Before even turning the key Edward Grayson could already hear the annoying sound of arguing voices from the inside of his son's apartment on the Upper West Side. He rolled his eyes and sighed when he entered hanging his coat and scarf on a rack. He had expected the baby's arrival to cause a disruption within the family leaving Conrad even more troubled about his feelings for Victoria than before. But he had assumed that once his son saw how happy that newborn made Victoria and Daniel everyone would quickly adapt to the situation and forget that the little girl was not a Grayson by blood. However, Edward had been wrong about all of his assumptions. Instead of being calmed by her feelings of new motherhood, Victoria was being pushed into exhaustion by worrying about her child's health and investing all of her time in the intensive care she needed. And instead of forming a new bond with his wife over the newborn, Conrad rather tended to ignore its existence and engaged in fights with his wife about the future of the family.
"No, Conrad. I am not coming home with you for Christmas to pretend that we're happy family and everything is alright. I am not going to do it this year." In the living room Victoria obviously had lost her temper and screamed at her husband who answered her in an equally loud and angry voice.
"Victoria, it is your obligation as my wife and Daniel's mother to come home! That is my last word. So grab your bag and we'll leave." The next thing Edward heard was the shattering sound of glass breaking and his son swearing.
"Are you insane?! That was my grandmother's vase! My mother gave it to us for our wedding."
"Even better!" Victoria hissed sounding very satisfied with herself. "You don't get to touch me nor do you have any saying over what I have to do or not. My daughter needs me so I'm not going anyway just to be clear. And once all of this is over, I will get a divorce. You may threaten me now, but you won't have anything against me when we're through this mess. We have a prenup and I'll get everything that I want to have for me and my children."
Stopping on his way to the living room Edward Grayson almost hit his fist against the wall. He had always known that Victoria was no match for his son. She was stronger than him and significantly smarter. Conrad had no control over her and didn't know a thing about how to handle her. Edward adored her, but he also feared that she and Conrad would scandalize the Grayson family name irrevocably.
"What is going on?" Quickly Edward rushed into the room before his son could say something stupid and make the situation even worse. The illuminated Christmas Tree they had put up for Daniel's sake was the only thing that brought at least some Christmas Spirit to the Grayson family.
Victoria and Conrad faced him both being out of breath by their fight which had apparently been going on for some time. They stood opposite to one another looking ready to be at each other's throats while the shattered glass of the antique vase lay between them.
"I'm trying to talk some sense into my lunatic wife, if you must know." Conrad spat out haughtily disapproving of his father intruding into their marital life more and more often.
When he saw Victoria opening her mouth, Edward interfered. He wanted to end that fight, not fuel it. "It doesn't look like you're any successful- but we're used to that, so just do us all a favor and join your mother and Daniel in the car."
"Trust me, Victoria. This is not over." Conrad then hissed and being dismissed like a little kid he stormed out of the room in his black Armani suit hating his father for ridiculing him in front of his own wife.
With an angry grunt Victoria let herself sink onto the brown leather sofa feeling her scar hurt from all of the screaming. She had barely slept during the last 11 days after her daughter's early arrival wanting to be by her side all the time. Therefore her time with Daniel had become scarce and it broke her heart to leave her son with his grandparents, but she had no choice. She couldn't go home without her daughter, it was not an option. Either way she would do injustice to one of her children and although she hated herself for doing it, she had to choose Daniel for that part.
"I've made my decision, Edward, so don't even try to convince me otherwise." She explained when Edward took the seat next to her. "And I'm serious about that divorce. I will get it eventually." With cold eyes she stared at her father-in-law.
"I respect your decision, Victoria." Edward said seriously when he watched his outraged daughter in-law finally breathing regularly again in her black wool dress and the red silk scarf elegantly wrapped around her neck. "And I don't blame you. I know that my son is an idiot."
"He is more than just that. I could tolerate living with that idiot for the last seven years, but I cannot spend another second with a criminal who almost killed me and my daughter." Recalling Conrad's despicable actions almost made her lose her temper again. If he only knew what was coming to him. She would make sure he would rot in that prison cell for the rest day of his life. After her child had almost died because of what Conrad had done, Victoria had lost her patience completely. No matter what a life with the Grayson name provided for her, she would rather live an average life with her children than to be part of that crooked family any longer.
"I understand that." Edward saw the hatred burning in Victoria's dark brown eyes. It was the same fire he had seen in them the first time Conrad had introduced her to the family. He remembered the flame fueling her determination to become part of the Grayson family from all those years ago. He had been well aware that the marriage was her ticket to a life in wealth and power and he had admired her for what she had achieved. But Edward had also known that she was a potential threat to the family name, so he as the family patriarch had taken responsibility for making the Grayson family rules and obligations known to her.
