A/N: Hey guys, here's a chapter. I'm going to stop making excuses for myself and my writing, and I'm just going to finish writing this story for me. If you have been following me along this entire journey, then I would like to thank you for even glancing towards this fic. I was originally planning on writing more related fics, but I don't want to make you guys sit and wait forever for me to get my life together. If you have stumbled across this fic and have gotten this far, then thank you as well. If you feel like following my stories, I can promise I'll do my best to make them worth the wait, but I can't promise they'll be on a tight schedule for you. I need to write these for me, and not necessarily anyone else. So thanks guys, once more for being on this journey with me, and I just hope that you keep reading and enjoying it. If you want to review I would love that, but it's not needed unless you actually want to. I love all of you readers so much, you give me the strength to keep writing. - Piper.
"Well… um… I guess, I don't remember why I started. I just wanted to show how broken I am. Like inside I feel worthless and ruined and like a failure, but on the outside it seemed like everything was together. I wanted to be able to show people that I was broken, and that I needed help. Of course, no one noticed… I guess I never tried asking for help, but I just got in too deep. It was the only thing I could control in my life after everything happened with my brother, and now I'm here. It's um… it's the only thing that calms me down when I'm freaking out now…" I trailed off, not sure about everything I was saying.
"Oh," was the only thing I heard as I picked up the plate of food, making my way to begin eating.
"You had said before that you had done all of that before, but not for awhile. Why did it happen again?" Rose continued with another question.
I thought for a moment, swallowing hard, "I guess I had been able to calm down easier until everything happened again. And I couldn't calm down any other way."
We sat in silence for a couple minutes, me eating and her just sitting there. Nothing happened other than the awkward silence, but instead of seeming awkward to us, it was relaxing. I had finally told her everything, for once I was an open book to someone, someone knew everything about me. I made me feel calm, calmer than I had felt earlier when I had hurt myself again.
"Why are you asking me all of this right now?" I asked her softly, a little worried.
"I'm not sure if I have it all together anymore."
I looked at my friend, feeling selfish at first, but realizing that it wasn't me being selfish. I had needed to open up, and so had she. Now, I needed to focus on her because I couldn't let her get to the point I was at. I had to protect her, no matter what.
I set my empty plate down, not even realizing that I had eaten all of my food for the first time in ages. I got up slowly, since I was still sore, and winced slightly as I pushed up from my bed. I made my way over to her bed, taking a seat next to my best friend. I wasn't sure how to start any conversations with her. I didn't know how to go about any of this, all I knew is I didn't want her to feel any of the things I felt about myself, towards herself. So, I figured I would start with a hug, as I figured out what I should tell her. I held her to me tightly, and I set my chin on her shoulder, and gave her a compassionate look as I watched a tear fall slowly down her cheek.
"Talk to me Rose, tell me what's going on," I said softly, squeezing her hand for reassurance, "Unless of course you aren't ready, because then I will respect you not talking to me about it."
"I, I just don't know Iz," Rose said, pausing to pull herself against her headboard, drawing her knees to her chest, "I don't know where to begin. I'm just so confused I guess. Do you hate me?"
"Why would I hate you Rose?" I asked confused, pulling my legs onto her bed in a crossed fashion.
"Because of everything that happened between us. I abandoned you for three months and it killed me inside. How do you deal with guilt like that when things aren't your fault? And don't tell me you haven't dealt with that because I know you. I know you feel like all of everything is your fault, at least with your brother, and probably with us."
"I have a very poor way of dealing with that guilt, and with my viewpoints of myself and the world," I began, looking her deeply in the eyes, pulling my sleeves up to show her all of my scars. "This is me, old and new, fresh and healed. This is how I feel. This is how I cope."
She moved closer to me, mirroring how I was sitting, and she reached out for my arms so she could look at the scars that had multiplied since she had last seen them, "Why are there more?"
"What do you mean?" I asked nonchalantly, looking away from her gaze.
"There weren't this many fresh ones earlier," she replied, her voice small, "Did you do this while I was gone?"
"Well, that and homework, and look," I pointed toward the empty plate with a small smile, "I ate every bite."
Rose chuckled a little bit, but didn't respond.
"Rose, look at me," I said, pulling her gaze into mine, "I can tell what you're thinking, you didn't fail me. I just had a lot going through my head, and that helped clear it. I don't want to hide them from you any more. I want help, I want your help, and I want to help you. The first step for you is to ask for help, which you did, but now you need to actually go see someone who can help you. Just because I couldn't get my parents to let me have a therapist, doesn't mean you can't. You should talk to your mom about all of this. She was the smartest witch of her age, she probably knows the best person for you to go talk to."
"I guess," She said softly.
"No Rose, you don't guess, you need help. You can't be like me. I can't let you do that."
