A/N: Alright all and Captain America: Civil War Begins! Super excited to start writing about the events of this movie! Hope you enjoy! Please let me know what you think! -Cat

Chapter Nineteen

Steve

We are on the Quinn Jet heading back Stateside from Lagos. I feel numb. Wanda is in the back, sitting next to Vision, with Sam hovering around her. I know that they will look after her as I focus on getting us home, back to the compound. All the screams echoed around my head, the building exploding...

"Steve," I turn my head at her voice. Natasha comes up beside me and sits in the co-pilot seat, which she swivels to face me. Her green eyes focus on me like lasers, as she leans forward, her elbows on her knees. "Are you ok?" I glance at her but soon find myself looking back out the windshield. I could hear her take a breath, and I feel myself clench my jaw because I know she isn't going to let it drop. "Wanda said she heard Rumlow mention Bucky?"

I take a deep breath. "It's nothing." I say briskly, "Just trying to get in my head," I look at her and smirk, "Shouldn't have let him,"

She purses her lips, looking at me with a furrowed brow, "Steve, it's ok that-"

"No." I say shaking my head looking at her, "It isn't." I glance in the back of the jet and make sure no one is directly behind us, "We are supposed to lead this team." I shake my head, feeling my stomach drop, thinking of the scene we just caused. "What kind of example was that?" I stare out the windshield.

Natasha shifts so she is sitting on the literal edge of her seat, "Steve, you're only human. You don't have to be perfect 100% of the time." I scoff, but she persists catching my attention. "Steve-" She stands up and moves forward, I look up at her as she steps towards me and, as if in slow motion, I see her hand coming up. She is reaching for me. Her hand will land on my shoulder, and I find that in this moment, when I feel trapped by the situation, my reality and the ghosts of my past, all I want is to feel her touch. Even through my suit, I find myself craving her touch.

But her hand never makes it to my shoulder, "Nat." She stops, instantly freezing at Sam's voice, her hand snaps back to her side and tightens into a fist. She looks over at him and I see in her eyes an openness, a fear maybe? At being... seen?

"Yeah?" She says and I see her chest rise and fall with the deep breath. Steadying herself. I feel my mind trying to push something forward, a memory or a dream maybe? In same breath, I shake my head and just look forward.

"I was wondering about..." She walks over to Sam where he is asking about the biohazard and follow up's in Lagos.

I shake my head, moment gone, the memory forgotten, and focus back on our flight plan.

I walk down the hall toward the boardroom off the kitchen. Wanda and Vision walk ahead of me, Vision's head bowed close to Wanda's in conversation. I slow my steps so as to give them privacy. I don't need to eavesdrop to know Vision is trying to comfort Wanda, and he would know as good as I what to say. It's hard to try and consol her while my own mind rages it's own war with guilt.

I keep playing the moment over and over in my mind...

'You know he knew you. Your pal, your buddy, your Bucky.'

I remember freezing,

'What did you say?'

'He remembered you. I was there. He got all weepy about it. Till they put his brain back in the blender.'

"So, do you know why Tony is here with his hot date?" Natasha suddenly falls into step with me. She glances up and me and I don't miss her double take.

"No, I don't. Something tells me it won't be to just to stop bye and say hello."

She chuckles, "I think your right," She hesitates as we reach the doors to the board room. Wanda and Vision walk through, and we can see Rhodey, Sam, and Tony already in there with the Secretary Ross. I look at her and she meets my eye, and it's then I find myself thinking back to a foggy memory of her in a hospital room... but I blink and as soon as I try to put it in focus, it disappears.

"What's up?" I ask her, raising an eyebrow while I look at her.

She takes a deep breath and I think about only a night or two ago when she asked me out to dinner. And I find myself wanting to interrupt her and ask her to go now. Let's just go, walk out the front door and go find somewhere. Just a small place, were we might not get recognized. I would tease her about how, when she is relaxed and not pretending to be something else, she inhales her food at a startling rate. She would snort at a reference I didn't understand. And we could just be us, with no strings. No expectations.

But then I realize that that won't happen. We will go into the boardroom and listen to whatever we are supposed to. But then maybe, hopefully, we will eventually get to that dinner.

