(3690) Words.
Raph sits in the Hamato's van, breathing slowly and deliberately.
In and out.
In and out.
In and out.
"Are you ready to go inside Raphael?" Raph looks up at Yoshi sitting in the driver's seat. He nods and slowly slides out of the middle seat. "Remember, you only have to say what you want to say alright? But that doesn't mean you do not have to try and push yourself eventually." Raph nods, holding his stomach. He felt like he was going to puke and his head was swirling.
"Maybe... Maybe I shouldn't..." Raph says, taking a step backwards. "Na man, you got this!" Raph turns his head and looks into Mikey's baby blue eyes. He was sitting in the very back of the van, a forgotten game-boy on the seat beside him. "Besides, we already paid for it." Donnie says, coming out of the shadowy back corner of the van to sit in one of the middle seats.
"And you need this. Backing out won't help anything." Leo says from the passenger's seat. Raph nods and looks back to the small building, a small silver plaque was planted on the brick wall next to the door. 'Miller's psychiatric' Raph takes another deep breath and walks inside. There was a quiet waiting room and a small reception desk where a woman with dark black hair typed away on the computer.
Yoshi goes up to the desk while Raph hangs back a little bit. He scopes the room and folds his arms across his chest. There weren't that many people in the waiting room but with how many people were there and how small the room was Raph felt too insecure.
There was a tall, thicker blond girl sitting next to what looked like her grandfather. There was a boy, not too much younger than Raph who was looking around very nervous like and holding a sandwich that looked as if it consisted of bread, and then there was a big boned boy with dark blue dyed hair and a black leather jacket. The jacket had a metal 'S' on it that looked like it came from the hood of a car. There was a man in a clean suit next to him.
The last person in the room was a black girl with short curly hair and a tight, cyan tank top on. She glared at everyone in the room accept for an older man sitting next to her and holding her hand who could've been anything to her. Raph tried to sit down where he'd be the farthest away from everyone as he could, obviously not trusting anyone here.
Yoshi comes to sit next to him after a couple minutes of talking to the receptionist and they just wait. Raph was getting more and more anxious as time went on. "Raphael?" A quiet voice calls and his head bolts up to a doorway where a woman wearing a pantsuit stood. Raph suddenly feels like he's glued to his seat. He didn't want to go in. He didn't want to talk to someone. He just wanted to leave and hide forever.
Yoshi pulls him up and walks him over to the woman. She smiles at him and leads down the hall and into one of three offices, her's being the one on the far left. Inside was two chairs that were identical, a large window, and a small table waterfall sitting on the side table beside one of the chairs.
"Take a seat." She offers. Raph nods and sits next to the waterfall. "So, Raphael. Do you have any nicknames you like better?" Raph nods, sitting very stiffly in the soft, comfortable chair. "Uh... R-Raph." He mumbles. "Okay then Raph. Tell me, has anything been going on in your life? Anything you wish to share?" The woman crosses her legs and brushes away strands of black hair. She was obviously Asian in decent. From where exactly Raph couldn't tell.
"Uh..." Raph says, holding his freshly bandaged hand. "There-There was a-a Sho- a shooting at my-my school." Raph stutters out, staring at the waterfall. "Mm-Hm. How did that effect you?" 'Damn it.' Raph thinks. She probably thought seeing as he was relatively unscathed nothing really happened to him.
"It was... There- He was some guy that I knew... He shot at me and then..." Raph stops talking, suddenly too entranced by the waterfall. The room is silent for a little while. "Then what?" She asks. Obviously she wasn't going to let this go. "Things." Raph mumbles. He remembers what Yoshi said and he sucks in a breath. "I-I- He held me down and played Russian roulette until he shot himself." Raph says, squeezing his eyes shut like he was bracing for impact.
"That must've been very scary." She says. Raph opens his eyes and glances up at the woman. "How long ago was this?" She asks. "Three days ago." Raph mumbles, sticking his finger into the waterfall. The woman nods. "Would you like to talk about it longer?" Raph shakes his head and sticks a second finger into the rushing water.
"Well, that was quite a good start Raph. Now, tell me about your family..."
Raph flops down on the couch face first, letting out a tired groan. He felt exhausted and he just wanted to lay down and die. "Hey Raph, do you want any supper?" Raph hears Mikey call from outside the room. Supper? There was no way it was supper time.