Holding the door to the study in Grayson Manor, Edward Grayson appreciated the vision of the young woman with waving brown hair and a body-hugging white Carolina Herrera dress with floral applications which her wealthy fiancée must have bought for her. She looked simply stunning. Conrad definitely showed taste in women choosing her as his mistress and now intending to make her part of the family. The whole evening Edward and his wife had spent meeting Victoria as their son's fiancée, she had been sweet and polite even swallowing Eleanor's hideous comments about her pregnancy being fake. She made no secret about the fact that she did not approve of Victoria becoming the new Mrs Grayson and as a consequence her son divorcing Stevie. But Victoria had kept on smiling with her pretty mouth and her deep brown eyes never even flinching when Eleanor lashed out at her. Quite the contrary, she had looked confident already wearing the opulent diamond ring on her finger and taking Conrad's hand on the table. She knew what she wanted. Besides her beauty, Edward also had to give her points for appearance and steadfastness. His instincts told him that Victoria Harper definitely was Grayson material, still he had to make sure that she knew about what it really meant to be part of the family – including the ups and downs of a very public life.
He could tell that in contrast to their time in the restaurant, she now felt extremely uncomfortable being summoned by her fiancée's father for a private talk.
"Please sit, Victoria." Edward said pointing to the chair on the opposite side of the desk. Adjusting her dress and nervously tucking her raven hair behind her ears, the young woman obeyed.
"Mr Grayson, I apologize if I did something wrong this evening." Victoria sat on the edge of the chair fluttering her long lashes at her hopefully soon-to-be father-in-law.
"It's Edward. And don't worry, there is no need to apologize." Pouring himself a drink, he raised an eyebrow at her. "I'd offer you something. I hope it's okay for you."
"Yes, of course." Victoria answered quickly feeling her hands getting sweaty since she had no idea why Edward Grayson had specifically requested to talk to her alone.
"I must say that this was a rather interesting evening." Skeptically he eyed the young woman. "I have always passed on my father's advice to Conrad: Never marry your mistress."
Seeing the shock appear in Victoria's face almost made Edward feel sorry for her. He could see her brain desperately searching for a possible answer while sweat began to form on her forehead.
"But we definitely have to make an exception in your case." Now Edward began to smile and leant back in his chair. "Hey, start breathing again." The older man chuckled when he saw how Victoria still seemed to be paralyzed not getting his joke. "It's a compliment, I didn't want to disturb you."
"Oh, I'm… sorry." Victoria finally breathed out in relief processing that Edward had simply made a joke.
"Stop apologizing. It was a very pleasant evening. Except for my wife's inacceptable hostile behavior. It's me who has to apologize for that." Edward locked eyes with the brunette who could return his smile after all. "I'll give Conrad my blessing for your marriage as soon as we're done talking."
"I don't know what to say." Victoria was more than just relieved. She had feared meeting Conrad's parents ever since he had proposed to her being led on by her admittedly fake pregnancy. And although his mother obviously despised her personally and tried very hard to unveil her scheme, his father seemed to be drawn in by her. "Thank you so much. You don't know how happy I am."
"Oh, I can imagine." Edward smirked noticing the flame of determination in the young woman's eyes. "I'm very happy, too. For once in his life my son has made a good decision." Edward had never really liked Stevie, but had neither disapproved of her. Eleanor had picked her from a prestigious family and had always been quite fond of her, even having her back during the latest family crisis, in which Stevie had become an alcoholic and her marriage to Conrad slowly started falling apart. If it was for Edward to decide, he would say that his son meeting Victoria was the best thing that had happened to the family in a long time. The cherry on top was the fact that she would also secure the Grayson heritage carrying Conrad's child. He would make Eleanor accept that sooner or later.
"Well, thank you." Regaining her composure Victoria almost blushed.
"You're probably wondering why I've requested to talk to you alone." Edward then began explaining in a more serious tone. "I think you understand that marrying into the Grayson family means that you have to hold up a certain standard of family values, public image and fulfill your duties as the new Mrs Grayson."
"Yes, I do understand." Victoria nodded being eager to hear what Edward had to say. Ever since she had begun to carry out her plan of trapping Conrad into marrying her finally achieving her goal of living a life in wealth and safety, she had tortured herself with moral questions about her behavior. She wondered if she had become just like her mother – always chasing a husband to make her life better instead of taking initiative herself. By no means wanted she to be like the woman she hated most in this world, but she could not deny that she picked up some patterns of finding her way through life from her. Still, Conrad was not at all like the men her mother had brought into their home. He was a good man, he cared about her and he would never hurt her because he truly loved her, she was sure of that. And soon, she swore to herself, she would be able to love him back.
