(3635 words)
Raph and Casey sit in front of a small pizza place, watching as the cars race past. "So why did you really come over last night?" Casey asks out of the blue, arms resting over the top of his knees. Raph flicks a pebble from the small concrete stair they were sitting on. "Dunno." Raph mumbles.
"Liar." Casey says, nudging Raph with his shoulder. "I smell some serious bull shit man. Spill." Raph sighs and rolls his eyes. "I dunno man. I had this fucking weird dream and needed some air. Like I said okay?" Raph watches the cars intently as they get stacked up apon a red light. Casey nods. "Okay dude." He says, yawning.
They really had only gotten a few hours of sleep. A moment of silence passes before Casey's phone buzzes from his pocket. He ignores it, staring at the cars with Raph. "You know... If you want to talk-" Raph shakes his head. "I ain't talkin' to anyone 'bout anything." Raph grumbles. Casey's phone buzzes again.
"If anything, you should talk. That was fucking crazy back there." Raph says, lolling his head to the side to look at Casey. He starts picking at the bandages on his arm, ripping them a bit. Casey grabs Raph's hand and pushes it off of the bandages. "Dude, don't. It's fine. You don't need to stress over me of all people." Casey rolls his eyes as his phone buzzes again.
"Oh my God! I swear if this thing buzzes one more fucking time I'm throwing it into traffic." Casey huffs. Raph snorts and stares at the ground. "Let's not talk about this okay? Like, let's not mention ever that we've talked like we have feelings and shit." Casey nods. "Yeah... Agreed." Again, Casey's phone goes off, this time a ring tone.
"Fucking damn it. What the hell!?" Casey swears, looking at the caller ID. 'Leo Hamato' Read the screen. "Oh fuck dude..." Casey says, holding up a finger to Raph. He answers the phone quickly, putting on a smile like the older boy was standing right there. "Hey Leo, wassup man? I thought you were only going to call me for like projects and shit."
"Yeah, I was, But this is important." Casey feels a small pinch in his chest. "We can't find Raph, have you seen him recently?" Casey shrugs. "Dude, I don't know. I haven't talked to him since the last time we hung out." He lies. Raph sits stiffly, waiting for any kind of slip up. He really didn't feel like talking to them, especially not Leo.
"Okay, please call me if you see him." Leo says, hanging up the phone. Casey shuts off his phone and lets his head fall back. "Ah, dude... I held him off for now but if he called me, he's totally callin' April too. She ain't lyin'." Raph drops his head and groans. "Thanks anyways Casey. 'S cool of you to try."
They sit a little longer until Raph jumps up with a high pitched scream. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, what the hell man?" Raph had backed away from the spot they had been sitting, breathing just a little too fast. Casey follows Raph's line of sight until he was staring at a small bug, a cockroach. "This thing?" Casey says, raising his eyebrows and holding back a laugh with a snort.
"Shut the fuck up." Raph says, starting to walk away. He didn't need to stay, in fact he'd be better off going somewhere else anyways. "Oh come on man! I didn't mean anything by it!" Casey shouts, now far behind Raph. He didn't know where he was going, but knew it sure as hell wasn't going to be the Hamato's place.
He keeps walking down the street and Casey feels obligated to follow. "Raph, I'm sorry man, I-" Raph stops suddenly, staring down the street. "Dude?" Casey says, closing the distance between them. He puts a hand on his shoulder and tries to figure out why he stopped so suddenly. "Fucking damn it..." Raph mumbles.
A taller boy with hair just as long as Raph's was the night before was walking out of an apartment building, a big black leather jacket tight around his larger frame. Raph had seen him before, he didn't know why he didn't make the connection. He had been in the waiting room. The waiting room when he went to ther-
He was starting to walk towards him. "Raphael?" He says in a raspy low voice. Raph gulps. "S-Spike." The bigger boy's face lights up with a smile. "I haven't seen you in forever brother!" He pulls Raph into a bone crushing hug for a couple seconds before letting him drop. Raph wanted to rip all of his skin off.
He knew it'd been a while since they'd seen each other and he didn't know anything that had happened but it didn't make him feel any better. "Uh, who's this?" Casey asks. "Uh, this is Spike, he- He was one of my foster brothers." Casey nods, trying to figure out what Raph was feeling. "It's Slash now." Slash says, folding his arms.