Raph picks up his head and stares at a clock at disbelief. It felt like he just laid down and it had been an hour since then. "No." Raph calls back, his voice muffled from the couch cushions. There were foot steps and then Mikey calls again. "Hey yo Leo! Wan't any supper brah!?" Raph waits to hear Leo's reply. "Nah, I'm good Mikey!" Leo calls back from up the stairs.
Raph pucks up his head again as he hears heavy foot steps stomping up the stairs. "Leo, I know for a fact you barely ate today. Yesterday too." Raph pushes his upper body up off the couch and listens intently. "I ate enough okay? Besides, I'm just not hungry." Raph jumps a bit when he hears Mikey shout. "Bullshit! I see more than you think I see okay? I know you ate a banana this morning and that was it. Don't even try and tell me you're not hungry."
Raph is sitting straight up at this point. "I-... I'm not hungry. Go finish cooking before you burn whatever you're making." Raph hears a huff. "It's gyundon with tempura on the side." There was a long silence. "I'm not hungry." Leo says firmly. "Leo I know that's a lie! And I know even if you weren't hungry you'd eat it anyways!"
Raph isn't sure weather he should get involved or hang back. Raph didn't want the fight to escalate too much but then again, what would he do if it did? He should just stay back. "Leo, I know it's your favorite! Just-" Mikey's voice is cut off by a loud shout. "I'm not fucking hungry okay!? How come you're not hounding Raph like you are me?! He said he didn't want any either!"
'Oh shit.' They were dragging Raph into this now and he did not like it. "He has a reason to not want any food! You on the other had I've been watching gradually eat less and less! It's not healthy Leo!" There was a loud thud and Raph sees Mikey tumble back into the wall across from the stairs through the doorway. "Don't you dare tell me what's healthy and what's not." Leo say angrily. Leo stomps back up the stairs and Mikey stares in disbelief, bracing himself against the wall.
Raph pushes himself up from the couch and moves quickly over to Mikey. "Uh... What... What just happened?" Raph asks, helping Mikey up from his semi-squatted state. "I-I don't know..." Mikey says, trailing off. Raph folds his arms. "Where's D- Your dad? He cant've not heard that." Mikey shrugs. "He went with Donnie to that electronics store twenty minutes ago."
Raph puts a hand on his face. "How was I so out of it..." He mumbles. Raph drags his hand down his face and glances over at Mikey. He was wiping at his eyes and staring away from the tired teen. "Uh, Mikey?" Raph asks, feeling a small pinching in his chest. "I'm fine. I'm fine." Mikey says, waving a hand towards Raph.
"Uh... Are you sure man?" Raph says, furrowing his eye brows. "No." Mikey whines. "He- Leo's never just-just pushed me like that. I mean there's- there's training but we're supposed to do that then. But He just..." Mikey's eyes were welling up and he swipes a hand across his face.
"Uh..." Raph looks around for a moment. He wasn't good with emotions, especially other's emotions. Raph pats Mikey's back twice. "It'll be okay?" He says awkwardly. Mikey's sniffles stop but something else bubbles up. Raph backs up, thinking he'd just made it worse until Mikey looks at him, wiping the last of his tears away with a small smile on his face and chuckling.
"Dude that was the most awkward thing I've ever heard." Mikey laughs out, moving closer to Raph and putting a hand on his shoulder. Raph flinches but it was small enough that Mike didn't notice. Raph chuckles nervously and grabs his arm. "Yeah..." Raph timidly points to the kitchen doorway.
"Do you want me to, uh..." Mikey shakes his head. "Nah man It's fine." Raph gives Mikey a thumbs up and starts up the stairs. "I'm just going to like lay down or something." Mikey nods and starts to move to the kitchen, waving behind him. "Cool man." As soon as Mikey disappears through the doorway Raph lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding.
He nearly trips on the stairs as he moves sluggishly to his room, pushing the door open slowly. Raph stares inside and frowns. This room didn't hold the best of memories that was for sure, but this was just about the only place he could go that he wouldn't be bothered other than the bathroom and he couldn't stay there for very long without seeming suspicious.