"Well, first of all and most importantly, you have to stand by the Grayson family, no matter what is happening." Edward began talking focusing on Victoria's face. "Trust me, we've already survived many crisis by sticking together as a family. You and Conrad are the only ones to secure the Grayson's good name and influence. One day, you will be the matriarch of one of the most influential and wealthiest families in the US, you have to be aware of that at all times. You cannot afford to step out that role just because you feel under pressure or your husband is annoying you. You have high expectancies to fulfill and not succeeding is not an option. It will be your job to host events to present to the world our means and status and to enlarge the Grayson's network all over the world, you will have to comfort your husband when he's stressed, you will loyally stand by his side no matter what the circumstances are and you will raise your hopefully many children with our family values. This marriage comes with a lot of power you will have to use wisely, but it also comes with many obligations possibly forcing you to compromise your own happiness for the family's sake. Considering that are you, Victoria Harper, still sure you want to marry my son?"
Feeling like these were the pre-wedding vows she had to make, Victoria met Edward's sincere gaze and replied confidently: "Nothing would give me more pleasure. I promise, I will never disappoint you."
That smile on her full red lips and the sparkle in her eyes, was enough confirmation for Edward to offer Victoria his hand. "Good. Then I'm happy to officially welcome you to the Grayson family."
The smile of the young woman striving for a better life had long faded from Victoria's lips. What Edward was now seeing on her face was a mixture of resentment, hatred and pain, her eyes blurred by the medication she was taking.
"Victoria." Carefully he took her hand causing her to flinch but she didn't pull away from his touch. "I'm sure you remember the first private talk we had together."
"You mean that crap you were telling me as if I was entering some cult?" Seeing where he was going, Victoria then crossed her arms in front of her chest giving Edward a knowing look.
"I like to call it family traditions." Edward answered not wanting to fight with her. "See, I've always considered you my daughter since then especially because you have no father. And I simply cannot have my daughter abandon her family. I see how much pain it will cause everyone and you're denying your daughter the chance to have a father. Don't you want her to have that?"
So he was playing the "You know how it feels to have no father"-card on her. She was not stupid and it wouldn't work on her.
"What I want for my daughter to have, no for both of my children actually, is to grow up free from all of your rules and the constraints and your endless talk about the family name. Let the children be children for once. That is something I would have liked to experience growing up – and it doesn't require having a father in your life." Outraged Victoria jumped up from the sofa and grabbed her bag. "I'm sorry, Edward, but you can keep your family traditions to yourself. After the trial is over, I will rid myself of the Grayson name and everything that comes with it. You can be sure of that." Turning around to leave, Edward shouted after her finally losing his patience. Not many people dared to walk out on him.
"I have expected more from you and have to say I'm rather disappointed. You're out of my good graces so don't expect you will receive anything from us when you file for that divorce."
If you only knew… Slamming the apartment's door shut behind her, Victoria felt extremely relieved for cutting her ties to Edward. She had always felt like she owed something to him because she had made that stupid promise to him and he had always defended her against Eleanor and Conrad like he was her father. But now after telling him her opinion, she felt liberated and even more ready to destroy him in court along with the rest of the family. She already had enough demons from her past haunting her. The Graysons didn't need to become part of them.
With trembling hands David stared at the red envelope Nolan had given to him on that December 25. He sat on the edge of the mattress in his cell not even feeling sorry for himself for having to spend Christmas in prison, but he felt deeply sorry for Amanda, for his daughter who had to celebrate the vacation they both loved so much on her own - if she was celebrating it at all. David had almost forgotten that it was Christmas already – or maybe it was simply denial – until Nolan had visited him with the ridiculous Christmas tree sweater and wearing Santa Claus' hat. When he had left he had told him that he would spend the holidays with his aunt Carole so at least he was not alone. Before saying goodbye he had given David the red envelope and he had immediately recognized his daughter's handwriting on it. "Merry Christmas, Dad" Amanda had written on it and drawn a little Christmas tree in one corner. David had felt the stinging pain his chest again when he thought about his daughter and how much he missed her. Nolan said he should wait to open until he was by himself so that was what David had done. Now he lovingly traced the lines of the letters his daughter had so accurately written on the piece of paper. He didn't know why but he was afraid of what would be inside of that envelope. What did his daughter have to say to him after more than 3 months of separation? Was she angry at him? Did she know the truth or did she believe those lies about him being spread? It was his worst fear that his own daughter hated him. He wouldn't be able to live with that. On top of that he had also endured the worst moment of his time in prison when he had learnt that his child – his second daughter as he had discovered - had been born but declared the child of Conrad Grayson. Of course, David was relieved that she was alright although she had been born prematurely, but to think about Conrad priding himself with being her father nauseated him. He sighed heavily turning the envelope in his hand to finally open it. He simply couldn't take another disappointment, another punch in the stomach. With a heavy heart David opened the letter which he knew had already been checked by the prison beforehand to make sure he wasn't receiving anything illegal. Reading the first lines, David's heart immediately got lighter again.