"Oh." Raph says simply, trying to get his brain out of a weird numb state. "Uh, this is Casey." Raph says, blinking a few times in hopes of clearing his slightly foggy vision. Casey nods in Slash's direction. "Hi Casey." Slash says, a tint of poison in his low voice. "How do you know Raphael?"
Raph shudders. There was something about his full name that just felt wrong. Casey shrugs. "Just school. We're in a class together." Slash snorts. "School's for chumps." He says with a smirk. "Dunno why m' boy here's even botherin' with that shit." Casey glares at slash. "Yeah, whatever."
Slash shifts his gaze over to Raph. "What have you been doing lately? I haven't seen you since we were little!" Raph shrugs and nervously picks at his bandages once again. "The usual, jumping from place to place, hanging around you know?" Raph's faux calm demeanor was slowly deteriorating and Casey could tell he didn't want to be around this guy.
"Yo, Raph, we should probably start back to your place. Leo sounded pretty worried on the phone earlier." Casey puts a hand on Raph's shoulder and he barely responds, nodding slowly. "Come on Raphael, we should hang out! Let's do something together, how about one of our midnight runs later?" Raph slowly slips into a numb like state as Slash talks.
It takes him a moment but Raph shakes his head. "N-Nah, I-I'm just gonna head back." He says, starting to walk around Slash, still picking at his wrist. Slash grabs his upper arm, at first not saying anything and putting both of the smaller boys on edge. "Raphael." Slash says slowly and calmly. "Are you cutting again?" Raph feels like dying in that instant.
Casey frowns. Slash yanks Raph's arm up closer to his face to look at it. "I thought we made a deal brother." At this point Casey could tell Raph was not okay with the situation and it definitely didn't seem like the time to sit back and watch, but his curiosity got the better of him. "What do you mean 'again?'" Slash holds on tight to Raph's shoulders as he turns the stunned boy around to face Casey. "We had a deal." He says.
"When we were little Raphael cut a lot, just not his arms. We made a deal that as long as he stopped cutting, I'd stop sneaking out to do things." Slash tightens his grip. "And guess who just broke that deal?" Raph's face goes bright red. It was almost like having an embarrassing parent, but worse. Raph breaks away from Slash and folds his arms across his chest. "I'm leaving." He says in a low voice, walking away quickly.
Casey stares up at slash for a moment before chasing after Raph. Slash stands, watching the two other boys leave. He shoves his hands in his pockets and turns to walk away, a scowl fixed on his face.
Raph and Casey were only a block away from the Hamato's place at this point and Casey couldn't get Raph to talk to him in the slightest. "Raph, come on man, talk to me. What happened back there?" Raph huffs, sick of Casey talking non stop. "Shut the fuck up Casey!" He shouts, grabbing and pulling his short hair.
"I don't want to talk about it so just fuck off!" Raph screams, shoving Casey back and stomping away quickly. Casey stays on the sidewalk, watching him leave for a few seconds before he starts walking away in the opposite direction. He wasn't helping by bothering the guy so he leaves.
Raph just wanted to sit down and do nothing until he died, which he hoped was soon. But in reality he couldn't do that. He had to get back or risk getting in even more trouble. The thought crossed his mind that Casey might say something to the Hamatos and suddenly the idea of sitting on the sidewalk for hours sounded great.
Raph shakes his head, finding the feeling of air hitting parts of his head that were normally covered by hair slightly calming. He just needed this calming, isolating walk to readjust his thoughts. He had to think things through. What was he doing? Raph stares up at the Hamato's house and sighs.
Raph knew how much trouble he'd be in the second he walked in that door. He knew They'd yell at him and that he'd be risking so much by even coming back. He knew he didn't have very many chances left, but he didn't know exactly how many. Maybe this was his last screw up.
Maybe he was an inch away from being kicked out again, slapped with the unplaceable label and sent to some group home or something out of state. Raph rubs his hand across the back of his neck. Everything was just so damn confusing. He felt frozen, like moving forward one step would take all the effort in the world.
He did not want to go inside. It takes a moment but he makes a compromise with himself. Just go to the front steps and sit down. No big deal, and no confrontation. It's a win win. He puts his head in his hands once he's sitting and breathes deeply. He didn't want people to know about his past, at least, not if he didn't tell them.
