wakes up, not knowing what time it was and feeling like total shit. He holds his head as he sits up, looking around the room. He groans. "Fuckin' idiot." He mumbles, standing up and walking out of the empty room. The living-room on the other hand was were the buzz was at. All three of the brothers were sitting on the couches while Yoshi sat in a char in the corner, reading a renascence book. "Hey Raph come'ere!" Mikey shouts, waving him over.
Raph rubs his arm and walks over slowly and nervously. "Hey! So there's the school dance you know right? It's like for the whole school and it's coming up really soon! Like in two days real soon. We need to get you a tux or something!" Raph gives him a confused look. "Wait, what?" Donnie nods, staring at his hands. "If I have to go then so do you." Leo smiles awkwardly. "It'll be fun. I promise. Besides, none of us actually have dates. I mean, I was planning on going with Karai but..."
As Leo trails off the room gains an awkward air. "We get tickets to bring one person who doesn't go to the school." Donnie says, breaking the silence. "So you get two tickets and you can take anyone you want, even someone who is younger." Mikey and Leo both nod. "Hey, you know, I think dad has an old suit or something you could use. The rest of us have suits from various things." Mikey says, standing and moving over to Raph.
"It'll be great man!" Mikey says, throwing an arm around his shoulder. Raph twitches almost violently. "Oh, sorry, yeah..." Mikey says, backing off quickly. "Uh, anyways, It's gonna be real cool and fun and we're all going so there's no getting out of it." Mikey finishes awkwardly. Raph folds his arms. "Okay." He says quietly.
"Who're you gonna bring?" Donnie asks and Raph shrugs. "I don't know. I don't really know anyone at the school and anyone I'd bring outside of it isn't really... kid friendly." Mikey snorts and holds back giggles. Leo stands and stretches his back. "Well, I'm going to go out. I need to stop in the candle store." Mikey rolls his eyes. "You're so weird Leo."
Leo returns the eye roll and starts to head out of the room. "Wait." Raph says suddenly. "I- Can I come with?" Leo narrows his eyes. He glances over to their father and Yoshi give a small nod. "Yeah, sure man." Leo replies. "Go get dressed though." He says with a laugh in his throat. Raph brushes his hair out of his face and goes upstairs to change out of his musty clothes.
Raph groans when he realizes he has only t-shirts but decides quickly what to wear and heads back to the living-room. He stops abruptly, coming face to face with Leo. "Uh..." Leo doesn't seem to register the awkward air. "You ready?" He asks. Raph nods and Leo holds his stare a bit longer. "Let's go then." He says, opening the door and walking out like nothing had happened.
They walk silently to the van and climb into opposing sides. Leo puts the key into the ignition but doesn't turn it, just staring out the front windshield. "So why did you really want to come?" He asks. Raph rubs his upper arm and looks away. "I thought of someone to bring with to that dance thing. I just kinda needed a ride." Leo smiles. "Why didn't you just say so?"
Raph shrugs and looks as if he wanted to retreat into the shell that he didn't have. "Who was it you wanted to bring?" Leo asks, finally turning the key. "You know that girl that was involved with that guy shooting himself?" Leo nods. "I thought she'd have fun with that whole thing. Besides, dances have food and the kids where she's at don't get a whole lot of that."
"Awe, Raph, that's so sweet." Leo says as he starts to back out of the driveway. "Oh, shut up." Raph replies, looking broodingly out the side window. The rest of the drive down to Leo's stop was silent. "Come on." Leo says as soon as the van is turned off. "Ugh, do I have to come in?" Raph groans.
"Yeah. Let's go." Raph rolls out his neck and pushes open his door with a huff. As they walk inside Raph feels the need to remind Leo that he still hates him but he keeps his mouth shut. He still needed the ass to take him to Angel. They enter the shop and Raph looks around slowly. There was a giant assortment of candles along with candle holders and other metallic creations.
Leo heads for a large shelf of candles near the side of the store while Raph heads to the back. Surprisingly enough there was an offshoot of the store that had clothing, men's and women's. But what had Raph interested was a small shelf of knives. Some were locked up in cases, probably the more expensive ones, but some were just hanging on hooks.
Raph's heart started pounding and he hugs himself a bit. He glances over the knives and is entranced by a small red pocket knife with a single blade. Raph turns away from the display for a moment and seeks out the cameras and then Leo who was still scanning the shelf for candles. Raph takes a breath and looks back at the knife display and pulls out a blue knife that was behind the red one, making it fall to the fabric covered table below.
Raph looks it over and puts it back, standing in front of the red knife to conceal it from the cameras. He puts his hand behind it and pulls back slowly, making it seem as if the knife was never there. He drops it in his pocket and walks away towards the clothing section. If he knew stores correctly there were going to be dressing rooms somewhere in this area.
Raph internally applauds himself when he sees two rows of dressing rooms in a secluded area. Perfect. They weren't really his first choice but stupidly this store didn't have a bathroom. Raph starts skimming the shelves of clothes and grabs a pair of shorts to 'try on'. He goes to the dressing rooms and picks one right in the middle and steps in. there was a small bench and unfortunately a mirror.
Raph sits and flips open the knife, staring down at his bandaged wrist. They wouldn't notice if there was one more. He undoes the bandages and presses the blade to his skin, feeling the sweet release of pain. He presses harder and gasps a little as he cuts deeper than before. His hands tremble and he drops the knife, the bloody blade bouncing under to the next stall over.