Dear Dad,
I wish you a Merry Christmas! I'm sorry that we can't celebrate our favorite holiday together and hope that you don't feel too alone. I really hope that next Christmas will be better and we can be together again.
It's been so long since I spoke to you, but I keep on repeating all the stories we used to make up together in my head, so it feels like you're with me. I wish I could talk to you and see you again but I know that it's not possible. I miss you so much, Dad and I know that you're not a bad person. I had to learn that the world can be very unfair and there are many mean people who do unfair things to us. Like when they brought me to that strange hospital or put you in prison. But I believe that it will be proven that you don't belong there because you're innocent and you're my Dad and I really need you in my life.
I also want to tell you that you don't have to worry about me because Victoria takes good care of me. Can you believe that I live in that castle now like we used to say? And it's horrible there. I hate it. I just want to go back to our beach house with you. But I know that Victoria hates it there too so it's okay. She is a very nice person and I'm sorry if I said mean things about her or didn't like that you like her. She is not home at the moment because she had to be in the hospital with her new daughter, but I will be there with her to celebrate Christmas.
We think of you all the time, Dad, and I will stay strong until you'll be released. I hope that this day will come very soon.
I love you infinity times infinity,
Amanda
P.S.: I wanted to send you some chocolate too, but Victoria said the prison probably wouldn't allow that. I'm sorry.
Referring to what they always used to say, Amanda had drawn the double infinity sign next to her name. "I miss you, too, Amanda." David stared at the letter in his hands while his eyes became watery and his chest tightened after reading his daughter's words. He closed his eyes lowering his head and felt a tear slip onto his cheek when the pain caused by the separation form his daughter and the injustice that was did to both of them stroke his body. Over the course of the last few weeks he had learnt to numb himself to the feeling of loneliness and anger at the people who had betrayed him. Thinking about that every second of the time he spent alone in his cell, had left him exhausted and pushed him to the edge of depression. It was not a good starting point for the next day of trial. He needed to be strong and self-assured, that's why he had decided to shut his emotions off for the time being. But reading Amanda's letter made him feel the loss he suffered all the more. Plus, he also had to torture his mind with questions about Victoria's loyalty to him again. He was glad to hear that Amanda had obviously warmed up to her, but he didn't understand why Victoria wouldn't tell her the truth about her child, that it was Amanda's sister. The Graysons were particularly private about the birth of the newest family member reducing the communication to the public to the assurance of health of mother and daughter. They didn't reveal a name nor an official photo, maybe that was why Victoria didn't like to confide about the child's true paternity in Amanda, or it was Conrad who had forced his will upon her.
The matter left David wondering about how much of the truth Victoria actually revealed to Amanda. Ever since he had found out that he had become father of a second daughter, he had pictured the child in his head. He had begun to imagine how she would look and if she had the same features as Victoria or if she resembled him more. The picture that kept popping up in his head repeatedly was that of Victoria in the hospital with an exhausted but happy look on her face holding their sleeping newborn in her arms. He liked to pretend that the photo was real and that he had taken it after being with her for the birth. But as soon as he remembered that it was only his fantasy, that he would never have the experience of supporting her during the last months of the pregnancy, driving her to the hospital and holding her hand when she was giving birth, sharing the feelings of becoming parents together, he tried to push it away. It only hurt him.
When he folded Amanda's letter wanting to keep it safe in the envelope to read it again some time later, David noticed that there was something else inside of the envelope. Wondering what he might have overlooked, David discovered that it was in fact a photograph, a photograph of a tiny infant lying inside of an incubator. His eyes widened at the sight of the helpless child attached to a number of machines and tubes and he knew it could only mean one thing. It was his daughter. His heart skipped a beat at the surprise. He took in every little feature of his daughter, her small arms and her legs, her head which seemed so large in contrast to the rest of her body. She was so beautiful. David had to hold back the tears once more. Fiddling with the photo, he found out that there was something written on the back of it:
Charlotte Elizabeth
December 13, 1993 – 3:57 a.m. - 2.867 lbs.
It was undoubtedly Victoria's elegant handwriting, he recognized that from all of the secret letters and notes she had left for him in his office or at home during their affair. He was so upheld by the fact that he was reading a personal message from Victoria, that he only slowly realized the meaning behind the words she had written. It was a name, their daughter's name. It was also his aunt's name and his mother's name. David's brain was processing the information letter for letter. So, he finally came to the conclusion, Victoria had named their child after Aunt Charlotte and his mother Elizabeth. It was the strongest message she could have sent to him and it touched him deeply. Both of the most important women during his time growing up would be remembered forever because of Victoria's decision. Exhaling in astonishment David felt a warmth growing inside of him. So Victoria did not deny his paternity of the child, but rather embraced it.