She blinks and looks at me, "You know I have your back, right? No matter what?"

I turn and face her, putting my back towards the board room and fix her with a gaze, crossing my arms over my chest and I see her looking worried, almost... intimidated? No, that must be wrong. This was Natasha after all. "Anything changed that I should be aware of? Cause last time I checked yeah, of course I know that, Nat."

She nodded. She looked older in all black. And I know I feel older. I remember meeting her on the deck of the helicarrier, all that time ago. Seeing her controlled facade. The way she took me in like I wasn't anything to ruffle her feathers.

'It was quite the buzz around here. Finding you in the ice...'

Now here we stood. Saved the world together three times, faced demons, history... She barely blinked. Now, here she stood in front of me, looking at me like she was worried about me. Terrified for me even.

I put a smile on my face, "Nat, I'll be fine. You know me."

She looks at me with a gaze that seems to be trying to say a million different things. But I feel like I can hear what I think she really wants to say. Can hear it as clearly as if she was literally saying the words to me, 'Do I?' And I find myself thinking that maybe she knows me better than she thinks she does. I clear my throat, "Come on," I say, nodding my head at the boardroom. "Let's get this over with."

She nods and looks resigned but not satisfied, but still she walks past me as I hold the door open for her. I find myself letting out a breath I didn't know I was holding in.

We are all sitting around debating everything we just heard as I flip through the pages of the so called Sokovia Accords. My eyes take in the print faster than they ever would have been able to before. I hear Rhodey and Sam bickering behind me.

"Secretary Ross has a Congressional Medal of Honour, which is one more than you have." Rhodey says it like it is the only thing that matters.

I can hear the ire rising in Sam's voice as he speaks, "So let's say we agree to this thing. How long is it gonna be before they LoJack us like a bunch of common criminals?" His point hits a nerve in my chest, a fear. I remember words, words like 'failed science experiment' rattling around in my brain from my past and I feel myself doubting.

"117 countries want to sign this. 117, Sam and you're just like 'No, that's cool. We got it.'?" Rhodey snaps back.

"How long are you going to play both sides?" Sam retorts angrily.

I feel the tension rising in the room when Vision interrupts, "I have an equation,"

I look across our sitting area, as Sam scoffs, "Oh, this will clear it up." I look over the pages of the Accords at where Vision is sitting next to Wanda.

But Vision ignores Sam's commentary and continues calmly, "In the eight years since Mr. Stark announced himself as Iron Man the number of known enhanced persons has grown exponentially. And during the same period, the number of potentially world-ending events has risen at a commensurate rate."

I feel a weight in my chest and I meet Visions eyes, "Are you saying it's our fault?" I feel Nat's eyes on me when I speak but I focus on Vision.

Again he responds calmly, as always, "I'm saying there may be a causality. Our very strength invites challenge. Challenges incites conflict. And conflict ...breeds catastrophe. Oversight... Oversight is not an idea that can be dismissed out of hand."

His words sink in as Rhodey says, "Boom."

I am surprised by Nat's voice when she says, "Tony," I look over at Stark who is sitting, slouched on the couch, hand over his face... Is he hung over? "You're being uncharacteristically non-hyper-verbal."

I take a breath, knowing the answer before Tony even has to move, "It's because he has already made up his mind."

Tony looks from Nat to me, and I see it in his eyes, he isn't hungover, he's upset... Haunted maybe? "Boy, you know me so well." He slowly forces himself off the couch, "Actually, I'm nursing an electromagnetic headache. That's what's going on, Cap. It's just pain." He says the words aggressively and I find myself watching him closely, this unusually tightly wound Tony. "It's discomfort. Who's putting coffee grounds in the disposal? Am I running a bed and breakfast for a biker gang?"