And Casey... Oh God, Casey. He was such a nosy little fuck. And Spike being there didn't help either, the last time he saw him- Raph lets out a deep breath. "He tried to jump off a building... An' fucking take me with. Motherfucker." Raph mumbles, rubbing his eyes with a pained expression. It was at times like this that Raphael wished he was normal, that his parents had just kept him and saved him all this trouble.
If his parents had cared then he wouldn't have had to be scarred in so many different ways, he wouldn't have had to move from school to school and house to house. If his parents had cared then... He wouldn't have gotten to live with the Hamatos. If they had cared how does he know they would've been good? Maybe they would've been just like his past foster parents.
He keeps his head in his hands. Before all he wanted to do was think but now he'd do anything to stop because it was making him feel, and he hated when he felt. Nevertheless, he didn't stop. He keeps thinking, He keeps wondering and keeps bringing up the 'what ifs'. A burst of pure rage surges through him and he slams his fist into the concrete, making his hand throb.
"-then if I don't find him then we can try-" Leo stops talking, standing in the middle of the doorway. "Oh..." He says. Raph runs his hands through his hair, a stressed look on his face. He thought too much. "Uh..." Leo doesn't know what to say. He barely dealt with his own feelings lately, so helping someone else out wouldn't be the easiest thing in the world.
Raph didn't realize anyone was even outside with him, he was just too absorbed into his own world of anger. Leo creaks back inside and a few seconds later Yoshi follows out. Leo stands to the side and watches as Yoshi sits beside him, carefully setting a hand on his shoulder to let him know he was there. Raph jumps a little and tenses up, knowing he'd be in trouble.
"Raphael." Yoshi says sternly. "Where were you." It sounded like less of a question and more of a demand. "Casey's." He grunts out, crossing his arms. "When was this." Yoshi takes a step closer to Raph and the teen stands, a glint of defiance in his eyes. "Does it matter? I'm back now." His feelings were so out of wack, he just channels them all into anger.
"Do not take that tone with me Raphael." Raph cringes slightly at the use of his full name. "Why the hell not?" Raph pushes, turning his bored face to a glare. "Watch your language young man. You are on thin ice." Raph rolls his eyes. "What the fuck ever." He didn't need this. They may be the perfect family for him, and he may have bonded with them, but he needed to remind himself that nothing is permanent.
"Raphael!" Yoshi shouts, Leo's eyes widening behind the two and creeping back inside. "WHAT!? WHAT DO YOU WANT!?" Yoshi's nose wrinkels up. "I want you to stop shouting and tell me what you were doing, running out like that." He says loudly, but not loud enough to be considered a yell.
"FINE! I WAS OUT BECAUSE I FELT LIKE FUCKING DYING AND I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D APPRECIATE HAVING TO CLEAN UP A DEAD BODY IN THE MORNING! HAPPY!?" Raph felt absolutely drained now. He had shouted everything out with that and now his legs were shaky and his arms burned, wanting the forbidden.
He didn't want to sit, being short and already feeling unintimidating but if he didn't he'd collapse and look like a bitch. So he takes the chance and plops back down on the steps, glaring at the ground with the passion of a thousand suns. No one spoke and Raph almost thought the older man had gone inside.
Minutes creep by like hours and Raph finally calms down. "Who cut your hair?" Yoshi asks calmly, out of the blue. Raph keeps his gaze on the ground, softening. "April." He mumbles. "You could have always asked me if you wanted a hair cut." Yoshi says, his tone growing more caring.
Raph nods, still not looking up. "Sorry." He says, picking at his wrist. "What happened last night?" Yoshi asks him, rubbing his back. "I-I-I don't know... I-I Had a-a weird dream and I just had to- had to get out..." He starts scratching at his wrist after this, knowing full well that Yoshi would pick up on it.
"I am disappointed in you that you would sneak out, especially since we brought you back." Raph's heart drops. "While I understand the need to get out at times, I do believe that there will be punishment." Raph nods and waits for the harsh words to begin again. "No leaving the house for a week other than school. No having anyone over either. And please, if you need to get out tell someone and we can figure something else out."