"Charlotte Elizabeth." David whispered softly and smiled at the picture of his sleeping daughter. With her eyes closed she already looked as angelic as her mother when she was asleep. It had always been one of his favorite visions of Victoria, seeing her sleep in his bed or on the couch curled up in his arms. It was because of how innocent she looked then. Like all of her troubles and the burdens she carried stopped to exist and she could be her pure self. That's what the picture of his preemie daughter reminded him of if it wasn't for all of the medical equipment. With the information Victoria had given him about the pregnancy he had calculated that his daughter must have been born after about seven months which explained her low birth weight. David was beyond grateful that his daughter was alive and apparently healthy. He didn't know about Victoria but he was sure she was fine because she was tough. Nevertheless, he wanted nothing more than to be with her and have her back during this difficult time. With Amanda's letter in one hand and the photo of Charlotte in the other, David figured that he could easily be the luckiest man on earth. He had two incredible daughters and the love of his life had agreed to marry him. However, this life David couldn't imagine to be any more perfect was kept from hit at arm's length from him because he had messed with the wrong people. On this Christmas Day the possibility of celebrating it as a family seemed to be more realistic than ever. So the Christmas miracle he truly wished for was that all of his problems would simply dissolve into air and he would find himself sitting in the hospital with Amanda and Victoria by his side. It was a naïve idea, but also a fertile source for regaining the power and his will to fight for the life he had waited to lead for so long. It may not be a Christmas miracle, but David would draw the double infinity sign for Amanda in the sand, he would find a sleeping Victoria next to him in his bed again and he would also hold his baby daughter Charlotte in his arms.
It was late in the afternoon on December 26 when Amanda let herself fall onto the second unused hospital bed in Victoria's room. Exhausted she rested her head on the pillow but kept her legs still with her winter boots on dangling beside the bed. Her cheeks were red and glowing from the cold outside and she felt the heat of the room slowly warming up her freezing body. A happy smile sat on the girl's face when she thought about the day she had spent with Victoria having their own little Christmas party.
After putting off her scarf, her hat and her coat Victoria sat down next to Amanda on the bed and smiled happily because the girl obviously had a great day. She was well aware that she was responsible for everything bad that was happening in the girl's life – for separating her form her father, pulling her out of her familiar home and making her live with a family she despised. She felt guilty for causing such trouble to a child who had already endured so much pain in her life losing her mother and now also her father. She only hoped that she could make it up to her sometime giving her the life she deserved making the first step by proving David's innocence. Therefore, seeing her so carefree today strolling through snow-covered Central Park and enjoying the biggest cup of hot chocolate they could find, also soothed her conscience. There had also been sad moments – both of them remembering that David was all alone in a prison cell when he should actually spend the holidays with his family.
"That was quite a day." Victoria pulled Amanda's cap from her head appreciating the girl's wild blonde curls.
"Yeah." Amanda turned around on the bed facing Victoria with her heated face. "It was so much fun. I don't want to go back." Already dreading the moment she would arrive back at Grayson Manor , the girl pouted her lips. The only light she saw at the end of the tunnel was the Graysons' annual family vacation in Aspen. Conrad's parents had insisted on taking it for tradition's sake so that Amanda could stay in the apartment in the city and visit Victoria more often.
"I know." Victoria lay down next to Amanda fearing that she may have overstrained her still weakened body. But in order to spend the day with Amanda it had definitely been worth it. Plus, she really felt like she needed to go outside more often to regain a sense for the world around her when every day in the hospital simply consisted of caring for her daughter and worrying about her condition. To be sure, she wouldn't trade her current life for anything in the world and every time she noticed her daughter gaining weight or moving a little more on her own, she celebrated it as a big triumph. She was incredibly proud of Charlotte for being so strong already fighting for every little step towards a life she could have without the medical equipment supporting her. Still, Victoria also knew that she needed some distraction from time to time and if this distraction also meant putting Amanda's mind off things she appreciated it all the more. "But I promise you that we'll have more adventures like the one we had today once you move to the apartment. I already made sure that Maria will be there with you to take care of you. Doesn't that sound nice?"
"It does." Amanda replied truthfully but her thoughts were drifting off.
"What are you thinking about Amanda? I can see that something is bothering you." Slowly Victoria rose to a sitting position in the bed feeling how the exhaustion seemed to affect every part of her body. But she had no other choice but to keep on fighting when they were so close to freeing David from jail. She had to keep pushing herself to her limits for him and his daughters. She owed that to them.
"It's nothing." Amanda put off her boots and then sat next to Victoria on the bed staring against the white wall of the hospital room. Although she hated the atmosphere and the beeping of the machines everywhere in the ward, she felt comfortable being with Victoria because she knew that no one would disturb them.
"It's not nothing. You know you can tell me." Victoria followed the girl and also put off her shoes to sit more comfortably on the bed. She carefully put an arm around Amanda's shoulder waiting for her reaction. Knowing that their relationship had reached a stage at which she could easily do that, Amanda gladly snuggled up against Victoria's cashmere pullover. If felt good to have something who took care of her.