He reaches down with his cut left wrist to pick up the knife but a dainty pale hand gets to it before he can. Raph hears a small gasp and the knife is dropped. He quickly snatches up the blade and holds it close up to his chest. He needed to get out of there. He leaves the shorts and opens the door quickly, noticing the door beside his was open as well.
Raph moves away from the door and tries to leave the clothing area but stops when he notices those same dainty hands attached to a tall woman wearing a blue sundress with a large, messy blond bun sitting atop her head. She looks at Raph almost afraid and notices the still bloody blade in his hand.
They both freeze, unsure of what to do. Raph realizes he never re-bandaged his wrist and the woman's eyes wander down to it. Raph presses his lips into a thin line and stands very stiffly, his hands balled into fists. "Um... Are-Are you alright?" The woman asks quietly. Raph stands still for a moment but then nods, wiping the blade off on the inside of the back of his t-shirt. Luckily he liked the color red.
"Do you need me to call anyone for you?" The woman asks, fidgeting with her hands. Raph shakes his head and turns to leave, hugging himself a tightly and hoping the woman wouldn't ask any more questions. "Are you here with anyone?" She asks. Raph freezes and squeezes his eyes shut for a moment. He nods and walks back to the other half of the store, placing the knife down on the display it came from and regaining his composure.
He quietly wraps his wrist back up just in time for Leo to grab him by the arm. "What are you doing?" He asks quietly. "Nothing, fuck off." Raph replies, wiping his slightly running nose on his arm. Leo glances at the knifes and glares at Raph. "Fine, let's go." He says, letting go of him. They walk towards the exit but get stopped half-way there.
"Excuse me-" They turn around and Raph instantly grabs his wrist. The woman in the blue sundress was standing behind them, a worried look on her face. "I-I know this isn't really any of my business but I just wanted to make you aware of something that happened..." Leo frowns, it was clear she was dancing around the subject, but what was it.
"Your friend-" The woman starts. "Foster brother" Leo corrects. "Oh, uh, Your foster brother, um, how should I say this... He was um, hurting himself... In the dressing rooms..." the woman holds her arm awkwardly. "I-I just thought you should know..." She says. "Thank you." Leo replies, side eyeing Raph. The woman quickly retreats back into the store and Leo grabs Raph's uncut wrist, yanking him out of the building.
"What the hell man." Leo says, dragging him to the van. "What were you thinking! You stole a knife and then cut yourself with it!? You're damn lucky I caught you last night because otherwise that infection could've gotten so much worse and you could've been going around as one hand Stan in a month! Now this?! I thought you could control yourself a little better than that!"
Raph scrunches up his face. "You don't know Jack shit Lameanardo! You can yell at me all day but until you know how I feel it's not gonna make a fucking inch of difference!" Raph feels himself boiling over with anger. "And you know what?! You'll never know how I feel! Because you're an entitled little rich boy who's never had to struggle a day in his life! Never had any kind of hardships, no losses or traumas that are so bad you think about dying every fucking day!"
Unknown tears start to leak out of Raph's eyes as he balls his hands into fists. "And once you finally think shit's goin' your way, when you think the universe is finally gonna give you a break! It crashes back down on you, leaving you there to ROT!" Raph drags his nails down his arm, leaving deep red marks.
"So don't tell me what the fuck to do! You don't know me! You don't know what I'm going through and you never will!" Raph slams his fist into the side of the van before pushing his back against it and sliding down it, putting his head down on his knees and his arms around his legs, letting it all go.
Leo was prepared to come back at Raph with another rant but stops as soon as he hears his sobs. He was right. He'd never know what Raph was going through. Never would. Leo slides down the van next to Raph and looks at him sorrowfully. "I'm... I'm sorry Raphael." Leo says quietly. "I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for what you went through and I'm sorry for any of the things I caused. Let's just go home and forget about all this okay?"
Raph doesn't move and Leo understands. They sit for a little bit and eventually a cop car rolls up, pulling into the nearly empty parking lot. The officer, a black haired woman, slams the car door shut and walks over to the two boys. "Something going on here boys?" She asks, hand on her belt holding her gun. "No, not really." Leo replies. Someone must've called the police after Raph's screaming match. "We're fine." Leo says.
The woman motions to Raph. "And what's up with him?" Leo glances at Raph. "He's fine. Just a little depressed." The woman stares at the pair for a moment, trying to decide what to do. "Go home boys." She says, walking back to her car. Leo pulls Raph up and walks around to the driver's side of the van, watching as Raph gets in the van.
"I won't tell" Leo says as they sit in the van. Raph nods. "Thanks..."
In the dark there's a light that's calling everyone out
If you could see beyond the walls that you have built
I know it's hard to escape the past and start it again
Those memories of all the future hearts you killed
I don't wanna be the one that's left behind
Don't blame me, don't hate me
I don't wanna be the one that's left behind
Old Scars/ Future Hearts
All Time Low
Yeeeeeee... I hope you don't hate me for not updating in literally forever. But guess what! The new episodes of tmnt made me up and ready to write some more! Hopefully I'll stay in this writing mood so I can start up with the next chapter! I actually had to chop my idea for this chapter into two chapters because it was going on for too long. ^^: Anyways, I hope you liked the chapter and I can't wait to hear your feedback!