He leans on the door frame and sighs. He for sure didn't want to go inside. Nothing good came of this room. It might as well have been cursed. Raph suddenly grabs his wrist. Standing here, it made him feel things. It made him feel scared, sad, angry. He feels his chest tighten and he knows what the feeling meant.
Raph knows he shouldn't do it but he hated the pressure that built inside of him when he didn't. Raph pushes away from the door way and goes to the door next to his, pushing it open and taking the room in. It was filled with old and new computers, random stacks of papers, and drawers spilling over with tools and mechanical instruments of all sorts.
Raph takes large, quiet steps towards the drawers and pulls one all the way open that was labeled 'school supplies'. He digs around a little before pulling out a small pencil sharpener. He didn't know where, but he'd heard somewhere that you could take the blades out. Raph stares at the tiny screw holding the blade in place before striking gold.
Right there on the desk was a small screwdriver laying next to a portable alarm clock that looked like was being turned into a little robot. Raph quickly undoes the little screw and pulls out the blade, placing the tool back on the desk and leaving, hoping everything else looked enough like how it was before he came that Donnie wouldn't notice.
Raph closes Donnie's door back to how it was before and starts towards the bathroom. He closes the door and locks it, hanging onto the door nob for a moment and breathing heavily. They weren't checking his bandages all that much so it'd be fine. One cut. Raph sits on the bathroom floor, unwrapping his arm and holding the blade steadily over top.
Slowly he presses into his skin with the metal tool, sliding it across in a straight line, his face unchanging. It honestly wasn't enough for him. He still feels the pressure in his chest and it panics him that it wasn't gone yet. He tries cutting the same one deeper but it was still nothing. his eyebrows knit together in worry and he moves up his arm a bit, going faster and harder.
Still the pressure builds. In a panic Raph digs the blade into his skin where his forearm meets his elbow and pushes hard as he drags it down to his other cuts. He gasps and the pressure releases. Raph lets his head fall back into the wall with a soft thud. It was all okay for a moment. For a moment he wasn't some foster kid, he wasn't a mental case, he wasn't Raphael. He was just... There.
That feeling dissipates after that moment, leaving behind horrifying dread. He hadn't been cutting for days now and they were going to be so mad at him. Yoshi was going to be so mad at him. He was so mad at him. Raph lifts his head back up and looks at his arm. It was completely covered in blood and starting to drip onto the floor.
Raph's heart skips a beat and there's a sharp pain in his chest. Fear fills his body from the center out and he jolts to his feet, turning on the sink and shoving his arm under the running water. He wipes at his face with his right hand, trying to clear his vision. He was surprised when he didn't see any fat sticking out of the wound for how deep he cut.
He keeps the water running as it keeps bleeding. He didn't have enough bandages for this. Someone was going to have to find out. "Oh God... Oh God... Oh Fuck..." Raph says shakily, wincing as the water stings his cut. His mind goes a mile a minute as he stands, frozen, at the sink. 'What if i bleed out? What if they find me dead in here? What if I have to tell one of them? What if I have to tell both of them? What if they hate me? Oh God they hate me.'
Raph squeezes his eyes shut. "Fuck, think Raph, who don't you care if they hate you? Who are you okay with hating you and will help?" Raph turns off the water and dries his hands on the towel before grabbing tissues and pressing them down on his bleeding arm. "C-Casey." Raph mumbles. "That dude's a moron. I couldn't give less fucks if he hates me."
Raph opens the door slowly, barely remembering to grab the bloody blade. He peers out and realizes he's the luckiest teenager in the world at the moment. No one was in the hall so he dashes to his room, entering like he hadn't just been avoiding the room five minutes ago.
He scrambles to his phone, hoping there was a still some sort of service on it. He shakily searches his contacts until he find's one labeled 'dumbass'. He immediately starts a text conversation. 'Need help. Like right now. Pleese come over.' Raph types, pressing his right arm against the tissues to try and stop the bleeding.
"Oh God, I hate everything." Raph mumbles quietly, laying back on the bed, hoping with all his heart that Casey would answer quickly. After a few minutes of Raph thinking he was going to die, he hears a small ping from his phone. 'What's up man? Are you ok? You haven't talked to me in weeks.' Raph fumbles with the phone again. 'Just get your ass over here ok!?' Raph doesn't look when the next text comes in. At this point he didn't know if he cared if Casey came or not.