"Okay." Amanda sighed nervously. "It's just that we talk about Charlotte so often now, that I think about Aunt Charlotte a lot. Everything happened so quickly and I know maybe it's stupid but every time you mention Charlotte, I think about her, Aunt Charlotte I mean. I just miss her so much."
"Nothing about that is stupid, Amanda. Don't think that." She pulled the girl close to her side when she noticed how she began to cry. Obviously that subject had been sitting on her chest for far too long. "I'm sorry if your sisters' name makes you feel uncomfortable. I chose it because I miss your Aunt too."
"I know." The 9-year-old sobbed being relieved that she could finally talk about her fear to someone. "I just feel like everyone is leaving me and that I'm all alone."
"Oh no, I'm so sorry, Amanda." Victoria found herself lacking the right words when she witnessed the girl being in so much emotional pain. Her body was shaking from the tears that seemed to come directly from her soul. Gently Victoria began rocking Amanda in her arms caressing her head which was buried in her chest. She tried her best to make her feel like she was not alone like she wished someone had done for her when she had been a child herself. Every time she had cried her mother had yelled at her telling her to stop because it made her look ugly or she threatened to spank her. It had made her learn very early in her life not to display emotion in front of anyone and instead cry silently by herself which made her feel even more alone and abandoned. Therefore she understood the lonely feeling David's daughter was experiencing and wanted nothing more than to make it go away, to prove the contrary. She didn't want Amanda to have the same never healing wounds Victoria still carried from her warped up childhood.
"I understand what you're going through." Victoria said in a soothing tone deciding to share some very old memories in order to connect with Amanda and show her that she was not alone at all. "When I was your age I lost someone whom I loved very much, too."
After struggling to find her voice again, the blonde girl looked up into Victoria's face with burning eyes from all the tears she had shed. "You did?" She sobbed and Victoria nodded her head. "Who was it? Your parents? You never talk about them just like my Dad and I know that his parents died."
"No." Victoria shook her head being taken aback for a second by the girl's words. She was always so attentive and connected information extremely quickly. "It was my abuela."
"What does that mean?" Amanda wanted to know curiously. Her eyes began to get that glow again like they did every time her attention was caught by something.
"It's Spanish and it means grandmother." Lovingly she wiped Amanda's tears away with the pad of her thumb and noticed how her story obviously distracted her. "I loved her very much, more than my own mother actually. I used to spend every summer at her house when I was a child until she died when I was 9." The older woman almost had to chuckle when she realized that the first person she told about that part of her childhood in so many years, was a 9-year-old girl.
"But why did she have a Spanish name?" Amanda wondered and wrinkled her forehead.
"Well, because she came to New York from Puerto Rico with my mother and her sister. So that's why…"
"Oh, I know where that is!" The girl interrupted Victoria and proudly announced: "It's in the Caribbean right?"
"Yes, that's correct." The brunette smiled asking herself if she had ever intended to tell her children about their family's heritage. Now she knew that she would definitely do that because it felt really relieving. "I still remember that after she passed away, I locked myself in my room and didn't come out in days. I was so upset because just like you I felt like everyone was leaving me. I didn't have a father and I hated my mother, so my abuela was the only person who really cared for me. So when she was gone, I was completely alone in this world."
Watching her eyes turn an even darker shade of brown than usual, Amanda listened to Victoria's words. The older woman's eyes gazed off somewhere in the far distance while she furrowed her brows reminiscing the memories from her past. "I was with her when she died in the hospital." Lost in thoughts Victoria recalled the moment from so many years ago.
With a racing heart 9-year-old Victoria Harper was being pushed into the hospital room by her impatient mother. She had woken her up early on that day to tell her that it was time to say goodbye to her grandmother. Victoria was not stupid, she knew what that meant. Her grandmother would die today. After being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in an advanced stage only two months ago Camila had only agreed to get treatment in the hospital for her daughter Karla's sake who had insisted she did everything possible to be cured. Her other daughter Marion however had barely even cared to visit her. She had fought very hard, but she was well aware that it had been a fight destined to lose right from the beginning. Trying to stay calm, Victoria had carefully picked out her green and white checkered dress for the day which she knew her grandmother liked most on her. On the way into the city she had also braided her hair like her grandmother had taught her. In the meantime her mother had begun smoking in the car which she only did when she was extremely stressed out. Normally she installed in her daughter that it was bad for her skin and would make her look old very early, but sometimes Marion made an exception from that rule. Arriving in the hospital Victoria lowered her head when they passed her aunt Karla, her husband Alejandro and her two cousins Eva and Paola. She heard her aunt's hysterical sobs and her uncle trying to comfort her in Spanish. Although she wanted nothing more than to join them and let her feelings show, she needed to be strong for her abuela one last time.