Raph nods and puts his head in his hands. He wished he had stopped thinking when Yoshi had come out by him but he didn't. He was thinking the whole damn time. He didn't think about this kind of thing often, his parents, but when he did it was hard to stop. He never once told anyone he thought about them, but maybe... Maybe this was different?
Raph opens and closes his mouth a few times, trying to get the words to come out before deciding it wasn't worth it. He subtly shakes his head and just now starts realizing the severe throbbing in his knuckles. "YO! WHY 'R YOU JUST HANGING WITH THE DOOR OPEN?!"
Raph looks up, just in time to see Mikey fling himself onto Raph's body, making him tense up. "RAPH! Where the heck did you go!?" Raph shrugs. "Just hung out with April and Casey." Raph says quietly. "You were with April?" Donnie asks, leaving the house to join the group. Again Raph nods. He was starting to feel a little claustrophobic but at the same time a little better. Leo creeps back outside to join the group, looking a little pale.
"Why? What did you guys do? Where were you guys? What happened to your head?" Donnie says, spouting off questions. "Uh... She cut my hair." Raph says, trying to break out of his mind a little. Donnie crosses his arms and sends a sort of glare at Raph's back, huffing in annoyance. Raph feels Mikey tighten his hug around his neck which pulls him out of his anger fogged state even more.
"Let us go inside my sons." Yoshi says, standing and heading towards the door. Raph sighs and starts to stand up but Mikey doesn't let go, hanging on tightly. "Mikey, what the fuck?" Raph says quietly. Mikey chuckles and holds on tighter, lifting his feet off the ground so he was hanging off Raph. "You're such a dick." Raph says, a small smile growing on his face. He stands all the way up and lugs Mikey inside, wiping a small bit of liquid from his eye with his shoulder.
Raph stands in front of the mirror in the bathroom, his shirt off and his head hung low. It was barely five in the afternoon and he was exhausted. He hadn't had a moment alone since he'd gotten back so he excused himself to go take a shower. Of course he didn't actually shower, letting the water run for twenty minutes before dipping his hair in the stream.
Raph looks up at himself and groans. He knew he was a fucked up mess but hey, the first step to getting better, as they say, is admitting it. He for sure had done that. He shakes his head at himself, knowing how ridiculous he'd sound if he was saying this shit out loud.
He bends down and grabs his shirt, about to put it on until he glances at the old bandages on his shoulder. Slowly he puts his shirt on the counter and takes off the bandages. It wasn't that bad... The lightning bolt shaped scar on his shoulder stood out prominently, dipping into his skin and, as he had assumed before, was discolored slightly.
He prods it gently and frowns. "Fitting." He grumbles to himself, tossing the bandages in the garbage. He throws on his shirt and leaves the bathroom, trudging back downstairs. No more alone time for now, but maybe that was a good thing. He really didn't need to be alone anyways. "Hey Raph?" He looks up, looking tired as fuck. Donnie was standing in front of him, his hands tucked away in his pockets.
"So, uh. Did you and April talk about anything?" Donnie asks nervously. "Not really. She just kinda cut my hair and we all watched a movie. Casey talked to her though." He crosses his arms. "Something about a study date at the park or something. I don't know, I wasn't really listening." Donnie's eyes widen. "A date?" Raph yawns and waves him off. "Sure man, whatever."
He walks into the kitchen and sits at the table. He really didn't know why he was in there, just needed to chill. He takes a breath and drops his chin to the table. It was hard trying to not think about things. Very hard.
Well, I know you lay in bed,
Contemplating your own death.
Well, just look at what you've done.
Don't you dare forget the sun, love!
You look down on me, so casually,
In everything I know.
You look down on me, but not right on me.
Did I wreck this broken home?
Don't you dare forget the sun
Get Scared
Wow... You guys don't even know... I just had to rewrite the whole second half of this chapter. I had it too... Emotional? I mean, sure this isn't much better, but I like it better than how I had it before. I'm so sorry for how long this one took to get out, school is bustin' my ass right now ^^;
Anyways, If I can, I'm going to try and update twice before halloween, but don't know if that'll happen, so if it doesn't then you'll get a random halloween chapter after halloween. XD
Thank you guys so much for reading! I love hearing what you have to say, so go ahead and talk to me!