Raph has his head under the pillow, hating every inch of his existence when he hears a loud knock on the front door. "I'LL GET IT!" Mikey shouts, thundering to go answer the door. Raph sits up on the bed, standing quickly. Their voices were muffled but he could still make out what they were saying. "Uh, hey. Raph texted me." Casey says. "Oh! He's just upstairs, last door on the left." Mikey says loudly.
Casey thumps up the stairs and Raph goes to the door, anticipating the other teen's arrival. Casey barely gets a knock out onto the door before its swung open and he's pulled into the room. Raph slams the door shut and huffs, out of breath. Casey and Raph just stare at each other for a minute, Casey's eyes naturally wandering to the red tissues on his arm.
"Oh fuck dude..." Casey says. "I don't know what to do." Raph says weakly, hating himself for even saying that. "Okay, Okay, chill out man. Lemme see it." Casey says, almost professionally. Raph slowly peals the tissues off his arm to show Casey the cut. "'Aaaiite, I can deal with this." Casey says, more to himself than Raph.
Raph feels a small bit of relief to find out Casey would at least help. "Do you have any like bandages or something? Or like a first aid kit? Raph nods. "Yeah, bu-but it's downstairs..." Casey rolls his eyes. "Let's go downstairs then." Casey says as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"I-I can't. Mikey-" Casey holds up a hand and gives Raph a gap filled grin. "I gotcha covered man." Casey goes and opens the door. "I'll meet you outside dude. I just need to take a piss real quick." Casey says loudly, nudging Raph towards the stairs. Raph isn't exactly sure what Casey is planning but he takes the hint and rushes out the door before anyone can see him.
Raph sits on the front steps for a couple minutes before Casey comes out, things from the first aid kit stuffed in his pockets. "K' dude, come on." Casey says like Raph knew what he meant. "Where are we going? What the fuck?" Raph asks. "Just chill out man. I told Mikey we're going to go hang so there's nothing to really worry about right now." Casey stops. "Well, except for the gash in your arm, but whatever."
Casey unlocks a dirty black car with a bad paint job and wordlessly tells Raph to get in. "Do you even have a licence?" Raph asks. "Y' only need it if the cops are after ya." Casey says, starting up the car. Raph stares at his arm. It was bleeding again, pooling up on his arm. "I hope we get wherever we're going quick."
"There you go, all good man." Casey says, looking at the finished product of twenty minutes, a roll of gauze, and some athletic tape. It had been a short, but fast car ride where Raph was sure they would get pulled over. Casey had taken them to an apartment building where they climbed to the top and sat on the roof, Casey starting work on Raph's arm.
They sit in silence, Raph rubbing his newly wrapped arm. "So... how ya feelin'?" Casey asks out of the blue. "Eh..." Raph replies quietly. Again the silence settles back into place between them. "You know, I used to cut like all the time man..." Casey says casually. Raph's eyes widen a bit but he keeps his stare on his arm.
"Yeah, I started when I was ten or some shit and stopped like a year and a half ago." More silence follows. "Dude, I didn't have anybody to stop for okay? But you? You've got a whole family, a future, all types of normal shit you can stop for. I'm not telling you that you have to stop or anything but I'm just saying... You got people who love you okay?"
Raph pulls his knees up to his chest, glaring off the edge of the roof. "Mm'kay."
Cause I've stood right where you're standing
Bruised, battered, beaten, broken down
Wore the frown
But I'm here to tell you, that you are loved
You are loved
That you are loved
You are loved
You Are Loved
Set It Off
Ahhhhhh! This chapter took sooo long! Like, it's not too far off from the last update, but I've been writing this chapter like all day. Oh, tbh I've been looking forward to this chapter for a while. Not the exact chapter but the concept with the song. I seriously suggest that you check out this chapter's song even if you normally don't. It's super good! (Not that the other one's aren't. They're all fantastic songs but this one is just special to me.)
And I know I said in the last one that that was the last emotionally charged chapter for a while but to be fair, this is the least emotionally charged I can get without it being a random filler.
Ah, but I'll write you guys in the next chapter! Can't wait to hear what you thought of this one!