Entering the room, the 9-year-old slowly approached her grandmother lying in the hospital bed. She had to swallow the lump in her throat when she saw her attached to medical equipment with an oxygen tube in her nose. She was only a shell of the usually vibrant and passionate woman she knew as her grandmother. Her skin had turned to a shade of yellow and her head gone bold from chemo therapy. In contrast to her strangely calm daughter, Marion stayed a few feet behind her almost not bearing to look at her dying mother.
"Victoria." Camila opened her eyes and tried to smile at the sight of her granddaughter.
"Hello, abuela." The girl returning the smile with her dimples showing. She took her grandmother's hands looking into her warm brown eyes she was sure she would remember for the rest of her life because they had been the only source of a feeling of being loved she had ever experienced.
After a moment of silence between the two females both of them knowing that it would be the last they would ever be able to share, Camila began to speak with a fading voice. "Princesa." It had always been her nickname for her first granddaughter since she had entered this world. With Marion as her mother whom she had to talk into not terminating the pregnancy in the first place, Camila knew the child wouldn't have it easy so she wanted her to make her feel special whenever she was with her.
"Yes." Victoria had to swallow again squeezing her grandmother's hands tighter. The heavy Spanish accent in her grandmother's voice always made her feel at home.
"You have become a very strong girl. I am so proud of you." She tried patting the child's hands but didn't have the strength to do that anymore. "It think its's time…" Her voice began breaking away and Victoria leant closer to her while her eyes became watery.
"You can't leave me." She had tried so hard to keep her composure, but in that moment the 9-year-old began to cry bitterly. "It's unfair, you can't go, abuela. I need you."
Normally, Marion didn't tolerate Victoria pleading like that especially if it was about the close bond she had allowed her to form with her grandmother. But in that situation even Marion couldn't utter a single word out of respect.
"Shhh." Camila soothed her. "That is not true. You don't need me anymore, you are a big girl, I know that. You're not my princesa anymore."
"But…" Tears streaming down her face Victoria couldn't believe what she was hearing. Her grandmother was the only person in this world who truly cared about her. She didn't know how she could survive without her- without her comforting words when her mother had made her feel like she was undeserving of any kind of love once again, without her infectious laughter ringing in her ear, without the life lessons she never failed to install in her.
"You are my Reina now." She smiled at her weakly once more. "You are strong and you are brave and I passed everything you need to know on to you. And one day, you will be this gorgeous woman and you can do the same to your own daughter and she will be your princesa."
"I will, abuela, I promise" Victoria sobbed burying her head in her grandmother's chest. She had spent enough time with her younger cousins reading Spanish children's books to know that her grandmother had called her Queen. "I love you so much."
"Hm." Contently Camila closed her eyes at the child's words with a light smile on her lips. Immediately Marion's hand flew to her mouth when she saw her daughter sobbing over her now gone grandmother's body. Frozen to the spot she couldn't hold back the tears herself. She had never gotten along with her mother, but the picture in front her even reached her closed off heart and she felt a deep loss.
"No." Victoria cried not feeling her grandmother's chest rising beneath her anymore.
"Come on, Victoria. There's nothing we can do here." Marion wiped the tears from her eyes and spoke with her usual unaffectionate voice again.
"Goodbye, abuela." The girl kissed her grandmother's cheek one last time before her mother took her arm and escorted her out of the room when two nurses came rushing to the old woman's bed. Outside she saw her aunt and uncle and their children holding each other's hands and praying.
"Mother…" She wanted to stop her mother to join them but Marion kept pushing her forward.
"We need to get going." She said with a cold voice and except for Camila's funeral she had never seen that part of her family again.
Attentively Amanda had listened to the older woman's story not sure if she was really telling it to her or rather to herself.
"I'm sorry, Victoria." The girl managed to say although she was insecure about how to handle the situation when Victoria seemed to snap back to reality.
"Amanda, I…" She stammered shaking her head confused that she had told the girl the whole story. "I didn't mean to disturb you or anything. I actually wanted to tell you that you don't have to fear being alone because I'm here for you and we will make sure your father is going to be free but I guess I terribly failed at that."
"No, it's okay." Amanda smiled and took Victoria's hand. "I'm here for you, too."
"That's very sweet of you." Being on the verge of breaking into tears once more, Victoria quickly changed the subject. "And I think that it's finally time for you to meet your sister and show her that she is not alone either."
"You think I can?" Amanda's eyes immediately lit up at the suggestion.
"Of course, you are her sister." Not caring about the hospital policy Victoria wanted to introduce Amanda to Charlotte. They were family after all and Victoria didn't want them to deny the chance to grow a sisterly bond early on.
