(1721 Words)
Raph stayed up all night. All night for three nights in a row. Each time he felt himself nodding off He'd hear the door he was guarding creak open and Mikey plop down beside him. That kept him awake for the rest of the night. That and the fact that he couldn't stop thinking about some not-so-helpful actions he could be taking. School had been taking a toll on him, being unable to sleep and then the stress of being unable to focus just wasn't good.
Seeing April in the halls every day wasn't helping either. He'd pass her, she'd mostly ignore him, and then he'd be off to class just in time for Casey to rant to him about how he'd 'pummel the dick' who broke in at April's. Raph would sit and listen, go home, forget to do his homework, and then stay up all night just to start all over in the morning.
The fourth night he gave in. He sat down outside the door at his usual post, not ten minutes go by when he falls asleep. He's only half woken up when he hears the door open. "Oh-..." Someone says before the door closes again. It takes him a while but Raph wakes himself up enough to realize he had been asleep and Mikey had come out of the room as usual to find his guardian unavailable.
"Ugh- So stupid!" He whispers to himself. He pushes himself up and wobbles to his feet, wandering to the kitchen almost absentmindedly. He didn't think he was thinking about it, but when he realized he had made his way over to the kitchen knives he realized it was all he was thinking about. He knows what he should do. He should back away, go to his room and go to sleep. He should wake someone up and ask them to keep him accountable.
What he does is very different from that. He slowly reaches out, taking one of the smaller, sharper blades, and looks it over. No rust, not too dull, pristinely clean thanks to it being Donnie's turn to wash the dishes. He quickly turns, his actions now fast and choppy, and walks swiftly and quietly to the bathroom, nudging the door mostly closed. He leaves the light off and huffs a few breaths, suddenly having all the air escape from his lungs.
Staring down at his arms made his feet tingle and his stomach drop. He takes off the bandages and throws them to the floor. He could still see the nasty cut he made still healing. It would hurt more to reopen it. To cut over it, making new and old wounds open up. This was what he wanted right? He couldn't stop thinking about it so it must be what he wants. He lifts the blade to his arm.
Wait-
He couldn't stand it. His stomach was growling so loud and it hurt so bad. Leo lays on his bed, Mikey laying partially beside him, partially on top of him, sawing logs like a pro. He didn't want to wake his little brother, but he also needed to get up before his stomach seemingly ate itself alive. Carefully Leo pulls his arm out from under Mikey's sleeping form and shifts himself in such a way as to not wake him but also to be completely free from his grasp.
At some point in the night Mikey had made his way into Leo's bed, assuming the elder was asleep. In fact, Leo hadn't slept well since the incident with Bradford. How could he have not known his brother was in trouble? Why couldn't he have stopped it? Why didn't he just- Leo shakes the thoughts from his head. Right now the only thing he wanted on his mind was food.
Leo swiftly moves down the short hall, past the bathroom and into the kitchen. He was so hungry. He just needed a bite. He opens the fridge and light floods into the room. It's such a bright contrast to the darkness of the apartment that Leo has to close his eyes to get used to it. After a few moments he squints them open, peering in. There wasn't much left, just a couple slices of leftover pizza, some cold Raman, random things like a package of ham and a bag of cheese, and condiments.
Leo grabs a slice of pizza. As he holds it to his mouth his stomach growls angrily. "Just a bite." He murmurs to himself. Slowly, he takes a bite. Then another, and another, and another. Soon he's scarfing down the second piece, and slurping the cold Raman, and ripping open the small sandwich sized package of ham. All of it he consumed, only taking a few minutes for all of it to be gone.
Suddenly he stops, realizing what he had just done. He'd eaten way more than he wanted to and his stomach didn't like it. It felt weird after some time to have his stomach full. It was churning and turning. He felt dizzy and sick. Without thinking he gets up and, doubled over, makes his way to the bathroom. He was not going to have all that food inside of him. It was a mistake and he needed to fix it.
He pushes the bathroom door open and flicks on the light. Suddenly his focus wasn't on his stomach anymore. Raph, bandages on the floor and hair ragged, stood in the bathroom, knife pressed lightly to his skin. His glance didn't eve shift when Leo entered the room. It stayed down as if glued in place. His arms were shaking and the knife bounced slightly as his whole body begins to tremble.
It was like he wanted to look up and change what was happening but he couldn't. Leo, one arm still wrapped around his stomach, snatches the knife out of the angst ridden boy's hand. It took more effort then he thought it would. "-The hell are you doing?!" Leo whisper shouts. "Uh- I- Uh- Um..." Was all Raph managed. Leo scans for any new wounds or blood or anything indicating Raph had done anything to himself but finds nothing.
"Put those back on." He points to the floor bandages and Raph doesn't budge. Leo rolls his eyes and grabs them, handing them out to Raph. "You'd better put them back on because we sure as hell know you don't need them off." Raph picks them up and throws them in the garbage, crossing his arms over his chest. The cuts were mostly healed anyways. Leo sighs. "Whatever."
"What are you even doing awake?" Raph mumbles. Leo freezes. "I was... Getting a snack." He folds his arm, matching Raph's stance. "Doesn't matter anyways." He takes his foster brother's hand and takes him to the living-room, plopping him down on the couch. Leo knew he couldn't leave now. He couldn't leave Raph alone and even if he could, If he threw up now Raph would hear for sure.
Leo sits on the couch, a cushion or so away from the other, and turns on the tv. He didn't care what was playing, he just wanted some noise. Now both brothers sit in silence, wishing the other hadn't been awake to stop them but deep down, very deep down, feeling the slightest bit grateful. Not knowing why, Leo speaks up in a small voice. "I'm sorry Raph." Raph furrows his brow.
"For what." He says, more of an angry statement than a question. Leo sighs. "For me, for Karai, for that night and what happened." Leo takes a deep breath. "I'm sorry because if I hadn't- If I wasn't such a jerk the school would've never been shot up and you would've never been trapped inside. I'm sorry because if you never left you wouldn't want to cut yourself right now, I'm sorry because when you left I hurt Donnie and Mikey, I'm sorry because I can't fucking eat without wanting to throw up, I'm sorry that I never trusted you at the start, I'm sorry that-"
Leo stops when he feels Raph's scarred arms wrap around him. It only lasted for a couple seconds and only after it was done did Leo realize his face was wet with angry tears. "Shut the fuck up." Raph says. He never wanted to hear about most of what Leo brought up again, but he needed to. "I don't give a shit anymore. I don't care that you ended up being a lying bastard, I don't care that you bitch of a girlfriend came onto me, I don't care that I keep getting thrown around. I just don't- I don't want it to happen again."
Leo closes his eyes. "Well I'm never getting back with Karai, so that's not gonna happen again hopefully..." Raph pulls his bare feet onto the couch and folds his arms on top of his knees, head sunk low. "I'm... trying... I hope that's enough." Raph says. He glances over at Leo who was either asleep or close to it. He puts his forehead on his arms, hiding his face completely, and closes his eyes.
I think I need help
Cause I'm drowning in myself
It's sinking in, I can't pretend
That I ain't been through hell
I think I need help
I'm drowning in myself
They're preying on my weakness
Believe it
I'm thinking to myself "No not again"
And I won't keep listening
When temptation's creeping in
If I wanna make it another day
I've got so much I need to say
"Help"
Papa Roach
I haven't written in quite a while... haha, whopsies~ Sorry this chapter is so short, I needed a shorter one to get back in the grove of things. But get ready for another big story arch because this is just the beginning. ;D