"I didn't mean…"
"I know Rose, but just look at me, look at the consequences no help leads to. I harm myself to calm down, I don't eat, I don't sleep, and I push away the people I love most. Life shouldn't work for me the way that it is, and I don't want it being that way for you. I want you to promise that you'll talk to me any time you're feeling off, or whenever you feel like you don't know what's going on. Promise me that you will come to me for help, please," I begged her with my speech, giving her the most serious look I could, even though my voice had cracked enough times to cancel out the seriousness of my speech.
She nodded, knowing how much I was willing to help her, to be with her through thick and thin.
I pulled my sleeves back down, and stood up, reaching my hand out to her, "Now let's go beat the boys at some Wizard's Chess."
Rose smiled and took my hand, pulling herself off the bed, and leading me out the door and down the stairs to the common room. As we reached the bottom of the stairs I noticed James and Albus, along with Victoire and a few of their other family members. Victoire noticed us and waved us over with a smile, while the boys didn't look up, mainly because they were too focused in their game. It looked like Albus was winning at the moment, but I knew that James had been on a winning streak since the break for the holidays and he wasn't about to give it up now. Of course he couldn't stop me.
"I play winner, unless someone already called it," I said with a grin.
"Who dares challenge me?" James roared with a laugh, only to meet my unwavering glare of confidence, responding with a quieter, "I see."
"Hey who said I wouldn't break your streak?" Albus questioned, an offended look appearing on his face.
"You've played him every night since break and lost, I have a feeling he led you into a new trap tonight," Victoire said with a smirk.
"I'm winning right now! What kind of trap could he possibly have led me into?" Al groaned out.
"Uncle Ron's, checkmate lil' bro," James leaned back, beaming at his handiwork.
"How? How on earth have you learned some of Uncle Ron's traps?" Al cried out in amazement and disgust.
"I watched, it's what I get for losing so many games to him," James replied.
"I've been robbed, I almost won."
"The key term here is almost," Rose laughed out.
Albus huffed off, leaving an open spot at the chessboard, which I gladly took. I watched as the board reset itself. Rose, sat on the ground next to the chair I was in, watching the board as well.
"So I have a new challenger," James cocked his eyebrows in my direction.
"Oh, I won't be the challenger for long," I replied, raising a chorus of ooohs from his family members who were all gathered around the coffee table that was in between the couch he was on and the armchair that I was in.
He took the first move, leaving me a chance to mirror his move, but I didn't take it, instead moving one of my knights in front of my pawns. We went back and forth, each taking our turns, mesmerizing each other and everyone else with every one of our moves. After an hour, Albus had shown back up and we were still in the heat of our game of Wizard's Chess. Somehow, Fred had gotten a hold of some popcorn and butterbeer and had passed around a helping for everyone around us. Even though we had been playing so long, it seemed like almost no time had passed. There had, of course, been trash talk in the beginning, but after the first few exchanges we both had fallen silent in thought. It was unknown to me who had been the last to return a phrase, but I knew that I was close to a win.
"Check," James smirked out, giving me a look of triumph.
I stared him down, looking down at the board to make a move, to hopefully keep myself alive in the game. That's when I saw my chance, his king sitting so idly unprotected, with my bishop in just the right place to take it out, "Bishop to G7."
I watched as James's face faltered ever so slightly as he realized what I had just done. Everyone around us start hollering and cheering, even though the rest of the Gryffindor common room, was either empty or filled with students who wanted peace and quiet for study. Although, I'm not fully sure how anyone expected to get work done with the Weasley and Potter families around.
"I believe that is checkmate," I beamed over the board, "And I will leave you with that, because I need more sleep."
I saluted James and gave him a final smirk as everyone joked around with James, who was still in shock over his loss, and I made my way to the stairs, where I felt a tug on my wrist. It was a soft pull on the opposite wrist of my scars, and when I turned around I saw Albus, standing there, looking sheepish and a little guilty.
"Hey, um, I'm really sorry about earlier at dinner, I shouldn't have acted like such a git. I know you consider Mal… Scorpius a friend, and I know that I need to respect that. Just, don't shut us out again Isabella. You're part of the family now, and we can't bear to lose you. I know that you saw the effects that it had on Rose, but on me. Those were all internal, when you flinched away from me those months ago, when you were scared of me earlier today, it messed me up and made me angry. I was furious that you didn't feel safe around us anymore, around me anymore. Then to top it all off you feel safer with Malfoy," he spat out, his face flushing and his tone growing softer, "Scorpius, and I couldn't hold it in any longer. Just because he didn't hurt you the way Harry did doesn't mean that he didn't add to everything that was going on."
"And just because it looks as if he was as bad as my brother on the outside, doesn't mean he didn't try to help in every way he could. But I will accept your apology, if that's what you were attempting. Just, I miss you Al, don't think that I replaced you with Scor, because I didn't. There is no way that could even be possible," I said, looking him in the eye, and then throwing my arms around him in a tight embrace. It made me wince, but I didn't care, because I wanted him to know that I was right there in that moment with him and for him.