"She is so tiny." Amanda whispered completely in awe of her baby sister after Victoria had explained to her that she didn't need to worry about the medical equipment while they were standing in front of the incubator. "Is she sleeping?"
"I think she is." Victoria said being relieved that Amanda could finally meet the baby. She didn't like to treat her unfairly in contrast to Daniel. "But I have only seen her this morning so I think it's okay if we wake her and say hello." Taking the seat next to the incubator Victoria opened it and carefully caressed her baby's belly causing the child to slowly open her eyes. She had grown more confident and secure when being with the preemie and wasn't afraid to break her anymore. When the nurses had first suggested that she could change the baby's diapers herself Victoria had been struck by a panic attack being worried that she might hurt the child. But after a few times learning how to do it correctly, she had begun to enjoy spending time with her daughter without the constant observation by someone.
"Hey, princesa." Victoria said without hesitation after having recalled her grandmother's last words to her after all those years. "Someone is with me today to meet you."
Amanda stepped closer to Victoria's side noticing how the little girl seemed to fight the tubes attached to her body.
"Hello, Charlotte." She looked at Victoria for confirmation who smiled at her reassuringly. "I'm your sister. I just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas." In that moment the child began to cry with her weak voice. "Oh, no, I didn't mean that." Amanda felt guilty for upsetting her sister.
"No, don't worry, Amanda." Victoria assured her longing to take her daughter out of the incubator to soothe her but she knew it was too early. "It's actually good that she cries. It shows that she is getting stronger. It's a positive sign."
"Oh, okay." The 9-year-old uttered suddenly feeling overwhelmed by the new situation.
"Tell her about our present." Victoria encouraged her while she kept caressing her child.
"Well, Charlotte." The girl felt strange talking to a crying baby as if she could understand her but Victoria felt very sure about the issue. "I think you don't know what Christmas is about, yet, but it's a tradition that you give other people presents and spend time with your family. But our Dad he cannot be with us this year so we, Victoria, uhm your mom and I, sent him a present." Not sure if her words were the reason for it or rather that crying seemed to exhaust her, Charlotte stopped. "And in that present we also sent him a picture of you because he cannot visit you. But now he knows how you look and that you're fine and I think it makes him very happy." Now Charlotte's small eyes began focusing on Amanda and she sensed a first connection to her sister.
"Listen to your big sister, she'll always look out for you so you'll never be alone." Victoria announced proudly looking at the 9-year-old.
"Yes, I will." Amanda smiled. "I promise, Charlotte."
"She is so lucky to have you as her sister." The brunette pulled her into a hug pressing a kiss to her cheek. "Thank you, Amanda. I know it's not easy. But you are a strong girl. The strongest I have ever known.
"And you know what you're talking about." Amanda returned the smile hugging Victoria when she was still moved by the story she had told her about her 9-year-old self losing her grandmother.
"Amanda." Taking advantage of the situation Victoria took the girl's hand into her own and faced her with a sincere look in her eyes. "I want you to know that I never meant any of this to happen. It was never my intention to take your father away from you. I didn't want to destroy your family and I regret everything that has happened this year. But what I don't regret is that I met your father and that we fell in love. So I hope that someday I can explain to you what I did and why I did it so that maybe you'll be able to forgive me."
Surprised by Victoria's revelations, Amanda stared at her irritated. She was right, she had hated her in the beginning fearing that she might drive her father away from her and she also partly blamed her for his imprisonment. But she had long learnt to see Victoria as an ally, and even more than that, she was a person to confide in and to feel comfortable with.
"Thank you for telling me this." The girl said truthfully not feeling afraid to look directly into Victoria's eyes like she had used to. "I didn't like you because I was afraid my dad wouldn't like me anymore now that he had you. It was really strange to see him like that, caring about someone else as much as he cared about me. He had never done that before with anyone so I guess that's why I was so scared and I'm sorry if I was being mean to you. I just wanted to protect him."
"It must have been very confusing, I understand that." Victoria cupped the 9-year-old's face with her hands.
"But now I see that he actually was so happy then and all that I want is for him to be here with us, with you and me and Charlotte and also Daniel although he really gets on my nerves sometimes and eats all of my sweets, but he is also part of…" For a moment she hesitated and reflected about what she was about to say.
"Our family?" Victoria smiled when she finished the girl's sentence and nodded. "I want nothing more than that, too, Amanda. I want us to be a family. And by the end of next month, I promise you, your father will be sitting here with us." She pressed a kiss onto her forehead and repeated the words as if she still had to convince herself of the meaning behind them. "I promise, we will be a family."
I'm sorry for making you wait for almost a month, but I hope the new chapter was worth the wait. Obviously I enjoy writing flashbacks, I hope it was alright for you. I just felt like I needed to share those moments that have been sitting in my head for so long with you.
Your reviews always cheer me up, so please keep them coming, they also help me to improve my writing. :)