Chapter Ten

Natasha

"I had this, um, dream. The kind that seems normal at the time but when you wake…"

"What did you dream?"

"That I was an avenger, that I was anything more than the assassin they made me,"

I am in Clint's house. A place that I know as a home, full of love, a place I usually feel safe. But right now I am left feeling distinctly vulnerable, that little witches... whatever it was, still spinning cobwebs in my mind. Bruce had just left the room after our conversation that only leaves me feeling more confused and conflicted. Like I am in the middle of a storm and don't know which way to run.

I sit on my own. In one of the spare bedrooms filled with the kids toys. Alone. As usual. I have somehow ended up alone, once again. Maybe that is my super power.

There is a light knock on the door. I turn, my damp hair brushing over my shoulders from my cold shower. Clint ambles casually into the room.

His eyes fall on me and he sends me an empathetic smile, "How ya doing?" He asks.

I shrug, "I'll survive." Because that is what I do. Through it all. I survive.

He nods, not needing to pry into what I mean. Understanding that I have no desire to talk about it. Otherwise I would. That is why Clint Barton has remained my best friend for all these years. "Hey," He says, trying to distract me? "Laura said the damnedest thing just now," He wanders over and absent-mindedly picks up a toy from the floor. I know it is something he really wants to discuss with me because of his overly casual demeanour.

"Oh yeah? About the dinning room project? I thought you'd be done by now too." I say jokingly putting on the sweater I had in my bag from the jet.

"Naw, she just suggested there was something going on between you and Banner, of all people." Clint turned to face me, leaning back on the windowsill. "You wanna tell my why my wife has that impression?"

So, not trying to distract me. Instead, poking at my soft underbelly of things I actually don't feel like discussing. I shrug not meeting his eyes, "Maybe she is more observant than you." I say quietly.

"See, what confuses me, is I don't remember the book ever closing on, uh, Steve?" God, his eyes are pretty much boring into my soul he is watching me so closely. "What happened there Nat?"

Of course he knows about how I feel about Steve. Even if we haven't really discussed it. But his eyes miss nothing, as per usual, even my deepest, most shameful secret. I shrug standing up. "Nothing... nothing ever would happen. There was no book to begin with." I look at him, a cavalier half smile pulling at my mouth. I shrug casually. "Nothing to discuss."

Clint shakes his head at me, walking over to stand in front of me, his arms crossed. "I know you Nat, and I know there was something going on with you when it came to the Cap."

I shake my head, "Well, you're wrong," I snap.

He scoffs, "Really? This is how you wanna play this? Just lie to me when you know I am right?"

I glare at him, "It isn't that simple-"

"Make it that simple, explain it to me." He barks back at me equally as fierce, and I am caught off guard by the fact he won't just let it drop. This isn't how we do things, this isn't how I do things... I don't discuss feelings, possibilities... It's childish. So I find myself floundering, trying to think of something to say back.

"We have nothing in common." It sounds lame but it is the first thing that comes into my mind.

"Oh and you and Banner do?" He scoffs.

"More than me and Steve," I hiss at him dodging around him, pacing around the room, feeling trapped. "I mean," I can't seem to stop the words from just tumbling out of my mouth. "He is just so," I stop at the window for the briefest of moments, Steve is out front chopping fire wood with Tony, of course that is what he is doing. I shake my head turning away from the window, "He doesn't see me. He never will... Bruce knows what it is to be - damaged. To be broken."

Clints brow furrows like I am being ridiculous. "I think you are making a pretty big assumption about the Cap, there six shooter."

"This isn't a joke Clint, Bruce is a good man. He sees me." Or at least I thought he did. Maybe I was wrong, after what he had said just now...

"I'm not saying he isn't Nat, I'm just saying-" Clint catches up with my pacing. "If you want to be with Steve... you should at least talk to him. Give him the benefit of the doubt."

I scoff, shaking my head, "Are you crazy? No. You have no idea. This isn't you and Laura, it isn't that simple."

Clint crosses his arms in a very big brother way, which irritates and intimidates me at the same time, "So, you are just gonna shelf what you have for Cap and settle for Bruce? Cause the poor guy really deserves that on top of everything else he deals with-"

"No! I wouldn't be settling, it isn't like that." I snap back, irritated he would make me sound so awful.

"Well, please, Nat, explain it to me?"

I glare at him, "I don't want to be alone anymore!" The words seem to echo around the room. They just sort of burst out of me. I look away from Clint' s eyes, which instantly look so very sad for me. "I'm tired… of being… alone. And there is nothing about me that Steve Rogers wants. Not really. SO, to avoid the painful embarrassment of holding my breath for something that is never going to happen, I am choosing life. I'm sorry if you don't think I deserve that." The last bit was overly dramatic but I don't care.

I move to storm out of the room but Clint catches my arm as I go to walk by him. "Nat," His voice is gentle and it makes me hesitate. "You know I think you do. You wouldn't be here if I didn't. But I think you need to give yourself enough credit to go for what you really want. You may be surprised."

I scoff, "Life never surprises me."

I feel his eyes on me but I leave mine trained on the door. An escape, "If you gave it a chance, it just might." He lets his hand drop.

"I won't hold my breath." With that I stride from the room.

A/N: Hello all, hope everyone is having a happy holidays! Back after a bit of a break, and also back with Nat's point of view again. I hope I am getting the narratives right, and making their thought process different enough. Hope you enjoyed this chapter as we head completely into Age of Ultron. I minimized the Nat/Bruce convo, as I was originally going to type out the whole thing including her thought process but I didn't want to get to weighted down in Nat + Bruce. It is part of the story line so I am choosing to not ignore it or AU it away (Believe me, I understand why some people do though) But I thought it was a genuine conversation between Nat and Bruce and I didn't want to water it down or over complicate it with pulling Steve into it too much. I want Steve and Nat to be as stand alone as possible even if there are speed bumps along the way, as life always tends to have. Hope you enjoyed, more to come soon. -Cat