He hesitates before taking out his cell or computer or whatever the gadget is and puts it on the counter. Within a couple of taps a picture is being projected of a nice looking young man smiling brightly at us all. "Oh that's Charles Spencer by the way." Tony eventually continues, "He's a great kid. Computer engineering degree, 3.6 GPA, had a floor level gig at Intel planned for the fall. But first, he wanted to put a few miles on his soul before he parked it behind a desk. See the world. Maybe be of service. Charlie didn't want to go to Vegas or Fort Lauderdale, which is what I would do. He didn't go to Paris or Amsterdam, which sounds fun. He decided to spend his summer building sustainable housing for the poor." I feel the tension building with the intensity of Tony's words, "Guess where? Sokovia." He gives us all a minute to let that sink in, fully sink in. "He wanted to make a difference, I suppose. We won't know because we dropped a building on him while we were kicking ass." I find myself looking away from Tony. I don't want to argue with him. Don't want to make it worse but it wasn't that simple. Nothing ever is, "There is no decision making process here. We need to be put in check." He says loudly, "Whatever form that takes, I'm game. If we can't accept boundaries, limitations. We are no better than the bad guys."

I take a deep breath, "Tony, someone dies on your watch, you don't give up." Nat looks over at me, sitting on the couch across from me.

"Who said we are giving up?" He retorts almost too quickly.

"We are if we're not taking responsibility for our actions. This document just shifts the blame."

"Sorry, Steve," Rhodey interjects, "That...that is dangerously arrogant. This is the United Nations we're talking about." I feel the bureaucracy of it all crawling all over me, and I can't help but shake my head, "It's not the World Security Council. It's not S.H.E.I.L.D. It's not HYDRA."

"No, but it's run by people with agendas, and agendas change." It's a lesson I have learned so many times. Too many times, too many close calls.

"That's good. That's why I am here. When I realized what my weapons were capable of in the wrong hands... I shut it down and stopped manufacturing." Tony said vehemently, jumping in.

I feel my frustration level rising, it's like they aren't hearing me, "Tony, you chose to do that. If we sign this we surrender our right to choose. What if this panel sends us somewhere we don't think we should go? What if there is somewhere we need to go and they don't let us? We may not be perfect but the safest hands are still our own."

Again he responds quickly, like he isn't really listening to what I am saying. Like he is too busy coming up with his next argument to let my words sink in. "If we don't do this now, it's gonna be done to us later. That's the fact. That won't be pretty." I look away from him, unwilling to acknowledge that fear should be part of this decision.

"You're saying they will come for me?" Wanda asks the quiet room. We all look at her but it is Vision who responds first.

"We would protect you."

"Maybe Tony's right," My head swivels around to Natasha, and I feel my lips part, trying my best to not let my whole mouth drop open at her words. I feel like the wind has been taken out of my lungs at her words.

She meets my eyes and there, I see it again, that fear from out in the hallway, that vulnerability that I wasn't sure was originally there. And when she speaks, she responds quietly like she can see the shock in my eyes, like it is making her hesitate. "If we have one hand on the wheel, we can still steer. If we take it off..." I close my lips as she holds my gaze.

Sam steps up so he is right behind my shoulder and I know when he speaks, he is just as shocked as I am at Natasha's words, "Aren't you the same woman who told the government to kiss her ass a few years ago?"

"I'm just..." She meets my eyes, "I'm just reading the terrain." She leans forward and I can tell she is trying to convince me, "We have made some very public mistakes." Her eyes are huge as she stares back into mine and I feel like she is speaking only to me, "We need to win their trust back."

And just like that Tony interrupts again, "Focus up. I'm sorry. Did I just mishear you... Or did you just agree with me?"

"I want to take it back now." Nat responds more like her usual self.

"No, you can't take it back now. Thank you. Unprecedented."

My phone goes off in my pocket and I pull it out to look at the screen. What else can happen? I look at the screen:

She's gone. In her sleep.

I feel my heart stop beating. I suddenly feel like the blood is draining from my body as simultaneously I feel my throat start to close. Somewhere I hear Tony, he sounds like he is miles away even though I know he is right beside me, "Okay. Case closed. I win." He says.

I don't hesitate, I don't look at anyone, I just know I have to get out of here. Away from them all, "I have to go." I find myself saying. And I walk away from them all, with the reality that the one person on this Earth who knew me, really knew me... or used to... The person who I once thought I would share my life with forever, was gone. And suddenly I don't feel like I know anything any more.